Five Keys To Really Great Sex Tonight Even if You re NOT in the Mood Five Keys To Really Great Sex Tonight Even if You re NOT in the Mood

Transcription

1 Five Keys To Really Great Sex Tonight Even if You re NOT in the Mood by Gina Parris creator of and 1

2 The following is a transcript from an audio I did one time. I hope it blesses you. If you d like to listen to a current audio on the subject, just opt-in over at I believe in you!! Gina Parris GINA: Hey, my name is Gina Parris and I m the creator of Built To Win Coaching and Winning At Romance. Winning at Romance is my most personal project ever and it is all about my heart to help you and support you in building a marriage that is just truly sexy and sacred and fulfilling. And so what we re going to talk about on this audio is 5 Keys to Really Great Sex Tonight even if you re not in the mood. I want you to be certain that you can really engage with your mate and really enjoy passion and pleasure and not be at the mercy of your moods. So before we get started, I think it might help you if I tell you a little bit about myself and why I m so passionate about this project and about this need because as you can imagine, it s very personal for me to step out into this venue and leave the whole world of peak performance. (Well, I haven t totally left it, I still take performance clients) but I ve really put the majority of my energy into marriage and relationships especially into marriage intimacy. So let s back up several years- I have been married since That s more than 22 years that I have been married to the love of my life. And I have loved being a wife this whole time, I really have. And so the baffling thing to me as we were walking out our marriage was that at some point very early into our relationship, I seemed to have totally, completely lost my sex drive. And I look back and I don t know if it was from birth control or what. It certainly wasn t because I came into the relationship with baggage about sex, I didn t grow up thinking sex was dirty, but we ll touch on that idea if that is something that matters to you, where you can go from here. But we would have this constant sort of tension in the air in our marriage about how little we had sex. And it was so humiliating to me and it sort of created this annoyance in my husband all the time. He recently commented, well, we used to have sex maybe once a month, and even then you never look like you enjoyed it, Gina. It was just frustrating! And he said this just a few months ago and like, wow, this is still kind of tender! Thankfully about 14 years into it, everything changed. So we ll talk about that, but if you re in a relationship where you and your mate have different sex drives, then I totally, completely understand the frustration about that. I understand those recurring fights. I understand how one puts pressure and feels angry, and the one with the low desire feels resentful and angry. And even if you otherwise have a 2

3 great marriage, people us all the time and say, well, we look like we have this perfect marriage, but this has been an issue for a long time, than I understand. And so I care because I know what it s like to just really cry in your pillow out of frustration, I know what it s like to just feel like kicking your mate s teeth in because you hate feeling like there s something wrong with you and you hate the pressure to perform. All of this stuff was not God s design for marriage! I m convinced of that. And so let s just take a deep breath and believe that as you listen to this audio, there will be a breakthrough for you and that s why I m here. So I m not going to be slick on this audio; I make my living as a professional speaker, I know how to be slick. I don t care one drop about slick on this recording. I care about you. So hopefully you can let me be me. I might stutter sometimes, I might have incomplete sentences, but I m here for you. So let s take a deep breath, and I ll just ask that I m able to speak words that give hope to your heart. Well, let me tell you what changed in my relationship. One night, this would be 7 years ago, I suppose, I was working here in my home office, my youngest kids were in kindergarten we have 4 children so the twins were in kindergarten. They were 5, 8 and 12 or something, were our children s ages, but I was coming to bed and there were all the candles lit and my husband was in bed and he was waiting for me. And I remember looking at that and thinking, Oh gosh! Not here, not now! Really? This isn t going to go well! The last thing on my mind was having sex. And I said, Hold on, let me just go take a shower. And as I was in the shower, I remembered this mindset technique that somebody had recommended to me, where we really acknowledge our distress and we get in touch with our energy and this whole energy word I thought was kind of way too woo-woo and weird anyhow, but I was desperate. And so I was in the shower and water s pouring down on me and I start tapping on my body and I started saying, Even though I m not in the mood for sex, I totally accept myself anyway, and I choose to feel good. And you know, I just went through this whole process that I actually teach in a program called The Sexy Marriage Solution, but I didn t know what to expect. 3

