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2 Hopelessly in Love i

3 Publishing-in-support-of, EDUCREATION PUBLISHING RZ 94, Sector - 6, Dwarka, New Delhi Shubham Vihar, Mangla, Bilaspur, Chhattisgarh Website: Copyright, Author All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, magnetic, optical, chemical, manual, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written consent of its writer. ISBN: Price: ` The opinions/ contents expressed in this book are solely of the author and do not represent the opinions/ standings/ thoughts of Educreation. Printed in India ii

4 Hopelessly in Love With someone or something? Namrata Dhar EDUCREATION PUBLISHING (Since 2011) iii

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6 The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin. v

7 To my grandparents And to those who don t give up on their dreams. vi

8 Acknowledgements W This book was a dream which now is a reality and wouldn t have been possible without few wonderful people I met in my life. I would like to thank Maa and Papa, for letting me chase my dreams and supporting it with a big smile. Nanu, you believe in me more than I believe in myself and I always wonder how can you know me so well? My brother, Karan, for being so irritating and still doing everything I asked you to do. Nimisha Chopra, for the immaculate editing you ve put in despite a packed schedule. Tanisha Singh, for offering your help and sending in chocolates. Sangeeta Burman, for rectifying my mistakes. Aarushi Arora, for always being a text away. Riya Bajaj, for always being so nice to me. Lastly, to the one reading this Thank you, thank you, thank you. vii

9 Prologue W The world is so large yet I occupy only a tiny space. I m a speck in the dust. A period on a page. But who am I really? Why was I born? What on earth am I here for? Everyone says, Know yourself and you ll get the answers. How can I really know myself? I know I need to explore things, people and places but more than anything I need to explore myself. My life always took some strange turns and I wonder if it wanted to tell me something. I needed to listen to the voice for me to do what it wants me to do. I guess this voice is called life. So I moved ahead in search for my answers. Life replied to my question and said, Knowing yourself means knowing the aim of your life, the purpose that God decided for you while conceiving in His mind. And then I met a stranger who gave a different answer to the same question and he said, Knowing yourself means I. It means looking at yourself with your own eyes instead of the others. Finally, I went home and looked in the mirror and the image replied, You! You re more than enough. viii

10 1 1 Namrata Dhar W I ve been lonely all my life. And the mirror reflects back my loneliness. But I don t tell this to anyone, either they will have sympathy for me or they will think I m stupid. I don t want to fall in any of these categories. No one knows that I m lonely. I m surrounded by my friends in college and there is Mom waiting for me at home, so how can I be lonely? People don t know anything and they don t even have to. I need to live with it on my own. I think about Veer, if he too feels lonely. She asks me the same question again. I want to go home now. Why do you ask? I say. I ve a very bad habit of dodging questions that relate to my personal life. Ah! But is there any personal life left, anyway? Just that... you know. You re thin. You score the highest marks in the class and you have this long hair that can make anyone fall in love with you. If I were a boy, I d date you and never let you go, Kanika laughs out and combs her hair. I want to tell her that she is wrong. I ve love handles which I cover up by wearing oversized T-shirts. I don t score the highest marks in the class but second highest and these long hair which everyone loves are too difficult to handle and I hate them. But I don t tell her this. She knows it. We re in the same class. I open the dog-eared page of the book again. What? she says, applying her eye-liner. Her boyfriend is waiting outside the college. Well, you believe in love but I don t. Seriously? she says and then continues, I know why you re saying this. Everyone who is single feels this

