2 Break Patterns (Free VIP Bonus Video) Hi, it s A.J. and welcome. This is a little special bonus video lesson for you because you are my special VIP member. And in this video I m going to follow up with a lesson that is connected to the last bonus I did. Remember that last bonus I talked about power conversations and power questions and I gave you some simple, powerful questions you can use in any conversation with any person to create a great conversation and those questions were very simple. I m going to talk a little more about questions today, but today I m going to talk about focusing on how to break negative patterns in other people, so when you re communicating with another person, maybe on the forums typing, you know, just with text on the forums or maybe in person talking to someone in English, in your language. It doesn t matter. So what happens is sometimes we will meet people who are being negative. They have some negative communication, some negative thought or emotion or pattern. Sometimes they are usually a very positive person, but they re having a bad day or they re having some problem and right now their emotional state is just a little bit negative. You know this happens to all of us. We all have this happen. It happens to me. I get in bad moods too. We all do and sometimes we need some help from another person to help us break that negative mood, that negative thought, that negative pattern that we are in. It can help if another person comes. It helps to change those thoughts and feelings and helps us to see something more positive. So as leaders this is something we can do to help other people a lot and it s an important part of our leadership here at the Effortless English Club. Its one thing that I try to do with these videos, with my lessons, with the crazy mini-stories and with the changing your body all of these things, I m trying to break your negative patterns and give you more positive things to focus on. Because I know that most of you had kind of negative or boring or even worse, sometimes some of you had very, very negative experiences and thoughts and feelings about English because of your past. So I have to break that and get you to focus on something new and different, on being confident, on being powerful, on success, on your strengths, so I use a lot of different ways of doing that.
3 Now, how can we do it? Let s say you go on the forums and we have a new member and they re frustrated. They re having some problem. It might be a problem like downloading the lessons. I mean that s a common one, right? We see that all the time. Ah! I can t download the lesson. And some of these people get really upset very quickly. And, unfortunately, I think this is a bit sad myself, but some of them immediately think that I or we are doing something bad to them. Our lessons are not working. The file is totally broken. Or I m trying to cheat them or You know you see this sometimes. I m always surprised because it s the first thing they do is they immediately think of this incredibly negative thing. We re trying to cheat them and we re doing this bad thing and we re bad people and ah! You know? Unfortunately what usually happens is they have a problem with their connection. Their Internet connection was not so good and the file got damaged when they downloaded it and usually all they need to do is just download it again. But, you know, we have to break that negative pattern first for a couple reasons. Well, number one, we have to break the pattern so they can hear the solution. If they re really negative and emotional they can t hear the solution. If they re negative emotional, you know, we can tell them, hey, just try to download again. It s simple. Don t worry about it. It s not a big deal. Sometimes that works, but sometimes if they re very negative, if the pattern is strong because maybe they do this a lot in their life, they immediately think of the worst thing, well then sometimes they re so emotional if you tell them just download it again they still get angry. Ah! I already tried downloading it. Why should I try again? And then they get really upset, so we have to break that pattern first. We gotta break it so that we change their emotion, change their focus, change their thinking, get them to think differently, then they can hear the solution. Now Tony Robbins talks a lot about this, but I want to be clear, these are not just my ideas. You know, I learned a lot of this from Tony Robbins, how to break someone s habits. And one of the things Tony talks about a lot is using questions. So a very easy way to break a pattern when someone is very negative is to ask questions. Instead of telling them something, just ask a question that will change their focus and get them to think in a more positive way. We learned this last month when we talked about the power questions for just a normal conversation. Well you can also do this when people are being negative or upset. Let me give you an example. Um, you might ask them, um, questions. For example, how could you change this now and enjoy it? That s a nice question. How could you change this situation now and enjoy it? And enjoy it is important, okay? And see what they say.
