MODULE EIGHT TRANSCRIPT

Transcription

1 MODULE EIGHT TRANSCRIPT Welcome to Module Eight: Fear Junkies Video One: Fear Junkies It is now time to build your support team, but first, you need to know the folks to watch out for. What I call: Fear Junkies. Fear Junkies are those people who value safety over risk. They would rather stay hunkered down and stay right where they are than move forward into the unknown. These are people who see the world from a perspective of fear, without even knowing it. You might say they re addicted to fear, which is why I use the term Fear Junkie. These people are people who speak with caution, Be careful, and sometimes, to get you to be careful, even say, You re crazy. They are willing to say whatever is necessary to have you wake up and see life their way, for you. All in the name of preventing a variety of unfavorable outcomes such as getting taken, being disappointed, losing money, or losing love. You re going to lose something, or something bad is going to happen, so they re like, Don t do it! I want you to have favorable outcomes too, but not by avoiding risk. Avoiding risk, avoiding the things we know we must do, is allowing fear to make our decisions for us. Whenever you use the advice of Fear Junkies, you are being run by fear. Fear Junkies can punish you if you don t agree with them by taking away their love and approval. They might ignore you or put you down. Yet, many Fear Junkies believe this is just a means to an end, because they will tell you that they love you, and that they re only saying this for your own good implying they know better than you do. See, many Fear Junkies aren t comfortable with risk-taking, and your risk taking is a sore reminder to them of their own unfulfilled dreams. Are Fear Junkies bad people? Of course not. Many of the Fear Junkies in your life absolutely adore you. They do care about you. They might have great wisdom to share. They do have things to contribute. Yet, bottom line: Fear Junkies focus on what they don t have, what you don t have, and what can t be done, rather than what Fearbusters give us. We re going to discuss Fearbusters next module and Fearbusters are committed to helping you live your life, YOUR way. Fear Junkies want you to live THEIR version of YOUR life.

2 What we will learn next module is how Fearbusters offer us the freedom to explore, help us come up with creative solutions, stimulate thinking outside-the-box, and are committed to helping you move forward. Next module we are going to build your support team and fill it with Fearbusters. Right now, let s start paying attention to the people in your life that seem to want the best for you, but aren t necessarily interested in, or don t necessarily care what you want. They don t have the capacity to care because they re so focused on fear. Let s talk about the motivation behind a Fear Junkies advice and support. Fear Junkies are motivated by their own Wheel of Fear and project their fears onto you. No matter how together they seem, they have fears. Why? You ve learned this already, because every single person has fear, and your Fear Junkie is afraid of something. Because they re motivated by their Wheel of Fear, and don t know it, they don t know any other way to communicate their concern or love, except through worry and doubt. They don t mean to bring you down. They don t, for the most part, consciously project their fears on you. They don t mean to suck the life force out of you. They don t mean to do it; they just can t help it. They are unaware of how their fears color their conversations with you. They don t know that their hesitations, or doubts, or worries are their own fears and have nothing to do with you and your capabilities. They have a difficult time separating your ability versus theirs. They have a difficult time separating their doubts versus your reality. Because what fear does, and you know this already, is mush everything together into one big ball of worry, doubt, and concern, which Fear Junkies call, love. Your job is to become vigilant about what you share and with whom. This is not about withholding love or advice. It is about learning to understand that just because you love certain people, and they love you, doesn t automatically guarantee that they will know how to support you. Most people in your life are part Fear Junkie and part Fearbuster. In other words, they may be a total Fear Junkie in one area of your life and a total Fearbuster in another. Example: my client Sharon and her best friend. When it comes to dating, because that s what Sharon wants, she wants to find a significant relationship, her best friend gives Sharon this type of advice, Well you know there s not enough men out there, I mean at our age Sharon, everybody is either married or dead. You don t want to date an older guy, because he s just going to get sick on you, and you can t date a younger guy because he s eventually going to dump you for a younger woman. And on it goes. Sharon would join in. Sharon in her own life was a Fear Junkie in the area of dating; she and her best friend were Fear Junkies together.

