Good luck with your revision, and please contact the school with any questions.

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Gordon Walker
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1 Dear Sindi, I am returning this submission to give you an opportunity to revise. First, you must address your issues at the sentence level. You have severe and recurring sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and wording issues that make it very difficult to read and understand your writing. I would strongly suggest that after your revise your content and before you resubmit this assignment to be graded, you should make an appointment with a Smartthinking tutor for assistance with your sentence-level writing. Please visit this link for more information on what Smartthinking tutoring is, what services they offer, and how to make an appointment: Second, you need to revise your content (and, in some places, your formatting) to meet the focus and full length requirements for each entry. Please see my marginal comments for each entry for specific guidance on how to revise. Good luck with your revision, and please contact the school with any questions. Instructor English Department Penn Foster June 17, 15 ENTRY 7: Description and Narration Prewriting Comment [WU1]: Thank you for fixing your formatting issues for the titles! Describe: Smile Laughter Trees Nature River My son My wife I am Sparrows Bridge Train Was the voice of the trees when the air come and falling leaves beautiful voice enters my mind and stay in my ear, and when the rain comes and the smell Comment [WU2]: Whose smile? Be specific / describe. Comment [WU3]: You cannot see laughter. Comment [WU4]: What kind of trees? Nature is too vague. What kind of river? For instance Tall, poplar trees with full, yellow-green leaves. The purpose of the describe section is to paint a picture with your wording. Describe each thing you see well enough that your readers will be able to see it too, even though they cannot see the picture. Comment [WU5]: Context what does this mean? Comment [WU6]: Describe.

2 of the trees after the meter and then I take the leaves taste it, touch it and I feel I m in in another world. At the bottom of the mountains the river and wonderful sweet voice, smell that emanates from within and fish out of it and then drink and taste the excellent flavor, swimming with the fish and touch it. Compare: at the bottom of mountains it was snow on it I feel it is like I was on the top of mountains ski from the top of the mountain to the river. Swimming with the fish they were fast, and I try to follow them I want to know where are they going. Narrate: the green land with the red flowers the sky is blue and a lot of clouds. The mountains are white and green the trees leaves fly with the wind. Scene :I tookake this photo in the Germany when I was on vacation with my family. Key action: Wwhen we saw the high place, we decided to take the picture. Key participants: I m who take depicted the picture I put it automaticme, my wife, and my son were in the picture; we set the camera on automatic so we could all be in the photo. Key lines of dialogue: we talked about the place my wife said wow this is what are I m talking about, and then we take a photo, and I was saying I m so happy to find this place. Feelings: we were laugh because we were happy and enjoyed our time. Comment [WU7]: First, this section needs to be in list format, so that it is clear which items you are listing under sight, sound, etc. Also, your language and grammar here have extreme issues and make it hard to read and understand your info. Comment [WU8]: I cannot understand what you are saying here. Is the comparison that being at the bottom of the mountain (whatever mountain you mean) made you feel so happy like you were on top of the mountain (on top of the world)? Comment [WU9]: Good, clear sentence that answers the question at hand. Nice. Comment [WU10]: Provide context what high place? For instance when we saw Bear Mountain, the tallest mountain in X place, we decided to take our picture next to it. Comment [WU11]: Confusing. Comment [WU12]: Shorten this and use proper grammar. For instance: Me: I m so happy we found this place. My wife: Comment [WU13]: Capitalize at the start of each sentence.

