The Lake Was Full of Artificial Things

Transcription

1 Vietnam Generation Volume 3 Number 1 Swords into Ploughshares: A "Home Front" Anthology Article The Lake Was Full of Artificial Things Karen Joy Fowler Follow this and additional works at: Part of the American Studies Commons Recommended Citation Fowler, Karen Joy (1990) "The Lake Was Full of Artificial Things," Vietnam Generation: Vol. 3 : No. 1, Article 13. Available at: This Article is brought to you for free and open access by La Salle University Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in Vietnam Generation by an authorized editor of La Salle University Digital Commons. For more information, please contact careyc@lasalle.edu.

2 ThE LAkE W as Full of ARTificiAl Thioiqs K aren Joy Fo w Ler D aniel w as older than M iranda had expected. In 1970, w h en th ey had said good-bye, he had been twenty-two. Tw o years later he w as dead, but now, approaching her with the bouncing w alk w hich had suited h is personality so well, he appeared as a m iddle-aged m an and quite gray, though solid and m uscular. She noted with relief that he w as sm iling. Randy! he said. He laughed delightedly. You look w onderful. M iranda glanced down at herself, wondering what, in fact, she did look like or if she had any form at all. She saw the flesh o f h er arm s firm again and the skin sm ooth and tight. So she w as the tw enty-year old. Isn t that odd, she thought, turning h er hands palm s up to exam ine them. Th en D aniel reached her. Th e sun w as bright in the sky behind him, obscuring his face, giving him a halo. H e put his arm s around her. I feel him, she thought in astonishm ent. I sm ell him. She breathed in slowly. Hello, D an iel, she said. He squeezed h er slightly, then dropped his arm s and looked around. M iranda looked outward, too. Th ey were on the college cam pus. Surely this w as not the setting she would have chosen. It unsettled her, as if she had been sent backward in tim e and gifted with prescience, but rem ained powerless to m ake any changes, w as doom ed to see it all again, m ovin g to its inevitable conclusion. D aniel, how ever, seem ed pleased. He pointed o ff to the right. T h ere s the creek, he said, and suddenly she could hear it. M em ories there, right? and she rem em bered lying beneath him on the grass by the water. She put her hands on his shoulders now; his clothes w ere rough against her palm s and m ilitary like his hair. He gestured to the round brick building behind her. T o llm a n H all, he said. Am I right? God, this is great, Randy. I rem em ber everything. Total recall. I had Physics 10 there with Dr. Fielding. Physics for non-majors. I couldn t m anage m y vectors and I g o t a B. He laughed again, throwing an arm around M iranda. It s great to be back. They began to w alk together toward the center o f cam pus, slow w alking with no destination, designed for conversation. They w ere all alone, M iranda noticed. The cam pus w as deserted, then suddenly it w asn t. Students appeared on the pathways. Long-hairs with headbands and straights with slide rules. Ju stw h at she rem em bered. T e llm e w h a t everyone s been doing, Daniel said. It s been w hat? Th irty years? D on t leave out a thing.

