ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS. 1. Nonverbal skills: eye contact, open body posture, nodding head

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1 MARY BONCHER HAND- OUTS a guide to the brain attachment on computer. Active Listening Workshop ACTIVE LISTENING SKILLS 1. Nonverbal skills: eye contact, open body posture, nodding head 2. Minimal encouragers / nudging is the use of brief positive responses. Keeps the conversation going. Shows you are listening. umm hmm, yes, and, then 3. Restating (paraphrasing) is paraphrasing what has been said. 4. Reflecting back to speaker not just words but apparent feelings: It seems like this is important to you. It sounds like you were upset 5. Validation is acknowledging the problems, feelings, experiences. Listen openly and with empathy. Respond in an interested way. Validation does not mean that you have to agree but that you can understand. 6. Summarizing is bringing together the key facts or pieces of the discussion to see if you understand. You function as a sounding board. 7. Probing (creative questioning) is asking questions to draw the person out and get deeper information about thoughts, feelings, behaviors. 8. Emotion labeling is putting feelings into words. I am sensing that you are feeling frustrated, worried, anxious 9. Silence allows the exchange to slow down. It gives the person time to think and can be helpful in diffusing an unproductive interaction. 10. Giving feedback lets the person know your thoughts on the situation. Share pertinent information, observations, insights, and experiences. Then listen carefully to response.

2 11. Effective pause entails deliberately pausing at key points for emphasis. This signals that you are saying something that is very important to them 12. I messages focus on the problem not the person. An I message lets the person know what you feel and why: I know you have a lot to say and I need for you to also Redirecting is useful when someone is showing signs of being overly stimulated. Helps person with affect regulation difficulties. Active Listening Workshop dialougue Josh/Report Card Active Listening Dialogue Original Dialogue: Josh reluctantly hands his father his report card Dad: What s the matter? Josh: It s not good. Dad: Let me see It s a great report card! What s wrong with it?? Josh: It s not good. I hardly got any 4s Dad: Yes, you did. You got a lot of them. Josh: Soooo??? Dad: It shows you are doing well in everything. I don t know why you re getting so upset. You have nothing to complain about. And your teachers comments are terrific. Josh: But I only got a good in science and I did that extra credit project. Dad: Well, why take it so personally? Maybe your teacher put the good on the report card before you turned in the project or maybe she doesn t give 4s as easily as your other teachers. Josh: Just forget it! You don t understand! (leaves the room angrily) Dialogue using Active Listening/Problem Solving Techniques: Josh reluctantly hands his father his report card Dad: What s the matter? Josh: It s not good. Dad: You re not happy with it? Josh: No. Dad: Hmmmm Josh: I hardly got any 4s

3 Dad: You feel like you deserved more 4s? Josh: Yes. I worked really hard this semester and I even did that extra credit Science project and I still only got a 3 in Science! Dad: So, you re frustrated because you don t feel your grades reflect all your hard work this semester? Josh: Right! I sure hope it will pay off by the end of the year, though! (goes to play)

4 Max/Anger Active Listening Original Dialogue: Max: I d like to punch that Michael in the nose! Dad: Why? What happened? Max: He threw my notebook in the dirt! Dad: Well, did you do something to him first? Max: No! Dad: Are you sure? Max: I swear, I never touched him. Dad: Well, Michael is your friend. If you take my advice, you ll forget about the whole thing. You re not so perfect, you know. Sometimes you start up and then blame someone else the way you do with your brother. Max: No, I don t. He starts up with me first oh, I can t talk to you. Dialogue using Active Listening Techniques: Max: I d like to punch that Michael in the nose! Dad: Boy, you re angry! Max: I d like to push his fat face in! Dad: You re that mad at him! Max: You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the dirt. And for no reason! Dad: Hmmmm Max: I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb art project. Dad: You think so. Max: Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying. Dad: Oh. Max: But, I didn t break it. I didn t! Dad: You know you didn t. Max: Well, I didn t do it on purpose! I couldn t help it if that stupid Carla pused me into the table. Dad: So, Carla pushed you. Max: Yeah. A lot of things got knockled down, but the only thing that broke was Michael s project. I didn t mean to break it. It was really good. Dad: You really didn t mean to break it. Max: No, but he wouldn t believe me. Dad: You don t think he d believe you if you told him the truth. Max: I dunno.i m gonna tell him anyway whether he believes me or not. And, I think he should tell me he s sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt!

