THE FAMILY BYTES. By Daniel O Donnell. Performance Rights

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1 THE FAMILY BYTES By Daniel O Donnell Performance Rights It is an infringement of the federal copyright law to copy or reproduce this script in any manner or to perform this play without royalty payment. All rights are controlled by Eldridge Publishing Co., Inc. Contact the publisher for additional scripts and further licensing information. The author s name must appear on all programs and advertising with the notice: Produced by special arrangement with Eldridge Publishing Company. ELDRIDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY histage.com 2013 by Daniel O Donnell

2 - 2 - Dedication To Linda, my wife of 45 years. Thank you for the 25 years of collaboration, co-directing, set designing, costuming, hundreds of make-up applications, the painting of endless flats, the use of your furniture and all those cupcakes, cookies and brownies the students couldn't wait for. It was a labor of love, indeed. ~Mr.O SYNOPSIS Two inept detectives, Cagney and Lacey, have been put in charge of protecting an unusual family at a safe house until the mother, Elvira Bytes, can testify against a ruthless crime mob. The police are unaware, however, that Elvira, her husband Barnabas, and their three kids are vampires! The parents are trying to change the family ways but it isn t easy with sarcastic teenage daughter, Scarlett, who uses a voodoo doll, and teenage son, Jason, who thinks he is also a werewolf. Only the youngest daughter, Raven, wants to be normal. When she brings home Candy, a new friend, Cagney and Lacey go on high alert, which isn t easy for the two detectives who are not the brightest bulbs on the force. Is this new friend an associate of mob bosses Lucky Lucy and the germ-a-phobic Minnie the Mouth? Will two arrogant hotshot cops, Starsky and Hutch, have to step in to help? Sink your teeth into this comedy for an evening of non-stop fun! Approximate running time 65 minutes. This play premiered in 2012 at Freeport (PA) Junior High School.

3 - 3 - CAST OF CHARACTERS (4 m, 6 w, 3 flexible) LACEY: Inept detective who acts tough but doesn t pull it off. CAGNEY: Lacey s senior partner who acts as if she knows what she s doing. LT. KOJAK: Their boss, a gruff, hard-nosed detective. (Flexible) BARNABAS BYTES: The old-fashioned vampire father who wears long black cape; loveable, but a bit addlebrained. ELVIRA BYTES: Vampire mother, down-to-earth. SCARLETT BYTES: Oldest teenage vampire daughter who dabbles in voodoo; sarcastic and rebellious. JASON BYTES: Teenage vampire son who was influenced by the movie Twilight and thinks he is a werewolf. RAVEN BYTES: Youngest teenage vampire daughter who is quiet, level-headed, and wants to be normal. LUCKY LUCY: Ruthless underworld figure. (Flexible) MINNIE THE MOUTH: Lucy s underling and hit person, dim, and germ-a-phobic. (Flexible) CANDY: Attractive, ruthless hit man er, woman. STARSKY: Hot-shot cop. (In last scene only) HUTCH: His hot-shot partner. (In last scene only) (There is also one offstage voice of a neighbor.)

4 - 4 - Synopsis of Scenes ACT I Scene 1: Lt. Kojak s office in the police department. Scene 2: Later that evening in the shabby neighborhood of the safe house and inside the house itself. ACT II Scene 1: One week later in safe house. Scene 2: A short time later in the safe house. Scene 3: Minutes later, a short distance from the safe house. Scene 4: Three days later at night, at the safe house. PRODUCTION NOTES Lt. Kojak s office and outside the run-down safe house can take place before the curtain or below the stage. Kojak s office has a desk with a swivel chair, telephone, nameplate and a clear jar filled with lollipops. After Act I, Scene 1, Kojak s desk can be pushed aside and covered with boxes and trash bags, while other trash cans can be added to indicate the rough neighborhood of the safe house. The neighborhood setting can stay in place the entire time after the first scene. The interior of the safe house looks shabby with old, worn furniture including two small couches, chair, end table with magazines, dining table with five chairs (don t have to match), table lamp with torn shade, pictures on the walls hanging askew, and a dying plant or two. When the Bytes first enter the house, trash should be littering the floor. There are three entrances: stage right to the outside; stage left to the back rooms, and center stage to the kitchen. Additional props and costume pieces include: Small notepads for Cagney and Lacey; suitcases for Jason; voodoo doll with hatpin for Scarlett; 5 toy pistols; white cotton gloves and spray disinfectant and hand wipes for Minnie; newspaper, 5 fake steaks and 5 plates; stage blood; bloody apron for Elvira; cell phones for Cagney and Lacey; fake money for Candy; board game, tablet and pencil; cape, tee shirt, sweatpants, undershorts with handkerchief, black socks and shoes for Barnabas; shredded shirt for Minnie; Wolfman mask and hairy clawed gloves for Jason; sunglasses for Starsky and Hutch.

5 - 5 - ACT I Scene 1 (AT RISE: Lt. Kojak s office in the police department. CAGNEY and LACEY are waiting for their boss.) LACEY: (Nervous.) What do you think the lieutenant wants? CAGNEY: I have no idea, my curious friend, but it must be important in order for us to be pulled off the mean streets with such urgency. LACEY: (Excited.) Eww! Maybe we re being sent undercover to break up an international drug ring. CAGNEY: Perhaps, or perhaps a serial killer is on the prowl and we, as part of the city s finest, are to hunt him down like the dog he is. LACEY: Eww! I like the sound of that, the city s finest. It gives me proud chills just to hear it. CAGNEY: Indeed. LACEY: You know, the way the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. CAGNEY: Yes, okay. LACEY: Or the way your whole body tingles those teeny, tiny goose bumps. CAGNEY: Yes, I get the picture. LACEY: Or, what about when CAGNEY: (Losing patience, raises her voice.) Lacey! LACEY: Yes, Cagney? CAGNEY: What did I say about focusing? LACEY: Right, right focus. (Uses her hand to draw a straight line from her nose outward.) Gotcha. CAGNEY: Good. Do you think you can stay there? LACEY: Oh, I ll stay there alright, you can count on me, count on me all the way to busting those lowlife drugdealing, serial-killing sons of a CAGNEY: (Raising her voice.) Lacey, that is not focusing; that is babbling, leading in to unnecessary and unwanted profanity. LACEY: (Confused.) Profanity? What? Ohh! No, no, no! I was about to say sons of a criminal element.