4 I just did all this stuff for about 10 minutes. And as I did, I became really present and it was so odd. I thought, Look at that! I look pretty good! My skin looks pretty and it smells good in here. And I came out to my bedroom not knowing what to expect. And from the moment my husband kissed me, it felt like the first time we had ever kissed and I was so arousable and everything felt magical and wonderful and we were so connected and it was like honeymoon lovemaking experience. It was so beautiful! And the next day, I didn t have any anxiety when he started kissing me and we did it again and again the next day. And we had really not every done it, I don t think, 3 days in a row since the honeymoon, or maybe not even then, I don t know. I was a virgin when we got married. We d waited. And we had made this commitment. So it was supposed to be this magical experience way back then. It was pretty good on our honeymoon. But now it s way better than ever. And when my sex drive was kind of turned back on, I just called it unblocked. My sexual energy was unblocked. It seriously transformed our marriage. I thought that we had a good marriage, but when we started to connect romantically and sexually and I desired him and I wanted to initiate, it changed everything. And man, I remember thinking that if Paul and I could instill or reproduce in people what s been so beautiful to us, then maybe it would help me deal with that deep, deep regret because you can imagine, looking at my marriage and thinking man, there went 14 of the years that should have been some of the best, and I really created a lot of pain there. It makes me sad and I regret that. But when I realized this problem is so common and that God really has given me a solution here, it s way outside my comfort zone originally to share it because sometimes it s misunderstood, but I feel like I m really called to be here and to speak into you and to equip you. So with all that hopefulness in mind, I want you to understand that you do have a sexual energy. You are composed of energy! Well, what happened with this whole process was I threw myself into understanding it and learning it and it had a name. In this case it was called meridian therapy or tapping or some one specific brand is called the Emotional Freedom Technique and it all seemed weird. But I worked with clients to help them perform at their peak under pressure. And so as I started working with these clients. I had stock market clients and baseball clients, 100 percent of the time, they go rid of any performance anxiety and they were able to reach their goals and it was really mind -boggling. (Using this tapping technique I tried on them.) 4

5 And so I wrote a book for all our baseball parents and then it became really popular on the internet. And when I wrote that, I studied a ton of cellular biology and Western biology, to figure out how did all this happen? So I say all that to say that I am very confident that we can change our body s response to stress. I want you to think about having sex with your mate. And if that raises anxiety to you, well it s totally a conditioned response, just like we saw Pavlov and his dogs who would salivate when he rang a bell. There are experiences that you have and you have attached meaning to them and they play into your sexual response. So we want you to be aware of that because awareness is first step towards change. So let s look at these 5 keys to great sex tonight. It could be that your energy is simply blocked in some of these areas. And when I say energy, I mean literally how your body flows from your nervous system, how you respond to stimuli. So we want to work right with your nervous system. No big deal, not too much woo-woo, even though a lot of this is taken from, say, traditional Chinese medicine, I don t know. All I know is I prayed about it and I get a hundred percent results with my clients. So when we back up and say, how to have really great sex when you re not in the mood, we usually get a few different responses from people. One response is the sort of anger from the higher desire spouse, right? That spouse is saying, I m not the one who s never in the mood! And they have this anger response. If you say, How to have really great sex when you re not in the mood, the person who s never in the mood starts to feel a defensiveness and says, Oh my gosh! Why should I have to when I don t want to? This is my body, I shouldn t have to! And so I want to address that right off the bat and I want to say you don t have to. Of course you don t! But if you re like me and you have a desire to please your mate, you sort of long for those days when you knew that you were a sexual being and you re able to feel great, then you have a right to pleasure. You were created for pleasure. You were designed to feel great, to connect with your mate in a way that s powerful. And the hormones that are released during orgasm are very much bonding hormones. Your body releases all this oxytocin. It s the same hormone as when you nurse a baby and you feel so close to your 5

6 child. And so sex is made to be a place of pleasure and connection and bonding and it also releases a lot of creative energy and it builds your self-esteem and it reduces stress. There s so much that s so wonderful about sex in spite of the fact that our culture has distorted it and perverted a lot of things. So why should you have to if you don t want to? -Because you re missing out on a huge amount of pleasure and deep, deep connection. So if you don t want to, I understand. I didn t want to most of the time. People ask me, I just don t get it. You make it sound so easy. Well, I just decided to have a great sex life. And it is easy now, but I was as baffled as some of you are for all those years. I just thought, Golleeeey! What is wrong with me? Or am I normal? I assure you, wherever you are in your relationship, you re probably normal. Our sexual appetites ebb and flow. So the Key number 1 is this: To enjoy really great sex on demand, you need to feel great about yourself. 1. Feel Great About Your SELF So often we ve got all this stuff coming at us, messages about what s beautiful, what s sexy; if you re a woman in my country, in the USA, especially if you re a white girl and you gain weight, you re made to feel like you re disgusting, you know? There s a multi-billion dollar industry that s aimed at getting rid of ugly fat or we have so much pressure to be beautiful, to be smart, to bring home the bacon, to make money, to keep a clean house, to raise perfect children, to take our children everywhere, to cook meals, to do it all and to have it all, and it s really ludicrous! And yet you are so perfect right now. You re perfect! You deserve to feel great tonight. You deserve to have really great sex. And so Key number 1 to great sex tonight is to feel great about yourself. If you look in the mirror and you say, I am sexy! -and you feel there s too much inner conflict about that, then I encourage you to take a deep breath, put your hands on your heart, and let yourself just feel the energy of saying, 6