5 Will/Friendship Active Listening Dialogue using Active Listening Techniques: Will is crying in his room Something is bothering you. Will: Uh- huh You seem pretty upset. Are you having a hard time with your homework? Will: Yes, it s making me think about bad things. Oh. Will: I want to tell you something but it s hard to say. Some things are very tough to talk about. Will: It s only got seven words. The dictionary is very big for me to find the right seven words. I know some things are very hard to say. Will: Maybe I could write them down. Okay. I ll get a paper and pencil. Will writes, If only I had a close friend. I know how hard it is sometimes to make friends. Will nodded and picked up his homework to finish.

6 Sophie/Birthday Party Active Listening/Problem Solving Dialogue Original Dialogue: I don t want Ella to come to my birthday party. But you know that Ella is your friend. No, she s not. That s not a nice thing to say. How would Ella feel if she heard you? I don t care. She s not coming. So, maybe you shouldn t have a party at all. Okay, no party. Dialogue using Active Listening/Problem Solving Techniques: birthday I don t want Ella to come to my birthday party. Something about Ella disturbs you. Yes, she always plays with my dolls. And that really bothers you. Yes. I don t like her to. Well, can you think of a way that will solve this problem at the party? Well, maybe if I put my dolls away in my room, she won t want to play with them and then she could come to the party. Great idea!

7 Audrey/Hair Active Listening/Problem Solving Dialogue using Active Listening/Problem Solving Techniques: Audrey nods I hate myself. Oh, Audrey. What do you mean? I really do. I wonder what makes you feel that way. I m not pretty. I m ugly. What would a pretty girl look like? She would have long hair. And you don t. No, you made me cut my hair for summer and now I look ugly. You really wish you had long hair What can we do about it? Not ever cut my hair again. You want it to grow and grow and grow and never cut it. Not even trim it. How long should we let it get? Down to my shoulders. And, then you could wear braids again. How would you feel then? I d be really pretty.

8 Julia/Baby Brother Active Listening/Problem Solving Ever since her baby brother was born, Julia has been really whiny and uncooperative with her mother. Finally, her mother sits her down to talk about it. Dialogue using Active Listening/Problem Solving Techniques: Julia, is something on your mind? Julia: I never get to spend any time with you since Ben was born. What do you mean? We re together almost all the time. Julia: I know, but it s not the same as it was before. Oh? Julia: Yes, I never get to be alone with just you anymore. We don t go skating together the way we used to. It must be very hard for you to share me after just the two of us were together for so long. Julia: I know I spend a lot of time with you and Ben, but not alone with just you. I see. What do you think we could do about that? Julia: Maybe every night we could play a game or just be alone and talk? What a good idea. Why don t we set aside a half hour every night of special time to be together? Books to help children deal with a loss. (Doc attached to computer) Dealing with Death Workshop (document attached to computer) Demonstration of problem solving Active Listen / Problem Solving Scenario: attached to compter Guiding your child through the Internet Helping children deal with their feelings. (Doc on computer) HOMEWORK (mary boncher talk doc on computer)

9 MINDFULNESS AND RELAXATION FOR CHILDREN AND THEIR PARENTS (document on computer) Positive ways to talk and listen handout 2/4/2009 (document attached to computer) Promoting responsibility ( pdf on computer) PROMOTING SELF ESTEEM/ RESILIENCE IN CHILDREN (doc on computer) Providing Positive Discipline and Fostering Independence SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT IN GIRLS (doc on computer) Steps in Problem Solving (doc on computer ) Talking About the Birds and the Bees part 1 Talking about Birds and Bees part 2 TRANSITION TO KINDERGARTEN Transition to middle school Understanding and helping kids manage anxiety Understanding and Parenting Tweens What is Social and Emotional Intelligence and How to teach it to Children

Scenario 1 In the Trash. Scenario 2 Playing PS2. Scenario 3 Hurt Feelings

Scenario 1 In the Trash. Scenario 2 Playing PS2. Scenario 3 Hurt Feelings Scenario 1 In the Trash Event: You saw this guy digging through some messy garbage right outside the cafeteria and you thought it was funny. When you told a group of your friends about it someone said