Term Definition Introduced in:

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1 Simple Scripts for Problems at Work Key Terms Term Definition Introduced in: Aggressive Assertive Typically displaying the behavior or tendency to make his own feelings paramount and willing to hurt feelings and break ties to serve self; individual is often brash and abbrasive particularly in a conflict Module 1 Confident and expressive, this learned conflict style equally regards the feelings of others and self; typically an individual with self-esteem and does not engage in conflict needlessly Module 1 Body Language Gestures and physical movement used to consciously and unconsciously communicate with others Module 5 Empathy Understanding the complaint with no interest in either agreeing or disagreeing, but instead acknowledging emotion(s) Module 3 Escalate Elevate an issue or complaint to an individual or body that has greater authority than you Module 2 Generation A group that shares similar experiences, ideas and culture due to the period in which they were born Module 2 Inflection Stress on sounds and words Module 5 Pace The rate with which you deliver speech Module 5 Passive Passive Aggressive Typically displaying the behavior or tendency to regard others feelings as paramount and lacks active display of negative feelings or emotions; individual is often quiet and walked over Module 1 Typically displaying the behavior or tendency toward negative feelings, resentment, and/or aggression in an unassertive passive way; examples include stubbornness and procrastination Module 1 Pitch The highness or lowness of a speaker's voice Module 5 Sympathy Involves agreeing with some aspect of the other person s feelings or beliefs, and may even involve accepting blame Module 3 Tone A mood and sound conveyed by the way you stress a phrase or deliver words Module 5 Work ethic An attitude that impacts quantity, quality, and efficiency of work performed Module 2 Glossary Page 1

2 SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE ONE STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF Module One Standing Up For Yourself. Now we know the biggest challenge at work is communication. It s being able to get the information that you have out in a way that s comfortable for others to hear. Now unfortunately, I ve found that I wasn t born a great communicator. And I thought I was unusual, different, strange. I thought I was the only one that had never learned these skills. And what was interesting is as I become a professional trainer, I come to find out many people have never learned these skills. See, I thought people were born great communicators, and I thought I was just one of the few that didn t get that gene. The reality is we re either born one of two ways as a communicator. The most effective way, we must learn. You re not born an effective communicator. It s a learned skill. So what do you do if you didn t learn it? Well, if you didn t get the gene, you ve got to learn it. And since none of us got the gene, we all have to learn it. So let s break down communication into specific components. First, you re either born as an aggressive communicator or a passive communicator. You can tell. In children, they either want to go out and speak, or they tend to be a little bit more shy. Of course the person that s going out there is more aggressive; the person standing back is more shy. Now as we re born this way, we tend to resort back to this when we don t have a different pattern or we don t have a more effective pattern. So let s identify what each of those are. The aggressive communicator tends to walk on others rights. They get their needs met at all cost. It s all about me-focused. Me, me, me, me, me. So if we were to use an example, let s say that we ve got an office worker, Sue. And she s in her Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 1

3 office and she s got a problem. One of her colleagues listens to music in his cube and it s WAY too loud. She s upset by it because she s under stress and she s got an important deadline. She can t focus because the music is too loud. So Sue yells over the cube, Hey, turn that down! Are you deaf, or just dumb? This is a business! The music turns off abruptly. And the outcome of this exchange? Well, see Sue gets her needs met the fact that she needs it quiet. But she s been very aggressive in doing it. She didn t consider the needs of the other person who had the music on. And this is an aggressive type of communication. The second type of communication is passive. A passive person is quieter. They re often going to hide their true feelings. They tend to compromise frequently just to keep the peace, and they work to avoid conflict and often avoid dealing with a situation just to avoid an argument. Often they withdraw and act helpless. Now these folks that are passive communicators, they tend to get walked on. They tend to let others take advantage of them, and they tend to become sometimes a little bit of a victim. They violate their own rights. So if Sue we re going to use the example of Sue again. If Sue was to be a passive communicator in the same example, instead of yelling over the cubicle, what she might do is just be quiet. She wouldn t say anything. She s upset and she s got an important deadline, and she can't focus. But she s not going to say anything. She doesn t want to hurt anybody s feelings. So she just pouts in her cube, figuring out you know, what can she do? She tries to tune it out. When that doesn t work, she figures she deserves whatever reprimand the supervisor gives her because she couldn t get her work done. You know, the Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 2

