Confidence FOR 2ND EDITION

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3 Confidence FOR DUMmIES 2ND EDITION

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5 Confidence FOR DUMmIES 2ND EDITION by Kate Burton and Brinley Platts A John Wiley and Sons, Ltd, Publication

6 Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd The Atrium Southern Gate Chichester West Sussex PO19 8SQ England Copyright 2012 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex, England Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise, except under the terms of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd, Saffron House, 6-10 Kirby Street, London EC1N 8TS, UK, without the permission in writing of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, England, or ed to permreq@wiley. co.uk, or faxed to (44) Trademarks: Wiley, the Wiley logo, For Dummies, the Dummies Man logo, A Reference for the Rest of Us!, The Dummies Way, Dummies Daily, The Fun and Easy Way, Dummies.com, Making Everything Easier, and related trade dress are trademarks or registered trademarks of John Wiley & Sons, Inc., and/or its affiliates in the United States and other countries, and may not be used without written permission. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners. John Wiley & Sons, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. LIMIT OF LIABILITY/DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY: THE PUBLISHER AND THE AUTHOR MAKE NO REPRESENTATIONS OR WARRANTIES WITH RESPECT TO THE ACCURACY OR COMPLETENESS OF THE CONTENTS OF THIS WORK AND SPECIFICALLY DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION WARRANTIES OF FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. NO WARRANTY MAY BE CREATED OR EXTENDED BY SALES OR PROMOTIONAL MATERIALS. THE ADVICE AND STRATEGIES CONTAINED HEREIN MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERY SITUATION. THIS WORK IS SOLD WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THE PUBLISHER IS NOT ENGAGED IN RENDERING LEGAL, ACCOUNTING, OR OTHER PROFESSIONAL SERVICES. IF PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED, THE SERVICES OF A COMPETENT PROFESSIONAL PERSON SHOULD BE SOUGHT. NEITHER THE PUBLISHER NOR THE AUTHOR SHALL BE LIABLE FOR DAMAGES ARISING HEREFROM. THE FACT THAT AN ORGANIZATION OR WEBSITE IS REFERRED TO IN THIS WORK AS A CITATION AND/OR A POTENTIAL SOURCE OF FURTHER INFORMATION DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE AUTHOR OR THE PUBLISHER ENDORSES THE INFORMATION THE ORGANIZATION OR WEBSITE MAY PROVIDE OR RECOMMENDATIONS IT MAY MAKE. FURTHER, READERS SHOULD BE AWARE THAT INTERNET WEBSITES LISTED IN THIS WORK MAY HAVE CHANGED OR DISAPPEARED BETWEEN WHEN THIS WORK WAS WRITTEN AND WHEN IT IS READ. For general information on our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at , outside the U.S. at , or fax For technical support, please visit Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-ondemand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at For more information about Wiley products, visit British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data: A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN (pbk); ISBN (ebk); ISBN (ebk); ISBN (ebk) Printed and bound in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall

7 About the Authors Kate Burton (see is an international Neuro-linguistc Programming master coach who challenges individuals and organisations to create lives that are sustainable and fun. Her business career began in corporate advertising and marketing with Hewlett-Packard. Now, she works with leaders and managers across industries and cultures to enable them to work at their best. Kate loves to deliver custom-built coaching programmes that support people to boost their communication skills, motivation, self-awareness, and confidence. She believes that people all have unique talents, abilities, and core values; the skill is about honouring them to the full. In addition to co-authoring Neuro-linguistic Programming For Dummies, Neuro-linguistic Programming Workbook For Dummies, and Confidence For Dummies, Kate is the author of Live Life, Love Work (published by Capstone, a John Wiley & Sons imprint). Her latest addition to the For Dummies personal development range is Coaching with NLP For Dummies. Brinley N. Platts is a leading executive coach, researcher, and consultant to FTSE 100 companies. He is one of the UK s leading authorities on CIO and IT executive careers and works with international companies on the integration of senior executive life and career goals. He is a behavioural scientist by training, and his passion is to enable large organisations to become places where ordinary decent people can grow and express their talents freely to the benefit of all stakeholders. He is a cofounder of the Bring YourSELF to Work campaign, which aims to release the pent-up talent and passion of today s global workforce to create the better world we all desire and want our children to inherit.