7 I am beautiful and sexy just like I am! So Key number 1 is feel great about yourself. Key number 2 then, since it takes two to tango, is to feel positive towards your mate. 2. Feel Good About Your SPOUSE More often the men write to me on this subject when the man is the higher desire spouse than the woman, (although I m going to tell you, I think that the stereotype doesn t totally hold as true as we were led to believe that men are always raring to go and women never are. A lot of times the roles are reversed.) but usually the ones who call so baffled are the men, or they ll me and they ll say, Gosh, you know my wife just never wants to do it, she acts like she d be happy if we never have sex again. Well sometimes, gentlemen, it s because a woman just does not feel positive towards you. If you have unresolved issues, you ve got anger, if you have said things that hurt her and never apologize and healed that, it s hard for her to get aroused. But ladies or men, whoever s the low desire spouse here that I m speaking to, I want to encourage you to focus on everything that s great about that mate of yours. Think about what you are attracted to, what is beautiful. We want to look at our mate and really make love to his very best self. We want to bring our best self into the bedroom and make love to all that is good in our mate. And so we have the power in taking charge of our own sex drive. We have the power to stir up our own desire, to focus on what s good, to focus on what s beautiful, to allow ourselves to want to seduce that in him, to want to bring out the best. So if you feel like you really don t ever have a lot of drive, I challenge you to start telling yourself, I have a beautiful mate. I have a fabulous mate. I mean, I m coming from the premise that you do love your mate and the mate s a good person and your sex life is struggling. Obviously if things are terrible, that requires deeper healing. But if you can honestly say this is a good person and focus on what they do right, that s what you ll see. And as you do, imagine the best times that you had together, the best times when you connected sexually, the kindest things that you heard, things that ministered to your love language, and 7

8 really celebrate those times so that you ll feel good about your mate. Practice forgiveness. Practice Forgiveness So tip number 2 is about feeling positive towards your mate. Tip number 3 is this: in order to enjoy really great sex tonight, you ll want to be in touch with your senses. 3. Get in touch with your SENSES That s right! In touch with your senses. Take a minute out to slow down a little. I m talking to myself because I m so excited that you re listening, I m like talking, talking really fast! So I need to slow down and hopefully you ll slow down with me and tune in to your environment right now. I m going to ask you to really not even multi-task as you listen, as possible. But look around your environment, look for something beautiful. And then focus on your own body. Focus on your breathing for a moment. Focus on if you have a drink of water or something that you re drinking or eating. Really notice how it tastes and feels in your mouth. If you have hand lotion that you can put on- really enjoy how it smells and feels on your skin. A huge element to your success is your ability to conquer stress. And stress is the biggest killer of sex drive right now. Stress and anxiety and then to be really brutal, the medications that people take to combat anxiety, it can really kill a sex drive. But we can clear the root of what causes our anxiety. You can learn to practice enjoying your presence in the moment. -and I come from a place of faith in God, so I love to practice the presence of God and believe that as I breathe in, I breathe in this beautiful life, as I exhale, I m in the presence of the life-giver. When you can do that, you can enjoy the moment and enjoy your senses. Lovemaking is a sensuous experience! If you re trying to seduce your mate or you re the one trying to stir up your own sex drive, in a sensuous way, create a bedroom that s beautiful; light the candles, play beautiful music, create an environment that does help you relax and get in touch with your senses. 8