4 outcome here is Sue didn t get her needs met. She got walked on, and she accommodated her colleague at her own expense. And here s what s worse, is the colleague didn t even know that she was accommodating them. This is a passive type of behavior. Now oftentimes people will fall into the role of being passive aggressive where they flip-flop between the two. And a passive aggressive behavior tends to never be outright abrupt or direct about their needs. They tend to go around somebody s back. So they often get walked on, and then they try to get even behind somebody s back. The reality is a passive aggressive person nobody s needs get met. They tend to ask innocent questions, they ll be late, they ll accidentally lose or forget something. Their attitude is if I can t get what I want, you shouldn t get what you want, either. And it s really a lose-lose situation. A lot of times they ll say yes when they really mean no. And it really becomes a very frustrating situation because it doesn t really solve anything. So if we go back to our example of Sue, if Sue was a passive aggressive person, the next time the music is jumping in the cube next door, she doesn t say anything. She ll be a little grumpy and people can tell she s bothered, but she denies. No, no I m fine. She said she just didn t sleep well, but in reality, she s obsessing about the music all day. So the next morning, in order to get even Sue might bring in a CD something like American Idol Worst Editions Ever, and then play it at the top of the decibel level as she can all day. But lunchtime, the entire department is mumbling. See, the passive aggressive person never addresses really the problem. They just try to get even, and no one really understands what s going on. It s not a very effective communication style. All these Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 3

5 communication styles are win-lose or lose-lose styles. They really don t work. The reality is none of us are born with a style that truly does work. It s a style we have to learn. And that style is called assertive communication. See, assertive communication has the expressed feeling that we are equally entitled to express ourselves. I am confident about who I am. I realize I have choices and I consider my options. I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point. I m 100 percent responsible for my own happiness. And I respect the rights of others. In assertive communication sorry. An assertive communicator is expressive. They express their needs and they allow others to express their needs. They respect the needs of others as well as respecting their own needs. They re confident, open, and consequently they can be highly productive because they re able to find out what s happening, get to the bottom, and create a solution. Now there s a basic script for assertive communication. We re going to go over that script. The script sounds something like this. I feel... and then blank. Fill in how you feel. When you... fill in what they re doing. Because I think... and then fill in what you think about it. What I would like is... and then you fill in what the request is. So a simple script like this it s not very difficult, it s easy to use, and it fits so many circumstances. You can use this with your spouse, you can use it with your children, you can use it with your coworkers, you can use it with your boss any time you need to address a difficult situation, this simple script is very, very effective. So let s use an example. Let s say you re frustrated when you get up because I m sorry. You re frustrated when a coworker of yours gets up and leaves when you re in the middle of a sentence. So you might Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 4

6 say something like, I feel frustrated when you just get up and leave when we re talking because I think you re not interested in what I m saying. What I d like for you to do is to listen and wait till I m done speaking before you leave. Very sample script. Now let s go apply that to Sue. So Sue s got this music thumping in her cube mate in the cube next to her, and she s got to figure out what to do. So she goes over there, she writes her script out real quick, and she says to her cube mate, I feel distracted and stressed about my workload when you have your music turned up so loud, because I think, well I can t think. And I m not going to be able to meet my deadlines. What I d like is for you to turn the music down so I can t hear it and focus on what I need to get done. Sue s neighbor would most likely apologize, because they had no idea the music was a problem. He thought everyone in the department liked it, and that s why he turned it up so loud. See, as an assertive communicator, we re able to respect our rights to communicate our needs, but we re also able to respect the rights of other people without walking on them or accommodating them by getting walked on ourselves. Now assertive communication means we need to stand our ground. But the reality is we re going to slip up from time to time, and that s okay. So we ve just got to keep practicing until we can get this straight. We re going to go through many more examples today so that you truly can get this. So first, let s take a look at some general rules of thumb. First of all, focus on the issue not the person. If the issue is about tasks, focus on the facts and the goals of the task. If the problem is about people, instead of focusing on the person directly, focus on the process the emotions, but not the person. For example, if somebody Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 5

7 worked in a doctor s office and a patient came in at the wrong time for an appointment, you know the patient was wrong. He was supposed to be there at a different time. But the patient think s you re wrong. The patient thinks you gave him the wrong appointment time. It doesn t really matter who made the error, does it? See, regardless of who s at fault, the issue is that it needs to get resolved. So you want to focus on the solution and not the problem. The second one is you want to focus on the interests, not the position. And the interest is okay, what s going to help make the solution not my position that I m right and you re wrong, or your position that you re right and I m wrong. We want to focus on the interest. And of course focus on the benefits. So instead of just saying, well you need to this because I said so no. What s the benefit to the person of doing what you re asking them? Let them know what the benefit is so that they understand it. Now of course you also want to use I statements. And I statements are statements where you are talking about how YOU feel. I think, I feel, I see, things with I. Now when you say you statements, you re too loud, your music this can come off accusatory and create a defensive mode. So you want to be very, very careful. In standing your ground, one of the most difficult situations at work that I often hear about is having to say no to your boss. So let s look at this scenario. I mean it can be quite scary. I mean think about it your boss has hired you to do a job, and oftentimes I know when I was asked to do a job, I almost was afraid that if I said no, my boss might look down on me. He might think that I m insubordinate, that I don t want to do the work that he s asked me to do. And it s important that we understand saying no, there s some Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 6