6 - 6 - LACEY: (Cont d.) Geez, Cagney, I thought you knew me better than that. I don t do potty mouth. CAGNEY: My apologies. (Slowly paces.) I m afraid our being summoned here and taking us away from our current kidnapping case has placed my mind into a whirlwind of scenarios. LACEY: Huh? CAGNEY: (Stops, shakes her head slowly with a look of exasperation.) It means I m confused I m sure you can relate. LACEY: Relate? Who am I related to? CAGNEY: Nothing, nothing forget it. (Begins to pace again.) (As CAGNEY speaks LACEY sits in lieutenant s chair and comically bounces up and down, spins around and looks at papers on desk. At first Cagney doesn t notice.) CAGNEY: (Cont d.) What could be the reason for our summons? I ve not heard of any new cases of pressing need. Perhaps it is so secretive, so sensitive that word hasn t filtered to the rank and file. Yes, that s it! Lacey this could be (Sees where Lacey is sitting and whispers in a panicky voice.) What are you doing? Get up! LACEY: (Ignores her, reads office papers and laughs.) Hey, guess who s not getting promoted this year? (Just then KOJAK, with lollipop in mouth, enters, standing in doorway.) KOJAK: (Upset.) And guess who will be fired if she doesn t get out of my seat? (Walks to desk.) (CAGNEY holds hand to head and shakes it in disbelief. Startled, LACEY jumps up and proceeds to arrange desk.) LACEY: Lieutenant Kojak! Sorry, sir, I was just KOJAK: Snooping? Reading my memos? Invading my privacy? LACEY: Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. I was just

7 - 7 - KOJAK: Just what? LACEY: (Reluctantly.) Doing all those things you just said. KOJAK: Get away from my desk. LACEY: (Very nervous.) Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Won t happen again, sir. KOJAK: (Sits down.) A man can t even visit the john around here. LACEY: Sorry, sir. I hope your visit was a pleasant one. KOJAK: What! CAGNEY: What my partner meant, sir, is that it won t happen again. KOJAK: Spare me the apology. CAGNEY: Yes, sir. Sir, if I may ask what reason did you want to see us? KOJAK: Want is a word that I would never choose to see you two. CAGNEY: Then may I ask why we were pulled from our kidnapping case? LACEY: It s okay if you need to pull us off the case, sir, because we can t wait to bring down that lowlife drugdealing serial killer. (CAGNEY cringes.) KOJAK: What are you babbling about? There is no drugdealing, serial-killer case. And you re looking in to a missing-dog complaint, not a kidnapping. Where do you come up with this nonsense? CAGNEY: Sorry, sir, if I may LACEY: I got this one. CAGNEY: No, no, don t KOJAK: Let her go, Cagney. I really need to hear how a missing-dog report turned into a kidnapping case. (Leans back in chair.) Please, Lacey, continue. LACEY: (All proud, pulls out notepad and reads.) On October 15 th at approximately 10 p.m. KOJAK: (Trying to control temper.) No, no, skip the dates, skip the times, and just give me the reasoning!

8 - 8 - (LACEY looks at Cagney and smiles. CAGNEY, realizing what s going on, shakes her head and is almost in tears.) LACEY: Well, sir, we looked into the background of the family and found out that Mr. and Mrs. Scmidlap had filed for divorce. Well, as soon as we heard that, it was obvious. KOJAK: Do tell, what was obvious? LACEY: (Surprised KOJAK doesn t get it.) Well, the fact that in most kidnappings in a divorced family are caused by the spouse. So it was obvious that Mr. Scmidlap kidnapped Poochie-Poo. KOJAK: Poochie-Poo? CAGNEY: The dog in question, sir. LACEY: Yes, Poochie-Poo is a Pomeranian pup they purchased in Poughkeepsie. She is the sweetest little thing! We saw pictures of the precious pup. Mrs. Scmidlap is very upset. KOJAK: (Sarcastic, trying not to lose it.) Oh, she s very upset, is she? Well, guess what so am I, because I send you two out on a stupid missing-dog report to get you out of my hair and you turn it into the case of the century about precious Poochie-Poo the pup that was purchased in Pixieland! LACEY: No, sir, Poughkeepsie, not Pixieland. KOJAK: (Yells.) I don t care! (Takes deep breath and calms down.) Forget about Pooch-Poo LACEY: Not Pooch-Poo, it s - CAGNEY: (Trying to get LACEY S attention.) Huh hum! (Runs her finger across throat to signal stop.) LACEY: (Worried.) You were saying, sir? KOJAK: (Glares at HER, then continues.) Forget about everything else. I regrettably have a new assignment for you. LACEY: You can count on us, sir. Just tell us what it is; we re here for you. We live for danger. KOJAK: (Pauses with a look of disbelief, then to CAGNEY.) If you don t put a muzzle on Pooch-Pooch, you ll both be school crossing guards before you leave here.

9 - 9 - CAGNEY: (Pulls LACEY aside and whispers loudly.) Shut up! (To KOJAK.) Please continue, sir. KOJAK: When I say regrettably have a new assignment for you two I do mean regrettably. But because we re shorthanded on detectives I have no choice. You are aware of the big diamond heist two weeks ago? LACEY: Yes, we CAGNEY: (Covers LACEY S mouth with hand.) Yes, sir, we are, but I thought that was Starsky and Hutch s case. KOJAK: It is. Are you also aware we have an eyewitness? CAGNEY: Yes. KOJAK: Well, that witness just verified it was Lucky Lucy and Minnie the Mouth. We ve been trying to nab those two for years, but could never get anyone to come forward and testify, until now. LACEY: It s no wonder. Lucky Lucy is ruthless and Minnie the Mouth is a sociopath. CAGNEY: Don t forget Minnie is also a hit woman and germa-phobic. LACEY: A hit woman whose only fear is germs go figure. CAGNEY: They won t be so tough when Starsky and Hutch pick them up. KOJAK: That s the problem: they re on the lam and word on the street is they re after our star witness. CAGNEY: And you want us to join the hunt and bring this evil plague upon our city to an end. LACEY: Oh, I m so there. Bring them on. When we re done with them they ll be called Luckless Lucy and Minnie the Mouse. KOJAK: Yeah, no. CAGNEY: Sir? KOJAK: You re not joining the hunt. I m not that crazy. You re to take the witness and her family to a safe house and stay with them until the real detectives get the bad guys. CAGNEY: (Disappointed.) We re babysitters? KOJAK: Call it what you want, just do it. LACEY: (Disappointed.) There won t be any danger?