3 106 V ie t n a m G e n e r a t io n M iranda stooped and picked a sm all daisy out o f the grass. She twirled it absentm indedly in her fingers. It left a green stain on her thum b. D aniel stopped w alking and w aited beside her. W ell, Miranda said. I ve lost touch w ith m ost o f them. Gail got a jo b on Le Monde. She w en tto G erm any for the re-unification. I heard she w as living there. The anti-nuclear m ovem ent w as her perm anent beat. She could still be there, I suppose. So she s still a radical, said Daniel. W hat stam ina. M argaret bought a bakery in San Francisco. Sixties cuisine. W hole grains. Tofu brownies. Heaviest cookies w est o f the Rockies. W e re in the sam e cable chapter so I keep up with her better. I saw her last m arriage on TV. She s been m arried three tim es now, every one a loser. W hat about A llen? D aniel asked. A llen, repeated Miranda. W ell, A llen had a prom ising career in joggin g shoes. He w as m aking great strides. She glanced at D aniel s face. Sorry, she said. Allen always brought out the w orst in me. He lost his father in an air collision over Kennedy. Sued the airline and discovered he never had to w ork again. In short, A llen is rich. Last I heard, and this w as m aybe twenty years ago, he w as headed to the Philippines to bu y h im self a subm issive bride. She saw D aniel smile, the lines in his face deepening with his expression. Oh, you d like to blam e m e for Allen, w ouldn t you? she said. But it w ouldn t be fair. I dated him m aybe three times, tops. M iranda shook her head. Such an enthusiastic participant in the sexual revolution. A n d then it all turned to w om en s liberation on him. Poor Allen. W e can only hope his tiny w ife divorced him and w on a large settlem ent w hen you could still get alim ony. D aniel m oved closer to her and they began to w alk again, passing under the shade o f a redwood grove. The grass changed to needles under their feet. You needn t be so hard on A llen, he said. I never m inded about him. I always knew you loved m e. Did you? asked M iranda anxiously. She looked at her feet, afraid to exam ine Daniel s face. M y god, she w as w earing m occasins. Had she ever w orn m occasins? I did get m arried, D aniel, she said. I m arried a m athem atician. His nam e w as M ichael. M iranda dropped h er daisy, p etals intact. D aniel continued to walk, swinging his arm s easily. W ell, you were always hot for m athem atics. I didn t expect you to m ourn me forever. So it s all righ t? D aniel stopped, turning to face her. He w as still smiling, though it w as not quite the sm ile she expected, not quite the easy, happy smile she rem em bered. It s all right that you got m arried, Randy, he said softly. Som ething passed over his face and left it. H ey! he laughed again. I rem em ber som ething else from Physics 10. Zeno s paradox. You know w hat that is?

4 T he Lake Was Full of A rtifical T hings 107 N o, said Miranda. It s an argum ent. Zeno argued that m otion w as im possible because it required an object to pass through an infinite nu m ber of points in a finite am ount o f tim e. D aniel sw ung his arm s energetically. T h in k about it fo r a m inute, Randy. Can you fault it? Th en think about how far I cam e to be here w ith you. M iranda, M iranda. It w as her m oth er s voice, rousing her for school. O nly then it w asn t. It was Dr. M atsui w ho m erely sounded m aternal, despite the fact that she had no children o f her own and w as not yet thirty. M iranda felt her ch air returning slow ly to its upright position. A re you back?" Dr. M atsui asked. How did it go?" It w as short, M iranda told her. She pulled the taped w ires gently from her lids and opened h er eyes. Dr. M atsui w as seated beside her, reaching into M iranda s hair to detach the clips w hich touched her scalp. Perhaps w e recalled you too early, she conceded. M atthew spotted an apex so we pulled the plug. W e ju st w anted a happy ending. It w as happy, w asn t it? Yes. Dr. M atsui s hair, parted on one side and curving sm oothly under her chin, bobbed before M iranda s face. M iranda touched it briefly, then her own hair, her cheeks, and her nose. T h ey felt solid under her hand, real, but no m ore so than D aniel had been. Yes, it w as, she repeated. He w as so happy to see me. So glad to be back. But, Anna, he w as so real. I thought you said it w ould be like a dream. N o, Dr. M atsui told her. I said it wouldn t be. I said it w as a m em ory o f som ething that never happened and in that respect w as like a dream. I w asn t speaking to the quality o f the experience. She rolled her ch air to the m onitor and stripped the long feed-out sheet from it, tracing the curves quickly w ith one finger. M atthew, her technician, cam e to stand behind her. H e leaned over her left shoulder, pointing. T h ere, he said. Th at s Daniel. Th at s w hat I put in. Dr. M atsui returned h er chair to M iranda s side. H ere s the m ap, she said. M aybe I can explain better. M iranda tried to sit forward. One rem aining clip pulled her hair and m ade her inhale sharply. She reached up to detach herself. Sorry, said Dr. M atsui sheepishly. She held out the paper fo r M iranda to see. Th e dark w ave is the Daniel w e recorded off you r m em ories earlier. H appy m em ories, right? You can see the fainter echo here as you responded to it w ith the original m em ories. Th in k o f it as m em o iy squared. Naturally, it s going to be intense. Then, everything else here is the record o f the additional activity you brought to this particular session. Look at these sharp peaks at the beginning. Th ey indicate stress. Y ou ll see that nowhere else do they recur. O n paper it looks to have been an entirely successful session. O f course, only you know the content o f the experience. H er dark eyes were searching and sympathetic.