8 boundaries. We have to know when to say yes and what s acceptable, and when to say no. I mean sometimes you might even think no is going to work against your career goals, and that you might get passed by on a promotion. But see, a lot of times bosses love to see people that know limits that know what to say yes to, and what to say no to. So let s take an example here. Let s say Angie is an administrative assistant in a busy office. She s already juggling large projects with tight deadlines while also covering the phones for a coworker, Nick, who is taking sick leave. It s lunchtime on Wednesday, and she s eating a sandwich at her desk trying to catch up on her work. Robert, her boss, approaches and says, Angie, with Nick out I need you to reorganize this customer database. I know it s a big project, but you can handle it. I need it done by noon on Friday. No exceptions. Now Angie might begin to panic at the thought of more work. She s already taken on way too much. She s overwhelmed. Should she dare say no? You see, as an employee, you ve been hired to get the work done. You might already use your positive self-talk and be reliable that you re motivated and you can do it, but the reality is you just might not have the bandwidth. You have to be realistic with what you can and what you can t do. And it s not negative as long as you re saying it s based on rational, real, reasoning. So let s look at some reasons on why it s appropriate it might be appropriate for Angie to say no, and let s walk through the process. First, let s ask does she have the skill to do a good job? And she may or may not. Does she already have the other assignments that she has to get done? Can she delegate some of that work to someone else to do that assignment? And see, if Angie can t realistically say yes Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 7

9 to each of these, it may be in her best interest to say no, because is it better to say yes and do something incomplete, haphazardly, or even late? Or is it better to say no, and admit that you don t have the bandwidth, that you re not able to do it? See, I will tell you having worked with many managers, they d rather hear their employees say no and explain why they can t do it, because then they can get somebody else to take it on who WILL do it. There s nothing worse than giving a project to someone, having them tell you they re going to do it, and then not getting it done. So let me give you an example here. What Angie might say is, Robert, my schedule won t allow me to give the project the attention it deserves to complete by Friday at noon. I d rather decline than do a mediocre job. Do you think there s anyone else who might be able to do it? Or could you help me put one of these other projects on the back burner so I can get this done? Now imagine if you were a manager and your employee told you this. How would you feel? I d feel relieved. I d feel appreciative that they let me know that they don t have the bandwidth to get it done. This allows me now as a manager to find someone else who can get it done, and she s even helping me by asking me those questions to think, who else can do it? She just didn t say no. She said no, and let me help you find someone else. So let s go through the script of saying no to the boss. It starts with explaining the situation. And you want to focus on the facts. Explain why you re declining, and ask about alternatives. So in Angie s case, she said, My schedule won t allow me to give the project the attention it deserves by Friday at noon. This is a fact. She s got too much work. She can t fit it in. So she says I d rather decline than do a Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 8

10 mediocre job. Number three, it says, Do you think there s anyone else who might be able to do it? Or could you help me put one of these projects on the back burner so I can get yours done? See, she s helping to ask about alternatives very important. Now here s some tips for saying no. Start with fact-based no s. See, notice that Angie said no up front. This prevents her from sounding defensive. If she had started off explaining why she was saying no before she actually said it, her boss might think she was just making excuses. And Robert might have stood there thinking of ways to shoot down Angie s objections before she could ever say a firm no. So it s important that you start with the no. And Angie could have easily said, No, Robert. Unfortunately I can t take this on. And then gone on further to give more complete of a no. Now of course if your no is constructive and considerate of your boss s needs, it steers them towards another solution. See, Robert wasn t let down by Angie s no. Instead, he was helped by it. She was honest and up front, and she offered alternatives. So it s important that as you are saying no to your boss that you do offer additional alternatives to allow them to consider other ways that you can help them out. And this may not be the only way. So by being able to be assertive and to say what you mean without being mean with what you say, you re going to be able to get your point across in saying no to your coworkers as well as no to your boss. [End of recording.] Simple Scripts Module 1 Page 9

11 SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE TWO SPEAKING WITH CONFIDENCE Module number two Speaking with Confidence. Let s start looking at some other examples here. Let s take, for example the lazy coworker. It s frustrating if you work with someone who takes two hour lunch breaks, who makes dozens of personal calls, who naps in their chair or maybe someone who s frequently at the restroom or surfs the web all day. And you re there working and hustling to get your work done, and maybe their additional workload is ending up on your desk because they re just not getting their work done. It can be extremely frustrating, and this is a challenge to communicate. So let s take a look at what exactly we can say to handle this situation. It starts with having a plan. That plan is going to have five steps. First, we want to determine its effects on you. Next, we want to decide what you want. Third, we want to decide what to say. Fourth, we want to address the issue. And fifth, we want to determine the next steps. So let s go over each and every one of those individually. So step number one is, how does it affect you? And I ask you to consider this because I remember years ago as a manager, I had one employee that no matter what anybody did, she would come running to me and tell me. Did you know Joe did this? Did you know Sue did this? Did you know Sam did this? And as a manager, I almost felt like saying you re not in fifth grade anymore. Please stop tattling on every one of your employees and focus on your job. See, she was always behind on her projects. She wasn t able to get her work done, but she was so busy focusing on everybody else s. So I want you to consider, how does this affect you? And here s a real life example. When I was in the corporate Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 1