4 And they might say something like I can t change it! I can t enjoy it! They re kind of still in this negative pattern. So then you use another technique that Tony uses a lot and you say if you could change it and enjoy it now what would you do? So you just if they say I can t, I can t, then just say, here, if you could change it and enjoy it what would you do or what could you do? And see that just changes them. Now it changes them from focusing on some problem, focusing on the negative. By asking the question they have to think of something more positive. They have to think about solutions now. You re changing their focus with your question. Another thing you might ask if they say, oh, you re trying to cheat me, you might ask them what is another possible reason this is happening? So you re just asking them to think about other possible explanations. If they say it s because you re cheating me because you are a bad person, you might say, okay, you think I m a bad person. You think I m trying to cheat you. Well what s another reason this problem might be happening? What s another possible explanation? That s a nice question. They have to imagine something else. Ah, I don t know. And then you ask them again. If they say I don t know -- a lot of people will say I don t know -- then you say if you did know what would another possible explanation be, if you did know, or if you could think of more reasons what would they be? That s your second question. If they say I don t know then you ask the next question. If you did know or if you knew what would other possible reasons be? So see you re changing their focus. They re thinking the worst thing. You re bad. You re cheating me. And you ask these questions and now they have to think of some other reasons. Um, well, I don t know. Maybe there s a computer problem. Maybe the file is damaged. Maybe this, maybe that. It doesn t matter what they say, you just get them to think of other possible things and after they do that then you can tell them your opinion. You can say well maybe the file was damaged when you were downloading it. Just try to download it again, usually that helps. So you see first you change their focus with a question, you get them to relax a little bit, think of some other possible reasons, break the pattern, break the negative pattern then you give your suggestion. Alright, so let s talk about other great questions to break patterns. Some people their negative pattern, they re not saying you re bad, you re bad and sometimes their pattern is they think negatively about themself. Themselves, excuse me. I make mistake too. They think negatively about themselves. They think, oh, I am not good enough. I m not good at English. I can t write on the forums because I make too many mistakes. My writing is terrible. I don t know what to do. I tried everything
5 and I ve been studying a long time I never improve, right? They have these very negative beliefs and patterns of thinking about themselves. We ve got to break those too. Those are very important to break. How can you break them? By asking questions, questions that change their focus. This is a good one, I love it. You might say what do you feel grateful for in your life right now? What do you feel grateful for in your life right now? You can ask that question anytime and suddenly, oh, what, grateful? They have to suddenly think of something very different. They can t be focused on themselves and my English is terrible. You just say what are you grateful for in your life right now? And they might say I don t know. They might say nothing. But then what do you do? You already know the technique, right? You say if you were grateful for something what would it be? If you were grateful for something in your life now what would it be? If they give you a negative answer ask again using if. If you were grateful what would you be grateful for? And then, again, all you re doing is breaking their thinking, breaking the negative pattern of thinking and trying to focus them on a more positive way of thinking, so now if they focus on gratitude that s a very positive thing. What am I grateful for? Um, I m grateful for my husband or wife. I m grateful I m healthy. I m grateful that I joined this forum. Whatever, it doesn t matter. You just get them in a more positive way of thinking then you can give a suggestion. After they answer, well, I m grateful for my children, they re very wonderful, and then you can say that s great. It s great. It sounds like you have great children. By the way, I think your English writing is very good. Keep writing. Don t worry. You re doing a great job. See now you tell them something and you give them, again, more positive feelings and thinking and now they begin to feel more confident, more confident and hopefully they ll start writing more and more on the forums. Interesting, ha? Simple way to break the negative pattern and then you focus them on something positive and then you give them more positive thoughts, compliments, etc. Okay, another great question. This is a good question when people have problems, any problems. They re complaining about something. They have a problem in any part of their life. With themselves, with you, with another situation, it doesn t matter. Very simple question, you say, again, how could you do something different? How could you do something differently? What could you do differently now? See, again, people get stuck. They re thinking about the same thing. They keep trying the same thing. They keep doing the same thing, the same thing, the same thing. They get stuck, so just by asking this question they have to think of other possibilities. What could I do differently? Um, I don t know.