9 So we want to feel great about ourselves, we want to feel great about our mate, at least feel positive, always fairly positive towards our lover. We want to feel in touch with our senses. Another key to great sex tonight is feeling good about sex itself. 4. Feel Good about SEX Sometime sex seems like it s boring or it seems like it s dirty. We may have a past that s associated with guilt. And let me just speak to that for a moment: Whatever your past is, you cannot change your past. But you can change the meaning that you give to past events, and when you do that, you transform your reality. The thing is, this is not really an intellectual process. And in my work with clients, this is something we do really on a cellular level and really a neurological level where you can get to remember a painful issue and that issue just shrinks in intensity. My clients consistently get where it s hard to even remember that painful memory or they can sort of remember that it happened but it has absolutely no connection to their physiology now. Like Wow, I can remember how awful it was, but I don t feel it. Well, that s beautiful! And we re going to move you then to a place where sex becomes what you decide that it is. (Decide that it s good!) And we ll bring you back to what I call your secret garden, where this is a place of pleasure and delight. In the Bible, Adam and Eve were created and they were put in the Garden of Eden, and you know, literally, that name Eden means pleasure and delight. You know, they were naked and unashamed and that s what we desire for you and your sex life, that it s the secret garden for you and your mate. Your marriage bed is a place of such incredible pleasure that nobody else will ever have access to. So feeling great about sex itself, that involves being present, enjoying the fact that you were created for all this pleasure, the fact that you re a grown-up person with the privilege of grown-up sex, you know? Whatever happened before, it s completely separate. So maybe sex just seems boring, like, ugh, you know? Then grow in your skill level. I think over at WinningAtRomance.com, I think I ve got resources to help you grow in your skill. But a lot of overcoming boredom has to do with just really tuning in to the moment with all your senses in the place of love and affection and romance and passion. Really unleash that erotic energy! 9

10 If sex is painful, again, there s steps you can take to that. Getting medical help or we ve got all kinds of resources for you. Sex doesn t have to be painful, not emotionally and not physically. There are steps you can take. See a sexologist or a romance coach. So you want to reframe how you view sex. So another way to do that is to hang around people that have a really healthy sex life. There s marriage bloggers and books and things like that as well that will speak into your sex drive and into your sensuality in a way that s really healthy and very positive. So feeling good about yourself, feeling good about your mate, feeling in touch with your sense, feeling good about sex itself, and this last one is a little more abstract, (unless you think they re all abstract, I don t know!) It s this. Lean in here with me. This last key is about choosing love over fear. 5. Choose Love over STRESS and Fear Going back to this idea that we are composed of energy this was Einstein s discovery, right? -That everything is composed of energy. Even things that seem solid are really just vibrating waves or drops of energy. And they re waves or drops, depending on the observer. The whole thing is just really wild. The whole quantum mechanics of how the seen and unseen realm works, it s all the same material. So you are composed of energy and energy leaves your brain in only two forms love or fear. It s fascinating! Scientists have found that basically you re either operating in fear or love. And there s lots of scientific mumbo jumbo I could get into about this, but that s not very sexy. The point is that love drives out fear. And so a lot of times we re dealing with performance anxiety and think about what triggers performance anxiety. Past failure! This is true whether we re talking about a baseball player on a baseball field trying to hit a homerun or you trying to score in your own bedroom. If you ve been humiliated in the past, then your body takes that on. If you ve just had frustration and after frustration like I did for all those years, your body remembers it and takes it on. And we get in a place of fear. And so instead I want to encourage you to stay in this place of love. Love your own body, in spite of its shortcomings, in spite of things that maybe haven t gone like you think they should. If you look at your life and any part of your story and your body and your marriage, any of it, if it makes you go, Argh! It wasn t supposed to be like this! 10

11 I ask you to just let go, embrace what is, and choose it in this moment. It s perfect. You have access to absolute unlimited rivers of perfect love. That love just washes through you, it flows through you, it brings healing to you the through you, and part of all that healing love is sexual. It s emotional, it s spiritual, that all is sexual. This is what we re talking about when we say intimacy. It s on all these levels physical, spiritual, emotional. And so that love of your mate, that love of everything that is, that love of all this imperfect crap you wish you could change, you can change it when you power through it with this place of love. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. So when we have this no desire or this recoiling instinct, it s really because we ve stepped over into fear rather than love. So I ll just equip you right now and I encourage you to rest and trust in the power of love: Love that s greater than your shortcomings, greater than your husband s shortcomings, or your wife s shortcomings, and that is able to lift you up higher in a place of healing sexually. Okay? Was that too random, choosing love over fear? This means when you feel like refusing your mate, that you can ask yourself, Am I in love or am I afraid? And you might think, I m not afraid! I just don t like it! Well, you re afraid of how it feels to be in an unpleasant place. So take a deep breath with me. I want you to picture the best lovemaking experience you can have with your mate and put your hand on your chest and say, I love it here. I love it here! And sort of feel your energy in your body, just all this love from the soles of your feet to the top of your head, there s energy that flows and it s love and it s romance and it s sex and it s beautiful and it s good. So that is what I want to leave you with: Love, sex, romance, all of that plays into this divine intimacy. And so you can see where, as you ll take steps to learn how to overcome stress and be in touch with your senses, how to love and accept yourself, grow in sexual confidence, how to forgive and love your mate and maybe pray for your mate and lift them up and surround them with faith and love and be in touch with your senses, all these 11