12 world, I was working for a very large company. And I had a coworker that almost inevitably took two hour lunches. I heard him doing several personal calls a day. And they always seem to be just putzing. They weren t getting their work done. And I got frustrated because I would think, you know, I m getting in here, I get my work done, I get everything done, but they re always getting praised. How is that? You know, Joe does a great job on this. Joe does a great job on that. What I didn t know and I only found this out after talking to my manager was that this individual, Joe, came in at 6:30 and left at 6:30 came in at 6:30 AM and would leave at 6:30 PM every single day. They would come in on weekends. See, this individual had the free time. They didn t mind spending 12 hour days, even though they were only productive for probably eight of those hours. They were still getting their work done on time, high quality. They would also come in on weekends if necessary. Now they didn t move very fast, but they always met their deadlines. Their work was quality. And to me, it was frustrating because I m the type of person who when I m working, I m working. And to me, it felt like they weren t working. But they were still meeting their objectives. And I challenge you to consider that, because in today s work environment, we have four generations in the workplace. And two of those generations do not have the same work ethic that the other two have. And if you happen to be in one of those generations that has a strong work ethic that says, I work, I get this done and you re sitting next to or working with coworkers that happen to have a little different form of work ethic now don t get me wrong. The other generations get their work done. They just don t get it done in the same way. They may get eight Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 2

13 hours more of work done in six hours and spend the other two hours doing something else. So it s important to understand are they meeting their objectives? And sometimes it s easy to get caught into a busybody mode, that we re expecting what everybody else is doing and we forget to focus on our own. So if this isn t affecting you, I want you to ask yourself the question, do I really, does this really need to be addressed? If it s not affecting you, if it s not affecting the business, and it s more of just an annoyance and an irritation, maybe that s something we need to check within ourselves and ask the question, why is it bothering me? Because if they re getting their work done and they re meeting their objectives, and they re doing it, why should it bother us if they take 12 hours to do it or eight hours to do it or six hours to do it? What s really important? And I will tell you, one generation feels that putting the hours is more important than what you accomplish. So you do have to be careful with that. Many generations or the latter two generations feel that as long as I m getting the objective done, it doesn t matter how long I take. And if I choose to take 12 hours, that s my issue. So we need to be respectful of other people s styles. And this starts with asking yourself, how does this affect you? Because step number two is what do you want? If it s frustrating and I used to sit next to somebody who did this. It was frustrating to me to hear them on the phone on personal calls. It was frustrating. I didn t think it was fair. And what I found out is life isn t fair. And it s unfair, but sometimes there s nothing I can do about the fact that it s unfair. The only thing I can do is manage myself. I can manage my results. I can manage what I do, and I have no responsibility what other people do. So sometimes we Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 3

14 want to have words for things that maybe we just don t need words for. So I want to ask yourself these questions. Do you want someone to know about it? And if so, why? Do you want it to be fair? Reality is it probably won t be. Do you want them to do the work? Well, that would be good, but isn t that really their manager s responsibility in many cases? And if you are the manager, well then that does affect you and you do have a situation there to deal with. And lastly, do you want to not have to do their work? And if you re in a position where you re having to do their work, then this directly affects you. Now you have a specific reason to address this with your manager or potentially their manager, but certainly with them. So let s take a look at step number three. If it is affecting you, you ve got an issue, it s time to address it. So you have to decide what to say. We have to start by identifying what is the problem. The problem isn t that you re irritated, because that s your challenge. But the problem is that by them coming in late, not completing their assignment, it creates more work for you. That s the problem. So we need to be very specific in identifying what is the problem. And it has to be a behavior not an attitude. Attitudes are very difficult to change for people. Behaviors are very easy. So we want specific behavior when you arrive at 9:00 and leave at 4:30, not completing your tasks, it forces me to do additional work. And that s how specific we want to get. We want to be able to pinpoint the specific behaviors that this person is doing. And then of course, we re going to ask for the resolution. So let s go back to our simple script. I feel; when you; because I think; what I would like is. So it might be something our script might sound something like, I feel frustrated when you Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 4

