It lasts about 40 minutes. Then we ll open up the rest of the time to freestyle cuddling. At the end, we ll have a short Closing Circle.

Transcription

1 Cuddle Party Welcome Circle Format WELCOME AND INTRODUCTION Introduce yourself briefly: Your name That you ll be facilitating as the Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty Give your qualifications. Introduce your Cuddle Caddy: That they will be assisting you. Let your Cuddle Caddy give their qualifications. Welcome and thank everyone for coming. ========== This is the Welcome Circle. It s the workshop-y part of the event. Here, we will introduce ourselves, go over the Rules of Cuddling and teach some skills for communicating what we would like, and a few activities to help us get comfortable. It lasts about 40 minutes. Then we ll open up the rest of the time to freestyle cuddling. At the end, we ll have a short Closing Circle. You may have heard some of this before. If so, you ll often still hear something new or in a way you have not thought of before. So, please listen up either way. It s OK to start cuddling at any time as long as you ask the person you want to cuddle with and get a verbal Yes first. We will have time for questions at the end. INTRODUCTIONS First let s introduce ourselves. We ll go around the circle. Please tell us Your name How you heard about Cuddle Parties

2 And the 30-second version of why you came today. What was it about a Cuddle Party that interested you? Or, if you ve been before, what is something you've learned from Cuddle Party that has been useful? Who wants to start? Select someone who volunteers, or pick a regular or your caddy to start. Then just go around the circle to the left or right to keep things moving. Or you can have each person pick who goes next. Make sure to THANK and WELCOME each person after they share. Be present with EACH and EVERY person as they share. THE NO EXERCISE We love getting the scary stuff out of the way first. After this, it all gets easier. It s time for The NO exercise Part 1 - Read this section quickly to keep momentum going. When I tell you to, turn to the person next to you and pick an A and a B A will go first. A is going to ask B May I kiss you? B, your job is to look A straight in the eyes and respond No. 'B', Even if you want to say yes, in the exercise, you must say No. You will then switch roles, so that you both get to ask and you both get to say no. Do this a few times each. [Demonstrate with the person next to you.] Do this now. Part 2 - Read this section quickly to keep momentum going. Now you get another chance to practice. Turn to the person on your other side and do the same thing.

3 But instead of asking 'May I kiss you?', you re going to ask "Would you kiss me?" Again, you must say No. You are welcome to play with different ways of asking, for example: I would like for you to kiss me. Are you willing to try it? Try this a few times each, and make sure you switch so that you both get to ask and you both get to say no. And do this now. Thank you! Great job! ASSUMPTIONS Okay, a quick show of hands: How many of you assumed that when we said kissing - we meant kissing on the lips? Again, raise your hand as you are speaking to model them raising their hands. Then pause for a second or two and look around. Don t worry if no one raises their hand. Continue as if they did and keep it moving. In real life, might your answer be different if it were a kiss on the elbow? One of the things we ll talk about in a few minutes is about how to be specific in your invitations, and what to do if you are not sure exactly what the invitation is. ADDING NO, BUT OK, another show of hands: How many people felt the urge to explain themselves or make a joke out of saying No? Raise your hand as you are speaking to model them raising their hands. Then pause for a second or two and look around. Don t worry if no one raises their hand. Continue as if they did. Sometimes it feels awkward to say No. Most people really don t like disappointing others. Saying No is such an important skill that we are going to come back to it a little later and talk about it some more, including why it's actually helpful.