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9 Authors Acknowledgements From Kate: The seeds for this book were sown long ago, so I d like to acknowledge my teachers who got me curious about this elusive concept of confidence and Margaret who asked the powerful question I wanted to answer: So where do you keep your confidence? Writing another book is like having another baby. It seems like a great idea until you are giving birth and then a joy when it s safely delivered. My special thanks go to my writing partner Brinley who adopted this concept with me. To all my family and friends I appreciate your continual love and support. Bob you re a star. To my clients, colleagues and coaches, thank you for the stories, inspiration and support. To Dan, Kathleen, Sam, and Jason plus all at Wiley, thank you for your cool, calm confidence over the hurdles. Now it s over to you the reader to make this book really work for you. Please take the baby now and run with it! From Brinley: After a long and relatively conventional business career it is an amazing thing to reconnect with the passions and drivers of my youth and find them all as fresh as they were in the 1970s and bursting for their opportunity to be fully expressed in the world. This has been my experience over the last 4 5 years and I am grateful to everyone who has played a part in my awakening. My mission now is to be an awakener to anyone who feels there should be the opportunity for a full and rich life that integrates home and work and which doesn t cost the earth. My special thanks go to Kate for this opportunity to work with her, the Wiley publishing team, and to my wife Nicola, mother of our two young children. I also want to acknowledge my older children Loretta and Oliver for their wonderful inspiration and love over the last 20 years, and my parents who raised me to think for myself. I encourage you, the reader, to take on your work in the world with a renewed confidence and sense of purpose. The world is changing and it needs to change further and faster. With your commitment we can make it happen.

10 Publisher s Acknowledgements We re proud of this book; please send us your comments at custhelp.com. For other comments, please contact our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at , outside the U.S. at , or fax Some of the people who helped bring this book to market include the following: Acquisitions, Editorial, and Vertical Websites Project Editor: Steven Edwards (Previous Edition: Daniel Mersey) Commissioning Editor: Kerry Laundon Assistant Editor: Ben Kemble Development Editor: Charlie Wilson Proofreader: Kim Vernon Production Manager: Daniel Mersey Publisher: David Palmer Cover Photos: istock / Sean Nel Cartoons: Rich Tennant ( Composition Services Project Coordinator: Kristie Rees Layout and Graphics: Melanee Habig Proofreaders: Lauren Mandelbaum, Dwight Ramsey Indexer: Sharon Shock Publishing and Editorial for Consumer Dummies Kathleen Nebenhaus, Vice President and Executive Publisher Kristin Ferguson-Wagstaffe, Product Development Director Ensley Eikenburg, Associate Publisher, Travel Kelly Regan, Editorial Director, Travel Publishing for Technology Dummies Andy Cummings, Vice President and Publisher Composition Services Debbie Stailey, Director of Composition Services

11 Contents at a Glance Introduction... 1 Part I: Considering the Basics... 7 Chapter 1: Assessing Your Confidence... 9 Chapter 2: Identifying Your Sticking Points Chapter 3: Charting Your Course Ahead Part II: Gathering the Elements Chapter 4: Finding Your Motivation Chapter 5: Sticking to Your Principles Chapter 6: Making Friends with Your Emotions Chapter 7: Unleashing Your Passion Part III: Building Your Confident Self Chapter 8: Moving Beyond Perfection Chapter 9: Stretching Yourself Mentally Chapter 10: Developing Your Physical Confidence Chapter 11: Raising Your Voice Chapter 12: Getting the Result You Want Part IV: Engaging Other People Chapter 13: Demonstrating Confidence in the Workplace Chapter 14: Approaching Romantic Relationships with Confidence Chapter 15: Connecting Confidently via Social Media Part V: The Part of Tens Chapter 16: Ten Great Questions to Spur You into Action Chapter 17: Ten Daily Habits to Raise Your Confidence Index

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13 Contents Introduction... 1 About This Book... 1 Conventions Used in This Book... 2 What You re Not to Read... 2 Foolish Assumptions... 3 How This Book Is Organised... 4 Part I: Considering the Basics... 4 Part II: Gathering the Elements... 4 Part III: Building Your Confident Self... 4 Part IV: Engaging Other People... 5 Part V: The Part of Tens... 5 Icons Used in This Book... 5 Where to Go from Here... 6 Part I: Considering the Basics... 7 Chapter 1: Assessing Your Confidence... 9 Defining Confidence What it is in practice How it feels Determining Where You Stand Now Looking at indicators of confidence Finding your place on the scale Recognising Your Strengths Celebrating your own talents first Gathering feedback Picturing the Life You d Like to Lead Paying attention to what matters Uncovering your confidence Preparing for Action Setting your intentions Acknowledging the perils and perks of change Chapter 2: Identifying Your Sticking Points Digging Down to Root Issues Forgetting the blame mind-set Rewriting your role in your family Benefiting from your life experiences... 34