5 108 V ie t n a m G e n e r a t io n W ell, she said. Do you feel better about him. Y es, said Miranda. I feel better. W on derful. Dr. M atsui handed the feedback to Matthew. S tore it, sh e told him. M iranda spoke hesitatingly. I had other things I w anted to say to h im., she said. It doesn t feel resolved. I don t think the sessions ever resolve things, Dr. M atsui said, the best th ey can do is open the m ind to resolution. T h e resolution still has to be found in the real w orld. Can I see him again? M iranda asked. Dr. M atsui laced h er fingers and pressed them to h er chest. A repeat w ould be less expensive, of course, she said. Since w e ve already got Daniel. W e could ju st ru n him through again. Still, I m reluctant to advise it. I w onder w hat else we could possibly gain. Please, A n n a, said Miranda. She w as looking down at her arms, rem em bering how firm ly fleshed they had seem ed. Let s w ait and see how you re feeling after our next couple regular visits. If the old regrets persist and, m ore im portantly, if they re still interfering w ith you r ability to get on w ith things, then ask m e again. She w as standing. M iranda swung her legs over the side o f the ch air and stood, too. M atthew w alked w ith h er to the door o f the office. W e ve got a goalie com ing in next, he confided. She stepped into the goal w hile holding the ball; she w ants to rem em ber it the w ay it didn t happen. Self-indulgent if you ask me. But then, athletes m ake the m oney, right? He held the door open, his arm stretched in front of M iranda. You feel better, don t you? he asked. Y es, she reassured him. She m et D aniel for lunch at Frank Fats Cafe. T h ey ordered fried clam s and scallops, but the food never cam e. D aniel w as twenty again and lum inescent w ith youth. H is hair w as blond and his face w as sm ooth. Had he really been so beautiful? M iranda wondered. I d love a coke, he said. I haven t had one in thirty years. Y ou re kidding, said Miranda. They don t have the real thing in heaven? D aniel looked puzzled. Skip it, she told him. I w as ju st w ondering w h at it s like being dead. Y ou cou ld tell m e. It s classified, said Daniel. On a need to know basis. M iranda picked up her fork w hich w as heavy and cold. T h is tim e it s you w ho looks w onderful. Positively beatific. Last tim e you looked so she started to say old, but am ended it. A fter all, he had looked no older than she did these days. Such things w ere relative. T ired, she fin ished. No, I w asn t tired, Daniel told her. It w as the w ar. T h e w ar s over now, M iranda said and this tim e his sm ile w as decidedly unpleasant.

6 T he Lake Was Full of Artifical T hings 109 Is it? he asked. Ju st because you don t read about it in the paper now? Just because you watch the evening news and there s no body count on the screen? T elevision s not like that now, M iranda began, but D aniel hadn t stopped talking. W hat s really going on in Southeast A sia? D o you even kn ow? Daniel shook his head. W ars neverend, he said. He leaned threateningly over the table. D o you im agine for one m inute that it s over for m e?" M iranda slam m ed her fork down. D on t do that, she said. D on t try to m ake me guilty o f that, too. You didn t have to go. I begged you not to. Jesus, you knew what the w ar was. If you d gone o ff to save the w orld from com m unist aggression, I w ould have disagreed, but I could have understood. But you knew better than that. I never forgave you for going. It w as so easy for you to see w hat w as right, Daniel responded angrily. You were com pletely safe. You w om en could graduate w ithout losing you r deferm ent. You r goddam n birthday w asn t drawn twelfth in the draft lottery and if it had been you w ouldn t have cared. W hen w as you r birthday drawn? You don t even know. Daniel leaned back and looked out the window. People appeared in the street. A w om an in a red m iniskirt got into a blue car. Th en Daniel faced her again, large before Miranda. She couldn t shut him out. Go to Canada, you said. T h a t s w hat I d do. I wonder. Could you have m arried your m athem atician in Canada? I can ju s t picture you saying good-bye to you r m other forever. M y m other s dead now, said Miranda. A knot o f tears tightened about her throat. And so the hell am I." Daniel reached for her wrists, holding them too hard, hurting h er deliberately. But you re not, are you? Y ou re ju st fine. There w as a voice behind Daniel. Miranda, M iranda," it called. M other," cried Miranda. But, o f course it w asn t, it w as A nna Matsui, gripping her wrists, bringing her back. M iranda gasped for breath and Dr. M atsui let go o f her. It was awful," said Miranda. She began to cry. He accused m e... She pulled the w ired from her eyes recklessly. Tears spilled out o f them. M iranda ached all over. He accused you o f nothing. Dr. M atsui s voice w as sharp and disappointed. You accused yourself. The sam e old accusations. W e m ade D aniel out o f you, rem em ber? She rolled her ch air backward, m oved to the m onitor for the feedback. M atthew handed it to her and she read it, shaking h er head. H er short black hair flew against her cheeks. It shouldn t have happened, she said. W e used only the m em ories that m ade you happy. And with your gift for lucid dream ing well, I didn t think there w as a risk. H er face w as apologetic as she handed M iranda a tissue and waited for the crying to stop. M atthew wanted to recall you earlier, she confessed, but I didn t w ant it to end this w ay.