10 KOJAK: There s a reason we call it a safe house, dummy. And if for any reason there is trouble, I expect that family to be protected at all costs. Got it? CAGNEY: Got it. KOJAK: Oh, and one more thing. The family is, well well, they re weird. CAGNEY: How so, sir? Do you mean like hippie weird or reality TV show weird? KOJAK: I don t know just weird. They have this skin condition that doesn t allow them exposure to the sun and they re all pasty looking. CAGNEY: That is unusual, sir, but I wouldn t call it weird. KOJAK: Yeah, well, wait until you meet them. There s the mother, who is the witness, along with her husband and three children. One more thing they are objecting to our protection, but we gave them no choice. They seem to think they can protect themselves. LACEY: Civilians, when will they ever learn? Don t worry, sir, we got this one. KOJAK: Please don t remind me. Now get down to the third floor and take our guests to their new home. And don t you two dare screw this up or you ll be cleaning up after Poochie Do-Do in the parks. CAGNEY: Yes, sir, understood, sir. (Starts to exit then stops.) Sir, what is their name? KOJAK: They re the Bytes Barnabas and Elvira Bytes. (LIGHTS down.) End of Scene

11 Scene 2 (AT RISE: Later that evening in the shabby neighborhood of the safe house. Stage curtains are closed as CAGNEY and LACEY enter arguing, not realizing the Bytes aren t with them.) CAGNEY: I have seniority and I say you will take first watch. LACEY: You re always pulling the seniority card. CAGNEY: Because that is how it works. So, therefore, you will take the first twelve-hour watch. LACEY: (Talking to herself.) I don t want to do nights. CAGNEY: What? LACEY: I said I don t want to do nights. CAGNEY: Since when? Any other time you practically insist on it. LACEY: Yeah, well, the other times I wasn t watching the Bytes. (Whispers.) They give me the creeps. CAGNEY: Why are you whispering? LACEY: I don t want the Bytes to hear. (Looks around, then gets a look of panic.) Where are they? CAGNEY: They re right (Looks around.) Holy crap, we lost the Bytes. What did you do with them? LACEY: Me, aren t you the one with seniority? CAGNEY: Oh, that s low. LACEY: No, that s the way it works. CAGNEY: Yeah, well, if we don t find them we ll both be out of work for good! LACEY: (Starts yelling.) Bytes! Where are you creepy people? CAGNEY: Be quiet! NEIGHBOR S VOICE: (Hollering from offstage.) Hey! Shut up out there or I ll call the cops! LACEY: (Yelling.) We are the cops, so you shut up! (Aside.) Huh, civilians. (Sees CAGNEY with arms folded staring at her.) What? CAGNEY: What part of safe house and being secretive don t you understand?

12 LACEY: Yeah, well, what difference does it make, cause we ain t got no Bytes to be secret about. CAGNEY: We are in such deep (The Bytes family enters. BARNABAS is with ELVIRA casually strolling; JASON, carrying suitcases, sniffs the TWO POLICE; RAVEN waves at them; and SCARLETT, holding a scary-looking doll which she uses for voodoo, gives them a look of disgust. All are pale-looking except for Jason.) BARNABAS: This way, everyone. There are our protectors. CAGNEY: (Rushes over, relieved.) Please stay close, we re here to protect you. BARNABAS: As I told your lieutenant, protection isn t necessary. LACEY: (Tries to act tough and professional.) We re the professionals, sir, let us do our job. SCARLETT: Real professional losing us in the first hour. ELVIRA: Now, Scarlett, mind your manners. CAGNEY: Scarlett, what a beautiful name. (Speaks like talking to a child.) I bet you re named after Scarlett from Gone with the Wind. SCARLETT: (Mocks CAGNEY.) No, after red, the color of blood. BARNABAS: (Worried about their identity.) Scarlett, enough with the jokes. LACEY: Where did you people wander off? We didn t even notice you leaving. SCARLETT: That s obvious. BARNABAS: (Quickly.) We went for a stroll. ELVIRA: Yes, it s such a beautiful dark, moonlit night we couldn t resist. Wouldn t you agree I m sorry what are your names again? LACEY: (Looking at her strangely.) Lacey and she s Cagney. ELVIRA: Yes, of course. Well, wouldn t you agree, Detective Lacey, that the moon is big and beautiful tonight? LACEY: I guess.

13 JASON: (Always scratching as if he has fleas.) A full moon would be better. RAVEN: (Chastising.) Jason! JASON: (Firm.) It s Jacob! RAVEN: Jason, don t start. Mother? ELVIRA: Children. (Looking to BARNABAS for help.) Barnabas? BARNABAS: (Clears throat.) Uh, Detective Cagney, where is this safe house we are to be lavished with during our forced stay? CAGNEY: (Points up to stage.) The house is over there, sir. (Pause as FAMILY looks stunned.) ELVIRA: Oh, my. RAVEN: Father, no. BARNABAS: Stay calm, Raven. I m sure there s been a mistake. LACEY: No, there ain t no mistake. JASON: (Loudly.) I ain t staying in that matchbox dump! CAGNEY: I assure you it s fine. NEIGHBOR S VOICE: (Hollering from offstage.) Shut up out there. I m trying to watch the Wheel of Fortune over here! LACEY: (Hollering.) You shut up or I ll arrest your sorry CAGNEY: Thank you, Lacey, I ll take it from here. Mr. Bytes, please I m sure the accommodations are more than satisfactory. Please follow me. BARNABAS: Well, I see no harm looking inside. Family, follow the detectives. LACEY: And stay close, no more strolls. CAGNEY: This way, folks. (CAGNEY starts to lead THEM away as SCARLETT yanks a hair from the back of LACEY S head.) LACEY: (Yelps.) Ouch! (Turns and looks at SCARLETT.) SCARLETT: What are you looking at? LACEY: (Confused.) Nothing. (Starts to walk away.)

14 (SCARLETT wraps hair around doll and then pulls hairpin from it and sticks it into leg of doll. LACEY yelps and jumps, then turns to Scarlett who is too far away to have done it.) CAGNEY: What s the problem? LACEY: Nothing, nothing. (Continues to walk, looking over her shoulder.) CAGNEY: Almost there, folks. RAVEN: This is fun. ELVIRA: Yes, and a bit exciting. JASON: I feel like on a hunt. SCARLETT: You re all so weird. (ALL exit. Before curtains open SCARLETT goes out SL entrance and waits for cue to give the illusion of vampire speed.) LACEY: (Yells out in pain.) Alright, who did that? CAGNEY: Lacey, shut up! NEIGHBOR S VOICE: (From offstage.) Why don t you all shut up! LACEY: What was that? BARNABAS: (Trying to hide the fact that SCARLETT just rushed by.) What was what? CAGNEY: I felt it it was a strong breeze. BARNABAS: Elvira, did you feel anything? ELVIRA: Nope, nothing. Kids? KIDS: No. CAGNEY: Everyone calm down, I ll turn the lights on. (CURTAINS open revealing a shabby combination living and dining room. The three entrances are covered with ugly different-patterned curtains.) CAGNEY: (Enters.) Here we go, folks! (Sees how bad it is and changes tone.) Home sweet home. (The OTHERS look around in dismay.)

