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In the City Four one-act plays by Colorado playwrights May 1-31, 2008 Brooks Arts Center First Divine Science Church, 1400 Williams St., Denver BrooksCenterArts@Yahoo.com An excerpt from By Frank Oteri, Pueblo native, living in Denver Excuse me... Excuse me, sir? Sir? You got the time? Late night in the city. walks in front of a building on his way home from work. is sitting on a bench as walks by. It s uh...it s 11:23. Thanks... Hey, you wanna buy a DVD? Sorry, but I don t have any cash... You don t have to lie... I m not lying... You could just say that not only are you not interested in what I got, but that you don t talk to strange women in the middle of the night either. 2
It s not that, I just don t carry any cash on me while I work... So are you heading to the office or home to the wife? I really must be going, she ll be worried if I don t get home soon... So you are heading back to the wife. I guess that s better than heading to work at this hour. You know, I can sense when a man s married. It s like you can taste it on him and you definitely taste like you have a woman taking care of you. I m sorry, I haven t even asked your name. I mean, you were nice enough to stop and give me the time... Don t worry about it... I think I should know the name of the only man in this city who s willing to do anything within the realm of courteous..., my name s, but everyone calls me Ed. Pleased to meet you,. I m. Do you wanna buy a DVD? I already told you, I don t have any cash on me. That s okay. Hey, do you know anyone who might be interested? It s getting close to midnight, everyone I know is asleep. Is that a no? I d take it that way. Listen, I have to be getting home. It was definitely different meeting you. Do you know how to get to East Colfax from here,? 3
Go up two blocks, take a right and keep heading up the street... That s Colfax? That s Colfax. Do you think I look alright to walk Colfax all alone at this hour? I think you look fine... Are you sure, because I have another dress in my bag... What you re wearing s fine... But I don t look like uh, uhm, how do I put this gently? I don t look like a streetwalker, do I? A streetwalker? Do I look like one? I m not sure what a streetwalker is supposed to look like... Do you even know what one is? Well no... Then don t you think you should have asked,, what is a streetwalker?, what is a streetwalker? 4
Glad you asked,. A streetwalker is a prostitute, a hooker, a whore. Someone who sells sexual services to others in exchange for cash, something you have none of. Haven t you ever noticed them? No... You ve never seen a woman on the corner of the street wearing skimpy clothes that leave nothing to the imagination? Not that I ve noticed. Some of the prostitutes that I know have kids, multiple kids, but makeup and thoughts of different snatch can cover anything up for a man. Have you ever seen a streetwalker,? Do I look like one of them? Well, no... If you have a question to ask,, just ask it. Open your mouth and let it flow. It s easy. Watch, listen and learn. Ah hah huh hhhmmm. Do you wanna buy a DVD? If I do will you let me go home? I m not forcing you to stay here,, I m trying to help you. To help me? Exactly. I have to be getting home soon or... Your wife will be worried, so ask your question and let s finish this conversation. 5
What question? I told you what a streetwalker was, asked if you ever noticed them and then asked if I looked like one? Do you remember what you said? Well, no... It was just a second ago. Is your memory that bad? No, that s what I said. I said, Well, no. But what did you mean to have flow from your mouth? I don t want to ask. And why not? Because I was taught that there are some things you don t ask a woman. What questions might you withhold from a woman and what reason could you possibly have for doing so? Is it because our innocent ears might wither and die from such a fowl, disrespectful action as a question? Might our brains explode and stain the streets? Maybe we ll blush so bright, get so hot that we ll catch fire and burn half the city down. You re impossible and I need to get home. Are you a religious man,? My religious preference has nothing to do with this. 6
Oh, come on,. It s only a question... nods There you go. A nod is better than no response whatsoever. What denomination? What does it matter? It matters everything,. Trust me. Fine. I m an Evangelical Christian. All your life? All my life. A member of the religious right? Wow, I thought I smelled the enemy. Just kidding,, don t get all uptight on me. What does my religion have to do with anything? It has to do with you,. Your beliefs. Your upbringing. Childhood is the most impressionable time in a person s life. I guess living alone for the first time is comparable, or going to college...did you go to college? I really have to go... When I was a kid, my mother became a whore. I have to use the word became, because she wasn t always that way. It makes me laugh sometimes, but I can remember when she was a housewife. But that changed when I was pretty young. It think it happened when I was...god, I was eight years old. My step-dad was still around. He used to beat her when he was pissed squared. That s pissed drunk times pissed off. That night, he took a black leather belt to her, man that thing was thick. It used to hang over the doorway in their bedroom. He used it on me a couple of times, but never as bad as he used it on her that night. I still dream about it. He hit her so hard, so much, that she couldn t even get up to call the 7
cops. She just laid there and he stumbled out the door. He left us for nothing better, except we weren t there. He never saw greener grasses and neither did we. What was your childhood like,? Nothing like yours. Then what was it like? It was quiet, nice... Unspectacular. If you consider growing up with two parents in happy, loving household unspectacular, then I guess it was. You guys went to church every Sunday, didn t you? I still do. When you were a child, did your father ask your mother those questions, the ones that you don t ask a woman? He would never have asked anything he felt was inappropriate... And you followed in his footsteps. Of course I did! He was a respectable man. And now Daddy s little boy doesn t ask his wife inappropriate questions... Never. 8
How boring her life must be! Her life isn t boring. She has everything she wants. A house to live in, to call her own. A husband who loves and respects her enough to... Unnecessarily shelter her? Leave her out of this. She has nothing to do with any of this other than... She ll be worried if you don t show up soon. What s she like? I said leave her out of this. Fine. I won t mention her again, but only if you ask your question. Alright. I was going to ask... whispers in s ear. Am I a prostitue?! Why I never, well, sometimes, most of the time, but only on the days that I don t sell movies. Hey, you wanna buy a DVD? You ve already asked me and I ve already learned and asked entirely too much for an initial conversation. I apologize for my rudeness, but I must be going... I know, I know. You re wife will be worrying soon. Can I ask a question before you go? It isn t if I want to buy a movie, is it? No, I was just wondering why you don t ask certain questions to women. I mean, after all, men 9
and women are equal, aren t we? Don t you think a woman can handle something as simple as a question at the same level as a man? It s not a question of equality at all, at least not in my mind, but I believe that when a man can refrain from asking an embarrassing or awkward question of the opposite sex, he should. Some things are best left unasked, untold and unknown. Like what? Like how many men have you slept with? Who was your favorite lover and why? Like are you a prostitute? I stopped counting after two hundred thirty two. My first and yes, I already told you I m a prostitute. No, no, no. These are questions that don t need to be asked. They can be left alone and everything would be fine. After they re asked and answered, that s when the problems start, especially when you re in a relationship. It gives an opportunity for the mind to wander and for other questions to develop. Do you have another question you want to ask me? I would prefer not to... Then let me ask one. Do you have a smoke? Will giving you a cigarette allow me to go home without offending you, cause I can give you a smoke? Thanks, but that s not it. What else do you know? In terms of life? 10
In terms of the opposite sex. 11
If you want to know the truth... Of course I do. Then I don t know anything about women, but I like to think that I know how a man should treat a woman. Like joining her in a smoke? If you insist... I do. I really should be going... Without buying a DVD? But the conversation s just beginning to get good and my ride hasn t shown up yet. You re waiting for a ride? Yeah, he should be here in a little while. I can wait with you if you want. Why would you go through the trouble? It s the right thing to do. Just wait here a second while I call the wife to let her know I ll be late. I just can t leave you here waiting on the corner. 12