7 no V ie t n a m G e n e r a t io n N o! said M iranda. W e can t stop now. I n ever answered him. You only need to answer yourself. It s you r m em ory and im agination confronting you. He speaks only with you r voice, he behaves only as you expect him to. Dr. M atsui exam ined the feedback m ap again. I should n ever have agreed to a repeat. I certainly w on t send you back. She looked at M iranda and softened h er voice. Lie still. Lie still until you feel better. Like in another thirty years? asked M iranda. She closed her eyes; her head hurt from the crying and the wires. She reached up to detach one close to her ear. Everything he said to m e w as true, she added tonelessly. M any things he didn t say are bound to be true as w ell, Dr. M atsui pointed out. Th erapy is not really concerned w ith truth w hich is alm ost alw ays m erely a m atter of perspective. Therapy is concerned w ith adjustm ent adjustm ent to an unchangeable situation or to a changing tru th. She lifted a pen from her collar, clicking the point in and out absentm indedly. In any given case, she continued, w e face a num ber o f elem ents w ithin our control and a far greater num ber beyond it. In a case such as yours, w here the patient has felt profoundly and m orbidly gu ilty over an extended period o f time, it is because she is focusing alm ost exclusively on her ow n behavior. If only I hadn t done x, she thinks, then y w ould never have happened. Do you understand w hat I m saying, M iranda? N o. In these sessions w e try to show you w hat m ight have happened if the elem ents you couldn t control were changed. In you r case w e let you experience a continued relationship with Daniel. You see that you bore him no m alice. You w ished him nothing ill. If he had com e back the bitterness o f you r last m eeting w ould have been unim portant. He asked m e to m a n y him, said Miranda. He asked me to w ait for him. I told you that. And I said that I w as already seeing Allen. Allen! I said as far as I w as concerned he w as already gone. You w ish you could change that, o f course. B ut w hat you really w ant to change is his death and that w as beyond you r control. Dr. M atsui s face w as sw eet and intense. M iranda sh ook her head. You re not listening to m e, Anna. Ito ld you w hat happened, but I lied about w h y it happened. I pretended w e had political differences. I thought m y behavior w ould be palatable if it looked like a m atter o f conscience. But really I dated A llen for the first tim e before D aniel had even been drafted. Because I knew what w as coming. I saw that his life w as about to get com plicated and messy. A n d I saw a w ay out o f it. For m e, o f course. Not for him. M iranda began to pick unhappily at the loose skin around her nails. W hat do you think o f that? she asked. W hat do you think o f m e now? W hat do you think? Dr. M atsui said and M iranda responded in disgust.