3 June 17, 15 ENTRY 8 : Description and Narration Write: Like every year, on every vacation travels to Europe or Africa. But this time, we decided to go to East Asia. Specifically to Indonesia it the magic of Asia as they say about her. When I read about Indonesia, I did not expect to be this magician beauty. When we arrived on the first day, we were very surprised the place is beautiful, and the people were friendly. My wife was in a hurry because she wants to discover the place trees and rivers surrounding each area. We were slept on the airplane, so I agreed with my wife and decided to go out. I was thinking to go to the special place, so I asked the people there, and they told me about some village out of town. We went to that location, and when we arrived we were extremely surprised or shocked. We could not believe that place here. The water was flowing from the top of the mountain and birds everywhere and roses on the outskirts of the area. The land haven rows of green and yellow sun on a bright and cheerful voices songbirds and wild animals were added to the view. I was rambled and carried my patience, and the reward my steps on Showers and between tall trees uprooted my mind. On this green plain adorned with brilliant colors like those roses panel color manipulation artist to become a landscape of great beauty. There is not the coolest view of the gardens that fill different types of flowers and roses charming colors and pools of clear water and the sounds of birds and butterflies ornate. I saw from afar those majestic mountains wears the white hats with sometimes clouds and rain at other times. We take pictures that we enjoyed in this fascinating view, and we stay until the medal of the night because we want to see the light and the stars. Moonlight Reverse his light on the beautiful river and the stars were shining. It was quiet and light wind the sky bright view of the stars. It was the best trip we went and the best view I have ever seen. If you ask me do you want to go again, I will see yes I m going there again and again. Reflect: no not everything but it is telling the most of event. The water was flowing from the top of the mountain and birds everywhere and roses on the outskirts of the place. Yes, it worth because the image tells the same Beautiful Nature. Comment [WU14]: Where is your subject? Who travels to Europe or Asia? I cannot understand your writing here. Comment [WU15]: But your previous info (in Journal 7) said you went to Germany. Your narration here needs to be about the same photo you used for Journal 7; you should use the details you brainstormed in Journal 7 to help you write your narration here. Comment [WU16]: Fused sentence, and I cannot understand this. Comment [WU17]: What? Comment [WU18]: Keep one consistent tense (past); do not switch between past and present. Comment [WU19]: Not a clear response. You seem to say no, a picture is not worth a thousand words (at the start) but then that it is, but your wording / grammar make your content unclear anyway. Comment [WU20]: Because of extreme sentence-level errors and word misuse, it is very hard to understand your meaning throughout this entry. Also, this entry needs to match up with your info from Journal 7.

4 June 17, 15 Entry 9: Comparison and Contrast Brainstorm: Who want to go play soccer today Baby when you finish your classes I will write today essay about my vacation Omar does you want to come with me today we need to go to Chicago my friends will arrive today My name is Faisal my account is my address is 4609 over hills DRIVE apt 301 I want to let you know the electricity cut and we need to know what happens. Hi, my name is FAISAL SINDI my student id I just want to know how to open the study guide for English Composition because I could not open it thanks. Hi my mother can call me now I missed you and my son missed as well Hi can you give me some information bout the car I'm so sad because my team it is just lost the game I'm going to talk today about the sport and how is important in the life My mother My instructors My friends The Consumer Energy Company Comment [WU21]: Brainstorm here the TYPES of writing you do and who you write them to, not WHAT you write. For instance: Texts family and friends Instant messages co-workers and supervisors s family, friends, co-workers, and supervisors Etc.

5 Organize: Who want to go play soccer Today my friends Baby when you finish your classes my wife I will write today essay about my vacation my collage Omar does you want to come with me today we need to go to Chicago my friends will arrive today_ Omer, my friend My name is Faisal my account is my address is 4609 over hills DRIVE apt 301 I want to let you know the electricity cut and we need to know what happens energy company Hi my name is FAISAL SINDI my student id I just want to know how to open the study guide for English Composition because I could not open it thanks student care Hi my mother can call me now I missed you and my son missed as well my mother Hi, can you give me some information bout the car client I'm so sad because my team lost the game twitter I'm going to talk today about the sport and how is important in the life essay to my instructors Comment [WU22]: In this section, take your info from above (types of writing and to whom you write them) and organize them into two categories formal and informal. Keep including who you write to in each instance. You are also missing your two paragraphs. The first paragraph should discuss what your writing style, format, length, and content are when you are writing informally (i.e. whatever types of writing and to whomever you listed in the informal area in your organize section). The second paragraph should do the same but discuss formal writing. Compare and contrast informal and formal writing.

