-By Erika. ART

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Morris Doyle
5 years ago
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2 and some other helpful shit I m so excited and wiling to learn from this, i want to know more about some of the subjects i ve covered and please feel more than welcome to criticise me or pull me up on things i ve said if you don t agree or feel like i haven t explained it properly or offend anyone. As again i m not a professional, or an expert or have a degree in this. I m actually really uneducated in a lot of things, but this is just my take one things. I have realised over the years through my instagram and blogging, i ve created an image for myself that seems unattainable in a way. in no way do i feel this way about myself, but through my asks and comments like i want to be you, omg i hate myself, why can t i look like this etc on photos I feel like i ve presented myself wrongly and untruly. I ve felt the pressure to constantly come across as perfect and be a role model, but purely for aesthetics only. always looking the best i can. my Instagram is a gallery full of edited and carefully chosen images and no one should value or aspire to look like any other social media personality as these things as they aren t real. I m so extremely flawed and although i don t show it much online, well more now than before, i look like shit most days and i fuck up so so so much. Firstly...

3 Hi so, i realise i am the worst writer ever and i have no talent for creative writing etc i just cannot get to grips with how to write a good article or a good essay, i literally just suck at it and no matter what other people tell me i accept it and i really couldn t give a shit anyway, i don t want be a journalist, i don t want to write for a magazine or anything like that so its fine, i don t care and don t care to learn about it (which is pretty lazy of me as I m 20 years old and should know better) but the only thing that annoys me is that i have a lot to say and i want to say it properly and want it to make sense when i do. thats the thing that upsets, well not upsets me, but really annoys me about not being a good or even semi good writer. I have so many thoughts and i m always talking to myself (in my head lol) about the things i would love to explain or love to tell someone about but putting pen to paper is impossible. but anyway i spent this morning watching ted talks about how to love yourself how thinking you re ugly is the worst thing and 'The Power of Vulnerability ' and it made me think about myself and how I m currently feeling at this exact moment in my life. the vulnerability video really hit me hard and made me think about what I really want from life RIGHT now and how this could help me love myself and others more. i think i m actually only really writing this down because of this video. writing is something i m truthfully scared of because i fear of sounding like an uneducated idiot, or like, well yeah, just looking dumb and embarrassing. like i m 20 years old, i m in university, i should know fucking better than to be so lame at writing urhhhhhggggg. anyway yeah so this is why i m on my phone notes app *lol* (on my laptop) writing all this shit down. I don t want my fear to stop me from saying what i want to say and expressing my feelings and thoughts about stuff. i m a creative, (well i class myself as that as i generally have no other talent or desires) and i I love to create but i feel my lack of writing skills (or writing in general) stops me from getting across everything i have to give about a certain vision i have. I m always thinking of new things i want to involve myself in and projects i want to create and present to people i know / people who follow me on my social channels. but RIGHT NOW, after my realisation about my fake online life, (when i say fake i mean just not the complete truth and reality of who I am, but like i wear the stuff i post and i say/think the stuff i tweet) i want to make a difference to those young/old girls/ women who know of me only through social media. i want to help people who come to me and ask me questions like why aren t i you?, how are you so perfect, what can i do about my fat on my stomach, i want your body u are body goals, help me be as pretty as you. all of which i don t agree with, and i m not asking for attention, its the truth, i don t see what these other people see. i m forever grateful of these comments and i m beyond flattered its insane, but however much people tell me I m pretty i don t believe it and i definitley do NOT believe things like being pretty or being skinny should be what girls base their worth on or spend their life trying to achieve. i take photos of myself semi-naked at any given chance. don t know why i just do. i don t LOVE my body or anything like that, probably the complete opposite unfortunately. i guess i do it to see what it looks like on camera and compare it to girls who have goals bodies - ew i hate saying that and i hate myself more for doing it! for some reason i just take a photo whenever possible of my body and then sit and analyse/criticise it for about 3 hours, then delete them all, or keep them if i like it, or keep the one where i look good from a certain angle. anyone else do this? PROBS cuz if ur a girl i m sure at one point you ve doubted ur own body

BODY AND WEIGHT CHANGES This is what i looked like since i hit puberty (at the late age of 15 i think).

