AUDITION READINGS FOR RUMPELSTILTSKIN PRIVATE EYE

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Justina Henderson
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1 AUDITION READINGS FOR RUMPELSTILTSKIN PRIVATE EYE Depending on the role you are auditioning for, you will read from the following. The reading does not have to be memorized. I will be listening for volume, inflection of voice and personality. Readings with more than one part will be read with the director, producers or others who are also auditioning. #1) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You think your town s tough? Where I come from, mothers bump off their daughters just because they re better looking and wolves eat little old ladies just because they can. That s right. I m from Fairy-Tale Land, the most dangerous patch of real estate this side of Oz. Who am I? I m Rumpelstiltskat.Rumpelstuffkin Stuffelrumpkin. Oh, to heck with it. I m a private eye. In my job, I ve got to deal with the lowest, most despicable characters in town. #2) RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That strand of hair was the break I needed. There was only one person in Fairy-Tale Land with hair that exact shade of gold Goldilocks, a two-bit hood who had the annoying habit of sneaking into people s homes and griping about their stuff. #3) UGLY DUCKLING: (dials her cell phone) Hello, Dial-A-Prince? This is Ugly Duckling. I ve got a dead princess on my hands and I need a prince pronto. (pause) $500? That s pretty steep. (pause) Yes, I realize that includes delivery, but can t he just blow her a kiss from there? (pause) No? All right. Send him over. (hangs up) #4) RUMPELSTILTSKIN and UGLY DUCKLING RUMPELSTILTSKIN: There s my sidekick now, folks. Ugly Duckling. UGLY DUCKLING: Hey, watch the name calling. You don t look so hot yourself. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Could you keep quiet for once? I m trying to tell these people my story. UGLY DUCKLING: People? What people? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Those people out there. UGLY DUCKLING: (Stares at the audience in awe) Ooooo. Do they always just sit there like that? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. Sometimes they cheer and throw money. UGLY DUCKLING: Something tells me this ain t that kind of crowd. #5) MAMA BEAR with Rumpelstiltskin MAMA BEAR: Hello. Are you Mr. Pie? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: It s not pie. It s P.I. Like in private investigator? My name is Stumpy Inkpen Rumpled Pigskin.Wrinkled Pumpkin. Fine. Just call me Mr. Pie. And your name is? MAMA BEAR: Mama Bear. I m looking for a top-notch detective. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Well, you ve come to the wrong place. How can I help? MAMA BEAR: Somebody broke into our cottage this morning. #6) PAPA BEAR with Rumpelstiltskin, Mama Bear PAPA BEAR: I m sure Mrs. Bear told you about the break-in. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Yes, and I can see what you mean. This place is a disaster. PAPA BEAR: Oh, no. Our cottage always looks like this. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I don t understand. I thought your home was burglarized. PAPA BEAR: It was, but the burglar didn t cause this mess. We just don t believe in housework. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Then what makes you think somebody broke in? MAMA BEAR: Because when we came home from our walk today, we discovered something horrible. It s so horrible I can t even bring myself to say it. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Please, Mrs. Bear, I have to know. What happened? MAMA BEAR: Somebody ate Baby Bear s porridge.

