The Stop Worrying Today Course. Week 5: The Paralyzing Worry of What Others May Think or Say

Size: px

Start display at page:

Download "The Stop Worrying Today Course. Week 5: The Paralyzing Worry of What Others May Think or Say"

Deborah Newman
5 years ago
Views:

1 The Stop Worrying Today Course Week 5: The Paralyzing Worry of What Others May Think or Say

2 Copyright Henrik Edberg, You do not have the right to sell, share or claim the ownership of the content of this course. This course is for informational purposes only and it contains my opinions based on my experience. You should always find the advice of a professional before taking action on something I have published. Page 2

3 This week is all about one of the most common worries that can hold you back a lot from truly living the way you want to and do what you deep down think is the right thing. It can, in my own experience, be one that keeps you in the same place and rut for far too long. This week we ll take a deeper look at the worry of what others may say or think. And what you can do about it to make this particular worry a lot smaller in your life. We ll do that by applying what you ve already learned and by using a few of what I have found to be the most effective techniques and habits for handling this worry. How to use what you ve already learned to handle this worry Many of the things you ve already learned and have been using are things that can be very useful for this particular worry. A couple of examples: The 3-step combo. You can use the 3-step combo from week #1 before a meeting or a date to calm down, to make a better impression and to remind yourself that Page 3

4 much of what you worry about won t matter in 5 years or even 5 months. When I have hesitated about doing things because of this worry then I have also found the two alternative questions from week #4 to be very helpful to ground myself in reality again. The safety net exercise. Use the exercise from week #2 to work through what the worst thing that could actually happen is and to build a mental safety net. I ve found this one to be valuable when I ve worried about an upcoming date or when I ve hesitated about doing something I thought was right because of what people may think. But what more can you do about this common worry? Page 4

5 As a part of your mental safety net it s very helpful to have a small plan for how you will respond to and handle criticism or the verbal attacks that can cause much of the worry about what people may say. So let me share a simple 5-step strategy that I use when people attack or criticise me in real life and even more often online. Step 1: Take a handful of deep breaths before you reply. It s very easy to get riled up, angry or defensive when you receive some criticism. This is not a good position to be in to fire away a reply if you don t want to wind up in making the situation worse. And to lash back at the one giving the critique or to not be the better person here can really hurt both your self-esteem and mood. It might feel good for a while to do so but it is a dirty high that comes with a hangover of feeling worse about yourself and subtle or not so subtle self-destructiveness and negativity. So this is about your own well-being to a high degree. Page 5

6 Instead of replying right away, do what you ve done many times by now during the course: focus only on the air going in and out of your body. Do that at least for a couple of breaths. And if you have the time for example if you got an then continue this focus on your breathing for 1-2 minutes get an even better effect. Then reply to what was said. Or look closer at the or other kind of message you received. Step 2: Take a little time to really listen to the criticism. When you feel a bit calmer try to remain level-headed, open and figure out how this message can help you. Ask yourself questions like: What is one thing I can learn from this piece of criticism? Is there one thing here that I may not want to hear but that could help me to improve? Step 3: Remember that the criticism isn t always about you. Some criticism is certainly helpful. Some isn t that helpful or just simply attacks. What can you do then? Well, in such situations I remember that criticism isn t always about me. It would be nice if all criticism one gets comes from level-headed and constructive place. Page 6

7 But in reality people will have a bad day, week or year. Some will hate some part of their life. Some might not be all that well at this moment and you are coincidentally in the wrong place at wrong time. So they lash out at you to release pent up negative emotions. In school, at work, at home or online. It s not fun. But it happens. To lessen the sting of this criticism or these attacks I try to be understanding. I think that based on the message I got often really angry or overly critical about some pretty minor thing this person isn t feeling too good right now and is overreacting or need to release some pent up emotions. By being understanding of this it becomes easier to just let such messages go by for example ignoring it and moving on in a conversation or by deleting it from the inbox instead of taking it personally and becoming sad or angry. Step 4: Reply or let go. If you reply then try one or a few follow up questions if you think that could help you. And even when someone blurts out something not too constructive like Your work/service/product isn t very good you might want to ask a few open-ended questions to get more constructive information. Questions like: What part of it did you not like or did you not find helpful? What is one thing I can do improve it? Page 7

8 When I reply to a critical for example I try to keep my attitude positive and kind no matter what they have written. I thank him or her for what he or she wrote and brought to my attention. I do not apologize if I have not made a mistake. Do not apologize or say that you are sorry just because someone has a different opinion or viewpoint than you. That will only lower your self-esteem and the other person may see it as invitation to attack you (since some people do such things for one reason or another to people they perceive as weak or unassertive). Also, you do not have to explain yourself every time if you do not want to. People do not have a right to demand an explanation (in most cases of course, so use common sense). They are not your parents and you are not 5 years old. Your life is yours to live. Anyway, after I have thanked him or her for the message I may add a question or two to get more clarification. Then I send the . Sometimes I will then get a much more level-headed reply where they actually help me to improve what I am doing and although I may still feel a bit hurt it also feels good to be the better person in this situation and to create a constructive conversation. If they won t answer your questions then they are probably just lashing out or satisfied with your answer. And so it s time to let go. Page 8