I remember thinking and feeling so sexy becuase I had hips and boobs and good set of thighs - and thats all boys liked, lol cuz thats all i cared about

I lost a lot of weight and gained it back again. I don t look at myself the same as the times when i was so confident.

4 BODY AND WEIGHT CHANGES This is what i looked like since i hit puberty (at the late age of 15 i think). I really didn t care what i looked like and was happy with my body and my outward apperance. I remember thinking and feeling so sexy becuase I had hips and boobs and good set of thighs - and thats all boys liked, lol cuz thats all i cared about loool. I don t think i ve ever had thoes feelings about my body since I got on social media and started to recieve comments from outsiders on my body. I lost a lot of weight and gained it back again. I don t look at myself the same as the times when i was so confident. If you ve been following me that long you will have seen these on instagram, tumblr and blog! (p.s i remember being called thick, fat, chubby etc by anonymous people on tumblr when I posted these and soon after is when i started to question my size) soruce: Tumblr Age: 16 Height: 5 6 Weight: 58-60kg

5 ADVICE dealing with shit on your own FROM ME and MY FRIENDS

HAIR GOALS A LOT of people send me questions about how to do things alone, like meeting new people, going to parties, how to survive first weeks of uni, how to get a partner.

published). But don t worry, its not impossible or incredibly difficult. Being alone is OKAY and everyone must be at some point in their lives, so learning how to do things yourself is best.

- take it or leave it, its probably bullshit anyway (but it works, kinda, for me) It s kinda awkward when people comment on my photos or send me messages saying hair goals when it s the complete

6 HAIR GOALS A LOT of people send me questions about how to do things alone, like meeting new people, going to parties, how to survive first weeks of uni, how to get a partner.and who better to ask than the single girl who is also a uni student lol, but yeah, i have pretty much done most things alone and still am (still single and probably will be by the time this is published). But don t worry, its not impossible or incredibly difficult. Being alone is OKAY and everyone must be at some point in their lives, so learning how to do things yourself is best. Anyway heres my advice and experiences. - take it or leave it, its probably bullshit anyway (but it works, kinda, for me) It s kinda awkward when people comment on my photos or send me messages saying hair goals when it s the complete opposite. Well now it is. Up until about 2 month ago my hair was at its best, thick and the perfect silver tone i d been wanting for such a long time. But then I over did it, pushed my hair too far, it was over-processed and dry as fuck!! I should ve probably been a lot more careful with my hair, but one day it just started to snap of, and snap really fucking fast. So now i m left with what looks like some kind of mullet, it s actually kinda cool in a way and completely horrid in another, actually not cool at all lol. especially when i m walking down the street and its windy, then its really embarrassing. The thing is, people (hair experts ) tell me that this kind of this is common with people who bleach their hair, yet i ve never ever noticed anyone else hair do this!? and why didn t they tell me b4! Anyway, i know a LOT of people ask me how i got this colour and how long it takes but it did actually take me about 4-5 months i think of bleaching. and it was beige, then yellow and now silver, then goes back to being a yellowy colour if you don t bleach it every few weeks, so it doesn t happen over night and it shouldn t! make sure you go to a GOOD hairdressers who knows what they are doing and just be patient, especially if your hair is dark like mine is. Always use leave in conditioner and lay of the silver shampoo (once a week maybe) as that was a big mistake i made, washing it everyday with silver shampoo :( SUGGESTED - BUTCHERS HAIR SALON

HOW TO DO IT ALONE PT.2 - RELATIONSHIPS with others: So for these next two questions i ve actually gotten help from people around me who i find inspiring and trust the advice they will give you!

