Workbook By Claire Hatch, LICSW

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1 Workbook By Claire Hatch, LICSW 2011 Claire Hatch. All rights reserved. Purchasers of Save Your Marriage: Get Rid of Your Resentment may print and store copies of this workbook for their own use. Apart from that, no part of this workbook may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form or by any means; electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior consent of the author; except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, article, book, blog or academic paper.

2 Dear Reader, Good for you for printing out this workbook. You ll get so much more out of the book by actually doing the exercises in writing. You ll find the exercises from Chapter 2 starting on the next page. 1

3 Understand Your Own Cycle of Resentment Now it s time to use the power of writing to reflect on your own side of the cycle. I encourage you to be as honest as you can with yourself. Some of your answers might not be admirable or appropriate. They might not be your final answer but just part of how you work through the issue. Look at your answers as a process of exploration. The more honest you are with yourself, the more thoroughly you ll understand yourself and what you ve been through. 1. Trigger Event Briefly, describe the event that originally upset you. What did your husband do or not do? I feel resentment about: 2. Burning Unmet Desires Think back to the beginning of all this craziness what did you want from your husband? Sometimes your desire might be assumed. For example, if your partner insulted you, your desire for respect was probably violated. But you didn t raise your hand and ask for respect. You just naturally expected it. In that case, you might have to dig a bit more to identify the emotional desire. I realize thinking about emotional desires can be difficult. In my work with couples, the conversations about desires are some of the most tender and delicate. Don t be surprised if it s hard for you to pinpoint a desire, or if it makes you feel emotional. Desires can be hard to recognize because they are such a core part of 2

4 you. And sharing your desires is really giving someone the keys to your heart. Just acknowledging them to yourself can make you feel vulnerable. Make sure to check at least one emotional desire. Concrete Desires Spending one-on-one time together More listening to me Help with the house and the kids A closer relationship with our parents More boundaries with our parents A more active social life Fewer obligations outside the family More help with bringing home income More participation in planning fun things to do Being asked out on a date More romance More sex Better sex List others: 3

5 Emotional Desires To feel: Important Special Connected Accepted Safe Needed Wanted Recognized Admired Respected Taken care of I can count on my partner We learn new things together We have adventures together List others: 4

6 Sometimes people find they can only think of negative desires, such as: I want to show him what it feels like, or I want him to know there are other men who would love to take me out. If this happened for you, that s a sign that your resentment has built up really thick walls between you. You can t even remember the good things you wanted before the resentment took hold of you. Here s a good technique for peeling back the layers and finding your original desire. In the space below, write down your negative desire. Then ask yourself, Why do I want this? Write down your reason. Then look at that reason and ask, And why do I want that? Keep going like this until you uncover what you believe is the positive desire you started out with. 5

7 3. Negative Conclusions What were those snap judgments you made? What interpretations did you make about why your husband didn t give you what you wanted? My husband doesn t care about me the way I want him to. My husband doesn t understand me. My husband is bored with me. My husband is not as (nice, loving, generous, stable) as I thought he was. I have to do all the work around here. We want different things more than I realized. This is the way marriage goes after a few years have gone by. List others: 6

8 Now, I want you to slow down and really look inside yourself before you answer the next question: How much do you believe your negative conclusions now? Maybe you re on the fence, thinking, It sure feels like this is what s going on, but maybe I could be wrong. Go back and write down a % for each of your conclusions to show how true you think it is. 4. Painful Feelings Whatever your conclusions were, they lead to you to have certain feelings. How do you remember feeling? Hurt Irritated Angry Furious Fuming Anxious Afraid Disappointed Discouraged A sense of loss Powerless Ashamed Rejected Upset Alone 7

9 Paralyzed Bitter Confused Hesitant Lost Embarrassed Mistrustful Fatigued Sad Unhappy Desperate Numb Lifeless List others: 8

10 5. Reactions When you felt that way, what did you do about it? Some people work harder to explain what they want and try to persuade their partners to give it to them. Others get angry and strike out. And others play turtle and go into their shells. If you re reluctant to really look at all your reactions, you re not alone. I see this in the couples I work with all the time. We all have some reactions we re not proud of, and it takes courage to be honest about them. But I know it will really help you break down the barriers between you and your husband. How have you talked to your husband and treated him, as a result of your resentment? I try harder to get what I want. I work harder to explain myself and persuade my partner to do what I want. I try to understand what s going on for him. I tell him how hurt I am. I get angry and I express my anger. I get angry and I show it by being grumpy or sarcastic, sometimes even mean. I pull away and withdraw. I give the silent treatment. I work more. I focus on my children more. I figure, these things just happen sometimes in a relationship and I just focus on other things. I confide less in my partner and lean on other friends or family more for support. 9

11 List others: 6. New Desires At this point, you have developed some new desires. The number-one new desire is usually for your husband to really get how much you ve gone through. The more times you go through your cycle, the more likely you are to develop some negative desires, such as retaliation. What are your desires now? I want my husband to understand how much pain I ve gone through. I want my husband to understand that I ve tried hard and have taken emotional risks to resolve this problem. I want my husband to understand I ve felt shut down when I tried to resolve it. I want my husband to know that it s this resentment, and not lack of love, that has made me act the way I ve been acting. I want my husband to understand I m very sad that this has come between us. I want to feel respected and valued. 10

12 I want to feel close again. I want my husband to feel as hurt as I have. I want my husband to apologize to me. I want my husband to know that I won t take this treatment forever and it could be a deal breaker. List others: 11

13 Reflections on Your Answers Did you answer all the questions? That s great. It means you ve taken a big step toward putting all of this behind you. Do you feel some relief already? It can be stressful just to face your own thoughts and feelings, but once you do it s usually a load off. Now, I d like to ask you some questions about what you wrote. Do you think your partner knew you had your burning unmet desire? Does he know about it now? What do you think is the most important thing about your Cycle of Resentment that your husband needs to know? Very often each person s reactions combine to create a negative cycle of their own that keeps the resentment going. Do you see that happening? If so, describe how. What do you see as your own largest contribution to keeping your Cycle of Resentment going? 12

14 If you could rewind the clock, what would you have done differently? Please make a note of any other thoughts you have that you think are important. Congratulations! You ve done a lot of work. You ve finished the written exercises in this book. Now, go back to the book and read Chapter 3. 13

Emotional Triggers. A Workbook helping you uncover the truth of your emotions!

Emotional Triggers. A Workbook helping you uncover the truth of your emotions! Emotional Triggers A Workbook helping you uncover the truth of your emotions! Introduction Ever felt like maybe your emotions get the better of you? Like more times than not you regret your reactions to