Coaching Notes Week 4

Transcription

1 Coaching Notes Week 4 People Pleasing Coaches Toolkit and Homework

2 2 People Pleasing Coaches Toolkit and Homework Working with a client on People Pleasing As coaches we aim to help our clients believe in themselves and become driven from within and not rely on external influences (praised, being indispensable, dog s body) to raise self esteem. It s all about establishing healthy boundaries and valuing and honouring the self. The People Pleaser is overly concerned about what people think of them They would rather bite their tongue, stuff back their emotions and go with the flow than say what they really want, think or feel. They sometimes feel low, misunderstood, resentful or powerless in situations which deep down they know are of their own making Everyone else seems to be having more fun than the People Pleaser. They beat themselves up wishing they d said and done something years ago which haunts them in the present. People Pleasers see everyone else getting all the breaks. Where s their share? They have a big need for conformity.

3 3 Apologising when it's not necessary Overcommitting to things or overpromising, resulting in overwhelm Worried what people might think if they say 'no' Taking no credit for accomplishments Always putting others' needs before their own Perfectionist traits Identifiable Symptoms Peacemaking - avoiding conflict/not expressing their own opinion/going with the flow Poor decision making Saying 'yes' when they mean 'no' (being inauthentic) Working too hard/doing the job themselves rather than asking for help Holding back or telling small white lies to cover up their true feelings Request your clients consider these points: It is entirely OK to have your own thoughts, needs and desires - respect yourself and be true to you. People won t reject you for having them, in fact they will respect you more Pushovers get pushed over You are lying to people when you say you like/want one thing but believe another People Pleasers can morph into dog s bodies Being in integrity means being real and authentic it s hugely attractive and really quite safe to be YOU Fitting in isn t

4 4 When you suppress your feelings you create low self-esteem and your confidence dips Nobody likes a wuss What is a short term palliative becomes a long term pain People who do speak up are respected and given greater leeway You are always in integrity with yourself and others when you are being authentic that means REAL Making a habit of attracting user friends and abuser partners is not healthy no matter which way you look at it It s OK to be you. Enjoy yourself. Others will follow The opposite of being a People Pleaser isn t being an arrogant big head. Rest assured, you will never reach this status. Aim for quietly assertive. Acceptance is everything. Forgive yourself, accept yourself - all your weaknesses and strengths and give yourself a break. You are more than enough You deserve love and abundance. Ask your client: What are you really scared about people knowing about you? What do you need to let go of? How would your life be different if being you was enough, at all times and in all ways? What do you need to trust or believe in right now to allow the real you to shine? How can you drop looking good from your lexicon of default positions? What will the consequences be if you don t express your needs/opinions? Does it matter that you can t please all of the people all of the time? Should you bother? What is the real pay-off of staying stuck this way?

5 5 What s the cost of needing to be liked? Powerful coaching questions to use with your client What or who do you need to say 'no' to?" "What is the benefit to you of holding onto this, 'you're more important than I am' ethos?" "What needs to happen for you to honour and value yourself?" "What's the worst that could happen if you speak up for what you want or believe is right?" "What would be a great way to overcome that?" "What boundaries do you need to set to ensure your needs get met?" "What conversation do you need to have with another/others to tell them how you feel and the way in which you want your needs met?" "In what areas of your life do you find it hard to say 'no'?" "How do you vent your feelings?" "Who do you have in your life that can act as a confidante for you to express your feelings to?" "Where in your life would you like to be more assertive?" "What difference would that make to you?" "When you say 'yes' to others how are you saying 'no' to yourself?"

6 6 Homework and coaching tools for People Pleasing Ask the client to think about or do some written work around the following: Write a list all of the areas where they want to say 'yes/no' but they go along with the other person/people either to keep the peace or to meet their needs. Get them to choose one area off the list and commit to setting a boundary around it to ensure that their needs get met. For this exercise the client will need to know what is/is not acceptable to them. Start being more aware when they are being unnecessarily apologetic. Get them to notice all of the times/situations where they use the word 'sorry'. As they notice each occasion get them to ask themselves if it is actually their fault/responsibility and there is a need for them to apologise. Remind the client that when they are setting new boundaries there is nothing to apologise for. They don't need to apologise or justify, as they are just honouring themselves. Notice when they overcommit. Challenge them to make space in their diary for themselves and to create some time before responding to a request in order to consider whether it s what they really want and to build in enough time to fit in all they want to do. An extension to this exercise is to get them to list all of the things they want to do and book that in the diary before adding in commitments with others, i.e. go to the gym, read a book etc. Think of one area in their life where they could do with some help. Get them to ask for it. Help them to plan that conversation if necessary. Write a list in their journal at the end of each day where they have honoured themselves/been truly authentic as they work through their boundary setting Practice saying 'no' more often and build up confidence by starting small. Work with the client on ways in which they can say no:

7 7 "I'd love to but I'm already committed to..." "That sounds lovely but I've committed to myself some precious 'me' time while the house is quiet. Another time?" "It's really kind of you to think of me. I like to give things my 100% and right now my priority is 'x' so I wouldn't have the time to dedicate to it and give it the full attention it deserves" "I can't do (date) but I could do (date) if that works for you? "It's a busy month. Let me check my diary when I'm back at home and I will send you over some possible dates." "It's not something that feels right for me but I could put you in touch with..." I will come but I have to go at 9pm" I will take you but could you make a donation to the cost of the petrol? Other Homework tasks Suggest your client: Volunteers less Learn the art of being positively negative Have healthy boundaries with others Learn to see that people respect those who know and express their own mind Be their own best friend and show themselves compassion Under promise and over deliver Keep a Big Me Up book to start to get how great they are. Write a piece picturing who they would be and what would change if they didn t please others and relied on their self more.

8 8 You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody. Maya Angelou He who has access to the fountain does not need the waterpot Leonardo Da Vinci Suggested reading The Language of Letting Go Melodie Beattie How to Win Friends and Influence People Dale Carnegie The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle The Self-Esteem Workbook Judy Bartkowiak Reclaim Your Power Kaleghl Quinn