2 #7) BABY BEAR with Rumpelstiltskin, Mama & Papa Bear BABY BEAR: Waaaaah! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: (alarmed) What was that?! PAPA BEAR: Now you did it. You woke up Baby Bear. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I woke up Baby Bear? MAMA BEAR: Yes, and now he s coming downstairs. BABY BEAR: Waaaaah! RUMPELSTILTSKIN: That s Baby Bear? What do you feed him? Miracle Gro? MAMA BEAR: Oh, there s nothing wrong with him. He s just big for his age. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: LeBron James is big for his age. This kid s enormous! BABY BEAR: I want my noogie! I want my noogie! #8) GOLDILOCKS with Rumpelstiltskin and Ugly Duckling GOLDILOCKS: What do you want? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Is that the house where Goldilocks lives? GOLDILOCKS: That depends. Who wants to know? UGLY DUCKLING: We re detectives. Despite my beautiful swan like appearance, my name is Ugly Duckling. And you can call him Skin. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know, when you shorten my name, don t shorten it from the end. Shorten it from the beginning. UGLY DUCKLING: You want me to call you Rump? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: On second thought, don t shorten it at all. GOLDILOCKS: Goldilocks used to live there, but she moved. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Can you tell us where she moved to? GOLDILOCKS: What do I look like? A phone book? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No, I was thinking more like Ronald McDonald. GOLDILOCKS: Hey! So what s the big deal? It s not a crime to be a redhead, is it? UGLY DUCKLING: With that wig, maybe it should be. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: All right, out with it. Why were you wearing a disguise? Were you trying to hide from the law? GOLDILOCKS: No, I I just wanted a different hair color is all. Do you know how tired I get being called Goldilocks all the time? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Goldilocks isn t your real name? GOLDILOCKS: No, it s Melva. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: If I were you, I d stick with Goldilocks. #9) GINGERBREAD MAN GINGERBREAD MAN: Run! Run! As fast as you can! You can t catch me, I m the Gingerbread Man! GINGERBREAD MAN: Help! Help! As fast as you dare! If you don t save me, I ll be in that bear! #10) WORRIED PIG, SMART PIG & NOT SO SMART PIG WORRIED PIG: Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! This is terrible! SMART PIG: Would you stop worrying? Every day it s something else with you. NOT SO SMART PIG: Yeah, you re getting to be a real pain in the ham hocks. WORRIED PIG: I can t help it. My house was just destroyed by a wolf. SMART PIG: Your house was made of straw. A mildly hungry cow would have destroyed it. NOT SO SMART PIG: Well, my house was destroyed and it was made of sticks. SMART PIG: You know, I m not sure you guys really get this construction thing. WORRIED PIG: Oh, yeah? Then why are we hiding behind this rock? NOT SO SMART PIG: We should be hiding in your new brick house. You told us no one could ever break into that.

3 #11) BIG BAD WOLF and Rumpelstiltskin RUMPELSTILTSKIN: All right, tell me the truth. Why did you do it? BIG BAD WOLF: Why did I do what? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You know. Blow down those houses. BIG BAD WOLF: Which houses? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey, I m the detective. I ask the questions around here. BIG BAD WOLF: Around where? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Now stop that! #12) VIRGINIA WOLF with Rumpelstiltskin VIRGINIA WOLF: I didn t do it! I didn t do it, I tell you! BIG BAD WOLF: Virginia! VIRGINIA WOLF: Oh, great. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Do you two know each other? VIRGINIA WOLF: No. BIG BAD WOLF: Yes. VIRGINIA WOLF: All right, fine. We re very distant BIG BAD WOLF: Siblings. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Sounds like there s bad blood between you. VIRGINIA WOLF: Yeah, well, what do you expect? Mom always liked him best. BIG BAD WOLF: That s because you always wolfed down your dinner. VIRGINIA WOLF: Well, at least I didn t make a pig of myself. #13) LITTLE RED with Rumpelstiltskin and Ugly Duckling LITTLE RED: What did you do with Grandmother? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We didn t do anything with her. LITTLE RED: If you don t tell me where Grandmother is, I m going to hold my breath until I turn blue. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Blue is so overdone. Don t you have any other colors? UGLY DUCKLING: She s really doing it. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Don t worry. She s got to breathe some time. Little Red? Little Red? LITTLE RED: (lets out her breath) Am I blue yet? UGLY DUCKLING: No, more like a pale chartreuse. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look, kid. We re private detectives. We want to find Granny just as much as you do. LITTLE RED: You mean you haven t seen her? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. Maybe some animal ate her. LITTLE RED: Oh, dear!