3 When it came to her career Sharon and her best friend were Fearbusters, they were total Fearbusters. They were on the same career track and they were making it happen, they didn t see obstacles, they just saw solutions. Think about it in your life, do you have somebody in your life that in one area, whether it s personal relationships, family, friends, career, or health, that they re a downer, but in another area they re just so supportive and they re so with you? That s somebody who is part Fear Junkie and part Fearbuster. Another client of mine, Tom, he and his wife wanted love. She just wanted to feel love and feel connected. She wanted Tom to love her and she just wanted to love Tom, but his career? She saw it as the enemy. When he was working hard to provide for their family, she put his career down because in her mind, his career was the mistress. Tom s wife was a Fear Junkie when it came to his career, and so Tom felt she was also a Fear Junkie when it came to love. How do you navigate your relationships when half the time they re for you, and the other half of the time they are against you? That s exactly what we are going to be talking about this week and next week. Right now, the trick is to figure out what you value in any given relationship and learn how to focus on the positive aspects. Focus on the Fearbuster areas. This brings me to some news I want to share with you. Are you sitting down? Take a deep breath. If you expect your spouse, or best friend, or if you expect to be able to talk about anything with any one person, more importantly, to be everything and support everything you do, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. The key people in your life do not have to agree with every decision you make in order to have an ongoing supportive relationship. The people you love the most, and the people, who love you the most, may not agree with you all the time and they may not know how to be Fearbusters. As we go through the five types of Fear Junkies this module, we re going to go over each one, step-by-step. I want you to realize, and I know this is a tough one, that the person you love the most, your spouse, your mate, your intimate relationship, or your best friend, is not going to think in Fearbuster terms all the time. They re not going to support you all the time. That s part of relationships. So are you going to have someone who is 100% Fearbuster, 100% of the time in, 100% of the areas in your life? Maybe, but probably not There are five types of Fear Junkies. We re going to be going over each one step-bystep. While I am explaining the types of Fear Junkies I want you to get out the Fearbuster Exercise, called: Types of Fear Junkies. Next to each type, and there are going to be five total, as I go through them individually, in each video, I want you to jot down the name of anyone who comes to mind, or a

4 situation that comes to mind. I want you to ask yourself who do you know that is that type of Fear Junkie. You will be using the Fearbuster Exercise: Types of Fear Junkies as I explain the types in each video. At the end of this module, you will have a list of the Fear Junkies in your life, along with tips on how to be in a relationship with them because you want to continue to have relationships with some of these Fear Junkies. Bottom line, you don t have to eliminate the Fear Junkies in your life, you just have to be aware of them and know their fears don t have to become yours. Next module, we will do the same for Fearbusters. We are going to be identifying the Fearbusters in your life and learn how to impact those relationships, and make them even more supportive. One more thought. I know some of you right now are excited that we are on the topic of support. You know you need more support and haven t been sure how to get it. While others of you might have already started worrying about the lack of support in your life just hearing the word: Fear Junkie. Perhaps you ve already sussed out that the loved ones in your life aren t all that loving. Maybe your life is filled with Fear Junkies and maybe you are secretly asking yourself, Can t I skip this part and just to go to Module 9 and find out how to get more Fearbusters? The answer: NO. You cannot skip this part because learning the types of Fear Junkies is crucial to building your awareness and your ability to figure out if the people in your life are driven by fear or freedom. When you desperately want advice and you re run by fear, a Fear Junkie s advice might sound like a good idea. If you re not aware that you re in fear, and you can t see if they re a Fear Junkie or a Fearbuster, you might actually believe that they re helping you. It isn t always easy to see when it s wrapped in caring words like, But I love you, and, I m only telling you this for your own good, or, I m worried about you that s all. This week is about being attentive. People who love you can also be Fear Junkies. Being loving does not necessarily go hand in hand with their ability to be fearless. Being loving and a Fear Junkie can go hand-in-hand. When you do take more and more fearless steps, it is going to be easier to be loving, more compassionate, and more open. As we all know, using the word love, and living the word love, are two very different things. So yes, I want you to pay attention. It s vital that you watch each and every video. This is where the work of awareness becomes so very important.

5 It s now time to pull out your Fearbuster Exercise: Types of Fear Junkies. We re going to use that as we go through every single type of Fear Junkie, and there are five in total. Then I have a special bonus video for you, it s called Third, Third, Third. I m excited to share this with you because it s going to give you guidance into helping you move through your experience with Fear Junkies. If you need a little relief right now, you can go watch Third, Third, Third first. But, get right back here and watch the rest of the videos on the five types of Fear Junkies. I ll see you at the next video. REMINDER: Be sure to complete the Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions before beginning the next video. You can find this exercise on a couple pages below.

6 Fearbuster Exercise: Types of Fear Junkies Video 8.1 Please keep track of the names of people in your life that are the following Fear Junkies. If a person is more than one type of Fear Junkie, write down their name under each type that is appropriate for that person. Dream Drainers: Puppeteers: RearView Mirrors: Rivals in Disguise: Complaining Buddies:

7 Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions Video 8.1 As you learned about Fear Junkies, what is the first thing that popped into your mind? With the information you know, who are your top three Fear Junkies? How have you contributed to being a Fear Junkie? If you could change one Fear Junkie relationship, which one would it be? What does hanging out with Fear Junkies cost you?