6 So again you say what could you do differently right now? What could you do differently right now? They might say nothing. They might say I don t know. What do you do? You could say if you knew, what could you do differently right now? If there was something, what would you do differently right now? And you kind of push them to give you some other answers. See how this works? So you ask this question that changes their focus. If they give you a negative answer you ask it again using if. That s the basic formula. Here s another one I like that s a very general one, a kind of powerful question, you say you can say this to new members or anybody you can say what do you feel proud about in your life right now? What do you feel proud about or what can you feel proud about in your life now? I love this question. Why? Because when you ask somebody what do you feel proud about what are you asking them? You re basically saying tell me about success in your life. Tell me about something that is successful in your life. Because when we feel the emotion of pride or when we feel proud what do we feel proud about? We feel proud about success, right? When we do something well we feel proud. So when you ask this question you re getting people to talk about their success. They start talking about their success story. So what do you do? You break their focus on failure. When people are focused on something that s bad they re focusing on failure, on mistakes. They re focusing on mistakes. I don t write well. I m not good at English. Ask them, what do you feel proud about in your life right now? Now they might not talk about English, they ll probably talk about something else in their life. That s okay because what you re doing is you re changing their focus. They were focusing on mistakes and problems, now they re focusing on success, past success. Immediately you improve their confidence. When you think about success, when you think about pride or being proud, automatically you start feeling more confident. Then when they re feeling confident that s when you tell them, hey, your writing is actually very good. Don t worry about mistakes. Just keep writing. You re improving. You re doing great. I love reading what you write on the forums. Don t worry. You re going to improve a lot. We don t worry about mistakes here at Effortless English. Just write. You re going to do great. See how that works? You can say that first. It s not a bad if you just say that immediately, but sometimes it s more powerful if you ask the question first. First ask the question to break their negative pattern. What do you feel proud about right now or can you tell me about some successful things in your life right now? If you break the negative pattern suddenly they re talking about success, thinking about success, remembering success, they re feeling more confident, now you tell them, hey, don t worry. You re writing is actually
7 very good and I hope you will continue to write. And don t worry about the mistakes. We don t worry about that here at Effortless English. Another powerful question. Alright, let s think of some more. I wrote actually a list. Let me look at my list. Okay, here s another one, get them to focus on the future. When they re focused on bad things right now you can say what do you want more of in your life right now? What do you want more of in your life right now? Do you want more love in your life right now? Do you want more happiness in your life right now? Do you want more money in your life right now? Do you want more success in your life, more friends? I don t know. What is it? Ask them. Get them to think about that. Instead of focusing on what they don t have, I don t have this; I don t change their focus. Help them to focus on what they do what, on their goals, on their dreams, right? What are you doing? You re focusing them on their dream. What do you want more of in your life right now? If they say love, friendship, success, you say great, oh, that s fantastic! You re going to succeed. Don t worry. And, again, you re changing their focus. Here s another great question. What do you love? What do you love? When they re being negative, they re having problems, ah, ah, ah; I m not good enough, ah, ask them, what do you love? What do you love to do is a good question. A better question is what do you love? It s more general, it s more open and they might say I love my wife, they might say I love skiing or I love sports. They might say who knows what they ll say, but the point is they will focus on something positive, right? When you focus on what you love you change your thinking to something very, very positive. And after they are focusing on positive things then you give them advice or a suggestion or a compliment and you life their confidence. That s what we re doing as leaders. That s really one of our main things we just make these people feel stronger. Help people to feel stronger and more confident because then they will succeed more. When you feel confident you have more success. You learn faster, you succeed faster. Everything improves when you feel confident. When you feel weak or angry or you have doubts or you re worried or you re nervous or you re shy you learn more slowly, you succeed more slowly, everything is worse. So the first thing we do is we just break negative patterns and help people feel more confident by focusing on positive, good things. What s another question? Let me see one that I okay, this is a similar question you can ask. What do you really, really want? What do you really, really want? Very general question. They might answer anything, I don t know. But, again, what are you doing? You re getting them to focus on their dream when you say really, really. Say it twice. What do you really, really want? Oh, that connects with people s passion, right?
8 If you really, really want something oh, then you have some energy, some passion, and some enthusiasm. What do you really, really want? I really, really want to speak well. I really, really want a great job. Whatever. I really, really want that woman or that man. It doesn t matter what it is. When you talk about really, really want that s passion, that s energy and, again, you break their depression. You break that negative complaining and you change their focus to what they really, really want. When you think about what you really, really want you get more energy and you get more power and more confidence. If you focus the problem you get weaker. When you focus on feeling depressed and sad you get weaker, so we break that pattern with questions and we focus them on positive things. What s another question? Here s a very general question. I like this one. What s one thing, one thing, what s one thing you could change to improve your life right now? That s a good question to ask yourself, actually. I ask myself this question all the time. What s one thing you could change to improve your life right now? Ask it. If they say I don t know, then you say if you knew, what s one thing you could change to improve your life right now? If you did know, what s one thing you could do to improve your life, change your life right now? That s a great question. What does it do? It focuses them on their own power. It focuses them on their choices. If they re not focusing on what they can t do, I can t do this, I m not good at this, I can t, I can t, I can t, when you ask this question now they have to focus on what they can do. Okay, fine, you can t write English well right now. Okay, that s fine, maybe it s true. What can you do to improve your life right now? To improve your English right now? Well I could write on the forums and make a lot of mistakes, but at least I could write every day. That would probably improve my writing a little bit over time. Okay? Great. Who knows, they might say I could read more. There s a lot of things they might answer, but it doesn t matter. Just get them to break the negative focus and change to focusing on a solution, focusing on something they can do. And after they do that, after they give you a positive answer, well then you can also give your suggestion. So maybe you say what s one thing you could do right now to improve your English? Or what s one thing you could change right now to improve your English? And, I don t know, maybe they ll say go to an English class. Okay, maybe that s their answer. You say okay, yeah, you could do that and also you might try to do more easy listening and do more easy reading because that helps a lot of people. You might try that and you also might try writing on the forum every day, just one little paragraph, just something very short and don t worry about your mistakes.