7 HOW TO DO IT ALONE PT.2 - RELATIONSHIPS with others: So for these next two questions i ve actually gotten help from people around me who i find inspiring and trust the advice they will give you! As i have no real experience with serious relationships and breakups and whatever, i thought i d rather get my friends who actually have clue and go out with boys lol!!!! Getting over someone you really loves who was actually never really that good for you: By Charlotte - Its not something somebody can understand fully unless they have felt the same way, they can help, and please accept their help because you need it, which is hard as your thinking they don t get it. But they know whats best for you and therefore you need to trust them. I will never slate my ex. Or talk badly of him as I will always care for him. I learnt to ignore every reminder, literally put a mental block on every item that s his at my house, every photo every memory so that I didn t break down and let my self get in any kind of state. You have to be ruthless with yourself to survive it and I am not being dramatic. At the time, confusion is running through your head and you don t think straight. Questions like what did I do? What didn t I do enough of? WHY? Come up. You overthink constantly and its not healthy. You mind is clouded with such disruptive thoughts and it becomes your main focus. Nothing else matters. Food, family, clothes, makeup, nothing. I became a shadow of my former self. Everyone around me noticed, but me. I stopped talking to my friends, was blunt with my family, stopped caring what I looked like. I rarely left the house unless it was with him. When I wasn t at uni or work, I was with him. And that made sense to me. However I was drifting further and further away from myself. I am very passionate at what I study, I would never do anything else. I am a creative person. However at the time, I was never inspired, never felt like id created something I was excited about. We never argued. This made it 100 times worse when it happened. It was like everything I knew was thrown back in my face and deleted and made me feel sick. You want to be just like lets pretend that didn t happen, and cuddle. But then the other side of you knows that you should bring up something until it is sorted, nothing can be brushed under the carpet you need to fix everything, in order to move on from it. It took me a while to get past it and try and move on. I (still) cant delete photos. But I think why would I delete a memory of mine where I was happy? It doesn t make sense. I don t have to look at them, just knowing they still exist is fine. The hardest part was accepting help from those who loved me who I had neglected for months. I felt so terrible and felt I couldn t turn to anyone as I was guilty for not making the time for them while I was with him. I had so much confusion and agony going on in my head that it was making me sick. It was ruining me. You re family and friends will always be there for you, it doesn t matter what you go through because they can see you re not being yourself and its up to them to get you back. I love them for it. At the time I hated everything and everyone for giving me the truth, partly because I knew it was true I just didn t want to believe it was all wrong and over. I m still not completely back to how I was, but I m nearly there. All it takes is finding distractions; everyone s will be personal to himself or herself. Only distractions to better yourself though- what s the point in destroying yourself further? You need to remember to accept it. Not tell yourself that you weren t enough because that s all I did and I was wrong. I am enough. I don t need to do more of anything to be better in someone s eyes. As long as you focus on bettering yourself everyday of course you are enough? It s unhealthy to think otherwise. It isn t selfish to love your heart before someone else s. Its what you owe yourself. Photo archive: Febuary-March 2013 Guys, i do actually smile, although i may never seem to, I just have two missing front teeth now, with a brace and then to add insult to injury i have to wear those annoying elastic bands which you see 12 year olds wearing and think to yourself, ugh imagine, but yeah, thats me. I m not complaining (much) as my teeth will be sorted in *hopefully* 2 years. But at the end of the day it is kinda annoying to be wearing a brace at 20 years old and to have two missing teeth as well. If you ve ever spoken to me in real life in the last 1.5 years you ll notice i cover my mouth a lot or look away when i speak as I hate my mouth and feel super conscious when people look at my teeth rather than my face/eyes. I KNOW its such a minor thing to be complaining about, but however big or small your insecurities are, they are still insecurities.

8 Coming up next... Teeth and having braces Body image (all the stages of my weight stuggles in more depth) Health and Fitness and for advice - send your questions! byerikazine@gmail.com!!!!!! Let me know what you wanna read/hear about next!!!!! ART

When your friend is being abused

S BEDROOM, 11:43PM ON SUNDAY NIGHT When your friend is being abused *Phew* This time it was just a nightmare Ugh first day of school tomorrow better than being here I guess NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL Hey Quinn!