12 things, they will play into great sex tonight! So as you go from here, think about sex, just ask yourself which of those issues do I need to work on? And in closing, I just want to let you know a resource that I have, which is called the Sexy Marriage Solution. That s just one thing. I have other things as well like the Love and Sex Summit with a bunch of experts. But what s very unique about the Sexy Marriage Solution at SexyMarriageSolution.com is this: that I take you through the exact same routine that really shifted this energy for me. And I help you understand how to work on this energetic level. It s weird to say, energetic. I ve had some people tell me that is so New Age! You... sinner! And all I can say is, you know what, I have prayed about this, I ve got 100 percent success with the people that opened their space to me and go for it. Plus, it s really not that weird. We re usually just down on stuff we re not up on, so believe me, I studied Eastern Medicine, Western Medicine, Cellular Biology. Not that much Eastern stuff, but enough to help you understand that, wow, our body has energy that flows through it. When you study martial arts, they say, See, your energy flows on these energy meridians. If you grab 3 of them, you knock out your opponent instantly. So they re real enough to make a difference fighting. I know that because I compete. And we touch on these meridians and we transform your body s response to all these 5 things on a cellular level. So if you want to really experience that, just follow along with these videos at sexymarriagesolution.com. It really costs less than a piece of lingerie from Victoria s Secret. So you can check that out at SexyMarriageSolution.com, and hopefully, you will just stay in my space here and share this message and believe for something bright and beautiful and healing in your sex life. I m telling you what, I believe in you and I believe that great things are in store no matter how they ve gone in the past. So if you have any questions, you can me at Gina@WinningAtRomance.com. I ll try to read and answer every and it s my privilege to stand with you and believe for you and take you to the next level for you. Come see me at WinningAtRomance.com and at God bless you! Bye-bye! [END OF AUDIO] 12

13 About Gina Parris: The short version from my publicist: Gina Parris is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. She is dedicated to helping people heal their sexual and relational issues. Throughout the past 28 years, Gina has served on staff of several large churches and encouraged thousands of people -privately, in groups, through television, radio and other media. She also speaks to organizations on topics dealing with home and work balance. Gina combines the best of Sports Psychology, Energy Therapy and Biblical promises to help people enjoy a Love Life marked by victory. The really long version- from my heart: Privately I love everything that has to do with peak performance and winning. I am ridiculously competitive (in a fun way of course) and I even have a company called Built To Win Coaching, where I get to help athletes and other professionals master their mindset under pressure. In my world, everything relates to sports, and the science of winning helps us do everything better. And now, more than ever my heart is stirred for people to win their most intimate game: Love, Romance, Marriage! Why? Because the last so called sexual revolution did nothing to bring life and liberty to the masses. Instead it delivered plenty of disillusionment and loneliness. Even among the superstars in our culture, we often see an inability to live victoriously at home. What about when we love our spouse, but the passion is dying? Truly I know what it is like to struggle in the bedroom and have no one to talk to about it, to have no one with solutions. For years, I didn t know what was wrong with me! All I knew was I loved my husband but not his sex drive! I had no idea how hurtful that was to him, but I did know that lots of evenings the tension and frustration was so bad that all I could do was roll over and cry into my pillow. I was an expert in human potential, for heaven s sakes, why couldn t I just be a sensuous wife? The problems at the core of our love life spilled over into the rest of our relationship, and the downward spiral was often unbearable. The great news is that as I learned how to take charge of my own mind and body connection, I discovered how to re-ignite my own sex drive and our marriage was literally transformed. Obviously I don t think a great love life is the answer to all marriage troubles, but I do know that the keys that make marriage intimacy work are the keys that bring healing all the way around. The tingles in the bedroom (or on the beach?) are just part of the reward. 13

14 As we celebrated 22 years of marriage this year, I was overcome with gratitude for a union that is stronger, sexier and more sacred than ever before. We have even recently managed the trials of a year apart due to his career as a Navy Reservist. I hope you will become a part of the Winning at Romance story and celebrate the Redemption of love in a sex-crazed society. I warn you that The Sailor and I don t by any means have this all figured out perfectly. I still sometimes have a short temper and a messy office, and he is known to need peace and quiet when I am aching for a party. However, if you are open to honest questions and new ways of thinking, and probably a little too much laughter, than I know great things are in store for all of us. Plus, I ll gather really great experts to handle the stuff I don t know! I say it s time for a new sexual revolution. How about one that is sizzling, sexy and sacred? Let s do this thing! And as you fight for your marriage, I ll be right here in your corner! God bless you, Gina