11 Hopelessly in Love way but deep down they know they need someone they can rely on. You, please, don t tell me a cliché. Ok? Well, you ll know this when you ll fall in love. I don t have to explain it to you, she says and packs her bag. I will not fall in love. Ever, I say more to myself than to her and shake my head. How can I fall in love when I don t even believe in it? And there are many, who prove my theory of love right. Kanika has dated many boys in the past so she believes she has enough experience to tell what is going to happen. She has experienced it all love, breakups, patch-ups and I still don t know why love is so talked about and why everyone s life revolves around it when everyone knows that it s just a sham. It will slowly disappear to nothingness. A married couple in love is gradually going to lose the lustre, fight with each other continuously and make their children go through hell. There will come a time when they wouldn t be able to stand each other. Those enigmatic eyes where once they just saw each other will soon have spectacles, the jet black hair will turn into pepper and salt hair, the beautiful face will have wrinkles and the rosy lips they once kissed will not be attractive anymore. This is where love ends and people prove it. Period. You can t plan love! Love is never planned. It happens on its own and when it does happen, it will sweep you away, things will automatically fall into place, you wouldn t have to do anything, she says and moves out of the restroom. I walk behind her while my mind continues to grasp her words. Does she even know that I m lonely? She looks behind while walking and says in a whisper, You re worth more than you think and just know that you re beautiful even if you don t think you are. I look at her in surprise. What happened to her? Why does love turn everyone into a poet? I smile at her 2

12 Namrata Dhar and her phone rings again indicating that it was time for her to go. I walk towards the parking lot of the college when Kia s name flashes on my phone s screen. She has been waiting for me in the college lawn while I accompanied Kanika to the washroom. I had totally forgotten it and so I changed my direction towards the college lawn. Hello? I answer. Hey. Where? I m waiting for you. We all are going. Where are we going? I ask. I was going back home as the whole section is on bunk today. Movies. We planned it just now. Don t tell me that you thought of going home instead. Of course, I was going home. Kia knows me so well. Kia, I don t feel like going anywhere. I want to go home and after this shocking project, I just want to plop down on my bed, I say. The thing I love about Kia is that she won t pressurise me for anything. She lets a person do whatever they want to do and won t even ask a reason. She will be like, Oh, umm... um... ok. whereas Kanika is just the opposite, she will make one cry but nonetheless will make one do whatever she wants them to do. Oh, umm... umm... ok, she says like I expect her to. So, where are you now? I m walking towards the college lawn. Hey, but I can t see you, I say, searching her in the surroundings. Where are you exactly? Silly, we re near the main gate. Oh. So... I m going home then. You enjoy. Bye. Bye, she says and hangs up. I walk back to the parking and see that Sarjun bhaiya is already waiting for me, ready to go. I sit in the backseat and start to read the book by John Green but somehow Kanika s conversation starts playing in my 3

13 Hopelessly in Love head. Why can t I love anybody? Maybe it s because of the fact that every person I get attached with gets away, they leave and it breaks my heart to see them go. They go without any reason and I keep cursing myself for everything. If people are moving away from you, it might be your fault too. But I don t know where exactly I lack? What should I ve done to make them stay? They give so much to remember, so many memories to cherish and laugh back at but ultimately everyone, at some point or the other exits from your life and then you re all on your own, lonely. I can recall everyone s name and the memory that floods back with their names gives me so much pain. I look away from the windowpane as Mom calls on my phone. Where are you? Mom asks. Just, I say and look around. It will take us five minutes to reach home. Seven more minutes. Ok, she says and hangs up. Since I started my college, Mom has developed a habit of calling me every few hours. Maybe she is still afraid of the incident which happened thirteen years ago and that s the sole reason she doesn t let me drive and has full trust in Sarjun bhaiya who is with us from the last thirteen years. O Is Kia there? Kanika asks over the phone. There? Where? I m home, I tell her. You didn t go for the movie? I thought you re with her. Her phone is out of reach, so thought to call you. I had to ask her about the project. Never mind, I ll call her later, she says and asks me the reason why I didn t go for the movie. I tell her that I was feeling sick and maybe it s the viral due to weather change. She tells me to go for a dengue detection test. I can t say if there is any sarcasm in her tone. She tells me to rest. Well, yeah. Rest. 4