15 leave early, leaving me to finish the project by myself, because I think that you re not doing your fair share. What I would like is for you to stay and finish the project with me so that I don t have to stay over. Very simple script. You need to just fill in the words. And practice this and rehearse it, and decide what you re going to say and how you re going to say it so that you feel comfortable addressing it with the individual. Now of course in step number four, you have to address the issue. You need to be calm and collected and remember what you want. We don t want to fight to be right. That s often the booby prize in life, I ve come to find out. We want to fight for them to do what is necessary, what is needed for you not to have to do the extra work. And that s really the situation that we re talking about. Now of course once you address it, what do you do if it continues? What if they ignore your request? What if just simply won t do their fair share? Now what do you do? Well, now we re going to have to escalate it. Escalating it is never fun. I certainly don t like to have to approach a boss about this. But when done professionally, when done in the appropriate way with the appropriate tone and body language, you re going to be able to communicate these words and get your situation resolved. So a couple of steps in escalating a situation: First is make sure to be fact based, not emotion based. We want to be careful not to go in there and say, you know what? I m just so mad at Joe. I can t believe it. The guy is an idiot. He s on the phone all the time completely frustrating me. This type of language, the boss is going to see YOU as the problem, potentially as a complainer, and not the individual, Joe. So we need to state facts. Be specific. Mention that you ve asked for change, and ask for Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 5

16 assistance. So something like this might be appropriate. Boss, Joe left at 4:50 for the last three days. By him leaving early, the XYZ project has fallen behind substantially. I ve asked him to stay longer to complete his work, but he continues to leave early, putting the project more behind. Can you address this issue with him? Very straightforward. Now oftentimes this manager, if I m approached this way, I will quickly get on to the situation, because it s clear to me what the problem is. You need to be clear to your manager, to the boss, to the appropriate executive individual to be able to resolve the issue. Now of course, they may choose not to resolve it. They may choose not to take responsibility. But here s the script and the words to help YOU get the best possible results. Now of course to be even more effective, avoid words like um, uh, try, if, maybe, hope, wish. These are all very, very weak words that reduce your strength and your power, your confidence. In order to increase your confidence, here s a small little tip. Take a three-second break before you speak. So when someone asks you a question or someone is speaking, when they re finished, take a threesecond break. Just count to three in your head 1, 2, 3 and then answer. You ll look like you ve been thinking about the answer. You ll seem more poised. You ll seem more confident. And you ll often get a much better result. Now of course rehearse what you re going to say. You want to be confident. You want to be calm. You want to be in control. If you re not used to using the script, it s going to take you a little bit to get used to it. But the interesting thing is once you ve used the script four, five, six, seven times, it ll come out as if it s second nature. It will almost be as if you re so used to saying it, there s no question that Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 6

17 these are your words. And it just takes a little bit. Remember, these are just words. These are just scripts. And these scripts do work, but you have to be able to have those words ready, because certainly you don t want to have a 3X5 card in your pocket and say, oh wait a minute. Let me read the words. You re probably not going to have time for that. So the more you use these words and the easier the more you read the script over and over again, the easier it becomes. In the beginning, it s going to take some time, though, just like anything you learned. You re going to not know what you don t know in the beginning. And then eventually through conscious effort, you re going to be able to have these words right at the tip of your tongue. And the more they say them excuse me. The more YOU say them, the easier they re going to be, and the quicker they re going to fall out of your mouth, and the more natural they re going to sound. I guarantee you, the first couple of times you say them, you re going to be like, those aren t my words. They don t even sound like me. But the more you say them, the easier they re going to flow, the more they re going to sound like you, and four, five, 10, 15 times later, you re going to own those words. But what do you do if you re not getting heard in a conversation? What if you re saying some things and it just doesn t seem to be sinking in with the person? Well, let s look at some specific words and phrases that you can use to get heard when having a conversation. Now this could be in a group conversation; this could be in an individual conversation. But sometimes we just need some words to say, hey, I m here. My voice matters. So let me give you a couple of these. One is, I understand and I d like to share my thoughts. You want to agree with Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 7

18 them first, and then take them to where we want to go. Or maybe it s, I disagree, and here s why. Or maybe you don t feel like you re conveying your idea, so maybe something like, I feel like I m not conveying this idea well. Let me state this in another way. Or, I d like you to hear me out one more time. Or maybe something, being direct might be the solution. You know, when I discuss my thoughts and ideas with you, I feel like you re tuning me out. Is this the case? If so, how can I communicate my ideas more effectively? See, sometimes we have to ask for help in getting our voice heard. And if we re not getting our voice heard, these are very specific ways that you can say that. And by using these tips as well as pausing for the three seconds, you re going to be more confident. You re going to be seen as a higher professional, and you re going to be able to get your voice heard. [End of recording.] Simple Scripts Module 2 Page 8