8 T he Lake Was Full of Artifical T hings I know w hat/think. I think I m sick o f talking to m yself. Is that the best you therapists can m anage? I think I ll stay hom e and talk to the m irrors. She pulled o ff the rem aining connections to her scalp and sat up. M atthew, she said. M atthew.! M atthew cam e to the side o f h er chair. He looked thin, concerned, and awkward. W hat a baby he was, really, she thought. He couldn t be m ore than twenty-five. How old are you, M atthew? she asked. Twenty-seven. Be a hell o f a tim e to die, w ouldn t it? She w atched M atthew put a nervous hand on his short brown hair and run it backward. I w ant you r opinion about something, Matthew. A hypothetical case. I m trusting you to answer honestly. M atthew glanced at Dr. Matsui w ho gestured with h erp en fo rh im to go ahead. He turned back to Miranda. W hat would you think o f a w om an w ho deserted her lover, a m an she really claim ed to love, because he got sick and she didn t want to face the unpleasantness o f it? M atthew spoke carefully. I w ould im agine that it w as m otivated b y cowardice rather than cruelty, he said. I think we should always forgive sins o f cowardice. Even our own. He stood looking at M iranda w ith his earnest, innocen t face. All right, M atthew, she said. T h a n k you. She lay back down in the chair and listened to the hum o f the idle m achines. A n n a, she said. He didn t behave as I expected. I m ean, som etim es he did and som etim es he didn t. Even the first time." T e ll m e about it, said Dr. Matsui. T h e first session he w as older than I expected. Like he hadn t died, but had continued to age along with m e. W ish fulfillm ent. Yes, but I w as surprisedby it. A nd I w as surprised by the setting. A nd he said som ething very odd right at the end. He quoted m e Z en o s paradox and it really exists, but I never heard it before. It didn t sound like som ething Daniel would say, either. It sounded m ore like m y husband, Michael. W here did it com e from? Probably from ju st where you said, Dr. M atsui told her. Michael. You don t think you rem em ber it, but obviously you did. And husbands and lovers are bound to resem ble each other, don t you think? W e often get bits o f overlap. Our parents show up one w ay or another in alm ost all our m em ories. Dr. M atsui stood. Com e in Tu esday, she said. W e ll talk some m ore. I d like to see him one m ore tim e, said Miranda. Absolutely not, Dr. M atsui answered, returning M iranda s chair to its upright position. W here are we, Daniel? M iranda asked. She couldn t see anything. Cam p Pendleton, he answered. On the beach. I used to run here m ornings. G uys w ould bring their girlfriends. Not m e, of course.

9 112 V ie t n a m G e n e r a t io n M iranda watched the landscape fill in as he spoke. Fog remained. It w as early and overcast. She heard the ocean and felt the wet, heavy air begin to curl her hair. She w as barefoot on the sand and a little cold. I m so sorry, D aniel, she said. T h at s all I ever really w anted to tell you. I loved you. I know you did. He put his arm around her. She leaned against him. I m ust look like his m other, she thought; in fact, her own son w as older th an Daniel now. She looked at him carefully. He m ust have ju st arrived at camp. The h air had been all but shaved from his head. M aybe you w ere right, anyway," D aniel told her. Maybe I ju st shouldn t have gone. I w as so angry at you b y then I didn t care anymore. I even thought about dying w ith some sense o f anticipation. Petulant, you know, like a little kid. I ll go and get killed and then she ll be sorry. A n d she w as, said Miranda. God, w as she. She turned to face him, pressed her lined cheek against his chest, sm elled his clothes. He m ust have started sm oking again. Daniel put both arm s around her. She heard a gull cry out ecstatically. But when the tim e cam e I really didn t w ant to die," D aniel s voice took on an unfam iliar edge, frightened, slightly hoarse. W hen the tim e cam e I w as w illing to do anything rather than die. He hid his face in her neck. Do you have kids? he asked. Did you and Michael ever? A son, she said. How old? A bou t six? M iranda w asn t sure how old Jerem y w as now. It changed every year. But she told him, wonderingly. O f course not, Daniel. H e s all grow n u p. He owns a pizza franchise, can you believe it? He thinks I m a bore. Because I killed a kid during the war. A kid about six years old. I figured it w as him or me. I shot him. M iranda pushed back from Daniel, trying to get a good look at his face. Th ey used kids, you know, he said. Th ey counted on us not being able to kill them. I saw this little boy com ing fo r m e w ith his hands behind his back. I told him to stop. I shouted for him to stop. I pointed m y rifle and said I w as going to kill him. bu t he kept com ing. Oh, Daniel, said Miranda. M aybe he didn t speak English. A pointed rifle is universal. He walked into the bullet. W hat was he carrying? Nothing," said Daniel. How could I know? D aniel, M iranda said. I don t believe you. You w ouldn t do that. H erw ords unsettled her even more. Not the w ay I rem em ber you, she said. This is not the w ay I rem em ber you. It s so easy for you to see w hat s right, said Daniel. I m going back, thought Miranda. W here am I really? I m ust be with Anna, but then she rem em bered that she w as not. She was in her own study. She worked to feel the study chair beneath her, the ache in her back as she curved over h er desk. H er feet dangled b y the wheels;