14 xii Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition Cleaning Out the Negatives Tackling unhelpful assumptions Staying busy but not overwhelmed Redirecting those inner voices Discovering What Drains Your Batteries Counting the cost of toleration Trying to meet everyone s needs except your own...42 Chapter 3: Charting Your Course Ahead Knowing Where You Want to Go Determining your areas of focus Mapping your own journey Choosing Role Models Finding reliable guides Becoming your own coach Becoming the hero in your own life Part II: Gathering the Elements Chapter 4: Finding Your Motivation Driving Forward in Your Life Rising through Maslow s hierarchy of needs Greeting the world with grace Taking Charge at Work Looking at usable theory Recognising the importance of achievement Going for the next promotion Chapter 5: Sticking to Your Principles Understanding Your Values Discovering your values Uncovering your ends values Resolving values conflicts Living Your Values Every Day Focusing on what s important Sprinkling your values through your day Reviewing your day Living Authentically Developing your identity Facing up to your demons Chapter 6: Making Friends with Your Emotions Getting a Grip on Your Emotions Accessing your emotional intelligence Pitting rational thought against emotion... 89

15 Table of Contents xiii Connecting creativity and confidence Finding courage to voice your emotions Tracking Your Moods Staying in touch with your mood patterns Becoming more aware of your natural state Trusting Your Intuition Tuning in to the gifts of intuition Listening to your inner self Harnessing Your Darker Emotions Turning your anger into energy Letting go of unhelpful emotions Allowing yourself to forgive and move on Chapter 7: Unleashing Your Passion Discovering Your Passionate Self Becoming more passionate Exploring your neurological levels with Robert Dilts Tapping into your natural passion Realising your dreams Putting Your Passion into Action Starting your journey Using your passion to lead Part III: Building Your Confident Self Chapter 8: Moving Beyond Perfection Letting Go of Unreal Expectations Admitting that you can t be perfect (and that you don t want to be) Focusing on perfection distracts you from excellence Being Generous to Yourself First Acknowledging your successes Accepting help and delegating Overcoming Procrastination Breaking the gridlock Biting off smaller chunks Taking Time Off For You Slowing down Adopting the 80/20 principle Generating Realistic Standards of Behaviour Adjusting your goals to the circumstances Staying positive while keeping it real Increasing your flexibility

16 xiv Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition Chapter 9: Stretching Yourself Mentally Expanding Your Comfort Zone Understanding the limits of your zone Stretching your boundaries: Expanding your zone Driving Safely in the Fast Lane Creating a haven for yourself Preparing for the future Chapter 10: Developing Your Physical Confidence Connecting Your Mind and Body Considering What Makes You Healthy Releasing stress, staying healthy Following the golden rules for a healthy diet Believing in your health Looking Forward to Your Healthy Future Self Chapter 11: Raising Your Voice Speaking Out with Confidence Listening to yourself Breathing to improve your speaking Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say Holding onto your integrity Having difficult conversations Recognising that the Message Is More than Words Visiting the natural school Acting out the theatrical school Finding your authentic approach Chapter 12: Getting the Result You Want Shaking Off Fear Understanding your physiological response Managing fear by observing earlier breakthroughs Naming and Focusing on Your Target for Confident Action Visualising that you achieve your goal Turning the dream into reality Making Your Why Bigger Considering what achieving the goal means Adding up the cost of failing Considering the Impact of Your Dream Checking in with your values Changing and challenging Following the Six-Step Guaranteed Success Formula Step 1: Decide on your objective Step 2: Create your plan

17 Table of Contents xv Step 3: Put your plan into action Step 4: Notice what happens as a result Step 5: Change your approach Step 6: Repeat the cycle until you achieve your result Part IV: Engaging Other People Chapter 13: Demonstrating Confidence in the Workplace Developing Confidence in Your Professional Life Realising that your job isn t you Defining your professional identity Uncovering what you want to do Finding value in what you do Becoming Assertive Showing Confidence in Specific Work Situations Demonstrating power and presence in meetings Shining during presentations Rejecting manipulation and bullying Managing Your Boss Dealing with feedback Getting your boss to keep his promises Telling your boss he s wrong Casting Off Your Cloak of Invisibility Dealing Confidently with Corporate Change Getting through rejection Taming the threat of redundancy Chapter 14: Approaching Romantic Relationships with Confidence Relating with Romance Checking in on cultural notions of romance Choosing your own view of romance Realising What Really Matters Looking at Relationships with Open Eyes Making that first move Fulfilling your partner s needs without running dry yourself Getting by with some help from your friends Eliciting Your Love Strategy Facing Relationship Changes Making decisions Redesigning the way you are together