15 SCARLETT: (Enters from SL entrance.) This place is a dump. LACEY: (Confused as how SCARLETT got from behind her to end up in another room.) How did you...? You were just How d you do that? ELVIRA: (Giving SCARLETT a look of displeasure.) Scarlett can be very fast at times. LACEY: Fast, what is she, a blur? SCARLETT: One could say that. CAGNEY: (Unsure of what just happened.) You folks make yourselves at home, Lacey and I will check the other rooms. Lacey, you check the bedrooms (SL.) and I ll check the kitchen. (US.) LACEY: You got it. (As THEY exit to different areas SCARLETT stabs pin in the doll s leg.) LACEY: (Yells in pain, falls down and comically rolls on floor ad-libbing her discomfort.) My leg! My leg! Pain! Pain! Burn! Burn! CAGNEY: (Rushes over.) What s the matter with you? LACEY: My leg it s (SCARLETT removes pin.) CAGNEY: It s what? LACEY: (Dumfounded, then relieved and embarrassed.) It s, it s a charley horse. I ll be fine, leave me be. (Gets up and exits quickly walking backwards.) CAGNEY: Sorry about that, folks, I ll be right back. (Exits.) ELVIRA: What a strange little person that Lacey is. SCARLETT: No, what is strange is living in this dump with those two watching over us. I have half a mind to drain them both dry. BARNABAS: (Sits at table.) You ll do no such thing, young lady. That is not our way anymore, and you know it. And I ll say this one more time: we must act normal at all times. SCARLETT: Thanks a lot, Mother.

16 ELVIRA: (Stands behind BARNABAS.) What was I to do, just ignore a robbery? SCARLETT: Duh! Yeah! ELVIRA: That is not how we are. BARNABAS: Your mother is right. I said we must be upright citizens in every way. JASON: (Goes to table.) You weren t there, Father. Being upright is one thing, but to see a jewelry heist and proceed to yell and I quote, Oh! Oh! A robbery! A robbery! Everyone look over there. The robbers are right there! Who does that? ELVIRA: I was caught up in the moment. SCARLETT: Did you have to tell the police you saw everything? ELVIRA: It was my duty. SCARLETT: Was it your duty to pick out two photos of the worst criminals? BARNABAS: Enough! Quit picking on your mother. What s done is done, and we will see it through and then quickly disappear. JASON: (Sits down at table.) Great, and meanwhile we re stuck in this dump with the two dummies. RAVEN: I think Detective Cagney is nice. SCARLETT: Raven, can you just once act like an abnormal human being? ELVIRA: Scarlett, leave your sister be; she can t help being nice. JASON: (Stands and is overly dramatic.) The same way I can t help what I am. SCARLETT: Oh, brother, here we go. JASON: As I stand here now I can feel the approaching full moon and the cravings that pull me to it. SCARLETT: Someone throw Fido a bone. ELVIRA: Jason. JASON: It s Jacob, my name is Jacob. ELVIRA: (Pushes JACOB down into chair.) No, dear, it s Jason, it has always been Jason. RAVEN: I warned you those vampire movies would have a bad effect.

17 JASON: (Stands.) What would you know? You didn t feel their pain. BARNABAS: And neither did you, Son. It was only a movie. JASON: Then why am I a normal color and the rest of you are pasty-looking, all pale and tragic? ELVIRA: (Pushes HIM back into chair.) We don t know, it s just nature s way. SCARLETT: More like freak of nature. ELVIRA: Scarlett, please! Jason, regardless of your skin pigment, you still have the family fangs and desire for blood. BARNABAS: We re not like that anymore, dear. ELVIRA: Of course not, dear. JASON: Really, then why do I turn into a SCARLETT: We know, we know, a werewolf. Father, the boy needs some serious adjustment. BARNABAS: Son, for the last time you re not a werewolf, you are a vampire. JASON: (Upset.) Not anymore! (Stands and howls loudly.) RAVEN: (Sarcastic.) Thank you, Hollywood. (The FAMILY tries to quiet HIM as CAGNEY and LACEY rush in. Lacey has gun drawn and trips.) CAGNEY: (Worried and frantic.) What s the matter, what s wrong? LACEY: (Comically tries to get up.) Where are they? Who wants some of this? CAGNEY: (Yells at LACEY.) Are you nuts? Put that away, you re going to shoot someone! LACEY: But didn t you hear it someone was screaming in agony. BARNABAS: I can explain. No one is in agony. I m afraid my son was practicing his wolf howl. LACEY: Wolf howl? BARNABAS: Yes, you see he s a ah um RAVEN: He s into the whole wildlife refuge thing and this month it s save a wolf. CAGNEY: But why the howling?

18 JASON: (Dead serious.) Because I feel their pain. LACEY: (Aside to CAGNEY.) Left-wing liberals I told you they were weird. CAGNEY: Good for you, son, but could you refrain from howling? We re trying to stay under the radar. BARNABAS: Understood, Detective. It won t happen again, right, Jason? JASON: I ll try, but it s not easy controlling one s inner beast. LACEY: Maybe a shock collar would help. (JASON growls at LACEY.) BARNABAS: Jason! What now, Detective? CAGNEY: Please, everyone have a seat. (THEY show their reluctance to sit on the dirty old furniture.) SCARLETT: Before we go any further, Inspector Clouseau, what s with the shabby digs? Were you going for the fleabag slum look? LACEY: If you re looking for fleas, you won t find any here. JASON: (Scratching.) Not to worry, I brought my own. LACEY: What and why are you always scratching? ELVIRA: He has a skin condition. JASON: I have fleas. CAGNEY: What? RAVEN: Ignore him, he s crazy. BARNABAS: Getting back to the subject at hand why are we hiding in such deplorable conditions? CAGNEY: Okay, I agree this isn t the Hilton, but it s not our fault. ELVIRA: If I may ask, whose fault is it? CAGNEY: We ve had cutbacks because the government can t agree on anything. ELVIRA: Say no more. BARNABAS: We should have known sorry. CAGNEY: Look, I know the place is a dump, but we have to deal with it and it is for your safety. JASON: We re quite capable of protecting ourselves.

