(Client) (Addiction & Death Wish, )

Transcription

1 Disclaimer: (In case you wish to add a disclaimer about the transcript here.) It s the 5 th day of February Our meeting is video recorded. The recording might be made available in educated in mental health professionals. Thank you for helping me to help them to help others. It starts us with some great energy, (name withheld). So, what would you like meeting with me this afternoon to address? FEMALE VOICE: My therapist said that I need to ask about, like I said the other day, why I have if it s a subconscious death wish, but I have a lot of health problems, but I keep going back to the same thing over and over again. I want to understand. FEMALE VOICE: I do too (laughter). Then, so help me understand what you re saying. FEMALE VOICE: You know, I spent 75 days in an ICU last year and I still relapsed after that. Uh huh. FEMALE VOICE: I was told, like, never to do crack or amphetamines after that because I have a bad blood vessel in my brain and I have seizures because of it. And that s exactly what I go back to. I can sit here and say I don t want to die, but, obviously, if I keep repeating with the same people and the same situations and the same drugs over and over again over the last couple of years, reminding me of worse and worse health I mean, I m not a stupid person. I know it can kill me before I pick up. So that means, you were saying? FEMALE VOICE: I think that means I have a death wish. I see. And, apparently, that s what you were thinking your therapist was thinking that, too? FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. 1

2 2 Yeah, well, that s not what it means. Our human minds are complex, and there are different facets that are operating. They re not well built where everything is integrated, where a new BMW is all integrated. Our mind is more like a Model T Ford that somebody has attached a catalytic converter on a cruise control to. So, it s not that the mind is trying to cause things to not work; it s that facets of mind are not responding together in a way that s optimal. So, I ll show you. Do you remember a time you used a drug? FEMALE VOICE: That I used a drug? Yes. A specific time. Okay. What was going on and what were you thinking? FEMALE VOICE: That I didn t want to think. Yeah, because thinking was making you feel bad. Okay. So, you had a thought that doing the substance would calm things so you would feel better. So, the motivation to do it was that. It wasn t being done in order to hurt yourself. It might have been one of the things that happened as a result of it. But there is a difference you recognize between intention and outcome. For instance, let s say you saw me trying to take the top off of something, and as I strained to take the top off it, it broke. Can you imagine that situation? Would you, then, come to me and say, well, you obviously had a wish to have broken the thing? FEMALE VOICE: No. That would be dumb, wouldn t it? FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. So this is like that. It never meant that at all. Every facet of your mind is coming from a place of positive intention. But, in

3 3 FEMALE VOICE: Yes. working together, it hasn t been working that way so well. Make sense? Yeah. So, can I ask you a couple of questions? You re how old, hun? FEMALE VOICE: Thirty three. And have you been working? FEMALE VOICE: No, I haven t worked since July. What about before that? What kind of work did you do when you were working? FEMALE VOICE: When I was in my early 20s I worked for big firms like Smith Barney and UBS. I was an institutional trainer, like institutional retail brokerage. But I gave that up, eventually, because of my addiction. Uh huh. I can tell that you re bright and there s some real energy there. So, that s why I asked what you did, because I had a sense you had, you know, some stuff that was intricate. Then there became this addiction to what kind of stuff? FEMALE VOICE: I mean, I was using the whole time, but it didn t really get out of control until my mid-20s. And what was the drug? FEMALE VOICE: The one that brought me to my knees cocaine and crystal meth. Yeah, crystal meth is a bad invention. FEMALE VOICE: Then I got clean the first time when I was 27. Since then, pretty much, all of my relapses have been centered around crack. So you have been here how long? FEMALE VOICE: On and off since You ve been here in the program that you re in now?