19 SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE THREE HANDLING CRITICISM Module number three Handling Criticism. Being criticized is certainly never fun. I remember being called into my boss s office and receiving a very, very negative review. It almost felt like he was attacking me verbally. I mean I felt it was a horrible feeling. And sometimes you just want to defined yourself. You just want to attack back. You just want to get aggressive. And certainly none of that truly works. And if you don t have a plan for how to react, our natural instincts often kick in, which means we often either go aggressive and we attack the fight instinct, or we go passive and we use the flight instinct and we run away. An assertive person takes time to evaluate the criticism, understand whether it really is appropriate, and decides what to do about it. But that means we have to stay in control and we have to have a plan. So it starts with knowing what to avoid. And you want to avoid attacking back. You want to avoid getting emotional and certainly above all, you need to avoid blaming. Blaming is the most common reaction that we have as individuals, is when someone attacks us, we either want to blame somebody else for it, or blame the individual who s attacking us. Either way, it doesn t work. So it s important that we do walk through these steps and that we understand how to control our own emotions, but most certainly how to respond back when someone does criticize is, because see, our interests are as important as everyone else s. So the flight doesn t necessarily get us the best results. Although it may keep the peace for a short period of time, it certainly does not give us the answers that we re looking for. So when handling criticism, we want to start with the mentality of what can I learn? So when you hear Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 1

20 someone saying something negative, there s probably a little bit of truth to what they re saying. Now they might be completely skewed. And there might be only a small ounce to their five pounds that they re espousing. But it s important that we do have an attitude or mentality of what can I learn. And certainly when we are criticized, our natural instinct is to deflect. In this case, as an assertive person, we want to stop. We want to seek to understand first. And instead of backing off and running as a passive person would do, we want to stay engaged and listen. As hard as that can be, especially when what we re being criticized has maybe some resonance of truth with us, we don t always want to hear that. I know certainly I don t like hearing it. And I don t know too many people who do like being criticized. So we need to stay engaged in order to be able to really understand the truth of the complaint. So let s walk through the four steps of handling the complaint. This is specifically true with handling a customer complaint. So let s look at these. First is listen and empathize, then clarify, then respond, and then check back. So let s start with listening and empathizing. When we re listening, this is especially true if we re person to person, belly to belly in person. We want to look at the person. We want to lean forward. We want to use listening noises like uh-huh, um-hmm, yeah, okay, and nod as appropriate. This will help them to see that we re not getting defensive. The natural reaction of people is when you get defensive, they get defensive. It s like a reflection of whatever you do is what they tend to do. So you need to lead in these situations. If you become a follower, you re going to end up following their negativity and it s going to end up very, very ineffective for everybody involved. Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 2

21 So you have to lead in these situations, and it starts with being empathetic, and it starts with listening effectively. Now the next step, don t take it personally. Stay calm. The way to stay calm we like to say don t take it personally, and that s QTIP, Quit Taking It Personal. I used to have a QTIP taped to my computer to remind me it s not about me. Now this is especially true if you work in a call center. If you happen to be the person that gets the complaints on a regular basis, they would have complained to whoever answered the phone. Now sometimes it s tough not to take it personally, especially if what they re saying is about you and what you ve personally done. We have to remember, though, it s business. We re talking about business. And it s about getting the job done. Of course we all have emotions. We all have emotions we have to deal with. But if the project wasn t done correctly, it s about the project not being done correctly. It s not about you being a bad person. It s simply about the behavior getting addressed. I want to take a moment and remind you that not everybody you speak with is going to be trained on how to communicate assertively. That means some are going to be aggressive, and some are going to be passive. And some are even going to be passive aggressive, and those are the hardest to deal with. So you want to remember in your communication that you have to be just a little bit better to compensate for their lack of communication, because remember, most people haven t been properly trained in how to communicate. We learn it through our parents. We learn it through our teachers. And if they didn t teach us assertive communication, and many of them didn t know it themselves, that these folks that we re dealing with haven t learned it. So we Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 3

22 have to give them a little bit of leniency. Number two, we want to remember they have a right to complain. Everyone has an opinion and everyone has a voice. It s just like noses. And they re going to complain. Just because they re complaining doesn t mean they re right or they re wrong, but they do have the right to complain. So number three is listen for what the problem is. Sometimes when people complain, what they re complaining about isn t really the problem. They re complaining about other things. And you have to listen hard to find out what the problem really is. And then again, remember pause two to three seconds before responding. This will help you to digest it, help you not to become upset, because have you ever responded too quickly and then said, ooh, I shouldn t have said that? If you get in the habit of pausing even just a couple of seconds, number one, you won t interrupt people. But number two, it will allow you to stay calmer and more collected and give you just a few seconds to think before you respond. Now we ve got to understand empathizing versus sympathizing. A lot of times, we sympathize and think we re empathizing. That s not really the case. Sympathy means that we involve agreeing with some aspect of the other person s feelings or beliefs, and it may even involve accepting blame. So it s important that we don t accept blame especially in the case of a customer. This could get us into legal situations that we wouldn t want to have to deal with. So it s important that we do empathize. Empathize means understanding the complaint with no interest in either agreeing or disagreeing, but instead acknowledging their emotions. So let me give you an example here. Sympathy might be, aw, that s terrible. I feel so bad that we gave you the wrong Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 4