4 #14) SNOW WHITE with Rumpelstiltskin and Ugly Duckling SNOW WHITE: If you really must know, it all started with my stepmother, the queen. She has this magic mirror. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A magic mirror? UGLY DUCKLING: What does it do, take ten years off your age? SNOW WHITE: No, no. The mirror talks to her you know, like, gives her beauty tips and stuff? Though why she d take advice from a mirror is beyond me. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: How does the glass slipper figure into all this? SNOW WHITE: I m getting to that. UGLY DUCKLING: Can you get to it a little quicker? I m beginning to molt. SNOW WHITE: Well, this morning, the queen asked the magic mirror who in the kingdom was fairest of all. I don t want to brag or anything, but of course the mirror said it was me. Well, that send the queen right off the deep end. She called for her huntsman and ordered him to cut out one of my internal organs. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What happened after that? LITTLE RED: I got out of there as fast as I could. I ran out of the castle and across the bride and into the woods. #15) THE DWARVES: CLUMSY, BOSSY, GLOOMY, PERKY, NERDY, HUNGRY & DROWSY CLUMSY: Ow! Ow, ow ow ow! BOSSY: What s the matter with you, Clumsy? CLUMSY: I hurt my toe, Bossy. I must have tripped over something. BOSSY: You didn t trip over something. You tripped over someone. GLOOMY: Yeah, Snow White. CLUMSY: Snow White! It s time to wake up now! Oh, Snow White! She won t wake up. GLOOMY: Maybe she s not asleep. Maybe she s dead. PERKY: What s going on, Gloomy? GLOOMY: Clumsy killed Snow White. CLUMSY: Don t be ridiculous. We don t even know if she s dead. NERDY: She does look kind of pale. CLUMSY: She s supposed to look pale, Nerdy. Her name is Snow White, remember? HUNGRY: If she s asleep, why isn t she snoring? CLUMSY: Not everyone snores when they sleep, Hungry. NERDY: Clumsy seems unusually agitated today. GLOOMY: That s very common among murderers. CLUMSY: I m not a murderer! (Drowsy snores loudly) There, do you hear that? She s snoring. She must be asleep. PERKY: I don t think that s coming from Snow White. HUNGRY: You re right, Perky. It s coming from Drowsy. BOSSY: Hey, Drowsy! Wake up! DROWSY: (wakes up) Is it Tuesday yet? BOSSY: No, it s Thursday. You slept right through Tuesday and Wednesday. DROWSY: Well, wake me up when it s Tuesday again. I m supposed to see a doctor about my insomnia. (goes back to sleep)

5 #16) PRINCE PRONTO with Perky, Nerdy, Clumsy, Bossy & Gloomy UGLY DUCKLING: (dials her cell phone) Hello, Dial-A-Prince? This is Ugly Duckling. I ve got a dead princess on my hands and I need a prince pronto. (pause) $500? That s pretty steep. (pause) Yes, I realize that includes delivery, but can t he just blow her a kiss from there? (pause) No? All right. Send him over. (hangs up) PRINCE PRONTO: (enters in a flying leap) Ta-da! PERKY: Wow! That was fast! PRINCE PRONTO: Of course, I m fast. I m Prince Pronto, just like you ordered. NERDY: I m sure you re a nice prince and everything, but what if Snow White isn t crazy about you? PRINCE PRONTO: Don t be ridiculous. No princess can resist my manly charms. CLUMSY: Oh, brother. BOSSY: Well, go ahead. Kiss her. PRINCE PRONTO: All right, everybody. Stand back. My sheer awesomeness has been known to stun people. (He kneels down and kisses Snow White) PERKY: Maybe you should kiss her again. PRINCE PRONTO: Hold on. I m just getting warmed up. (plants another kiss on Snow White but there is no reaction) GLOOMY: Did he say awesomeness or awfulness? PRINCE PRONTO: Do my lips look okay to you? BOSSY: They look like lips to me. PRINCE PRONTO: Wow. Then she must be really, really dead. #17) CINDERELLA and FAIRY GODMOTHER FAIRY GODMOTHER: All right, Cindy. Let s run through this one more time. What happened to your other shoe? CINDERELLA: I don t know, Fairy Godmother. I did just like you told me. When the clock struck twelve, I ran out of the palace, making sure to kick the slipper off my foot. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Did you see the prince take it? CINDERELLA: My foot? FAIRY GODMOTHER: No, the slipper! CINDERELLA: What would the prince want with a girl s slipper? FAIRY GODMOTHER: He doesn t want the slipper! He wants you! CINDERELLA: Well, he certainly has a funny way of showing it. FAIRY GODMOTHER: Remember our plan, Cinderella? Step one, you go to the ball. Step two, you dance with the prince until he falls in love with you. Step three, you hightail it out of there, leaving your slipper behind so the prince can find you again. CINDERELLA: How is he supposed to do that? FAIRY GODMOTHER: By placing the slipper on the foot of every maiden in the kingdom. CINDERELLA: Ewwww. FAIRY GODMOTHER: What s the matter? CINDERELLA: That s not very sanitary.