4 4 FEMALE VOICE: No, oh, this program? I went into detox the 23 rd of January or the 24 th, and I was here for, like, eight days. Okay, so not very long. FEMALE VOICE: Uh uh, not at all. And I want to leave really bad. That s why they wanted me to come see you. Do you, actually, want to leave? FEMALE VOICE: Now that I m starting to feel better, no, I don t. I still have that compulsion. Like, I physically make myself sick wanting to use. So, do you actually want to leave? FEMALE VOICE: No, I want to stay. I just feel like I have to fight to stay, and I ve never felt that way before. So, yeah. You re fighting that there s been some feeling to use and you re struggling against that. FEMALE VOICE: Plus, I m so good with the guy I ve seen on and off for five years, and I think that has a lot to do with it, too. How long ago? FEMALE VOICE: Like, the day I left him the day I went into detox. So all this stuff is, just, new stuff. Okay. So, what s going on for me is that I m paying close attention to how you re telling me it s been. I m listening hard and I get that. What happens is, at the same time, my mind, kind of, split screens, and I start seeing what it is that, at the highest level, you and I, together, are looking for you and intending for you. That, of course, is different than how it s been. So, as I look at that picture and as it becomes brighter and more vivid, I m seeing you, not just in recovery, but I m seeing you rock solid, where using has become out of the question, where it doesn t show up as a temptation. It doesn t show up as been ruled out. And because it s ruled out, because it s out of the question, it doesn t cause temptation and it doesn t cause uneasiness. So, I m looking at you where mind is working to your advantage where there s a sense of clarity and easiness and competency as you move ahead with

5 5 things. Does that sound right to you, in terms of what there is to be intending? Then, you and I have the same intention, and our energy has begun to come together. And, as energy comes together it expands. It, really, doesn t know how not to. As energy comes together it expands. Expanding energy is fuel. Fuel is power. And power is fueling the shift. Power fuels, then, what it is we re intending it fuels the set up for what it is that we re intending. I m going to show you a couple of things with energy that might be interesting. Let s see what happens with it. Here, unclose your legs, slide toward me. Good. Put your arm like that, and one hand just falls forward like mine did. I m going to move your hand to here, and I d like you to look where you feel me touching, right here. As you look, then, at that spot, don t look away. You re going to begin to notice a vibratory energy that moves through hand and fingers. Then, as I withdraw my hand, you can close your eyes, and then your eyes rest closed. And, as your eyes rest closed, you continue to be aware of your hand. You can t see it, but, of course, you know where it is. And the energy, the vibration is even significantly more than before. You ll feel me touch your finger, then you open your eyes and look at that spot. As you look at that spot, again, aware of the vibratory energy that you can see has significantly increased already, it s moving through your hand. And as you look at that particular spot, you can look even more and be curious because you re not doing anything with your hand, but instead, just watching what your hand is doing watching the way that your hand responds to the energy that s being directed. Then, I withdraw my hand, you close your eyes. Eyes rest closed. And, of course, again, with your eyes closed, you can t see your hand, but certainly, you know exactly where it is, and certainly, you know where it is, not because you can see it, but of course, because you can sense it. And you can sense it because you can feel it. And you can feel it because of sensation. And, of course, sensation is energy. And, of course, it s because of energy that you know where your hand is. And the movement is continuing and the movement has increased and the movement and the vibration and the other movement, as well. They re all a manifestation of energy. Movement is energy, and so there is energy and there is energy and you re aware of your hand and there s awareness. And awareness is energy. So there is energy and there is energy and there is energy and energy connects with energy, and you can remember hearing me speaking about intention intention coming together, intending the same