14 Namrata Dhar Having hung up on the phone, I recline on my bed. It s not every day that you get a chance to pretend that you re sick even when everyone is bunking college and going to the movies. I ll always prefer staying in than going out. I m really not that kind of a person who goes out to watch every new release. The truth is I ve never gone to a theatre, let alone watch a movie there. Just for consolation sakes, I tell myself that one of the reasons I didn t go for the movie is the book I m currently reading. I want to read it and this idea is definitely better than getting ready and going for a movie. Why not read this amazing book by John Green in my comfortable pyjamas? And the best part about reading is that the world of books is hundred times better than the real world and I love to get lost in it which somehow makes me forget about the idea that I ve to start the first and the last project of my graduation with someone I don t even know. I seriously needed this day off so that I can save my energy for tomorrow. I wish I get someone who is sincere towards the work and helps me in completing the project instead of talking and letting me do all the work. I mostly get people like that because I m short on luck. I always am. I feel sorry though, that I lied again for some nonsensical reason but I didn t have any choice. I don t see any point in lying, when we lie to someone, we re lying to ourselves too. Why to lie when you can actually tell the truth? The answer is that sometimes lies are easy. Save us from some explanations. I hear someone coming up, someone s footsteps approaching towards me and I know who the person is. It s Mom. She pushes the door slightly and looks at me with the same expressions she has given me a number of times. So? she asks when I m busy reading my book. Why so early? 5

15 Hopelessly in Love We just had a little work today and then everyone went for a bunk. And what about the other lectures? she says, wanting to know everything. She folds the scattered clothes on my reading table. Sometimes, I think that Mom feels I give excuses to stay at home. Umm, I look up from the book. Nirali, at least read your course books if you re home, she says as if I read other books at college. BBA is easy, just studying it for a month would make me top my class, besides I ve read everything and you know, I say and look at Mom, who shakes her head in disbelief, giving me the same you re-incorrigible look. I don t understand why parents pressurise their children too much to study. We can only concentrate when we really want to and a talent or a hobby which comes in between studies is a huge no no in our culture. Talent and hobby hinder studies- it s an urban myth. I know what she has to say- try to achieve more marks, you can rank first. Heck, what if I tell you that I don t want to rank first? I ve already read my course books in the month long vacation after my sophomore year. I completed my syllabus then so that I could get some alone time with my books now which include my numerous attempts at writing my own book. I ve an intense passion for writing my own book and I know I ll write it one day. I tried writing and I still do but the problem is one day I ll be in a great mood to write like it s the day today, the day when I ll start writing my own novel and then I ll write around two pages and think that it is enough for today and then the next day I ll be like no, this isn t write I mean right. Then, I ll delete all my words I wrote with intense affection. Everything gets deleted with a click. I wonder if I ll ever have my book in my own hands. 6

16 Namrata Dhar I want to do something else in my life. I think I have something bigger to do, something bigger to achieve than gaining my college degree. That I d gain anyway, I m not that stupid, in fact, I rank second in my class. But there is no place for me. Being second doesn t count. I know there is a world beyond the academics; I want to explore that world. Everyone says to study hard, get into a good college and get a placement. That s their idea of great life but not mine. I want to do something that makes me happy. I do not want to live a dull and monotonous life. I just want to live but the thing is I do not know how to live that happy life and what is a happy life anyway? I notice that Mom is still peering at me and wants to start the lecture which I ve listened to a thousand times. I do not want that again so I pick my diary up and pretend to write when I m actually reading it. I look at my diary which has only few sentences that I ve written so far and the rest is blank pages. Mom thinks it s a waste of time to even stand in my room. She picks up the laundry, gives me a knowing look, walks off and goes downstairs where they all live and sleep except me. I just have my breakfast, lunch and dinner there and all the other times besides sometimes watching some discovery and reality shows, you ll find me in my room, reading or sometimes writing. It s a big room, more like a hall, having everything a room needs, even more than that. There lies a bed at the centre of my room, which was a single bed before this house was renovated and now lay a king size bed with attached lamppost in an off white color where, when I sleep, the moonlight enters straight into my room and shines on my face, a small LED T.V- not small but the smallest you d have ever seen which doesn t have a Dish TV connection and is occasionally used only to watch movies. I don t even remember the last time I had 7