23 prescription. Could you imagine if a pharmacist said that? That s got lawsuit stamped all over it. Now of course I m not an attorney and I can t give you legal advice, but what I can tell you is when you empathize, you protect yourself from agreeing with a possible problem. So empathy might be, oh, I see that you re upset. Tell me what happened. We re acknowledging the emotion, but not taking any blame or responsibility for what has happened. So let s take a look at a few phrases and a few scripts you might want to use here when empathizing. The first one might be, I see that you are, It seems like you are, or You appear. And all of these would be great empathetic phrases to use when empathizing with a client. Now step number two is we have to clarify what happened. We have to find out what s going on. Say the customer s extremely upset. Something s gone wrong. We have to find out the facts, because a lot of times, they re going to be emotional. There s going to be challenges. They are not articulating clearly especially when emotions are involved. So we want to use open ended questions to let them talk. Let them articulate and get it out. See, when they re getting it out, when you want them to get it out, use open ended questions. This allows them to talk. This gives them permission. Now of course the pros of open ended questions is it develops trust. The cons are it can be time consuming. So be aware of that. What can also happen is if you need to close down the questions and move them forward to the next step, you want to ask closed ended questions. Is there anything else? Are you sure that s everything? This is used as a silencer. It can silence them. But you have to be careful because if you use closed ended questions, it can actually add fuel to the Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 5

24 fire. It can make them more upset, because now they feel like their voice is not being heard. So you need to start with open ended questions and slowly draw them down to closed with closed ended questions. And this balance of open ended and closed ended questions will help them to feel heard and as if they re really getting a procedural justice, if you may. So step number three is responding. And it s responding to the information they ve given you. There s two levels you can respond. One is level one, you can offer a solution. If you have the ability and it s within your realm, offer them a solution. But if you can t, then you can possibly take them to level two, which is to refer them to the person who can help. But make sure the next step is made. In other words, make sure they get to someone who really can help them. Don t just pass the buck and put them on someone else s voice mail and hope somehow, some way, that other person is going to help them. That s really not what we mean. The next step is check back with them. Does that sound like a reasonable solution? Are you comfortable with that as a solution? You need to get them to say yes to the solution you ve proposed. There s nothing worse than someone giving you a solution and you not really liking it. So this point gives them a chance to say yeah, that makes sense. Now they ve bought into your solution and now you can move forward with what needs to get done. So let s review those steps again. Step number one is to listen and empathize. Step number two is to clarify. Step number three is to respond. And step number four is to check back to make sure your solution is appropriate. If we look at customers and applying this to the customer, see whether you re an office manager, a receptionist, a CEO, Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 6

25 customers are the lifeblood of your business. It costs you six times as much to find a new customer as it does to maintain a good relationship with the current customers. And folks, that s a lot of money. It s imperative, then, that you do all you can to keep your existing customers happy. And to give you the very best service at all times, you want to think of your customers as the people who sign your paychecks. And by using this four step process, you would be able to handle customer complaints more effectively. You would be able to keep them from going over the top and getting all red-faced and angry. And you ll be able to do it in a way that keeps you in control and is professional. So let s review a sample script here. Now of course you re going to have to do your own based on the type of challenges that your customers give you. But here s a sample one you might want to use as a guideline. Step number one, listen and empathize. So it might be something like, I see you re upset your phone is not making calls. Step number two is clarify. When did this problem start? How long has this problem been occurring? Step number three is respond. It sounds like your phone has a faulty battery. What I can do is send you a new battery. Step number four is check back. Does that sound reasonable? And this would be the process. Now of course there s going to be some customer conversation between this, and some pauses. But this is the general script that you would use to handle a complaint from a customer. Now every now and then you might have to deal with a customer that is just over the top. We ve all had them. Any of us who have ever dealt with customers know every now and then, you get the customer that is just over the top upset, mad, angry, and they just start using Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 7