18 xvi Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition Chapter 15: Connecting Confidently via Social Media Harnessing the Collective Power Working out what the attraction is Using the most popular services Getting to Grips with the Basics When You re a Newbie Getting stuck in Taking your time to get comfortable with social media Getting help to engage Benefitting From a Social Media Strategy Forming your basic approach Considering your online privacy Considering your online security Generating a professional social media strategy Connecting Yourself to the Bigger Network Part V: The Part of Tens Chapter 16: Ten Great Questions to Spur You into Action How Does Your Inner Voice Speak to You? Are You Proud of Your Name? Who Do You Hang Out With? What s Your Confident Thought for the Day? Where Are the Tensions in Your Life? What s Your Sticking Point? Who Are You Going to Be When You Grow Up? How Do You Experience Failures and Mistakes? How Do You Balance Time Alone and Time with Others? What s Your 120 Per Cent Dream? Chapter 17: Ten Daily Habits to Raise Your Confidence Start Each Day Alert and Ready for Action Concentrate Your Mind on the Page Put Your Best Sunglasses On Track Your Moods and Emotions Exercise Your Body Take Quiet Moments Alone Go Outside and Wonder at the Beauty of the Sky Operate from a Position of Generosity Review Today and Create Your Tomorrow Connect with Your Life Purpose Index

19 Introduction Confidence is one of those odd things in life that turn out to be surprisingly difficult to tie down (beauty and quality belong to this strange, subjective group too). You may think that you know what it is, and you may feel certain that you can recognise it when you see it, but you may struggle to define exactly what it is. Confidence is an everyday experience, something you have quite often, except on those all-important occasions when it seems to leave you and you could really use more of it whatever it is. Whether you re a mature business person or a school leaver, confidence has this annoying habit of disappearing unexpectedly. Yet when you really need to dig deep, you find you have amazing internal strength to draw on from your toughest life experiences. In this newly updated second edition of Confidence For Dummies, you can clear up the confusion around confidence, and particularly what you may refer to as self-confidence. You dispel a lot of the mystique around how you can develop and build your self-confidence; perhaps to an extent you feared would never be possible for you. We ve designed every chapter of this book to help you understand: where your personal confidence comes from, how you can generate an incredibly powerful type of confidence in your life on demand, and how you can do it more reliably with less stress. You will make the fastest progress by immediately putting what you discover into action, by trying out the advice and exercises as you go along, and thereby achieving the deep and lasting personal confidence you were born to enjoy. Are you up for this? Let s go. About This Book Type the word confidence into an Internet search engine and you can expect over 50 million hits. That s a lot of published material about something so natural. Those hits are also an

20 2 Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition indication of the breadth of the subject so, as you want to get straight to the heart of your confidence, we have been selective in Confidence For Dummies. The task ahead of you is to build your confidence so that you can be more powerful, more engaging, and more at ease in every aspect of your life. These areas include your work and your private life (friends and family, romance, community, and so on). We steer clear of more complex explorations of personal development, except where they translate into immediate practical guidance. You should be able to dip into this book for practical and rapid support on such everyday confidence problems as: Preparing for an important presentation or job interview. Asking the man or woman of your dreams to marry you. Picking up the phone to make that difficult call to an important new customer. Asking for the order, if you re in sales. Picking yourself up quickly and appropriately after any setback. Connecting online with the wider world through tweets and blogs. Conventions Used in This Book To help you navigate through this book, we set up a few conventions: Italics are used for emphasis and to highlight new words or defined terms. Bold faced text indicates the key concept in a list. Monofont is used for web and addresses. What You re Not to Read Confidence For Dummies is primarily an action guide to building your confidence. In many places, this requires us to set