19 LACEY: Listen, kid, you re going up against Lucky Lucy and Minnie the Mouth, two ruthless criminals who will stop at nothing to shut your mother up. BARNABAS: (Making a joke.) That ll be a first. (FAMILY laughs.) CAGNEY: I think you people would be wise to take this more seriously. BARNABAS: (Trying to stop laughing.) I m sorry, Detective, please continue. CAGNEY: Let me tell you about two of the city s most dangerous and ruthless criminals. (LIGHTS go down on stage as ALL freeze in place as if they are listening to Cagney. LIGHTS up downstage or below stage as LUCY and MINNIE enter, casing the safe house from a distance. Minnie wears white cotton gloves, a jacket or blazer with pockets in which she carries a gun, a can of spray disinfectant, and a package of hand wipes. Whenever touched Minnie always sprays or wipes the area. Lucy is always rough with Minnie.) MINNIE: (Revolted by how dirty the area is.) This place is disgusting. (Covers her mouth.) LUCY: Deal with it. MINNIE: Thank you, I will. (Takes out can and sprays garbage.) LUCY: You re a sicko you know that? MINNIE: Not if I can help it. (Sprays some more.) LUCY: (Hits MINNIE in the shoulder.) Over there is the safe house. MINNIE: You sure? (Sprays a little on her own shoulder.) LUCY: Yes, my sources don t dare be wrong. MINNIE: Cause I don t wanna whack some schmuck eatin dinner off a snack tray watching Wheel of Fortune like I almost did. LUCY: (Grabs MINNIE.) That was one person, one time. What are the odds? (Shoves MINNIE.)

20 MINNIE: (Sprays.) I hope not it s a waste of a good whack. (As she is saying that she is looking around and kicks a garbage can.) LUCY: Shh! Be quiet! We re here to case the joint, not storm it. MINNIE: (Feelings are hurt.) You don t have to be so mean. LUCY: What? MINNIE: You re being mean. I don t like it when you re mean. LUCY: (Can t believe it.) Really? MINNIE: Even us whackers have feelings, you know. LUCY: (Exhales loudly and gives up.) Fine, great, I m sorry. MINNIE: And? LUCY: (Reluctantly.) And you re not an idiot happy? MINNIE: (Pause then big smile.) Okay. Now hurry up and case the joint. I m in a whackin mood. You want I should whack everyone or just the broad? Either way it s okay, cause like I said, I m in a whacking mood. Yep, whacky, whacky, whacky, whacky woo. LUCY: Listen to me, you whacky, whacky woo weirdo, we ain t whacking anyone! MINNIE: What, but why? If them coppers get us before we whack the broad, we ll be the whackees not the whackers. LUCY: (Looks at her strangely.) Somewhere in that little mind that probably made sense, but right now we do as I say, got it? MINNIE: (Sad.) Got it At least I almost got to whack Mr. Dinner-Eatin, Wheel-Watchin Guy. LUCY: What part of no whacking don t you understand? (MINNIE puts head down and looks sad.) Look, I have other plans for the broad. The last thing we need is to be seen whacking witnesses in a safe house. MINNIE: Then how are we LUCY: (Grabs MINNIE by the shoulders and speaks as if talking to a child.) Listen, do you trust me? MINNIE: Yes.

21 (MINNIE goes to spray and LUCY quickly grabs the can from her. Then Minnie takes out a hand wipe and cleans her shoulders. Lucy watches in disgust.) LUCY: Have I ever been wrong? MINNIE: Well LUCY: Okay, okay the man eating on a dinner tray watching the Wheel. Geez, one time does not make me a bad guy. (Shoves MINNIE.) MINNIE: Sorry. (Wipes.) LUCY: Just trust me. I promise there ll be plenty of whacking in your future. MINNIE: You re just saying that to shut me up. LUCY: (Losing patience SHE pulls hand back to hit MINNIE, then stops.) I d like to shut you up, you Look, I said there would be whacking so there will be whacking. MINNIE: Promise? LUCY: I promise. Now come on, I ll buy you an ice cream. MINNIE: Chocolate? LUCY: Yes. MINNIE: And a soda? LUCY: Yes. MINNIE: And French fries and a burger? LUCY: (Running out of patience.) If it ll shut your mouth, yes! (LUCY shoves MINNIE. They exit. LIGHTS up on stage.) CAGNEY: And if we can get those two, we ll have taken a big bite out of crime in this city. SCARLETT: I like the sound that, a big bite. ELVIRA: Scarlett. Continue, Detective. CAGNEY: Look, I m sorry you have to go through this, but with any luck it won t be long. RAVEN: If you re watching us, who is looking for the bad guys? LACEY: Two of the city s finest are on the job, and if Starsky and Hutch can t do it, no one can.

22 SCARLETT: (Goes between CAGNEY and LACEY and uses air quotes.) Wait a second did you say Starsky and Hutch? LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: And you are Cagney and Lacey? LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: And your boss is Lieutenant Kojak? LACEY: Yes. SCARLETT: (Pauses, looks around.) Anyone? Anything?... Yes? No? (ALL look at her and ad-lib their confusion.) SCARLETT: (Cont d.) Nothing? (Exasperated, exhales loudly, throws arms up and sits.) CAGNEY: I realize getting time off from work is hard, and pulling the kids out of school is tough on them. ELVIRA: Not at all. My husband owns his own business and the children are home schooled. LACEY: (Defensive.) What, our schools aren t good enough for you? ELVIRA: No, no, that s not it. In fact I m well aware of your fine schools. BARNABAS: Yes, being one of the top schools in the country is quite an achievement. ELVIRA: And I m told your schools have the finest, most attractive teachers in the state, and its principals are the best there are. BARNABAS: And don t get me started on how clean and well-maintained your buildings are. In fact, your custodial staff should win some kind of an award. LACEY: Then what s the problem? SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) We don t play well with others. ELVIRA: She s joking. The real reason is our aversion to sunlight. CAGNEY: That s right. (Looks at notebook.) You have something called (Has trouble pronouncing it.) Congenital erythropoietic porphyria.

23 BARNABAS: We call it CSP. We can never be in direct sunlight. LACEY: Man, that sucks. SCARLETT: (Smiling.) Yes, it does. BARNABAS: That s why we live in Freeport, because of its perpetual cloudiness. JASON: (Stands.) One might say it s like living in a perpetual (Says with passion.) twilight. ELVIRA: (Quickly shoves HIM down.) Thank you, Jason, we get the picture. CAGNEY: Mr. Bytes, what exactly is your business? BARNABAS: I have a meat-packing plant. LACEY: Sweet, I bet you eat noting but the best steaks. ELVIRA: You have no idea. RAVEN: They are the reddest, juiciest steaks around. SCARLETT: If you like chewing on dead meat. LACEY: Let me guess, you re a vegetarian? SCARLETT: No, just picky. CAGNEY: Why don t we let you folks get settled. I ll be in the house next door and Lacey will take first shift here with you. BARNABAS: Wait, did you say Lacey will be here with us? CAGNEY: Yes, then I ll relieve her in twelve hours. (The BYTES stand and loudly ad-lib their objections.) LACEY: (Hollers.) What s the matter? I ain t got cooties! BARNABAS: No, of course not; however, the problem is we want JASON: No, demand! BARNABAS: Thank you, Jason. JASON: Jacob. (ELVIRA pushes JASON into seat.) BARNABAS: What Jason says is correct we demand our privacy. CAGNEY: I m sorry, that s impossible.

