Module 6 - Having Hard Conversations. Preread

Size: px

Start display at page:

Download "Module 6 - Having Hard Conversations. Preread"

Peter Lewis
5 years ago
Views:

1 Module 6 - Having Hard Conversations Preread The following pages contain: Some principles to remember when you are giving or receiving a tough message (p. 2) One process/way you might handle those types of conversations (p. 3) Phrases to use and stay away from when starting these conversations (p. 4) General helpful practices (p. 5) A way to surface an unproductive pattern that keeps both of you from even being able to have the conversation you need to have (p. 6) Pages 7 thru 9 are self-explanatory 1

2 Feedback Principles When Giving Feedback 1. Check Your Intent Make sure when you give someone feedback that your intent is to help them vs. shame them or get even. 2. Feedback should be specific Cheryl, you did a really good job with the meeting! This sounds nice, but is not helpful. It needs to be more specific, e.g., Cheryl, I liked how you would clarify people s input a lot by asking them if you heard them correctly. And I liked how you would summarize periodically as a way to keep us on track. I think it really helped the meeting. 3. Feedback should be descriptive vs. judgmental John, you were kind of rude toward Jennifer in the meeting and I don t think people liked it. This is much too judgmental and the person needs to speak for themselves only and not for the rest of the group, e.g., John, there were at least three times I noticed during the meeting where Jennifer was trying to make a point and you cut her off before she finished. Now I don t know how she felt about it, but it was frustrating for me because I was trying to understand her point and include her in the process. When Receiving Feedback 1. Make sure you are ready to listen If you are upset, angry or in any way too distracted to get some feedback, set another time to get together. 2. Summarize what you hear to confirm understanding The goal at this point is to understand the message, not to agree or disagree with the person s view/suggestion. 3. Treat the feedback like a gift: Say Thanks and a) Look at it, try it on, fits, ready to wear?, wear it b) Look at it, try it on, fits, but not ready to wear, put it aside c) Look at it, does not fit/not important to you, toss it 2

3 The S.T.A.T.E. Model Share Your facts This is what I saw This is my understanding of what the agreement was Tell Your Story The impact on me was My reaction to that was Ask for Other s facts and Story Is that fair? How do you see it? Talk Tentatively It would seem Correct me if I m wrong Maybe I m off base Encourage Testing Am I off base here? Am I misreading this? Does my reaction make sense to you? From Crucial Conversations 3

4 Conversation Starters vs. Enders Do use Stay away from There s something I ve noticed lately I need your help with... There s something you re doing that s bothering me.. Maybe I m wrong here, but check my thinking on something We need to talk (sternly) I want to discuss something that s been I have some feedback for on my mind lately and see what you think you that you need to pay attention to Help me out here, there s something I ve noticed of late that s troubling me and I want to make sure I m not overreacting You need to pay attention to this There s something that s been brought to my attention I need to check with you.. You better get this straight.. 4

5 Helpful Practices Role Reversal What are they maybe thinking/feeling? Neutral Observer ask yourself what a 3 rd party watching this might say? Ask yourself What is my contribution to this? Make your observations and thought process public ( You know, when it first happened, I remember thinking and right now I m not sure what the right answer is but I know, it s something I feel we should get out on the table, even if there s no easy answer in sight. ) AND Acknowledge you may have it wrong ( I may be off base here, but let me share with you what I saw and my reaction to it is that fair? Can you see why I reacted the way I did? ) Say I feel.. or I was upset.. vs. you make me Ground your identity * o Become aware of your identity issues o Avoid absolute stances I m a total screw-up ; I m perfect (or I need to be) o Accept the three basics 1. You will make mistakes 2. Your intentions are complex 3. You have contributed to the problem From Difficult Conversations 5

6 Breaking Unproductive Patterns Contrasting Statements I don t want Jeff, What I ve noticed is that every time we start talking about X, we both start shouting and stop listening to each other and I don t want that to happen this time I do want What I d rather see is that we each take turns hearing each other out and keeping our cool throughout Our Unproductive Pattern I Don t Want I Do Want From Crucial Conversations 6

7 When Emotions Get Too High/ Safety is At Risk 1. Step out: Say what s going on It seems like we re both starting to dig our heels in. 2. Make it safe: Apologize if appropriate Contrast what you don t want with want you do want C.R.I.B. a. Commit to win/win I want to stay with this until we find something we re both comfortable with b. Recognize what they want It sounds like what your most concerned about is.. c. Invent a mutual purpose So it seems that we want something that both 3. Step back in: d. Brainstorm strategies OK, so how do we make this happen.. Why don t you start (If emotions flare up again go back to step 1) From Crucial Conversations 7

8 Sample Tough Conversations Talking to a team member who isn t keeping commitments Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior Approaching a boss who is breaking his own safety/quality standards Critiquing a colleagues work Confronting a colleague who is withholding information/resources Giving an unfavorable performance review Talking to a coworker about personal hygiene issues Ending a relationship Asking in-laws to quit interfering Asking a friend to repay a loan Confronting a loved one about addictive/abusive behavior Asking a roommate to move out Resolving custody or visitation issues with a spouse Dealing with a rebellious teen From Crucial Conversations: Tools For talking When Stakes Are High 8

9 Exercising Good Common Sense Never use to deliver constructive feedback or any news people might have a strong negative reaction to (Even voice mail is risky. If they are local, go talk face-to-face. If they are not local, wait until you get them on the phone live. Do not leave a message with your feedback.) Try not to take their feedback personally, remember you are obligated to understand it, but you don t have to agree. Avoid using zingers (indirect comments) e.g. to a person who is late to a meeting Looks like someone needs a new watch! Confront it directly or let it go. Remember, as human beings our first reaction to tough feedback is a jumble of emotions (Surprise, Anger, Resistance, etc.) Pay attention to what s going on inside you so you can better manage your reactions. Your responsible for recognizing and managing your emotions. Others are responsible for recognizing and managing their emotions. You re both responsible for recognizing if you are both ready to talk. And remember: Intent counts more than technique. Process is more important than outcome. 9

CRUCIAL CONVERSATION: TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN STAKES ARE HIGH

CRUCIAL CONVERSATION: TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN STAKES ARE HIGH Patrice Ann McGuire Senior Consultant McGuire Business Partners Sussex, WI patrice@wi.rr.com 414-234-0665 August 8-10, 2018 Graduate School