6 June 17, 15 Entry 10: Definition Define: Plagiarism is a stolen work of someone else or someone else essay, and this thing has spread at present because there is information in the Internet the student can use it. There are laws to punish plagiarism, but in my opinion should be more efficient to student know that s Mistake does not is forgiven. I believe that meaning plagiarism is a lack of confidence if you are a writer or a scientific researcher or a poet too. As the reader, I will not trust you anymore and as students will be exposed to punishment. For me, the plagiarism meaning is copy and past the information it is not belong to you or idea for someone else. Plagiarism has a lot of meanings to been shortened take effort others. Reflect: this knowledge affected to me so be more attentive and did my work on my own. Taking the sources from the right place helps me to take the correct information. I must work more and be more effective to create my idea, not one else idea. Innovation idea and write it in my way makes me a successful writer. The trust is the most important to me as the writer to build the confidence to my audience. This knowledge lets me follow the handbook for the college and It is made me a good writer. I benefited a lot from this word (plagiarism), and I will be affected in this coursework and another course as well. Comment [WU23]: You are not answering the direct questions here. Don t focus on what you think about people who plagiarize, why people plagiarize, or what you think about the punishments for plagiarism. In this first paragraph, state what you thought plagiarism was BEFORE you read the definition in your book. Then, talk about how your definition matched up with the definition in the book. Did the definition in the book have aspects you didn t know about? Was your definition exactly the same? Comment [WU24]: But what actual steps did you take to start avoiding plagiarism since your issues with plagiarism on Journal Assignment 1? You note you now do your own work, which is one good step. But what else? What additional steps do you now take when researching, noting your research, incorporating your research into your writing, etc. And, as with all your entries here, you need to work on resolving issues at the sentence level. Otherwise, your entries will not earn passing grades because much of your potentially good ideas are obscured.

7 June 17, 15 Entry 11: Cause and Effect Brainstorm: To get ap promotion in my job To earn a Highhigher salary To gainbeneficial more knowledge in a field I enjoy To help make a better life ffor my family Improve the social situation To Iimprove my skills in writing and reading Have affected my studies at the moment made me more development of and gained the skills to write and corrected a lot of information, also developed my linguistic skills or scientific terms. In the future will give me the ambition to supplement studies. Give me the best of my career and take Promotion. The most important thing is beneficial knowledge. I give my family the same motivation to supplement the study, especially my son. Promotion in my job for high salary also it gives me beneficial knowledge. Let my family proud of me. Improve the social situation Improve my skills in writing and reading. Knowing the origin of everything, frees the minds of restrictions, open minds of illusions, manages the movement of production administers the wheel Renaissance. A- In the future will give me the ambition to supplement studies. B- Give me the best of my career and take Promotion. C- I give my family the same motivation to supplement the study, especially my son. Have affected my studies at the moment made me more development of and gained the skills to write and corrected a lot of information, also developed my linguistic skills or scientific terms education is the basis of urbanization and development, is the foundation of prosperity Nations. The Education gives us the culture of the different life. Education is the best thing a person does in his life. Comment [WU25]: Not sure what you mean by this; how would going to school make you have a better social life / situation? Comment [WU26]: Great ideas here. Just work on making all of your points parallel in structure: 3/01/ Comment [WU27]: This info should still be in list format. And also, keep in mind that you will want to talk about both good and bad short-term effects. Comment [WU28]: This is not a full / proper outline. Also, all three of the items you list (A, B, and C) are effects, so you are not showing any cause / effect relationships. It sounds like you want your thesis to be that going to school is hard but will have long-term benefits that are worth it. So, first make one paragraph that is going to school as the cause and all the short-term negative effects (that you will brainstorm). Then, have three separate paragraphs where each cause is finishing school and then the effects are the three you list here. And use an outline format from the options in your textbook (the same options you chose from for Journal Entry 4 on your Journal Assignment 1).

8 June 17, 15 Entry 12: Evaluation I have been developed in this unit, especially in the essay. I learned many new ways to write an essay. Also, I learned some essay skills that gave me excellent Opportunities in the future. I also learned how do I write the journal in the right way and simple. If I take other courses, it will be easy for me because I had the background for this methods. Each method essay benefited for me so much in the future helps me in my work for writing articles. Important for me is how to learn to write, and this thing is that I have benefited from it. In the future, I can be a professional writer or teaches writing and methods to my friends or my family or any student want help to learn this skill. In my work, I can also use these skills in write official letter to the companies and the employees or my boss. Comment [WU29]: Off focus. You need to talk here about how each of the patterns of development you ve learned so far (for example Process Analysis and Comparison and Contrast) will help you in your future career and/or schooling. For example: In my job as a Vet Tech, I will use Compare and Contrast to compare each (animal) patient s symptoms to the different possibilities of what the animal is suffering from in order to make the most likely / correct diagnosis. OR As an electrical engineering major, I will need to know Process Analysis because when I am training new people, I will need to be able to clearly explain to them the processes of the job we do.

This journal belongs to

This journal belongs to First name Last name Age Place a picture of yourself here Address E-mail Vacation start date: Who are you going on vacation with? Where are you spending your vacation? In which