10 T he Lake Was Full of Artifical T hings ]]} she concentrated until she could feel them. She saw her own hand, still holding her pencil, and she put it down. Th ings seem ed very clear to her. She w alked to the bedroom and sum m oned Dr. M atsui over the console. She w aited perhaps fifteen m inutes before A n n a appeared. D aniel s the one w ith the problem, M iranda said. It s not me, after all. There is no D aniel. Dr. M atsui s voice betrayed a startled concern. Except in you r m ind and on m y tapes. A part from you, no D aniel. No. He cam e for m e again. Ju st like in our sessions. Ju st as intense. Do you understand? Not a dream, she cut o ff Dr. M atsui s protest. It w as not a dream, because I w asn t asleep. I w as w orking and then I w as w ith him. I could feel him. I could sm ell him. He told m e an absolutely horrible story about killing a child during the war. W here w ould I have gotten that? N ot the sort o f thing they send hom e in their letters to the bereaved. Th ere were a thousand ugly stories out o f Vietn am, sad Dr. M atsui. I know som e and I w asn t even b o m yet. O r ju s t barely born. R em em ber M y Lai? M iranda w atched her im age clasp its hands. You heard this story somewhere. It becam e part o f you r concept o f the war. So you put it together now w ith D aniel. Dr. M atsui s voice took on its professional patina. I d like you to com e in, Miranda. I d like to take a com plete read-out and keep you m onitored a while. M aybe overnight. I don t like the turn this is taking. A ll right, said Miranda. I don t w ant to be alone anyway. Because h e s going to com e again. No, said Dr. M atsui firm ly. H e s n ot. M iranda took the elevator to the garage and unlocked h er bicycle. She w as not frightened and wondered w hy not. She felt unhappy and uncertain, but in com plete control o f herself. She pushed out into the bike lane. W hen the helicopter appeared overhead, M iranda knew im m ediately where she was. A b a n a n a tree sketched itself in on her right. There w as a sm ell in the air w hich w as strange to her. Old diesel engines, w hich she recognized, but also som ething organic. A lushness alm ost turned to rot. In the distance the breathtaking green o f rice growing. But the dirt at h er feet w as bare. M iranda had never im agined a w ar could be so quiet. Th en she heard the chopper. A n d she heard Daniel. He w as scream ing. He stood right next to her, beside a pile o f sandbags, his rifle stretched out before him. A sm all, delicately featured child w as ju st w alking into M iranda s view, his arm s held behind him. A ll M iranda had to do w as lift her hand. No, Daniel," she said. His hands are em pty. D aniel didn t m ove. Th e w ar stopped. I killed him, R andy, said Daniel. You can t change that. M iranda looked at the boy. His eyes were dark, a streak o f dust ran all the w ay up one shoulder and onto his face. He w as barefoot. I

11 114 Vietnam Generation know, she said. I can t help him. Th e child faded and disappeared. I m trying to help you. Th e boy reappeared again, back further, at the very edge o f h er vision. He w as beautiful, unbearably young. He began to w alk to them once more. Can you help m e? D aniel asked. M iranda pressed her palm into his back. He w ore no shirt and w as slick and sweaty. I don t know, she said. W as it a crim e of cow ardice or o f cruelty? I m told you can be forgiven the one, but not the other. D aniel dropped his rifle into the dirt. Th e landscape turned slowly about them, becam e m ountainous. The air sm elled clean er and w as cold. A bird flew over them in a beautiful arc, and then it becam e a baseball and began to fall in slow m otion, and then it becam e death and she could plot its trajectory. It w as aim ed at D aniel w hose rifle had reappeared in his hands. Now, M iranda thought. She could stay and die w ith D aniel the w ay she d always believed she should. D eath m oved so slow ly in the sky. She could see it, m om ent to m om ent, descending like a series o f scarcely differentiated still frames. Look, D aniel, she said. It s Zeno s paradox in reverse. Finite points. Infinite tim e. H ow long did she have to m ake this decision? A lifetime. H er lifetim e. D aniel w ould not look up. He reached out his hand to touch her hair. Gray, she knew. H er grey under his young hand. He w as twentyfour. D on t stay, he said. Do you think I would have w anted you to? I would never have wanted that. So M iranda m oved away from his hand and found she w as glad to do so. I always loved you, she said as if it m attered. Good-bye, D aniel, but he had already looked away. Other soldiers m aterialized beside him and death grew to accom m odate them. But they w ouldn t all die. Som e w ould survive in pieces, she thought. A n d som e w ould survive whole. W ou ldn t they?