8 Welcome to Module Eight: Fear Junkies Video Two: Dream Drainers Right now we are going to be talking about the Fear Junkie: Dream Drainer. Now every Fear Junkie has particular qualities and characteristics. The Dream Drainer has something very unique: they mimic and echo your fears. It s almost as if they re reading your mind. Take for instance, my client Carl. Carl wanted to open his own business. His Fear Junkie might say, Well, in this economy, this economy is horrific to start your own business. Those are Carl s secret fears. His Fear Junkie is echoing and mimicking his fears and the Fear Junkie may be effective since Carl is anxious about making a decision. But the reality is: Carl has done his homework. He s done his research. He knows he can absolutely have his business. Then, when he talks to his supposed support team - his friends, his family - they don t ask him inquisitive questions to find out the research he has done; which is what a Fearbuster would do. That supposed support team just makes general statements as those lovely Fear Junkies do. Basically, they say things like, Well that s a bad idea in this economy, which, of course, Carl has thought himself. I really want you to hear this because this is one of the ways I think the Wheel of Fear uses our spirituality against us. Many people who have a spiritual base, whether they believe it or not, or whether they know it or not, are secretly waiting for signs from God, or signs from Allah, or signs from Buddha, or signs from the universe, or signs from something, and when somebody echo s their fear, it can feel like a sign, That s what I was thinking. A Fear Junkie echoes your fears and the advice is always constricting, it always makes you move more inside of yourself. Their advice constricts you. My client Carl, he had done all his homework, but the Fear Junkie in his life, who was a Dream Drainer, made very general statements, and those same statements were things that Carl thought. This made Carl second-guess his bold decision to open his business now, in this economy, it made him second-guess himself. Carl had a session with me and I got him clear and straight, yet that Fear Junkie had the power to derail Carl If he didn t have a Fearbuster in his life like me to remind him of the truth; the fearless truth. I want you to be attentive. Dream Drainers mimic and echo your fears. It can actually seem like they re in your head.

9 Dream Drainers don t necessarily ask you questions to help you uncover and suss things out as a Fearbuster would. Instead, Dream Drainers share general overarching statements that are your fears, and say them out loud. Another quality characteristic of a Dream Drainer is Dream Drainers believe that you need to be protected, because they love you, they care for you, you re smart and you re doing a stupid thing, however they rationalize it. They want to protect you. Most of the time, I believe, Dream Drainers really are doing this from a place of innocence. Meaning, their Wheel of Fear is on patrol, and they re not purposely doing/saying this to you. They really believe that nobody should open a business when the economy is bad, because their Wheel of Fear has convinced them of that. Even if you gave them stats that a lot of businesses are doing well in a down economy, they would have some reason, some excuse, why those businesses would do well and your business wouldn t. They would have some rationalization. Another characteristic of Dream Drainers is they think dreams are impossible; specifically your dream is impossible. This is one way that Dream Drainers project on to you, because they probably haven t gone for one of their dreams. They probably have an unfulfilled dream that has haunted them, or they put it aside, and ignore it, or pretend it s not even there. Then, they deny it, so when you re going for a bold dream, when you thinking about stepping out, it brings up their worry, concern, and anxiety. It brings up their feeling of vulnerability, their feeling of loss. Again, not that their conscious of it, which makes them blurt out, You re opening a business in this economy? Every Fear Junkie is motivated by their Wheel of Fear; and this one in particular, Dream Drainer, just mimics and echoes your fear. Here are some examples. They might say, Are you nuts? In this economy? They might say, You re giving up security? You ve got that great job. I ve got a client right now actually, right this moment, and she s about to change jobs. She s received an offer for a new job, and the offer isn t as much money as she s currently making. Now, most of us would think, Well then that decides it. Well, this client, in her current job (where she is making more money), the hours are sporadic and that s having a negative impact on her health. I m helping her suss out what she values. What does she value more: health or financial stability? Having more money or her health? The Fear Junkies in her life are so focused on the goal to make more money that everything else doesn t matter. That s how Fear Junkies are. Fear Junkies don t necessarily take your whole life into consideration; they don t think of all the qualities, they don t think of the wholeness of your life, all the different areas. In this one area, Dream Drainers think, you are wrong, you re unprotected, you re crazy, you re nuts, because it s a bad economy.

