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1 Is My Partner an Emotionally Abusive Narcissist? Annie Kaszina Ph.D.

2 Is My Partner Really an Emotionally Abusive Narcissist? Have you heard the terms emotional abuse and Narcissism bandied about and thought to yourself, Maybe? But you can t say for sure. Instead, you worry that it might be all your fault. If that sounds like you, then this free report will help you to get clear on what emotional abuse and Narcissism look like in the context of your life. Now, I m guessing that you already know that there is a LOT of information out there. Most of it talks at you, not to you. You work through the information but a part of you is left saying, No. My situation is different. It s not like that. Nobody wants to have to admit to themselves that they are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive Narcissist. That just adds more layers of dif culty to an already difficult situation. I get that. So, here s what I am going to do. Instead of just going to give you list of emotionally abusive behaviors, I am going to explain to you how being in a relationship with an emotionally abusive Narcissist feels. You see, your feelings don t lie. Besides, emotional abusers and Narcissists will tell you that you ve got it all wrong. But the fact is, your experience and your feelings don t lie. When you read through what follows, listen to your heart and gut. That way you will arrive at the right answer for you. So, let s get started with your experience what it feels like when you are around an emotionally abusive Narcissist. Your experience

3 # 1 You feel frustrated because no matter what you do things never get better for very long. You just want your relationship to be happy and loving. You are prepared to work your socks off to make that happen. But it s like the default condition of your relationship is unhappiness. You end up feeling bad and hating yourself for feeling bad. #2 You argue about the same things over and over again. Don t all couple argue about the same things? you might ask. Some do more than others. But, in your case, however an argument starts, your partner always ends up throwing the same old accusations back at you. Those accusations can go back years and years. Nothing is ever forgiven or forgotten. You nd this incredibly frustrating. Especially since you are powerless to change things. #3 Your partner always finds a way to foist blame on you. No matter what he gets angry about, it was always something you did or did not do that caused it. It could even have been the look on your face that he objected to. You end up baffled about how that just happened, how they managed to get from Point A to Point X, blaming you. Then you have to go back over his accusations to see if you can nd any sense in them.

4 #4 Your partner has a range of seriously hurtful things that he says to you. Over and over again. He may say them seriously, or they may be his little jokes. When you object, he tells, at best, that you re too sensitive, that you are overreacting, or that he didn t mean it like that. (In other words, one way or another, it s your fault.) You end up blaming yourself for being too sensitive and feeling bad about that, too. #5 He doesn t have a problem with hurting you. Repeatedly. He says things to you that crush you. Maybe he apologies or maybe he doesn t. However, he says them over and over again knowing full well how much they hurt you. You can t understand how someone who is meant to love can be SO hurtful. The only logical explanation, you tell yourself, is that he must be telling the truth. #6 A lot of the time you live in fear of what he might say or do. It is NOT normal to have to watch your partner s face for signs that you have upset him and he will get angry at you. It is NOT normal to fear your partner. However, you feel like you are constantly under attack. #7 He punishes you. A lot. If he objects to what you say or do, he actually punishes you for this. He may do any, or all, of the behaviors below,

5 Stop talking to you. Withdraw sexually. Demand sex in such a way that you are not happy to comply which means he can then blame you for that. Compare you unfavorably to other people. Tell you how lucky you are to have him and how unlucky he is to be saddled with you. Threaten to leave. None of this is normal, loving behaviour. However, you end up feeling accepting punishment as your normal. In fact, you spend a lot of time punishing yourself for not being good enough. #8 He doesn t like it when you are happy. He doesn t like you spending time with your friends or family. He belittles your achievements in the workplace. He nds fault and/or picks ghts with you when you could be having a nice time. He spoils holidays and time with your own children. You end up feeling frightened when a) things go well, or b) you feel good. You sense that there will always be a heavy price to pay. #9 He can be very jealous without a reason. (Not that there is ever a good reason for jealousy.) Your entire world is meant to revolve around him he s not narcissistic for nothing. Being jealous of anyone, or anything, that has captured your attention is a great way to put himself back centre stage in your world. This is why he resents having to share your attention with his own children.

6 You end up always watching your own behaviour and trying to pre-empt his jealousy. It wears you out but it doesn t work. #10 He can be very cruel. There are just no excuses or justi cations for cruelty. If he had a bad upbringing, that s a shame. But he s not the only one. Nor does that give him a right to behave badly towards you. Words can wound very deeply. He knows that. It s no coincidence that he always nds the words to hurt you deeply. Plus, he tells you that he is the wounded one. You end up confused and feeling like your pain doesn t matter. He never validates your hurt feelings for very long. All of these are just some of the key characteristic behaviors of the emotionally abusive Narcissist. Now let s come right back to you. How your experience affects you If you are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive Narcissist, here s what happens to your feelings. # 1 You become less and less con dent the longer you are with your partner..