24 BARNABAS: And I m sorry, but that s non-negotiable or we leave. SCARLETT: And we take MUMMY with us. RAVEN: Ergo, no mummy, no witness, no conviction. CAGNEY: (Pauses.) Fine, I ll have unmarked cars outside Lacey and I will be in the house next door, but I insist on our occasional presence here with you. BARNABAS: Only if you re gone by nine every night. CAGNEY: Done, but you don t go out without an escort, and Mrs. Bytes doesn t leave for any reason. BARNABAS: We ll see. Now, if you ll excuse us, we would like our privacy. CAGNEY: Okay, but we re only ten feet away, and if we hear or see anything, we ll be here in a flash. All the doors and windows are secure, and under no circumstance do you answer the door unless it s us. Oh, and one more thing because I have to ask what s with the cape? RAVEN: Father is old school. ELVIRA: I find it dashing like it was in the old days figuratively speaking of course. BARNABAS: Why, thank you, darling. (Forgets who he s talking to and reminisces about the old days.) You see, Detective, there was a time when my cape would flow through the capitals of Europe, and Elvira and I would dance the night away in its castles and dungeons. (HE pauses and looks up as if remembering. CAGNEY and LACEY look at each other, confused.) ELVIRA: (Quickly tries to cover up.) Figuratively speaking of course, right, dear? BARNABAS: Huh? (Realizes.) Oh, right, right, figuratively speaking. I mean, I would have to be hundreds of years old to have done that, and that, well, that s just silly. Ha, ha. SCARLETT: Enough with the goodbyes and days of yore. I would like my privacy. CAGNEY: (Staring dumfounded at BARNABAS.) Yes, of course. Come on, Lacey.

25 LACEY: (To SCARLETT.) You ve got a bad attitude, you know that? SCARLETT: And you ve got bad breath. (CAGNEY and LACEY turn to exit. Lacey makes a gesture to SCARLETT that she will be watching. Scarlett smiles, waves, and when Lacey s back is to her she pulls back on leg of doll causing Lacey to comically trip.) CAGNEY: What is wrong with you? LACEY: (Embarrassed.) Nothing, nothing. (THEY exit SR.) ELVIRA: I saw that, Scarlett. SCARLETT: Whatever do you mean, Mother? ELVIRA: You and that voodoo doll of yours. We are vampires, not island voodoo doers. SCARLETT: I m only trying to grow. When we, or should I say, you decided we were to change our vampire ways, did you or did you not say change would be good for us? BARNABAS: She s got you there, dear. ELVIRA: (Scolding.) Barnabas! BARNABAS: I mean, Scarlett, we agreed to change in positive ways, not the dark arts. If you get caught doing that we could be in for trouble. JASON: Father, you might want to remember that next time you decide to take a trip down memory lane castles, and dungeons. BARNABAS: My apologies. I sometimes long for the nights of yesteryear where we danced all night and slept in our coffins by day. (Takes ELVIRA and dances her around room.) ELVIRA: Oh, Barnabas, you were such the dashing figure. And, children, no one could charm an audience like your father. JASON: It didn t hurt having the ability to hypnotize one with your stare.

26 SCARLETT: I would give anything to live those times where wine flowed like the warm blood from a soft neck. (ALL pause, smile, and daydream.) BARNABAS: Ahh, the good times. However, we live in a different time now, so who is hungry? ELVIRA: I believe we all could use a good bite, but I m thinking they did not stock this house with that which we require. BARNABAS: Good call, my dear. Who would like to go down to the plant and bring back a few dozen fresh, dripping-with-blood steaks? JASON: I, for one, could sink my fangs and claws into one. RAVEN: You don t have claws. JASON: Oh, I have them, I just choose not to flaunt them. SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) Oh, please flaunt them for us. We are dying to see these mysterious claws. JASON: Jealous? SCARLETT: Of what, claws that exist only in your demented mind? JASON: If the moon was full I would show you what we werewolves are capable of. SCARLETT: Let s see, you re capable of changing your name to Jacob and howling like a fool. Oh, and this is particularly interesting you let a movie change who you are. JASON: Think what you want, but when the full moon gets here I will shock you all. ELVIRA: That will be all. This is neither the time nor place to discuss imaginary lives. JASON: Mother! ELVIRA: Sweetie, why can t you accept the fangs you were born with? And do you really want to have all that hair and ripped clothes? It s not very hygienic. JASON: Mother, I can t help what I am, no more than Scarlett can help being a blood-thirsty, voodoo-doll playing psychopath.

27 (OTHERS look at SCARLETT, waiting for her response.) SCARLETT: What? The hairball speaks the truth. (RAVEN and SCARLETT make mocking gestures when ELVIRA talks to JASON.) ELVIRA: (Rubbing JASON S hair.) Whatever happened to the little boy who would drink his bottle and blow blood bubbles? Remember how for the longest time your one fang was longer than the other and you would spend hours pulling on the short one with a pair of pliers? You were so adorable. JASON: I m sorry, Mother, those days are over. I now have fangs, hair, and claws. RAVEN: Can we stop the stroll down memory lane and get something to eat? BARNABAS: You re right, sweetie. Now who is going to make the meat run? SCARLETT: I ll go. BARNABAS: I d rather you didn t. SCARLETT: Oh I get it - it s because of the last time. Well, I promise no more blood bank stops along the way. RAVEN: That s disgusting. I tried it once and the taste of the plastic bag was with me for a week. JASON: I ll go. I could use some fresh air. BARNABAS: Good, and no stops at blood banks or the movies. JASON: But Breaking Dawn BARNABAS: No. ELVIRA: And remember - act normal at all times. SCARLETT: (Mocking.) Yes, Jason, remember we are a changed people, so normal is the norm now. No more causing fear and chaos, and whatever you do don t bite anyone. Oh, how I hate my life. RAVEN: I like the change, normal could be fun. SCARLETT: Raven, if you had your way we would cook our meat, have a tan, and wear false teeth. RAVEN: At least I don t play with dolls and raid blood banks.

