Coach on Call. Thank you for your interest in Being Assertive: It Is OK to Ask for What You Want. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful.

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Rolf Ward
5 years ago
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Coach on Call It was great to talk with you. Thank you for your interest in. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful. Please give me a call if you have more questions about this or other topics.

1 Coach on Call It was great to talk with you. Thank you for your interest in. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful. Please give me a call if you have more questions about this or other topics. As your UPMC Health Plan health coach, I m ready to help in any way I can. Many people have trouble asking others for what they want. Not asking for what you want can cause problems. Over time you may: Feel frustrated and disappointed with other people and yourself Feel angry and resentful toward others Become depressed or anxious On the other hand, asking for what you want can help you in all areas of life. This includes living a healthy lifestyle by eating healthy foods, being physically active, reaching and keeping a healthy weight, coping with stress in healthy ways, and quitting tobacco. Asking for what you want is a skill you can learn. Follow the guidelines below. Changing Your Beliefs About Asking for What You Want You may have trouble asking for what you want because you have negative beliefs about doing so. Below are some examples. Check the ones that apply to you. In the blank lines, add any others you can think of. It will make other people angry or upset. I will be a burden to others. It is rude and selfish. Other people should know what I want without my asking. I should be nice and try to please others by doing what they want. I should be satisfied with what I already have. I do not deserve to get what I want. CMN (a) UPMC_14_0127 Copyright 2014 UPMC Health Plan, Inc. All rights reserved C on C CHSBNG ASSRTV ASK CXXXXXXXX-XX (MCG) 9/22/14 PDF

2 Page 2 of 6 If I ask for what I want, I will not be able to change my mind. Other negative beliefs about asking for what I want: Part of the challenge of asking for what we want is facing the fact that others may say No. Many of us have negative beliefs about that as well. Below are some examples. Check the ones that apply to you. In the blank lines, add any others you can think of. If someone says No, it means: They do not like or love me. They must not know how much my request matters to me. I am wrong to have wanted what I asked for. I will need to give up the hope of ever getting what I want. I cannot bear not getting what I want (in general or about certain things). It is like the end of the world. Other negative beliefs about others saying No: Beliefs such as those above may seem like facts. But they are not. They are thoughts and opinions that are learned over time. With practice, you can change your thoughts and opinions. You may not believe the new thoughts right away. That is normal. It will take time for the new thoughts to become as automatic as the old ones were. Below are some positive thoughts and opinions about asking for what you want or about others saying No to your requests. In the blank lines, add any other examples you can think of. I have the right and the responsibility to ask for what I want. My chances of getting what I want out of life are much greater if I ask for what I want. Other people cannot read my mind. I should not expect them to. I cannot expect to get what I want if I do not ask for it. I like to get what I want, but it is OK if I do not. I can accept the person who says No to my request. It does not mean they are saying No to me as a whole person. Being disappointed may not be as bad as I think.

3 Page 3 of 6 I can learn how to cope with others saying No. If someone says No, I may need to make some changes. I may need to find another way to have my request filled. I may need to accept that it will not be filled. I can learn from whatever happens and move forward. It is better for someone to say an honest No to me than to say Yes and then be angry and resentful. Other positive thoughts or opinions about asking for what I want or having others say No to what I ask for: How to in a Respectful Way The way you ask for what you want is important. For example, if your words or tone of voice are demanding or blaming, others may end up disliking you or feeling angry and resentful. Being assertive means to ask for what you want with respect, both to yourself and the other person. Follow these guidelines: Be clear, honest, and direct. If you are not clear about what you want, wait until you are before you ask. Be positive and specific. Instead of Why are you so thoughtless about money? you might say, I would like to sit down together on Saturday afternoon and come up with a budget. Keep it brief. Are you finding it hard to ask for what you want? Let the other person know. Be polite. If you can, express empathy and/or appreciation for the other person. For example, I know you are busy or It means so much to me that you pay the household bills every month. Keep your voice calm. Speak slowly and warmly, so you do not sound abrupt. Speak loudly enough that you can be heard, but do not shout. Make direct eye contact but do not stare. Are you angry or afraid? Wait until you are calm before you ask. Do not make excuses or apologize for asking for what you want. Do not be rude. Do not demand, blame, or threaten the other person. Change I must have to I want, I would like, or I would prefer. Keep in mind that others have a right to say No. Give the other person time to think about your request if they ask for time or if you think they may be unsure. Do not demand that they respond right away unless it is needed. Be ready to accept it if the other person says No. Do not punish them by how you respond in words or actions.

4 Page 4 of 6 Take Action Use the attached worksheet, Practice Asking for What You Want, during the coming week. For three days: Do your best to be aware of any requests you would like to make but do not make. Write them in the first column. In the second column, write down any negative thoughts you have about asking for what you want. Skip the last two columns. For the rest of the week: Fill in the first two columns as before. In the third column, write down some positive thoughts about asking for what you want. In the fourth column, write down a respectful way to ask for what you want. Try asking as soon as you have the chance. Examples are given in the first few rows.

5 Page 5 of 6 A Request You Would Like to Make After we eat dinner at home, I would like my husband to make me some tea and bring it to me. It would feel special and keep me from missing dessert so much. I would like my daughter to praise me if I walk around the field during her soccer practice. When I get home from work, I would like to meditate for 15 minutes before talking very much with my wife. Negative Thoughts Positive Thoughts A Respectful Way to He is tired at the end of the day and it would be selfish of me to ask him to do that. I m the mom. I should praise my daughter, not the other way around. I should sit in the bleachers and watch her practice, not walk around. I should be able to handle the stress at work better. My wife will think I don t care if I don t listen to her concerns right away. It s OK to ask for something. I do the work of getting the dinner ready and I know he wants to support me in my weight loss program. I could still keep an eye on her during my walking and praise her afterward. I know she cares about me getting more exercise, and I think she would like to know that her praise could help me. I will be able to listen to her better and be more patient if I take some time to relax. Honey, I love it that we sit down and eat dinner together. Can I ask you a favor? When we are done eating, would you be willing to make me some tea and bring it to me. It would feel so special and keep me from missing dessert so much. Sweetie, I m so happy that you care about my health. I have an idea that would really encourage me. Would you be willing to say something like, Good job, Mom! if I walk around the field during your practice? I have an idea I d like to try. When I come home from work, I know how important it is for you to catch me up on your day. But I m usually so stressed right then. I think it would help if I gave you a kiss, kept our talking to a minimum, and did about 15 minutes of meditation to calm down. I will be more present for you when you share your day.

6 Page 6 of 6 A Request You Would Like to Make Day 1: Day 2: Day 3: Negative Thoughts Positive Thoughts A Respectful Way to

7 Page 6 of 6 A Request You Would Like to Make Day 4: Day 5: Day 6: Day 7: Negative Thoughts Positive Thoughts A Respectful Way to

Coach on Call. Thank you for your interest in Healthy Ways to Manage Your Anger. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful.

Coach on Call. Thank you for your interest in Healthy Ways to Manage Your Anger. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful. Coach on Call It was great to talk with you. Thank you for your interest in. I hope you find this tip sheet helpful. Please give me a call if you have more questions about this or other topics. As your