9 You see they re feeling negative and bad, so you ask a question that breaks the negative pattern and focuses them on something positive. If they give you a negative answer still then you ask the question again using if. If you could change something to improve your life what would it be? Okay, so third and finally you can make a positive suggestion or a compliment or a statement. So, again, this formula for breaking a negative pattern is simple. Number one, you ask a powerful question that focuses them on something positive and I gave you a lot of examples of these kinds of questions. Number two, if they give you a negative answer or they say I don t know, you ask the question again using if. If you did know, how could you change your life to feel better? Or how could you change this situation to feel better, if you did know? That s step two. Finally, when they give you something that s a little bit positive you then make you suggestions, you give them your advice or you just compliment them, just say something nice. Okay, you re great. I think that s a great idea. So that s it. That is the very simple formula for breaking a negative pattern and getting someone to focus on something more positive that will help them feel more confident. So, of course, your homework, go onto the general forums and when you find a member who s having a problem and feeling negative, who s upset, try using this formula with them and use it in your normal life too. Okay, I hope you re doing well. Have a great day. Thank you my very special VIP member. I ll see you again soon, bye-bye.
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The 30-Day Journaling Challenge Welcome to The Sweet Setup s 30-Day Journaling Challenge! While you don t have to use Day One for the 30-Day Journaling Challenge, we have designed it with Day One in mind.
Happiness & Attitude Kids Activities Thousands of teachers worldwide have learned how fun and helpful it can be to have Happy Kids Songs in their classrooms. These full-production songs are both highly
You have taken the first step towards creating the life you would like to live. Questions To Change Your Life opens the door to so many more choices and possibilities than you have ever allowed yourself
Full Episode Transcript With Your Host Brooke Castillo Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it s all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor,
Summary of Autism Parent Focus Group 7/15/09 FACILITATOR: Tell us about your feelings as you went through the process of getting a diagnosis..what the process was like for you as individuals and families
10 Empowering Questions to Help Achieve Your Goals What are your goals? And could you quickly recite what they are, and the status of your progress? To reach your goals you need to clearly define them.
THE CONGRATULATIONS! If you're reading this guide then I'll venture to guess that you're feeling a bit frustrated and maybe even a little overwhelmed at the fact that no matter how hard you try, your daily
My Person Centred Statement. This tool has been compiled by Julie Sutton for Debra Moore Associates My Person Centred Statement. This tool has been designed to help you think about what is important to
Pure Energy Audio Hi, this is A.J. and welcome VIP member. How are you today? I hope you re having a great day. Now this month I have another video lesson for you. This time I m using a piece of a video
Session 20: Balance Your Thoughts Changing your old lifestyle habits is hard. However, you have already learned that it is possible. In addition, many of you comment on all the positive things that have
Formality in Presentations- Brainstorming and Correction Present your ideas to your partner, inviting questions and then your partner s opinion. Do the same, but this time pretending you are giving a formal
21 U NIT Advice and Suggestions The Right Job 1 Grammar in the Real World A What are some important things to think about when you plan your career or look for a job? Read the article on advice for people
Name My growth mindset interactive journal 1. I can learn anything because I was born to learn. 2. I can train my brain through practice. 3. I can choose my thoughts when things are challenging. 4. I know
Best Times - VIP Audio Hi it s AJ, welcome VIP member to this month s topic, this month s lesson. Now this one is inspired by a quote, which you may recognize. I think it was Tolstoy. I haven t actually
MS Learn Online Feature Presentation Healthy Living with MS: Fitting MS into Your Daily Life Special Guest: Clay Walker Kate: Hi everyone, welcome to MS Learn Online. I m Kate Milliken your host for the