17 Hopelessly in Love watched this TV emit lights because I do not really like to watch movies but instead read it as every second movie is adapted from some novel. Once when my friend had told me to watch some movie, I d replied that, I d better read it. I can be really humorous at times, I guess. I think I m getting away from what I intended to tell you. Yes, besides a large bed with an attached lamppost and the smallest T.V, there is a medium size dressing table with a medium-sized mirror and on the opposite side of the bed is an off white colored cupboard with a complementary built up wooden framework made for keeping books. Everything in here is in an off-white color including the bathroom s door which camouflages with the walls color. The best thing about living upstairs is the balcony here where I sometimes relax after getting worked-up. I think I m just boring you with all these inane details about my room. My room is boring just like me. I d never done any adventurous stuff in my life and Kanika says I haven t lived my life. I don t know what she was hinting at. Is there any way to live life? And what is a life anyway? I look at my diary and it shows how hopeless I m. I ve written a line and then crossed it and repeated the process ten times until I felt sick to the stomach and death consumed me. Well, almost. As I pick this diary up, I give another shot to write something better. I wonder how authors are able to write books that I can t even put down. What s the thing that makes me turn the pages of the books which often smell like vanilla and almond? Why are the people in the story which we all call fiction characters so real? What makes them so special, so unique? Why are the endings so nerve-wrenchingly special that I can t stop thinking about it? What s the reason? Where do all the stories 8

18 Namrata Dhar come from? Are they all fiction or is there a bit of reality mixed with it or is the other way round? Having asked myself all these questions for which I didn t had the answers at least now, I start writing what I hear in my head. I look at what I wrote and I m shocked at the words. These words feel so familiar yet so mysterious like the black sky with the moon and the stars. I close my diary and hope that someday I would write a bestseller but I really don t know what I want to write about. I don t have a story but I just want to write. Something. Anything. Something that is purely real. Anything that can change people s perspective towards life and things. V 9

19 Hopelessly in Love 2 W I m in section B and the project which I ve to do is with someone from section A. I don t even know who the person is. All I know is that the person s roll number is In the last year of my graduation, I ve to submit a project related to my course but the thing is I ve to do it in a group and the other people are from other sections. It s like a lottery lot, which you can either win or lose. Our teacher has decided to mix students from only two sections - section A and B, to make the shuffle a bit easier. Well, yeah! I don t know what the logic behind this idea is. The only logic I can come up with is complicating things for us which could ve been simpler. The group usually consists of two-three students but in my group, it s just two. I walk towards section B and ask a girl from the front row if she knows who roll number 0031 is. She looks at me for more than a second and shouts in the class Nobody even bothers to answer her as everyone is busy in talking. This project has surely created some waves in every section. How are we supposed to do a project and presentation with a complete stranger? I really don t know anyone except people from my own section. Wait, I ll just see who this is. This project is really crap, the girl from the front row says and moves to find the person. I look around and see the girl is sweet enough to check the roll number from the attendance sheet. I get a ping from Kanika saying that she is leaving as she has some work. I know what the work is. She is going to meet her boyfriend. I don t know how she can be so careless about the project when this project bears so much weightage. 10

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Sample Copy. Not For Distribution.

Sample Copy. Not For Distribution. Frolicsome 4 i Publishing-in-support-of, EDUCREATION PUBLISHING RZ 94, Sector - 6, Dwarka, New Delhi - 110075 Shubham Vihar, Mangla, Bilaspur, Chhattisgarh - 495001 Website: www.educreation.in Copyright,