28 SCARLETT: Oh, that really hurt. Well, you know what I m tired of living with - Miss Goody Two-Shoes and Chewbacca. (Chaos ensues as the TWO start arguing loudly and JASON starts howling.) RAVEN: I hate you! SCARLETT: I hate you! JASON: I hate all of you! (Continues howling.) RAVEN: Mother! ELVIRA: Scarlett, that s enough! BARNABAS: Jason, please! Scarlett, quit picking on your sister! SCARLETT: I don t see why I have to change! ELVIRA: Because the times are changing! Jason, please! SCARLETT: I don t want to change. I like biting necks! Jason, stop it! (CAGNEY AND LACEY rush in with guns drawn.) LACEY: Freeze! (The FAMILY comically raises their arms.) CAGNEY: Get down! (The FAMILY comically falls to ground. CAGNEY and LACEY stand there with guns drawn, looking around confused, then down at the Bytes. JASON howls softly as if he were asking a question.) (LIGHTS down.) END OF ACT

29 ACT II Scene 1 (AT RISE: One week later. LACEY is sitting at the table in safe house reading a newspaper. SCARLETT, carrying her voodoo doll, enters from SL and sits on couch.) SCARLETT: (Sarcastic.) You re still here? LACEY: That you can be sure of, sister, and it s only been a week, so get used to it. SCARLETT: The only sure things are life and taxes. And it seems like an eternity, not a week. LACEY: Hey, wise guy it s death and taxes, not life and taxes. Huh, kids. SCARLETT: Not in my world. Huh, cops. LACEY: Why do you always have to be a wisecracker? SCARLETT: I don t know. Why do you always have to be so stupid? LACEY: Hey, at least I m not a teenager who plays with dolls. (SCARLETT pretends to cry into doll and LACEY feels bad.) LACEY: (Cont d.) Hey, kid, I m sorry. I didn t mean anything by it. SCARLETT: (Crying.) No one knows what this doll means to me. LACEY: C mon, don t cry. Look, a lot of people have strange little habits. SCARLETT: You re just saying that. LACEY: No, everyone has their little quirks; it s natural. SCARLETT: Do you? LACEY: Well SCARLETT: I knew it! You just said that to make me feel better. LACEY: No, no, look (Goes to SCARLETT.) If I tell you something, will you keep it just between us? SCARLETT: I swear on the head of my doll.

30 LACEY: Okay, no one knows, but I have a Lord of the Rings collection and I play with them all the time. SCARLETT: Really? LACEY: Yeah, really. I play with the action figures all the time. So you see, it s alright. SCARLETT: But no one knows how terrible it is to live with people like my parents. LACEY: What do you mean? SCARLETT: I I can t say. LACEY: Sure you can, I m a cop. SCARLETT: No, no, it s too bad. LACEY: (Concerned.) Are they mistreating you, is that it? SCARLETT: They, they No, no, it s not right for me to say. LACEY: Kid, I m a cop what can I do to help? SCARLETT: You really want to know? LACEY: (Excited.) Yes, what can I do? SCARLETT: (Changes demeanor.) You can stop being so gullible. Geez, what a dolt. LACEY: (Beat. She can t believe she fell for that.) Real cute, kid, you re a real piece of work. (BARNABAS enters CS carrying a plate of raw steak and goes to table. He is wearing sweatpants, funny tee shirt, and cape.) BARNABAS: Hey, Lacey, what s up? LACEY: (Goes to table and sits.) Just getting to know what makes Scarlett tick. BARNABAS: Good luck with that. LACEY: Oh, I think I ve figured it out. (Looks at plate.) Is that a piece of raw meat? BARNABAS: I m sorry, can I get you some? LACEY: (Speaks quickly.) No, no, no thanks. You don t cook your meat? SCARLETT: What are we, barbarians? BARNABAS: Now, Scarlett. No, Lacey we prefer how should I say? SCARLETT: The right way?

31 BARNABAS: It s not for everyone, dear. No, we prefer the all-natural way - red, warm, and juicy. SCARLETT: (Enjoys taunting LACEY.) Yeah, we like the taste of red, warm juices running down our chins. LACEY: I think I m going to be sick. BARNABAS: Like I said, it s not for everyone. (ELVIRA enters CS from the kitchen wearing a blood-stained apron.) ELVIRA: I m making dinner steak, anyone? (LACEY gags.) SCARLETT: Make mine extra juicy. (Smiles at LACEY.) (LACEY S cell phone rings.) LACEY: (Answers.) Yeah? (Worried.) What?... No, I didn t know she was gone. I got it! I got it! (Hangs up, draws gun and goes by door SR.) Everyone get down! BARNABAS: What? LACEY: Everyone get down! We have a situation! SCARLETT: Oh, brother. BARNABAS: (Says as matter-of-fact.) Do as Lacy says, everyone down. (THEY hide behind furniture.) (RAVEN enters with CANDY who is wearing a track suit.) RAVEN: Come on in, Candy. (When CANDY enters LACEY comically pounces on her forcing her to the floor. Chaos ensues.) LACEY: (Loudly.) Police! On the floor! Hands behind your head! CANDY: (Screams and yells.) What s going on? What are you doing? RAVEN: Lacey, stop it! LACEY: Who are you? What do you want? RAVEN: She s my friend! Mother, Father, please!

32 (CAGNEY rushes in.) CAGNEY: Everyone, calm down. Lacey, put the gun away. (Helps CANDY up.) Alright, miss who are you and what are you doing here? RAVEN: Would someone listen to me? She s my friend! LACEY: What? You re not allowed to have friends. CAGNEY: Lacey, quiet. What do you mean she s your friend? RAVEN: This is Candy and we met at the gym. CANDY: (Frightened.) It s true, I didn t do anything wrong. ELVIRA: You went to a gym? RAVEN: Yes, hello, change, normal etc.? (JASON enters SL.) JASON: What s all the commotion? (Sees CANDY, stops with a jolt, immediately attracted to her. He runs hands through his hair and tries to act suave.) Well, hello there. (Howls.) ELVIRA: Jason, please. JASON: It s Jacob. (Gets down on one knee, takes CANDY S hand and licks it.) And you would be? CANDY: (Slowly pulls hand away in disgust and wipes it on her pants.) Ewww! SCARLETT: She would be the one getting sick. CAGNEY: Pack away the teenage thoughts, son. Now s not the time. (To RAVEN.) Miss Byte, what do you mean you went to the gym? You re not allowed out. RAVEN: I was bored. LACEY: How did you get out? I was here the whole time. SCARLETT: Someone sucks at their job. CAGNEY: Yes, how are you people getting out, and what part of staying in don t you understand? One minute we see you outside by the door and the next second you re gone. What, are you invisible? SCARLETT: If only. ELVIRA: (Trying to change the subject.) Enough with the questions. Can t you see the poor girl (CANDY) is upset.