6 #18) Cinderella and her STEPMOTHER, MINERVA and STEPSISTERS, HORTENSE & PENELOPE MINERVA: Cinderella! HORTENSE: Who were you talking to? CINDERELLA: Talking? PENELOPE: Yes, we thought we heard voices. CINDERELLA: Oh, you must have heard the TV. I was watching my soap operas. MINERVA: Well, you d better hurry up with your sweeping. HORTENSE: We re expecting a very important visitor. CINDERELLA: Oh? Who? PENELOPE: Well, we don t want to say, but he s very tall and dark. HORTENSE: With great big muscles. PENELOPE: And hair all over his chest. CINDERELLA: Let me guess. King Kong? PENELOPE: No, silly. The prince. MINERVA: I invited him to lunch with two of the most beautiful women in the entire kingdom. CINDERELLA: Oh? Who else will be eating with us? HORTENSE: She s talking about us, Cinderella! PENELOPE: For someone who s supposed to be smart, you sure aren t very um, what s the word? CINDERELLA: Smart? PENELOPE: Yeah, that s it. (there is a knock at the door) MINERVA: Ooo! That must be the prince now! HORTENSE: Open the door, Cinderella! #19) FAIRY GODFATHER with Rumpelstiltskin and Cinderella CINDERELLA: Who are you? FAIRY GODFATHER: Who do you think? I m your fairy godfather. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I m glad you re here. We need your help. FAIRY GODFATHER: You want somebody bumped off? I could give them a pair of cement overshoes. CINDERELLA: Sounds uncomfortable. FAIRY GODFATHER: Believe me, you don t wear them for comfort. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Look, I don t want anybody bumped off. I just want to know who stole Cinderella s slipper. FAIRY GODFATHER: Why don t you hire a detective? RUMPELSTILTSKIN: I am a detective! FAIRY GODFATHER: Then it looks like you re out of luck. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Can t you at least give us some advice? FAIRY GODFATHER: Well, if there s one thing I ve learned in my line of business, it s this Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: We ask for advice, and you give us a fortune cookie? FAIRY GODFATHER: So I like Chinese food. So sue me. #20) GRANNY GRANNY: (Leaps out of Baby Bear s toy box, making karate chops in the air) Hi-ya! LITTLE RED: Grandmother! You re all right! GRANNY: Of course, I m all right. They don t call me Grappling Granny for nothing.

CINDERELLA The Little Glass Slipper

CINDERELLA The Little Glass Slipper Member s Names of Group: FEBRIANTI SWANDARI (09 231 050); MUH. RIMSYAH GUNARYNO (09 231 057); TAFRIATUL KHOIRIAH (09 231 060); WA ODE SALMAWATI (09 231 063); NINING