26 language that s just absolutely inappropriate. So let s take a look at how to handle that language. You re going to have to use what I call the abusive language script. Here s how the script goes. Remember, we re using assertive communication. We re using I statements. We re focusing on the problem and we re asking for solutions. So it goes something like this. Sir, it is difficult for me to hear what you re saying when you use that language. Please refrain from cursing so that I can hear you better. If you continue, I will need to terminate or end this call. Very simple script. This allows you to be able to address it. It s straightforward. We re not yelling at them. We re not being aggressive and attacking them. We re not being passive and sitting back and allowing them to speak to us in a manner that s inappropriate. So by being able to put these simple steps together, you re able to use the simple script to be able to handle the criticism and be able to have the confidence that you need to resolve any customer issues. [End of recording.] Simple Scripts Module 3 Page 8

27 SIMPLE SCRIPTS MODULE FOUR MANAGING EMOTIONS Module number four Managing Emotions. What s interesting is no matter how many scripts I give you, if you can t manage your emotions, what ends up happening is you lose those scripts. Have you ever had it happen to you where you re getting upset, you know exactly what you want to say, you ve kind of prepared it, you get in the heat of the moment, you get completely upset, you can t even think straight, and things come flying out of your mouth that you never even thought you wanted to say? I remember when I was terminated from my first job, and it was so unfair. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I had prepared it. And I got so mad, words four letter words came flying out of my mouth left and right, and before you knew it, I ended up getting fired. And I should have never been fired, but it was because of my own anger. I couldn t control my emotion. Years later I found out that when we get upset, our IQ drops by about 40 percent. Now I ll tell you, personally I think my IQ drops significantly more than that because I can t think when I get upset. It s horrible. And that s what happened. So we ve got to be able to control our emotions in order to communicate effectively. And that really starts with being able to deflect the anger and the impatience. It s not feeding in to what s happening. And part of this is recognizing the bait. The bait is when someone says something that ticks you off, that pushes your hot button. We ve got to know where our own hot buttons are and how to protect ourselves. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Say, for example, Linda comes in and she says, Good morning, David. How are you? And David says, Hi, Linda. Can you believe it? That s bait. He s trying Simple Scripts Module 4 Page 1

28 to pull you into something right there. Now Linda, if she d not cautious, watch what happens. She says, Believe what? And here David goes. That about the Simpson project. Now I m going to have to do all this extra work and it s not my job. Promotions is getting off scot free when I have to do all the work. And believe me, this kind of thing rolls downhill, if you get what I mean. You re going to be buried, too. He just baited her again with you re going to be buried, too. If Linda s not careful, she s going to respond to this, and he s going to take her down with him. And they re both going to be upset. So the key is you ve got to find the good. How can you find the good in what s happening? How can you find the positive in order not to be taken down with this bait? Because as soon as you take the bait, it ends up fueling the fire, you re getting frustrated, they re getting frustrated, it s a lose-lose situation. So let s take a look at fueling the fire. Linda makes the mistake, she says, Oh my God, that s unbelievable. I ve got so much on my plate it s ridiculous already. David says, Man, I hear you. Linda says, And now there ll be more? Let Jenny in Promotions handle her own problems. David says, Yeah, they re so lazy. They have no idea what it s like to work on this side of the building. And Linda says, Will we get any extra money for the extra work? And David says, No, of course not. And before you know it, they re both frustrated. They re both upset and no solution is being solved. They re focusing on the problem and not the solution. So let s look at a better way to handle that. Let s say option number two is to minimize the damage. So Linda recognizes there s bait that s been thrown out. So now, instead of getting emotional and getting wrapped up in the emotions, she looks at Simple Scripts Module 4 Page 2

29 the logic and tries to find the good. So the logic is, the Simpson project is a lot of work. The boss picked you to do it? She must really like your work. She finds a positive there. David says, Yeah, she really likes that I won t say no. And Linda says, Oh, you re dependable. That s what we re supposed to be. Good job there. She s finding the positive. Notice she s not taking the bait. She s not going down that path with David. David says, Yeah, um thanks. Linda says, I appreciate you warning me. I will make sure I m ready for the project. We ll do a great job on it. We better get to it. David says, True. It s going to be so much work. Linda says, It will sure look good on our resumes. David says, Geez, you re perky this morning. Linda says, You should see me in the afternoon. See, she pulled him out of it. She didn t allow this to become a big issue. And oh my, this is horrible, this is awful. She was able to lighten the mood, focus on the positive, and stay unemotional. Hence she was able to think clearly. Now here s some tips for focusing on better communication. Focus on the solution and not the problem. We want to avoid the sky-is-falling thinking. Not every hurdle is the great wall. So don t let simple problems snowball into catastrophes. Assess every situation separately and realistically. Consider the grand scheme of things. Is this problem really that big? And stop expecting the worst. Instead of thinking what if I mess up, think how can I make the best possible impression? For example, drop the should-have thinking. We all make choices in life and we ve all got our own reasons for those choices. See, each choice you make is a moment in time and you learn from the consequences of those choices. Instead of thinking, oh, I should have think this time, I will. And open yourself to new Simple Scripts Module 4 Page 3