10 What if you fail? That s really the underlying fear of the Dream Drainer. What if you fail? You re going to fail. They believe that you are going to fail, and that you are going to be disappointed, so they try to talk you out of it. And again, they love you, they care, they just don t know how to express their concern any other way except through their fears. Some strategies to use for Dream Drainers in your life: A strategy to use with Dream Drainers is to be very attentive to what you share with them and when. Let s say your best friend is a Fear Junkie in the area of your career. Use my client as an example. She s about to shift careers and take less money. She probably doesn t want to go to her best friend and discuss it if her friend is a Fear Junkie. My client definitely doesn t want to go to her Fear Junkie friend and discuss it until she s made her own internal decision, maybe with some support from Fearbusters. Only after she s made her decision, does she tell her Fear Junkie best friend about her career change; i.e. that she s going to make less money, but she s going to have her health. If her Fear Junkie best friend starts saying, Are you nuts? It s about the economy. You re taking less money, she s prepared. At that moment, you, and my client, know you ve done all your research, sussed it out, made your decision, you re internally settled with it, so when that Fear Junkie talks about those fears you don t have to take them on; you don t have to get triggered by them and make them real; you don t have to start second guessing yourself. That s what Dream Drainers are really great at: they want you to second guess yourself, and they want you to not do it. Remember, Fear Junkies want you to live your life their way. Another suggestion: I want you to talk positively around Fear Junkies. I m thinking of a client that I have, I have so many clients that this has happened to. I have a client, and she loves her boyfriend. He s proposed and they are about to get married. Well, her parents do not like her fiancé. They don t approve of her fiancé. They don t like him one bit. She comes to coaching and asks, What am I going to do? This is the first question I asked her, Where did they get their information? What was it that he did, or what is it that my client said, that gave her parents this negative opinion of her fiancé? What I found out, through my line of questioning, was that in the beginning of the relationship, my client was indecisive. When she talked to her parents she d share everything: Yes I like him. I don t know if I like him. He s late. He doesn t respect me. He respects me. All the times when she was indecisive, unsure, nervous, and scared; she shared all those with her parents. They heard their poor daughter go through the

11 ups and downs of her relationship with this guy, and, because of that, this is the last person they want their daughter to marry. It s normal to have ups and downs in relationships in the beginning and not be sure if you want to be with a particular person or not. But to share your concerns with the wrong people (i.e. Fear Junkies) that have a certain attachment to the outcome, that want it to be a certain way, puts you on the Fear Junkie train along with that Fear Junkie. This is what I told my client, I do not want you to share one doubt about your fiancé. I don t want you to share one negative thing about your fiancé. The only thing you re going to say to your parents for the next, well, for the rest of your life as much as you can, specifically for the next three months, is you are going to say positive, powerful and impactful things. This is what will happen, because I ve done this with so many people, those parents will come to my client in three months, as they have with other clients and say the following words, Wow, that fiancé of yours has really changed. Your fiancé hasn t really changed; you ve changed because you quit feeding the Fear Junkie friends of yours, your Fear Junkie parents. Some of the people that are in your life that are Fear Junkies, you have been feeding them negative information. When my client quit feeding her parents negative information about her fiancé, they quit having negative feelings about her fiancé. So be positive. Third suggestion: I want you to talk about solutions rather than problems. When you re talking to a Fear Junkie Dream Drainer, I want you to focus on solutions. Let s say you go to your best friend who s a Fear Junkie in career. She s negative about you opening your own business, or she s negative about you changing your career right now, or changing your job right now. Let s say she does her Fear Junkie talk and you re not really solid in your conviction. I want you to look him or her in the eye and say the following, I really hear your concerns and worries, and I really love that you love me so much that you re worried and concerned for me, yet I want to focus on solutions. What can I do? Let s say I do take this job. Let s say I do open this business. Let s say I do marry this person. What are some solutions for some problems that I may have? That s great Fearbusting, that s great friends, that s what a Fearbuster will do. Again, notice you are in charge of this. You may not always be able to change a Fear Junkie into a Fearbuster, but you can support them in being more fearless by what you feed to them (i.e. your fears or your positive, solution-oriented, specific questions and comments) in whatever conversation you have with them.

12 Strategies for Dream Drainers: One: Be selective about what you share, and be ready to share only what you are clear about knowing. They re a Fear Junkie in this area. Two: Talk positively about the situation. If you feed them your worries and concerns, they re going to grab it and run with it. Then, because they love you; because you re close; because you have that type of relationship, you might have second thoughts, you might second-guess yourself, and you might self-sabotage all because you got stuck in a fear filled conversation with a Fear Junkie. Three: Focus on solution and not the problem. Remember: Dream Drainers mimic and echo your fears. You re going to feel like they re inside of your head. They know exactly what to say, and what your fears are, but remember they re just a Fear Junkie in that area. You don t have to share everything with them; you don t have to tell them what s going on until you re ready to, until you have made your internal decision. Remember: A Fear Junkie in the area of career might be a great Fearbuster in relationship, or a great Fearbuster in health. The same might be true in that they might be a Fear Junkie in health and be a great Fearbuster in relationship. Be attentive. People in your life can be Fear Junkies and Fearbusters. Be attentive: know whom you re talking to, and what area of life you are talking to them about. Focus your conversations; that will always help you stay in the world of Fearbusters. Go ahead and write down now, on the Types of Fear Junkies Fearbuster Exercise, the people in your life who you think are Dream Drainers. Like I said, they might be a Dream Drainer in one area and a Fearbuster in another, so be attentive. Go ahead and write however many names came up. Write them down now. I ll look forward to seeing you in the next video. REMINDER: Be sure to complete the Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions before beginning the next video. You can find this exercise on the next page below.