33 ELVIRA: (Cont d.) Here, dear, come over here and have a seat. (THEY go to couch.) My apologies. I m Elvira, Raven s mother, and this is her father, Barnabas. BARNABAS: Hello, my dear. ELVIRA: And this is Scarlett, Raven s sister. SCARLETT: (Goes to CANDY.) Hi. (Takes strand of hair from CANDY S shirt.) What lovely hair you have. ELVIRA: Scarlett? CANDY: (Confused and afraid.) Thank you. ELVIRA: You ve already met her brother, Jason. JASON: (Hovering behind CANDY.) Enchanté. SCARLETT: Gag me with a wooden stake. ELVIRA: And these two overly protective ladies are police friends of the family. They must have taken you for an intruder. CAGNEY: (Frustrated.) I give up. (Sits at table.) ELVIRA: So, you met Raven at the gym of all places? CANDY: Yes, I m there every day. Raven and I started talking and I offered her a ride home. RAVEN: Candy believes our bodies are our temples. JASON: Howl wonderful. (RAVEN slaps JASON S arm.) CANDY: (Looking fearfully at JASON.) I believe people should worship their bodies. JASON: Oh, I do, I do. RAVEN: (Hits JASON.) She doesn t eat or drink anything that isn t good for her. CANDY: I refuse to taint my blood with garbage. SCARLETT: (Licks her lips and leans closer to CANDY S neck.) This just keeping getting better. Go on. CANDY: My doctor tells me I have the purest blood he s ever seen. In fact he gave it a new name, A+++++ positive. (FAMILY gasps.) SCARLETT: (Jumps up, frustrated.) Oh, come on! RAVEN: Ignore them, Candy, they re just jealous of your pure blood.

34 (FAMILY shoots HER a worried look.) RAVEN: I mean considering our pigmentation problems because of a blood disorder. BARNABAS: It s who we are, dear there is no shame in it. JASON: (Flirting.) If you haven t noticed, mon chérie, I have no such affliction. SCARLETT: No, you re just a jackass. (JASON growls at SCARLETT.) CANDY: I m sorry, I didn t mean to cause such a commotion. LACEY: This is considered normal around here. CAGNEY: You re not helping. ELVIRA: Candy, we were just about to eat perhaps you would like to join us? LACEY: (Finds it amusing.) Ha! I don t think Miss Pure Blood would find your menu appealing. CAGNEY: And just how would you know that? (LACEY whispers to CAGNEY about the raw meat.) Really? LACEY: Yes, it s disgusting. SCARLETT: Hey, Lord of the Rings, we re standing right here. CANDY: Thank you for the offer, Mrs. Byte, but I follow a strict diet and I can t stay long. However, I would like to use the little girls room. RAVEN: Sure, c mon, I ll show you. (CANDY and RAVEN exit SL.) ELVIRA: Candy seems to be a very nice young lady. BARNABAS: Indeed. SCARLETT: A bit uppity for me, but comes with I mean, comes from good blood, no doubt. JASON: I think I will call her Bella. ELVIRA: I think not, dear. LACEY: I don t trust her. SCARLETT: Is that what your detective senses tell you, or is it your elfin instincts talking? LACEY: Go play with your doll. CAGNEY: Nice or not, she can t come back it s too dangerous.

35 SCARLETT: I m one Byte who wouldn t mind learning more about her pure blood. ELVIRA: Scarlett, that will be enough. SCARLETT: (Teasing.) Mother, I thought perhaps it may help our condition. I have a feeling it would certainly help mine. JASON: I m sure it s something you would sink your teeth into. SCARLETT: And you wouldn t, Furball? LACEY: What are they talking about? CAGNEY: I think they mean their CSP skin condition. SCARLETT: (Mocking.) Can t get one over on you, Detective. CAGNEY: Folks, listen. I mean it, the girl can t come back and she cannot find out why. SCARLETT: Great! Perhaps our one chance to get some pure blood for our condition and we are denied. JASON: Bella is certainly pure, I ll say that. LACEY: Bella? I thought her name was Candy. BARNABAS: (Giving KIDS a stern look.) You have my word, Detective, neither Raven nor any of us will ever see her again. SCARLETT: Father, that is so mean you re going to break dear sweet Raven s heart. JASON: (Sarcastic.) Your compassion is so touching. SCARLETT: And you wouldn t like to see Bella again? JASON: Father, it s your Raven, think how devastated she ll be. LACEY: I m sorry, Son, but they ll be no Candy for you. SCARLETT: Father, are you really going to let them take Candy from you, baby? BARNABAS: I m sorry, Scarlett, but SCARLETT: (Trying to lure BARNABAS with pure blood.) You mean to tell me you wouldn t want a sweet, pureblooded young girl like Candy around you I mean Raven? BARNABAS: (Pauses, dazed by the thought.) Well, maybe ELVIRA: (Bringing HIM back to reality.) Barnabas! BARNABAS: What?

36 ELVIRA: Our changing ways, remember? BARNABAS: Right, right. I m sorry, children, they ll be no Candy for the family. SCARLETT: (Aside to JASON.) They can t blame us for trying. LACEY: (Aside to CAGNEY.) What are they talking about? CAGNEY: I have no idea. RAVEN: (ENTERS with CANDY.) Yeah, tomorrow s good. CANDY: Great, we ll get that blood flowing clean and pure and pumping like a machine. (JASON howls.) SCARLETT: Why me? BARNABAS: What about tomorrow, dear? RAVEN: I m going to meet Candy at the gym. BARNABAS: I m afraid that s not possible. RAVEN: Why not? (Looks at CAGNEY.) Is it because ELVIRA: It s because we ve decided to go on vacation. RAVEN: (Upset.) I, I (Goes to CAGNEY.) I hate you! (Exits SL crying.) ELVIRA: I apologize, Candy. Raven can be a bit dramatic. CANDY: (Confused.) No, no, that s alright. I ll stop by in a week or so. BARNABAS: I m afraid we ll be away for some time. I ll have her get in touch with you. CANDY: (Still confused.) Okay, then I guess I should leave. It was nice meeting all of you. (Aside.) I think. SCARLETT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. (Places hair around doll s neck.) JASON: I bid you adieu, Bella. (Kneels, takes CANDY S hand and licks it.) CANDY: Please don t do that. ELVIRA: Come, dear, I ll show you out. CANDY: Thank you. Goodbye, all. (SCARLETT pulls on doll s leg and CANDY trips and falls.)