7 You doubt yourself and your ability to be good enough at anything that you do. #2 You lose sight of the person you used to be. Sometimes, you look back at how you once were and wonder what on earth happened to that person. #3 You feel anxious and fearful most of the time. You have good cause to be anxious when you are with someone who subjects you to constant blame and fault- nding. But it is not a comfortable way to feel, at all. #4 You feel worthless. You end up believing the things he says about you which are calculated to make you feel very bad indeed. #5 You feel like you are going crazy. He tells you that you are crazy often enough. Since he would have to be crazy to tell you a lie like that, you assume that you probably are going crazy. Besides, since what is going on makes no sense, your craziness might be a fair explanation. Not to mention the fact that the emotional roller-coast you are on feels crazy. #6 You feel like you re living on shifting sands. You have no certainties around your emotionally abusive Narcissist Between his mood-swings and the snap-decisions he makes, you never know where you stand with him. #7 You feel hopeless.

8 You feel that you are in a black hole and you will never be able to get out of it again. #8 You feel horribly alone and ashamed. You feel that what has happened sets you apart from other people. You can t believe that anybody else could have messed up as badly as you have. #9 In the context of your relationship you feel like a complete fool. In other areas of your life, you may be regarded as a very competent, highpowered woman. However, your emotionally abusive Narcissist has managed to make you feel like a fool if you weren t a fool, after all, you would never have got yourself into this mess. #10 You totally lack energy, drive, and motivation. Your emotionally abusive Narcissist has got you believing that you are a waste of space. That belief is hardly likely to fire up your energy, drive, and motivation. #11 You feel depressed and despairing. Well, you would, wouldn t you, when you live in such a miserable relationship? But hold on a minute, the relationship really is MISERABLE. Actually, what that means is that your depressed and despairing feelings are not nice but they are appropriate and normal, given the circumstances. In fact, the circumstances are WEIRD. Not you.

9 CONCLUSION Not your psychological story? If this does not sound like the psychological story of your relationship, then I am truly pleased for you. You obviously have some issues with the relationship or else you wouldn t be reading this. However, you are NOT sharing your life with an emotionally abusive Narcissist. If this is your psychological story. If, on the other hand, this does sound like you, then, just by reading this, you have done something really important. You have faced up to the truth. The truth, it is often said, will set you free. However, the process of setting you free has its painful moments. Owning up to the fact that the relationship that matters so much to you is emotionally abusive can be painful. Still, it s not as if, up until now, you were living a pain-free life. You weren t. Once you accept the truth which, I m sure, you already knew, or sensed at some deep level then you are on your way. You can start to rebuild your self-worth. You can decide what you want for the rest of your life and you can discover the gifts and talents inside yourself that will make it happen. You can move on from the isolation and the shame that have been killing you slowly.

10 You can develop a healthy, loving relationship with yourself. You can reduce your levels of fear, shame, anxiety, uncertainty, unhappiness, and stress until they rarely even cross your mind. These are all real possibilities. They are real possibilities or you, too. Whether you believe it or not, right now. No matter how old you are, or how impossible your life looks right now. Other women who felt just like you have done it. You can, too.

11 What next? Let this be your starting point. What you need to do, going forward, is take baby steps forward. I m not going to join the ranks of coaches, psychologists and writers who order you to grow your self-worth, learn to live yourself, and move on. Yes, what I want for you is to achieve all of that. However, having worked with women just like you for 15 years I understand how easily you can become overwhelmed by the perceived difficulty of the task ahead of you. I also know that you need things broken down for you into small manageable pieces so that you feel able to tackle them even when you are feeling bad. Over the years, I have created a ton of tools and resources the tools and resources that I wish I had had access to when I left my emotionally abusive husband and was at rock bottom. You need to start from where you are with whatever strength you have right now. My weekly e-zine will offer you insights and support. My book, The Woman You Want To Be will take you on a gentle recovery journey. My online courses will walk you through understanding and protecting yourself from emotional abuse for the rest of your life. They have helped thousands of other women. They will help you, too. From where you stand now, the task probably looks quite daunting. I understand that.

12 I also know, from experience, that when you focus on doing the right things and proceeding in a way that works for you, the results you can achieve will amaze you. Right now, there are probably a fair few things that, you tell yourself, you just can t do. With a little bit of healing, you will find that you can do all of that, and more. So, start from where you are. Don t try to do it all alone without some tools and support to help you. And if you want my personal help, then get in touch. Warm wishes for your healing and happiness, Annie

Unhealthy Relationships: Top 7 Warning Signs By Dr. Deb Schwarz-Hirschhorn

Unhealthy Relationships: Top 7 Warning Signs By Dr. Deb Schwarz-Hirschhorn When people have long-term marriages and things are bad, we can work on fixing them. It s better to resolve problems so kids can