13 Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions Video 8.2 Reflect on your past. What areas of your life have been negatively impacted by Dream Drainers? List your top three Dream Drainers: If you had the fearlessness to pursue a lost-lost dream, which dream would it be? Don t rationalize or pretend you don t have a dream, if you do. Name your longlost dream now. If you went for it, how would that change your life? Are Dream Drainers impacting your life now? How? What can Dream Drainers say to you that triggers your Wheel of Fear?

14 Welcome to Module Eight: Fear Junkies Video Three: Puppeteers It is now time to talk about the type of Fear Junkie called Puppeteer. Puppeteers are those people that want to run your life with their little strings of manipulation. They absolutely want you to live the life they missed. That s one of the characteristics of a Puppeteer. They absolutely want to pull your strings, they want to have your life under their control and they absolutely want to manipulate you, and well, they want to own you. Again, they might not be conscious of it, some of them are, be attentive, some Puppeteer Fear Junkies are absolutely aware of it, but most Puppeteers aren t. They just think they re helping you. Think of a parent who s overcommitted, or overbearing, or over-controlling, or over caring, somebody who s always trying to make your path clear and wanting to make everything perfect and right. Well, in that way, they re also pulling your strings. They re trying to guide you: what college you should go to, what job you should take, who you should date. They re trying to help you avoid mistakes. They don t want you to make the same mistakes they did, and that is another characteristic of a Puppeteer. They want you to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams. They do not want you to make the mistake they did. They didn t go to law school, trust me, you re going to law school if it s up to them. If they got married too young, they don t want you to get married young. Notice there s no middle ground with a Puppeteer Fear Junkie. If it didn t work one way for them, they want you to do the opposite. There s no middle ground. It s not, Oh, maybe I ll go to medical school, it s like, No, law school. It is the only way to go, and they will train you to think that s your choice. Puppeteers usually are long-term relationships. It s usually, many times, based in authority, like a boss or a parent. Again, they just don t want you to be hurt. They think they ve been there, they ve done it, they know it, and they re going to help you avoid any risks, avoid any disappointments, and avoid any failures. The challenge is if you re avoiding risks, and avoiding disappointment, and avoiding failure, you re also avoiding a successful life called your own. A successful life called your own includes the willingness to risk failure and the willingness to risk disappointment, and if you re unwilling to risk disappointment and failure, then you re really never going to have the level of satisfaction and fulfillment that you could, that you want.

15 They know what s best for you, as I ve said before; they live vicariously through you, absolutely. You are a mini version of them, they see themselves in you and they want the best for you. I think of my niece Deena, I love my niece Deena, I love my niece Rachel too. I love my nephews. I love all my nieces and nephews. Deena is going to law school, and we re all so proud. You could see how some of the family, yes, they were proud that she s going to law school, we don t have a lawyer in the family, yet they were also worried that it would wreck her, that it wouldn t be good for her. She s such a free spirit they worried that a legal degree would shut her down, make her small, and scared. They re actually being a Fear Junkie out of the guise, I want her to be free, because, they don t feel free. Well, Deena s made this choice from a very conscious place, and she s choosing to become a lawyer because she s really drawn to that and really wants to do that. I love this example because the Fear Junkies were actually putting down something that most of us would think is a good decision: law school. It s a great example of how you never know what someone deems a good decision versus a bad decision; and it s all based on their own personalized Wheel of Fear. It s your ability to be a Fearbuster, we are going to talk about Fearbusters next module, that makes the difference. To be a true Fearbuster you have to be willing to know and believe that you are not the same as anybody else, and that your fears are not their fears, and their fears are not your fears. What works for you, does not work for another. That you and I are two different individuals. We are unique and different. Most of us, for ease, for simplicity, throw people in a big bucket and just say, Everybody s like this and everybody s like that, and you probably think this because I do. We especially do that with our family and friends because we feel like we re the same. If you re not listening, or willing to listen, to the differences, you re probably a Fear Junkie. If you re trying to control somebody or trying to guide them with a heavy hand, then you re probably being a puppeteer. Their perspective, as I ve said, is the only choice. Some things they might say to you are, I know what you should do, and there is no option except the choice that they provide. If you choose anything else they ll be disappointed, they ll roll their eyes, or they ll sigh, Okay, whatever. They might ignore you; they might never bring it up again; they might say things like, Well, you didn t take my advice when it happened. I know this is something that happened to me after my parents died. When I was in college, and you probably all know by now, by watching all these videos, in college I did not do well and I was not well. I was going through a very difficult time with money, and I