6 6 FEMALE VOICE: Um, like calm. thing. Energy meeting energy energy that is increasing, as energy, then, meets more energy. In a moment, I ll touch your wrist, I ll slowly lower your arm. You recognize that these processes work in such a way that one builds on the next. It just makes sense that one thing builds on what s before it. So, you can think about next time drifting, light and floating and sinking even down and further than this time and melting. That s it even still more. And then, you just take your time and, when you re ready, your eyes can open. And, what did you sense, in terms of thought during those few moments? Uh huh. Arm goes up like that. There it goes. Then like that. This is reminding me of this bubble gum I used to have when I was, like, four. You would open the package it was a Bazooka thing and there was a guy in there, who didn t look anything like you but this thing looked like him. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). (Laughter). He always had these weird things that were covering half his hand. Anyway, here you go. You look at this, there. Here s what we ll do. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). Take it out? Yeah! It s naked, okay (laughter). You look right here. That s fine. I can work with this now. There we go. I m ready to rock and roll. I m so excited. You look right there. My hand is moving in toward yours, and you begin to notice that, even though I m not touching your hand, something is going on. It s pretty obvious that something is going on. And there certainly is a response. And there definitely is movement and the movement is in response to energy, and it s faster and even more than before. You can sense that your eyes are, certainly, ready to close. So, as my hand is withdrawn, then your eyes then go ahead and rest. And, as you re aware of hand and you feel me tap your hand, you can sense the energy and even be curious about how it will continue to move and where it will continue to go. Then you ll feel your hand rest, your arm rest on my finger, and just rest and just rest. And then, there will be an energy in your forehead, and you ll be aware of your forehead and of your fingers aware of your forehead and of your hand. And as you notice your hand and fingers and energy, you ll notice that fingers, then, are lifting themselves. And it s all happening without any conscious direction. And that s when you

7 7 FEMALE VOICE: I had (inaudible). begin to consider what it will be like to melt down even still much, much deeper. As you feel me touch your forehead, and everything melts and becomes like liquid. And how it will be when you learn that, as all that goes on, that your eye is still moving. When you try and learn, they don t your body becomes still more liquid and in and in and it pours and pours and pours all of the way down down in and further further and in and in and like there are no bones left. That s perfect. It just melts. Now you know that when food is left overnight on dishes, the next day it can seem stuck, hard to get off, hard to move. And the solution is to put those dishes into hot, hot soapy water, because that environment is an environment that isn t compatible with things being stuck. We know that there are things you experienced that left impressions, the data as it s been processed, that somehow, some has been stuck. It didn t go all the way through and down. But what we re doing right now is just like putting that into that hot, soapy water, because what s going on right here, what s going on right now, this feeling right here this thing that s happening, isn t a place where things can stay stuck. So stuff that was stuck, here, just unsticks. You ll feel some touches on your neck, shoulders and head as even much more is released and cleared. That s it. There it is. There it is. Released and cleared. Released and cleared. Each process we engage in together builds on the one before, it s always more powerful. It can t not be. Think about next time as you hear me snap my fingers, and you just melt all at once like liquid only when that s the intention and only when it s what I do. Easy, now slow like a flower opening slower, slower, slower, slower ever so slow finding your way back. Yes yes uh huh. And there you are so eyes can open. Okay. So, again, what were you sensing, in terms of thought during those few moments? Yeah, that s perfect. And you didn t and that s because other stuff was going on other than thought. This is how it works. When zebra sees approaching lion, although somebody might say, whoa, that lion put some fear into that zebra. That s a colorful way to describe it, but it isn t accurate. More accurately, the senses of zebra brought in data. Mind of zebra responding to the data causes the fear. Fear causes zebra to become alert, highly motivated and, even, physically stronger, all motivating the action of zebra running faster than it would. It s an emergency feeling and mechanism that makes zebra much more powerful for a short time. It isn t providing fuel for marathon running. It only supplies fuel