21 Introduction 3 the context you need to grasp the situation. In other places, we include material useful for your full understanding, but not essential for you to be able to take the action and get the benefit. Much as we want you to take all of it on board in time, we make it easy for you to identify those parts that you can leave for later. When you re short of time, or when you just want to stick with the essentials, you can skip over these sections: The text in the sidebars: The shaded boxes that appear here and there share personal stories and anecdotes, but they re not integral to your taking action, and you can safely skip reading them if you re not interested. The stuff on the copyright page: You ll find nothing here of value unless you re looking for legal notices and reprint information. If you are, then this is the place to look. Foolish Assumptions We make a few other assumptions about you. We assume that you re a normal human being who wants to be happy and confident. You re probably interested in becoming more effective in various parts of your life and in becoming more comfortable when you face demanding situations and people. Although you re probably already acting confidently in many areas, you may lack the power and skills to perform the way you want to in some others. This book is for you if you want to: Grow in the areas where you currently feel stuck. Become better at your job and get acknowledged for it. Feel less anxious and stressed about things you have to do. Step up to become a powerful leader in your work or community. Feel confident that no matter what life throws at you, you can find a way to deal with it.

22 4 Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition How This Book Is Organised The book is divided into five main sections, with each of these sections broken into chapters. The table of contents gives you details on each chapter. Part I: Considering the Basics In this part, we explain exactly what we mean by confidence and how it feels. You can evaluate how much confidence you have currently. You discover how to spot where your confidence is waxing or waning, in what areas of your life you need more confidence right now, and what is keeping you stuck. Armed with all this insight, you can create your personal programme for the new super-confident version of you that you want to present to the world. Part II: Gathering the Elements Everyone would like to be more confident on occasion, but to take action, whether at work or socially, when you re feeling anything but confident, requires motivation. In this part, you re invited to connect with your main drivers in life, gain a better understanding of your deepest values, and leverage this information to get what you want. You venture into the sometimes messy world of emotions and mood swings including the extremes of ecstasy, anger, and despair. This part guides you to safe connection with your personal motivation. Part III: Building Your Confident Self In this part, you pull up your most confident self and reconnect with how you do it. You let go of perfectionism in pursuit of effectiveness, let go of unreal expectations to enjoy your experiences. You find out how to extend your comfort zone and become relaxed and focused in achieving whatever you want. You forge a link between your mind and body and

23 Introduction 5 realise that taking better care of yourself helps you maintain your self-confidence. You also discover how to project your confident self out into the world through your powerful voice. Best of all, you discover the Guaranteed Success Formula as a fool-proof approach for getting the results you really want. Part IV: Engaging Other People In this part of your journey to confidence, you get tips on putting your increased personal power to use at work and in your private life. You use what you know about building confidence to ensure that your approach to romantic relationships is successful, and you find out how to take the plunge into social media to form a powerful, confident online presence. Part V: The Part of Tens When you want a quick fix of inspiration to spur you into action or a reminder of what is important every day, you can find it here. The familiar Part of Tens gives you straight-talking confidence-boosting advice in bite-sized chunks. Icons Used in This Book Within each chapter you find the following icons pointing you to particular types of information that you may find immediately useful. Here is an explanation of what each icon stands for: This icon brings your attention to a personal story you may find inspiring or useful. The bull s-eye highlights practical advice you can use to boost your confidence immediately. This icon indicates an exercise you can use to broaden your understanding of yourself and your own confidence issues. Information to take note of and keep in mind as you apply your boosted confidence in the world is indicated with the finger and string.

24 6 Confidence For Dummies, 2nd Edition Text next to the Warning icon urges you to take special care of yourself in dealing with specific issues. This icon does what it says and gives you a clear definition of terms that may not be familiar to you. Where to Go from Here Although all the material in this book is relevant to developing your most confident version of yourself, you don t have to read it cover to cover over any set period. You benefit most if you address first those sections that are most relevant to the areas of your life where you feel the need for more selfconfidence most keenly. For example, if you re feeling nervous about changes happening at work, or going to a party, say, go first to the chapters that deal with this; feel free to dip in where you need guidance and support right now. After you read the book and are keen to take your levels of confidence and achievement to even higher levels, we recommend more personalised forms of development training and coaching. Take a look at the further guidance and resources we recommend at

25 Part I Considering the Basics

26 In this part... From understanding what confidence is and how it feels to tackling unhelpful assumptions you make about yourself, the chapters in this part help you lay the foundations for your new, confident self. Armed with all kinds of insights into what you want for yourself, savour these chapters to design your own journey and set the milestones along the way.