16 went to one of my relatives and asked them if they could help me. I think I asked for 1000 dollars, which was a lot of money. The answer they gave me was this, Well, you had an opportunity to live with me when your parents died, and you said no, so I m not giving you any money now. I m thinking to myself, I had an opportunity to live with you? What are you talking about? One, I didn t even know about this opportunity to live with them, but that s actually beside the point. The point is that Puppeteers will make you pay for not listening. She had the money to give me, yet she refused because I didn t do what she wanted me to do eight years before. Puppeteers can have a long memory; they can punish you years after the actual event. Now again, you can do something about that with our strategies, but these are some of the things you may have experienced with these Puppeteers, If I were you I would That s the only way that they could talk to you. Puppeteers want you to do what they would do. Strategies for Puppeteers: One: Stand in your own power and do not give it away. Stand in your own power! You can start things off with a Puppeteer by saying things like: I really value your opinion and I really hear what you re saying. Or, you could say something like, I appreciate you loving me so much to give me this advice. Or, I really appreciate your concern and I know you re speaking from the heart and that means so much to me. Or you could say, I know that you re speaking from a perspective of wisdom, and knowledge, and years, and I know you re sharing from experience. You could say any of those things to start. Then you say the following, and. You always say, and, you never say, but. Remember, I love you, but? what does the person remember? The but. So you don t say, Oh, I really appreciate you giving me your worry, and your concern, and your love, but Don t say that. Instead the fearless way is: I really hear that you re giving me this advice out of your deep love and concern for me. I so appreciate it, and I m still going to go to law school, and I m still going to take the risk and open my business, and I m still going to marry my fiancé. They re going to look at you like you re crazy; they re going to give you the look to try to manipulate you; or they will beat you up by putting you down; they will try to shame you, humiliate you, to get you to do what they want. But, you must follow that internal knowing, make the choice yourself, stand firm and say, I appreciate you sharing this with me, and right now in my life I m going to do A, B, C. Got it?

17 Two: Tell your truth. Just like I said in discussing Fear Junkies previously, it s not about telling your whole truth and telling everything about the entire situation to everyone. It s about telling your truth that it doesn t work for you. That what you really yearn to be is a ballerina; or what you really yearn to do is to get in the trenches of opening your own business, yes, even in a bad economy; or yes, I know mom that you re scared that I m going to marry this person that you don t like, and I m willing to take that risk because I love him. You ve got to decide to take back your life and take back your power. Puppeteers want to make you believe that you re wrong, or bad, or stupid. They re going to try to trigger your Wheel of Fear to make you feel not good enough if you choose anything but their way. You have to decide that their way isn t your way, and you have to value your way more than anybody else s way. More than their approval, more than their love, more than their money, and that s tough sometimes. I want to remind you that this is your life and you are the only one that can live it. Listening to a Puppeteer will eventually cause you regret. I m not saying that Puppeteers don t give good advice; they might have some wisdom to share, but remember their filtering it through their Wheel of Fear. You can listen to their advice, listen to their wisdom, and listen to their concerns, knowing their concern, wisdom and advice is being filtered through their Wheel of Fear. Then you will be able to hear what s underneath. Okay, so what they re really concerned about is if I am going to make enough money to support myself? That s what their concern is. Are they concerned I m going to be happy? That way, when you do state your truth you can say, I know, and I m willing to take the risks of opening the business, or getting married again, whatever your choice is, because I really do think it s going to wake me up to being happy, because I know you want me to be happy (aunt, uncle, mom, brother, fiancé, whoever this is). I know you want me to be happy and this is my path to happiness. They might say, Well, you re wrong. This is the answer you always give when you get that response, I might be, I might be wrong, but I want to find that out myself. Their reply might be: Well, you re going to come back and tell me that I was right. You: Yes, I might, and I m willing to take that risk. If I find out that you were right, I will tell you that you were right. Three: Acknowledge different points of view. You can say things like, I totally hear that you believe in A, B, C. I know that your opinion of my fiancé is different than my opinion of my fiancé, you have a different view and I have another. I respect and appreciate yours. Yet, I m the one that s getting married. (I m the one that s opening my business. I m the one that has to take this risk.)

18 So I m going to go with mine. I completely respect and appreciate all the wisdom that you re giving me. Thank you. Notice a technique I m using with the Fear Junkies in your life, and this is a great technique period: practice thanking people for their concern, worry, doubt, and their advice, even though it s drenched in fear. Thanking them disarms them. They feel heard, and in reality, for the most part, it s true that they are saying it out of worry and concern. You being willing to thank them for their worry and concern validates their desire to extend themselves by sharing their wisdom/advice with you. They are extending themselves, in their mind, in good will. It s a really great strategy. Whenever you get any criticism, or feedback, anything that is hard to hear, or things that you think are fear based, say, Thank you so much. I really hear that you re worried. I really hear your concern. Thank you so much, and I m going to do A, B, C. Puppeteers overview. They want you to believe their point is best. They want to live their life vicariously through you. They don t want you to make the same mistakes that they did. They want to control and manipulate. Again, out of love, out of concern, out of worry, out of doubt, out of, I don t want you to live how I ve lived. Well, you might, but you might be happy. Grab your Fearbuster Exercise called, Types of Fear Junkies. I want you to think of all the Puppeteers in your life right now. Did anybody come to mind as I was speaking? Maybe you re a Puppeteer in somebody s life? Put that down too. Who is a Puppeteer? Who came to mind when I was going through the list of the characteristics of Puppeteers? Do you have any in your life? If you have some, in what area of your life do you have them? Are they trying to control your whole life? Usually Puppeteers, like any Fear Junkie, try to control one, or two areas of your life. They might try to control three, and yes, don t get me wrong, there are some Fear Junkies that want your whole life, but usually their control extends to only certain areas. When you identify the Puppeteers in your life, be sure to answer: what area are they trying to be a Puppeteer? Great work. I ll see you at the next video. REMINDER: Be sure to complete the Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions before beginning the next video. You can find this exercise on the next page below.