8 8 for a very short sprint. He only has to really run faster than the slowest zebra, and then, when the lion starts eating his buddy, he doesn t have to run anymore. So, that s what it s designed to do. Anger, in the same way, he sees another zebra trying to mount his mate, and he charges and he bites. Anger motivated the alertness and the strength causing the action, which is appropriate and immediate. As soon as it s no longer happening there is no longer a feeling. That s how it s designed to work. That s how it s supposed to go. Our culture, of course, has dramatically changed so that it s not likely we ll be in situations in which sprinting and biting are the solution. Our culture has changed; our nervous system didn t change. Although my mind has become much more advanced than mind of zebra, only the tiniest part of my mind became advanced. Most remains right on that primitive level. I might tell you that most of my mind is functioning on about the level of a goat, and then there is this more advanced component doing other things. And one of the things the mind of humans do is attach meaning to data. No other animals have minds that attach meaning to things. And our mind stores data so you can remember putting your shoes on, you can remember somebody you spoke to earlier, even though those things aren t happening. And, as simple as it sounds, no other animal could do it, sometimes, as this data glop, meaning data infused with meaning, is on its way into the filing cabinet, the storage, the data base, if the data was regarding something that had been disturbing, and meaning is probably, then, even still more full and more distorted, that big glop of data may get stuck in the hallway and not make it into the filing cabinet. And primitive mind can, then, be reading it as if it was incoming, even though, here, it s clear that it s not. Then, there may be another and another and another that have in common either what happened during it or, you know, it was a red-haired gal and this was another red-haired gal. Or maybe in common the meaning, or just here I was no good, here I was no good, or whatever. Those meanings, then, begin being connected in ways that anything that has a similar meaning, vibrates all of them like tuning forks. As those go off, mind is reading this thing is going on, even though it isn t going on, and mind, then, creates an emotion, like fear, like anger or like both, which is designed to cause zebra to run faster or bite harder, but is useless for the human. And for the zebra it s, then, again simply off, but for the human it stays on because of the way these things are connected. So now, this guy has emotions going on that aren t triggering any action. See, that s impossible for the zebra if he s angry he s attacking; he s not angry thinking about how he s going to be attacking or how he should have attacked or something. But here, we ve got that same thing going on. For the animal, as there s an action responding to the emotion,

9 9 even if the zebra is terrified if he s running from a lion, there s fear, but there s not emotional disturbance. But if this guy is feeling these feelings and there is no action as a result of the feelings, then the feelings, which have the intention of causing the situation to be fixed, causing an action anger is designed to get the animal to fix something. That other animal is trying to hurt my young. Fix it. Go bite the other animal. Fix it. But now we get that kind of energy going on and there is no response, it can t be and it doesn t turn off, it stays on, and then we have emotion going on with no response to it. That s emotional disturbance, and one can begin from that, then, to be feeling things like helpless, hopeless, frustrated, aggravated, I can t get it done, I need to, all that kind of stuff going on at once causing all of these feelings that, then, keep going on. Then, somebody has offered something that will immediately solve that problem. So, if you can imagine somebody feeling this intense, jangled, crazy thing that feels like it s non-stop. Since it s not seeming to be going on because of anything that s going on, therefore, how do you stop it? You can t stop something that isn t even happening. Then that person, we say, well here, do this and it will all stop. Well, yeah! And he does that, and it all stops and it s like an immediate solution to a really big problem. But, as you know, it, unfortunately, creates further problems, but down the road, not immediately. One of the problems is creates down the road is an allergic response to it that causes an overwhelming need to do more of it. So this allergic thing has grabbed hold of this person and, so, the doing of it causes this overwhelming need to do it, which causes the overwhelming need to do it, hence, we have this perpetual emotion thing. That s what goes on with addiction. That causes, then, this need to do it, and the need to do anything that would be making the doing of it possible. So now she s having unprotected sex with this unattractive person to her in order to get some money in order to be able to get some more of this so she can do it to make the feeling stop. And that even makes sense at the time because, you know, how else am I going to make the feeling stop? And it will, for sure, make the feeling stop. So I just got to get through that and I ll be okay. It s almost like somebody who s in pain, and you say, well, I can make it go away, but the procedure of giving you the medication to make it go away will be painful. We ll have to give you this big shot, but then, that s going to relieve it. So he says, well, bring it on. It s not because he likes the shot at least, not at that point. So, that s what goes on, then, with addiction. Get it?

