Soccer Balls Scene B 1. EXT. FATHER-IN-LAW S MANSION - GARDEN AREA - MORNING

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1 Scene B 1. EXT. FATHER-IN-LAW S MANSION - GARDEN AREA - MORNING Todd is escorted into the garden by the (67 years old). There are statues throughout the garden area. There is a chess board on the table with a statue of Priapus by it. The lord of the manor will be with you shortly. Would you care for a beverage? Yes, I ll have some cherry Koolaid. We don t have cherry Kool aid, sir. That s fine. I ll take some grape Kool-aid then. I m sorry sir. We don t have Koolaid. That s odd. It s the official soft drink of Nebraska. Nebraska, sir? Why you old corn husker, you. What do you serve when you host the local 4-H club? Sir. Very well. I ll take a Shirley Temple. Thank you, sir. The butler walks away. And don t skimp on the cherries.

2 Scene B 2. Todd turns around and accidentally bumps into the penis of the Priapus statue. He gets a handle on the statue by the penis just before it topples to the ground. He cautiously places the statue back on it s platform. He looks at the chess board with the remaining pieces in the last phase, the end game. He places his finger on the bishop as he contemplates a move. (O.S.) Cease! This instant! Startled Todd knocks over a couple of pieces on the chess board. (64 years old) storms up to the table and hovers over the chess board in a protective manner with his arms and hands. You dolt! You dunderhead! Todd attempts to help him pick up the fallen pieces. I got it. I got it. Hands off! Nathaniel slaps him on his hands. Ouch! Todd accidentally knocks over more pieces. You imbecile! You ve ruined my game of postal correspondence chess. Eight months of play extinguished in eight seconds. Oh boy. I m sorry. You should consider playing checkers. Nathaniel tosses the chess board into the air as pieces fly. (CONT D) There s a lot less stress involved.

3 Scene B 3. The trouble with you is, as a man, you lack the courage and bravery to enter the cave and slay the dragon. What cave? What dragon? It s symbolism for your sad inconsequential existence. The butler enters the area with the drinks on a tray. Your daiquiri, sir. Thank you, Sydney. Nathaniel grabs the glass from the tray and takes a sip. Your Shirley Temple, sir. Double the cherries. Thank you, Sid. Todd grabs the glass from the tray. The butler stands at attention off to the side. Why are you before me? I need your help. It involves your grandson. Did he disown you? Not yet. Did my daughter disown you? You wish.

4 Scene B 4. I wish you were cursed like the Greek God Priapus. Nathaniel motions to the statue of Priapus on the platform. Todd, perplexed, looks at the statue. Cursed with a huge sausage? Todd bites some cherries off the stir straw. Cursed with ugliness and impotence. Todd regurgitates the cherries. Alas, one out of two will have to suffice. Todd wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. It s a beautiful statue. Yes, one of a kind. I commissioned an Italian artist to sculpt it. It s priceless. Nathaniel takes a sip of his drink. Now, what about my grandson? I started a soccer league for boys and Ryan is... You? I d venture to say your soccer league is doomed from the start? I ll just cut to the chase. I m asking for you to pay for the trophies for the league. Don t do it for me, do it for your grandson.

5 Scene B 5. I want you to grovel before me. Grovel, why? You want the trophies don t you? Yeah? Then kneel before me and grovel? Okay? Todd kneels before Nathaniel. (CONT D) It would please me greatly if you would pay for the trophies for my soccer league. No. Todd stands up. What? You asked me to grovel and I groveled. You are an uninvited guest of this manor. You are here only for my amusement. Sydney, fetch the attack dogs. The butler smiles at Todd and leaves the area. Did you say attack dogs? Yes, I did. You re kidding right? Todd takes a gulp of his drink.

6 Scene B 6. (Growl) ATTACK DOGS (O.S.) Todd drops his glass. The glass shatters on the floor. Release the hounds! Todd hurriedly spins around to leave. Todd s right knee goes out causing him to crash into the statue of Priapus. The statue shatters on the floor as Todd limps off running through the backyard. Egads! My Priapus! The butler unleashes the attack dogs. The attack dogs chase Todd, who is running and screaming like a girl, through the garden area. (Scaling a brick wall) I m your son-in-law! Not from where I m standing. Nathaniel takes a sip of his daiquiri and smiles.