19 Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions Video 8.3 What area of your life have you experienced a Puppeteer? List the top three Puppeteers in your life: How do you try to control other people s lives? Could you be thought of as a Puppeteer? What is the difference between control and your personal preference? How do Puppeteers trigger your Wheel of Fear?

20 Welcome to Module Eight: Fear Junkies Video Four: Rivals in Disguise We are on Fear Junkie: Rival in Disguise. Previously, I have shared with you that most Fear Junkies don t know they re being a fear junkie. They don t know that they re filtering their life through fear, they don t know they re giving advice based in fear, and just think they re worried, concerned and they love you. Rivals in Disguise, well, they usually know what they re doing. They usually know that they are absolutely doing what they re doing. First strategy for Rivals in Disguise is to keep your distance. Keep your distance from a Rival in Disguise. Let s go over the characteristics. Rivals in Disguise sabotage you intentionally. They purposely do it. I think of the time when I was first starting to write my book, Fearless Living. I met a woman who had written a book, and it was so exciting. I didn t know many people who had written a book, and it was published. She said to me, I ll meet with you to discuss your book and getting it published. I was beyond ecstatic and happy. I had been a life coach for approximately two years at that point. In my first two years of being a life coach, my career skyrocketed. I had a full-time practice. I had products. I had ebooks. I had bundles. I was speaking three to five times a week. I had a full client roster. I was very, very, successful at the two-year mark of my coaching practice. I met with her because I didn t know anything about books. I was excited to meet with her so I went with open ears, an open heart, an open mind, and couldn t wait. So we sit down at lunch and I say, I m so excited. And she says, Okay, well the way I can help you best is if you tell me everything going on right now. Well, I told her everything going on right now. I told her all of my strategies that I was implementing right then, all my business ideas, thinking that she was going to support me in making them come true; she was going to mentor me because that s how I thought the relationship was set up. Well, at the end of lunch she looked at me and she said, Well, the things you re doing right now are so great, and we didn t really get to me talking about books, um, we ll have to do that next time. And she left. I thought: Okay that was kind of weird. Well she did ask me a lot of questions, and I did answer all of her questions. I know we were supposed to talk about books and we never really got there. But she said we could go to lunch again. I had a little caution, but I met with her again thinking: Okay, now it will be her turn. She started off the exact same way, So tell me everything you re doing. I looked at her

21 and said, I m pretty much doing everything that I told you about last time. What I really want to hear about is publishing a book. How did you do it? How did you get your interviews? What did you do? She would not share one thing with me. She did not share any of her process with me. She wouldn t give me any tidbits of advice or support. It became very clear very quickly that what she was there to do was to be my Rival in Disguise. The disguise of being a mentor, the disguise of being support, but really what she was there to do was garner my ideas, my energy, my database, or whatever else that she could, under the guise that she was helping me. She didn t really help me and she wasn t going to help me. She was going to drag this relationship on as long as she could until I wised up, until I started figuring it out. For many of us, sadly, just like I didn t, we don t usually figure out the person we are meeting with is a Rival in Disguise at the first or second business meeting. Usually we go in thinking, Okay, well I do have a lot to share and she s probably coming up with a great big plan. No big plan, she was a Rival in Disguise. I absolutely believe that Rivals in Disguise do it intentionally and that they want what you have. That s the difference. Remember, Puppeteers want you to live their life; they want you to live for them. Rivals in Disguise want to take what you have and give it to themselves. Rivals in Disguise believe in lack and limitation. They believe that there is only one winner and one loser. They absolutely have a scarcity consciousness. They absolutely believe that there s not enough and if you have it, I can t have it. I want you to be attentive here because I really want you to notice the difference between people s words and their actions. This particular author was very much into abundance, prosperity, sharing, and that was her whole conversation when she spoke to me, that was the way she presented herself, but it was not in her actions. So be attentive. Don t listen only to people s words, those are nice, words are nice, but it s their actions that tell character. Words do not tell you about somebody s character, their actions tell you about their character. Now do I want you to hoard and never share anything with anybody because they might be a Rival in Disguise? Of course not. But there is a reason why you should get into business and/or a relationship slowly. One of the challenges when we date, I know this happened to my client Jennifer, she met a man and she just dived in right away. She shared everything with him, everything. She had this false sense, what I call a false sense of intimacy; because when we share everything and the other person says, Oh, ah-huh, oh, wow, yeah, I totally get it, you actually believe that you re creating an intimate relationship just by talking. Intimacy is a two-way street; it takes two people. Be attentive to the illusion of sharing,