10 10 Now, because we live in a culture which everything is explained from the time we re children based on moralistic precepts, and as children you re taught that if you re good, things will go well; and if things aren t going well, it s because you weren t good. And, because every single children s television show and story shows that only bad things happen to people who weren t good, then people begin to attempt to understand how their goodness or lack of it is relating to these things that start happening. Really intelligent people are thinking that bad things are happening because they weren t good enough or because they re not good enough. Then, they get into therapy with people who tell them that, in order for them to be doing well, they have to start loving themselves, which is ridiculous. There s no animal that s loving itself. A hungry wolf sees rabbit, he doesn t say, oh my God! That looks delicious. I ve got to love myself for a while and see what happens. But, you take people who are depressed and feeling like they re the cause of the suffering because they learned when they were three that if they were just good things would go well. So, of course, the guy at that moment hates himself. It s because of the way the whole thing spun out, and then we put him in a group with people, and they say that what he has to do to feel better is to start to love himself, which he, then, tries to do along with forgive all the people he hates and love himself and all kinds of completely impossible chores that are, then, held up as what is required in order to be okay. So, you can see how somebody would say, well, I get it that that s what is required, that s what I need to do in order to be okay. I m certainly fucked! FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). Hell, I m supposed to be feeling good about people I hate, loving myself when I ve made myself miserable and all this other impossible shit. I can t do that, and they are, well, of course you can. You re powerless. If you just accept, whatever, that you re powerless and you do what we tell you, things will work out okay. And, that s harder for some people than others, and it s been hard for you with any kind of consistency. But, you ve come to believe that it must make sense because your way hasn t been working. And some of the people that believe that tell you that their way has been working, so you ve been trying hard to slum into it (laughter), but often, without much success. And buying into crazy theories about how deep inside you hate yourself and there s a death wish that needs to be cleared and discovered, so go to this guy, and he ll help you figure out why you hate yourself and then you can love yourself. Then, we ll be able to do it blah, blah, blah. Any of that make even the slightest bit of sense?

11 11 Or, did it just seem like a big asinine tirade I was on? FEMALE VOICE: No, it actually made a lot of sense, which is weird (laughter). I m delighted to hear that. It felt just like I was having a temper tantrum (laughter). So, if it made any sense to you, I m delighted. Here s the deal. Here s the solution to the whole thing, and the neat thing is that you already know; you already do it all over the place. It s just about taking something you already know how to do and doing it someplace else. It s kind of like taking a guy who drives very long in Texas and getting him to drive in Indiana. It s not hard; it s just doing the same thing. So let me show you something. If you get an that says this person who lives in Nigeria wants to put $11 million in your account and needs your social security number. Will you send it to her? FEMALE VOICE: No. No, and it s because you ve answered a different question than was asked. The question asked is, would you like to have $11 million in your account? The question you answered was, would you elect to give your social security number to a criminal specializing in identity theft so that your finances can be screwed up and you can also enjoy feeling like a total ass. And, you ll say no to that question, not to the first question. So, you see, you answered the real question; you heard the real deal, even though it wasn t what was proposed. I mean, so you re out for a walk and you hear a blasting horn, and it s this fat guy in a convertible, his shirt is off, and on the rolls of flesh, you see tattoos of naked women being nailed to boards. He s staring at your crotch, as if he has X-ray vision, as he licks his lips, he says, hey, sweet meat. How about a ride? Now, do you jump in the car? FEMALE VOICE: No. No, because there s a different question that you re answering than whether you d want a ride. You see? Hey, do you want to go with that guy and get naked and be nailed to some stuff for a while? If so, he can help you with that, but you re not getting in that car for any other reason. You see how mind went right to the real deal? Okay. So then, you meet this guy, and he looks at you and smiles real sweet and pretty and says, hey.i really think you should activate your addiction to crack and to meth and get it, like,