27 Chapter 1 Assessing Your Confidence In This Chapter Identifying the key ingredients of confidence Rating yourself on the confidence indicators Celebrating your good points Visualising the super-confident new you Getting started on changing Welcome to the start of your confidence-building programme. It s great to have you on board for what we promise will be a wonderful and transformational journey. With confidence comes more fun, freedom, and opportunities to do what really works for you. In this chapter, we lay the foundations for our travels together, starting with some definitions of confidence and a practical, nuts-and-bolts assessment of where you are today. Here you start flexing your confidence muscles and we know from experience that you re already in a much more confident shape than you may give yourself credit for. You can also celebrate what you re already good at and imagine the new superconfident you on the horizon as your confidence-building work progresses. Then, it s about getting tooled up ready for action. After all, what s the point of hiding your talents when there s so much important work to be done in this world?

28 10 Part I: Considering the Basics Defining Confidence When asked to think what confidence means, most people have a feel for it but find it quite difficult to tie down precisely. After all, confidence is not some miracle pill or wonder food you can buy in a shop. Before you dive into this book on how to be more confident, we invite you to explore the definition of confidence. A good dictionary provides at least three definitions for confidence, and you need to understand each aspect as it is easy to muddle them: Self-assuredness: This definition relates to your confidence in your ability to perform to a certain standard. Belief in the ability of other people: This definition focuses on how you expect others to behave in a trustworthy or competent way. Keeping certain information secret or restricted to a few people: This definition concerns the idea of keeping a confidence. We ve found that an even better definition exists. One that s more useful to you in everyday life. One that s true no matter how tough a situation you face, or how comfortable you feel about it. Our definition: At its heart, confidence is the ability to take appropriate and effective action in any situation, however challenging it appears to you or others. Confidence is not about feeling good inside, although it s a bonus if you do. What it is in practice Now, how does confidence show up in daily life? Well, have you ever started something perhaps an exercise session or presentation at work even though you didn t feel like doing it at that moment, only to find that when you got going, you started to feel okay about it and even glad you tackled it? This kind of shift in how you experience a situation gives you

29 Chapter 1: Assessing Your Confidence 11 a taste of what confidence is in practice. It is your ability to reach beyond how you re feeling in the moment in order to take action that leads to the outcome you want. Anish is an accountant turned management consultant who has travelled the world on international assignments for large corporations. Now running his own partnership, he leads complex projects and presents a calm, rational, and focused image in business meetings. When deadlines are pressing and tempers rise in project teams, he is the one who patiently exudes confidence that delivery can and will happen on time. How does he do this under pressure? I experience the situation as a series of hoops that I just need to get through like a tunnel, he says. Sometimes there will just be two or three. At other times, as many as twenty in a row. I can feel as anxious inside about what needs to be done as the next person, but I experience it as a sequence to go through patiently one by one, and it gets easier as I see the light beckoning at the end. Approaching challenges with confidence in Anish s style brings clear benefits. For example: You believe that it is possible to tackle and achieve things that others consider difficult. You inspire others around you and stop them panicking. You break down a large project into smaller parts that you can tackle one by one. How it feels Don t worry about whether you feel comfortable performing a challenging activity or are fully relaxed about the action you re taking. Confident people are okay with the feeling of not knowing all the answers. Phew, what a relief. Confidence is just the feeling that it ll be okay. The sense of feeling confident inside comes with increased practice and familiarity with what you do. You can also create it from your life experiences and bring it out when you need it. Doing so doesn t mean that you won t ever feel scared. You will, but the good news is that you can live with the fear.

30 12 Part I: Considering the Basics Here are some ways that you can recognise confidence in yourself: You feel poised and balanced. You re breathing easily. You re moving towards a goal or action with a sense of purpose. You re being proactive rather than defensive. You know that you can deal with whatever life throws at you, even if you can t control it. You can laugh at yourself. You know everything will be alright in the end, however long it takes. So, we re going to support you as you find your inner confidence to take the first step to wherever you want to go, however scary or difficult it seems just now. Determining Where You Stand Now Any measure of confidence is, by its nature, subjective. Other people may form an opinion about how confident you are based on your outside appearance and actions, and only you can know for sure what you feel like on the inside what you believe to be true, and what it s like to be you. In this section, we invite you to make your own assessment of where your confidence level is today. Your confidence level is different according to the time and place. If you think back ten years to a younger you, you probably realise that your confidence has grown since then according to the experiences you ve faced, knowing that you ve lived to tell the tale. How confident you feel differs in various situations, and may well fluctuate from day to day and week to week according to what s happening at work and at home. There may be areas where you ve taken a risk, or suffered a loss, for example, and your confidence has dropped.