22 i.e. somehow just sharing your deepest secrets means you are intimate. Or because you re sharing, and they seem to be listening, that they re being supportive. Look at the actions that they take after you share, after you give. I want to say it again, it doesn t mean I want you to hoard, but I do want you to be conscious and aware. You don t share your deep, darkest, intimate secrets on your third date. You share things that are appropriate for a third date, regardless of how you feel. You don t go into a business meeting with somebody that you barely know and start telling them you re three year business plan. You do it at stages of trust and connection building, and after you experience their character and their integrity. That s what grownups do. That s what fearless people do. That s what healthy people do. I think sometimes we get caught up in thinking that fearless means say anything to anyone at anytime, and that s not what it is. So be attentive. If you re giving Rivals in Disguise the ammunition for them to take something precious from you, and, I don t like to use the word steal from you, but it will feel that way; you ll feel like you ve been betrayed, that s a word that will probably come up for you, betrayed. You might feel resentful, you might be bitter, you might be angry, those feelings come up. I just want you to be attentive and ask yourself, Did you tell something to soon? Did you share something perhaps to soon? It s not an opportunity to beat yourself up; it s just awareness. It s never an opportunity to beat yourself up. Do I want you to be a Fearbuster in your own life? Yes, I do. And yes, sometimes being fearless might propel you to believe that you should share without hesitation, with full transparency; don t hold back. Yes, you re going to share too much sometimes and that might be because you have a belief in abundance and prosperity. But I don t want you to share just for the sake of sharing. I don t want you to indulge yourself in thinking that s fearless. I don t want you to believe that giving everything you know to everyone is what fearless means. It s not. Sometimes it takes more courage to be quiet, to wait and share later, than to blurt out your opinions and beliefs. Does this make sense? Examples of Rivals in Disguise: Another aspect of rivals in disguise is they give the backhanded compliment. Rivals in Disguise are great at giving the backhanded compliment, Do you really think you ve changed? For instance, you go to your high school reunion and you see somebody there you haven t seen for twenty years, ten years, or thirty years, Do you really think you ve changed since high school? You must have saved up to be able to do that. You re in fairly good shape for someone who

23 Strategies for Puppeteers: One: Keep your distance from these people. Now I have heard from many clients when I teach the Fearless Living workshops; the Be Fearless workshop, the Fearless Loving workshop, or Fearless Conversation workshops, when I m doing that work with people I ve heard many times, more than once, three times, ten times, a hundred times: Oh my gosh, my best friend is my Rival in Disguise! Your best friend might be a Rival in Disguise in probably a very narrow area in your life. Be attentive. If you have somebody in your life that s a Rival in Disguise that you love, and your best friends with, or it s your partner, or somebody really close to you, tell them what you learned right now in this video: Oh my gosh, I realized we re Rivals in Disguise. How funny is that. I love you so much and you love me so much and oh my gosh, we can still be Rivals. How funny. What do you want to do about it? I want to let that go, how about you? Two: Avoid feedback and interaction. If you re in a relationship with a Rival in Disguise their feedback is probably going to be the wrong feedback because they want to derail you. Remember rivals in disguise want to sabotage you. They re not giving you feedback and advice from a place of you growing, changing, expanding, and becoming more fearless. They want to derail you. Three: A strategy when they attempt to corner you is to thank them and walk away. Thank you for caring and I appreciate your support and I ve got to go right now. The less you tell a Rival in Disguise, the better. Go ahead and get the Fearbuster Exercise out called: Types of Fear Junkies. Has anyone come to mind while I ve been talking about Rivals in Disguise? Has a family member popped into your brain? Has one of your close friends popped into your brain? Has somebody at work popped into your brain? Maybe an old relationship popped into your brain that you aren t even connected with anymore, but you re thinking, Oh, that s what she meant by Rival in Disguise. Think about the history of your life: have you run into a Rival in Disguise? Jot his or her name down. Admit to yourself where you ve been a Rival in Disguise to somebody else. I ll see you at the next video. REMINDER: Be sure to complete the Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions before beginning the next video. You can find this exercise on the next page.

24 Fearbuster Exercise: Integration Questions Video 8.4 How have you been impacted by Rivals in Disguise? List your top three Rivals in Disguise: Is there anyone in your life right now, who is a Rival in Disguise, that you could say good-bye to with little consequence? Name the person and the possible consequence. Are you staying in a relationship with a Rival in Disguise? If yes, please explain the purpose of the relationship? How do Rivals in Disguise trigger your Wheel of Fear?