12 12 FEMALE VOICE: No. cranking, sweetheart. Then, you can be chased by sickness and do anything and anything and everything in order to get more, and that way you got to just feel disgusting, and I love that. Because, when you re in that much pain, you ll do anything to get out of it, and that, just, gets me so excited. And he starts to clap his hand. Now, when he is asking you that, are you finding it tempting? No, because that s the real deal. That s the real deal, and the real deal doesn t tempt you a bit. What you ve been trying to do is you ve been trying to say things like, I don t want to use, I shouldn t use, I better not use, I don t want to do it, I better not do it, I don t want to do it, I better not do it, I m going to try not to do it. Right? Something sort of like that. Let me show you how good that works. You close your eyes for a few moments now and just notice what you feel when I start saying, you better not touch your face, you better not touch the skin. Like, you know, if there are itches or irritations, you better not wipe them away. You better not. You better just let it be there, even though you know how easily you can wipe it away, you better try really hard not to. And as long as you concentrate hard on not doing it, you ll be able to not do it until you think about anything else. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). There we go. Now, as you can see, that s not a winning strategy, but that s what you ve been doing around using. That s why it s been making you so crazy, because what you just felt around that, with your hand going up and you were trying to not let it, is what has been going on around the feeling to use crack. Do you get that? It s the same thing. Do you get it? That s why it s been preoccupying you. That s why people are suggesting you have a death wish and you re buying into it. It s not true. You see, it s just the mechanism I just showed you. So here, say these words. Say, I can activate that addiction. FEMALE VOICE: I can activate that addiction.

13 13 I can get sick. FEMALE VOICE: I can get sick. I can get needy. FEMALE VOICE: I can get needy. I can get desperate. FEMALE VOICE: I can get desperate. I can be embarrassed. FEMALE VOICE: I can be embarrassed I can be ashamed. FEMALE VOICE: I can be ashamed. I can be afraid. FEMALE VOICE: I can be afraid. I know how to do it! FEMALE VOICE: I know how to do it! I ve done it before! FEMALE VOICE: I ve done it before! I m good at it! FEMALE VOICE: I m good at it! I m really good at it! FEMALE VOICE: I m really good at it (laughter)! And that was all positive stuff. There was no trying not to, and it didn t make you want to, not a bit. Make sense?

14 14 So here s the solution. The solution is that you will check out the real deal when you get an offer from in your mind or out. That s it. Then you can do whatever you want, but you ll check out the real deal then you can do whatever you want. So you re sitting in a Starbucks, okay, and you re sipping your whatever, and this sleazy guy walks over to you and says, hey, do you want to be on the cover of Cosmo? Come on up to my room. Do you go? FEMALE VOICE: No. Why not? Because it s not how you get on Cosmo. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). No, it s a lie. So you answered the real question. This is some weird, weird dude who wants me alone in his apartment to do God knows what, but I can guess. FEMALE VOICE: Right. And what do you do? FEMALE VOICE: Run away. Yes. You hear the real question. So the real question is, hey you want to get addicted? You hear it. That s the real thing. Come on, you get really needy I like that (laughter)! Does it make you want it? FEMALE VOICE: No. Do you get it? That s it. Did you just love yourself in the middle of that? FEMALE VOICE: No (laughter). You skipped right over that step. Good! I mean, who wants to do that? You wouldn t even be very likable if you were. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). You know? Would you want me loving myself? I ll be with you in a few moments (laughter). FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter).

15 15 I just feel what s so amazing about being me, you know? You go, yuck! How long do I have to hang out with this ridiculous dude (laughter)? So, instead of that, real deal bang, bang, got it. Make sense? There are things that we can do to get your mind to be more clear, to get the emotional things that have been troubling out of the way so that you re, like, on track and clear and good with stuff. And, you ve got all of the stuff I would need to have there in order to be able to do what is here. You re bright, you re attentive, you re clear, you can focus, you re logical. I can be related to, and don t if you think you re taking that for granted, try talking to a few people in the hallway and you ll notice it s not out there in abundance. So, that s great if you ve got that and with that, we can make some stuff happen for you if you move it along and intend to do that. Make sense? FEMALE VOICE: Okay. Yes. So, stay around and make that happen, do you think? FEMALE VOICE: Yeah. Yeah. FEMALE VOICE: (Laughter). Thank you very much. It was my pleasure. (AUDIO/VIDEO STARTS ABRUPTLY.) (Inaudibles due to muffled audio, unknown words or when many people were talking at once. Three attempts are made to determine the word before continuing with transcription.) Transcribed by: Jennifer Lloyd PROOFitASAP.com jenniferlloyd@proofitasap.com Completed: END OF AUDIO.