9 Step 5: Make it easier to let go by realizing that everyone have the right to their opinion. Here s a final step that helps me to let go more easily. What I do is simply to think this to myself when I receive a piece of criticism: Everyone has the right to their own opinion. And that is OK. Now, this might seem obvious. But for the longest time I was honestly not OK with that. I wanted to get everyone to my side, to persuade them to see it my way instead. I may have hidden it but I often got upset that someone did not agree with me. And I took their certainty in that they had facts on their side when it was in most cases just opinions too seriously and questioned myself too often. This doesn t mean that I don t listen. I can certainly learn from some of the things people tell me as explained earlier in this guide. And I can still I can argue for or be assertive about something when needed. But being OK with the fact that everyone has the right to their own opinion and leaving it at that has made me feel less defensive and helped me to not take criticism too personally or let it cut too deep. It has helped me to stop questioning myself in cases when I really shouldn t. And to let go of things more easily. Page 9

10 In the second part of this weekly guide we ll take a look at how to minimize nervousness about and in a social situation and one common thought mistake many make when it comes to worrying about what others may think or say. What to do if you re nervous about a meeting this week If you re nervous before a meeting at work or in school, a job interview or a date then it s easy to become worried and so you ll be likely to feel worse and think less clearly and make a worse impression or performance. Or you may even become so worried about things going wrong that you cancel the date or job interview. What can you do in such situation to come out on top? First, use what you ve already learned in this course and I gave examples of at the start of this weekly guide. But also have a small plan, one that works well to handle nervousness and frazzled nerves before important social situations. Page 10

11 Here s my small action-plan that I ve used for years in such situations specifically. And most of the following steps are things you already know. Step 1: Slow down. A few minutes before you step into the meeting, job interview or date that makes you nervous slow down. Walk slower to the meeting place. Move slower. Then stop. Step 2: Breathe. Stand still or sit down for a minute. And then just breathe as you ve already learned and been practicing since week #1 of the course. Focus on just your slow in-breaths and out-breaths for a minute or two. And once again, make sure you breathe with your belly and not with your chest (a common problem when people get nervous). This will as you know by now calm your mind and body down, make it easier to think normally again and that singular focus will draw you back into this moment instead of leaving you lost in the thoughts of past social failures or future worries that can be so destructive. Page 11

12 Step 3: Assume rapport. Assuming rapport means that just before you met someone you pretend and think to yourself that you are meeting one of your best friends. Doing this will allow you to naturally slip into a much more relaxed, comfortable, confident and enjoyable emotional state and frame of mind. In this frame of mind the conversation and smiles tends to flow naturally, without much thinking. Just like with your best friends. It is, in my experience, a very simple habit to adopt but at the same time it is also an incredibly powerful habit for tapping into your best social self. By using these three steps over and over they will become habits that are easy to use. And over time as you get good results in social situations the old normal of feeling nervous will be replaced by a new normal. A normal where you are at least most of the time relaxed and confident in social situations because all your recent experiences put together have changed how you view yourself and what you expect on dates, in meetings and other such situations. And at this point you will only have to use these three steps from time to time socially. Page 12

13 Remember: people don t think about you and what you do nearly as much as you may think. Maybe the most powerful way to stop worrying so much about what people may think or say is to stop making a common thought mistake and to realize and remember a simple but powerful truth. That idea and truth that has been very helpful for me is simply this reality check: Honestly, people don't think about me and what I do that much really. Holding yourself back in life because of what other people may think or say does, in my experience, to a large part come from a belief that people care a great deal about what you are about to say or do. Perhaps you are afraid that people will laugh or analyze what you said or did for the rest of the week or year. But a much more realistic scenario is that they have their hands full with thinking about their own lives, their jobs, kids, friends and pets. And with worrying about what you and other people may think of them. This reality check might make you feel less important in your own head. But it can also help you to set yourself free and to finally do what you deep down want to do. Add this one to your note where you already have a few reminders from previous weeks and then turn to the next page to find this week s action-steps. Page 13

14 The Action-Steps for This Week Here s a quick summary of the action-steps to take this week: 1. Recap of previous weeks: Keep doing your morning routine, focus on small steps forward a majority of the time and on taking care of just today. Continue using the 3-step combo from week #1. And keep using the safety net questions and finding the facts + let it out into the light when needed. 2. Day 1: Write that people don t think about you and what you do nearly as much as you may think on your reminder note. 3. This week: If somebody criticizes you or verbally attacks then use the 5-step method for handling that. And if you feel nervous before a meeting use the 3- step formula for reducing social nervousness. 4. Day 7: Use your worksheet to review how handling this particular worry went this week. Page 14

The Stop Worrying Today Course. Week 2: How to Replace Your Worries with a Smarter Approach to the Future

The Stop Worrying Today Course Week 2: How to Replace Your Worries with a Smarter Approach to the Future Copyright Henrik Edberg, 2016. You do not have the right to sell, share or claim the ownership of