4 For now, know that No is a complete sentence. You can just say No and leave it at that! This section is meant to be light-hearted and humorous. Be playful. And finally: congratulations! That was the hardest part of the Welcome Circle. You ve all just been rejected twice! And you ve all just rejected someone - twice! So if this was something you were worried about when you got here, way to go! It looks like you will make it through. Thank you, everyone. Now it s time for the Rules of Cuddling THE RULES OF CUDDLING Rule # 1 - Pajamas stay on the whole time. Cuddle Party is about kindness, connection and play. This is not a sexual event and one of the ways we keep it that way is that no one gets naked! :) Rule # 2 - You don t have to cuddle anyone you don t want to at a Cuddle Party, ever. Cuddle party is all about choosing we want to be very clear that you get to choose how and with whom you cuddle. And that includes the option to not cuddle at all. You are not required to do anything here today. You can sit and watch the entire time. You can take a nap. You can read a book or write in your journal. You can say No to everyone and that s perfectly okay. People have done it. It s an amazing experiment. [[[Feel free to cite an example you ve witnessed. Reid and Marcia once had someone declare during the Welcome Circle that they came to practice saying No. They said No to everyone who asked to cuddle until the Puppy Pile where they gleefully joined in the last 30-minutes of cuddling.]]] This also means you are free to leave the Cuddle Party at any time. If you do, we ask that you say goodbye so that we know you ve left.

5 If you decide by the end of the Welcome Circle that this isn t your type of event or that you want to come to the next one instead, you can leave and we will refund your money. The only thing mandatory at a Cuddle Party is to abide by the Rules of Cuddling. Rule # 3 - You must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone. Caresses, hugging, massages, foot-rubs, head-scratching, spooning, nuzzling and the like are all allowed, but you must get verbal agreement before you touch anyone. Either you ask for something you would like, and get a verbal yes OR someone asks you for something they would like and you agree to it. Generally speaking, there are three ways to ask. You can ask for something you would like to do, for example, May I give you a shoulder rub? You can ask for something you would like them to do, for example, Will you give me a shoulder rub? Or, you can ask for something you would like to do together. For example, I would like to spoon with you. Are you interested? ::: Asking for what you would like is not always easy it can feel a little risky. Many of us have never gotten over the Middle School Dance. You finally decide you want to dance with Suzie or John, you bravely venture across the vast frozen tundra of the gym floor, you ask, and he or she says a really loud NO! and there you are, humiliated, walking all the way back across the wasteland, with everyone watching. Your 7th grade life ends right there. Then we never ask anyone for anything ever again. Thank goodness, we're not in 7th grade any more! Some of us may be out of practice when it comes to asking for what you want. So, here's how to ask: First - Take your time and start with something easy. Hang out for a while. Have a conversation, watch. If a shoulder rub sounds easier than a full body cuddle, start there. It's

6 fine to take your time and ease into it. You don't have to jump into the middle of the puppy pile right away or ever. Second Please be as specific as you can. Someone may be a Yes to one kind of touch but not to another. For example, a Yes to holding but a No to stroking or carressing. It looks like this DEMO "Can I touch your shoulder?" and if you get a yes, you can go ahead with that. If you want to then stroke their arm, you need to ask: "Can I stroke your arm?" Then, if you get a yes, you can go ahead with that. Someone who is a yes to one form of touch, being held for instance, may not be a yes to another form of touch, like stroking or caressing -- so whenever you want to do anything different, you need to ask. At every step of the way, ask. And if it seems like you're asking way more than normal, you're doing it exactly right! Demo this a few yes s and a few no s. It s good if the female can ask the male, as this counters the assumption that the men always ask. It is best to ask for things that are innocuous so that the assumption is not made that he said no because she went too far. Make this fun and light hearted. Third - Give room for them to say No. When it's a real invitation, you can wholeheartedly honor a No as much as you would a Yes. Otherwise, it's a demand in disguise. We have all had the experience of someone asking us to do something, but we knew we really were not allowed to say No. Like when your mom 'asked' you to take out the garbage. [Your example here] It was actually a demand disguised as a request. Finally - Be playful. The feeling we want to create at a Cuddle Party is one of fearlessness and fun. Think of a kid on the playground with a brand new tricycle. She rides up to the first kid she sees and asks, Want to ride on the back of my tricycle? That kid says No, and what does she do? Zoom! Off to ask the next kid: Want to ride on my tricycle? No. Zoom! Next kid. Want to ride on my tricycle? and so on, until she gets a Yes, or until she tires herself out from all the fun. This kid isn t making No mean anything. As adults, by the second or third No, we re thinking, Is it my tricycle? Maybe it s me? Ohmygosh, am I the kid with the tricycle they were talking about at lunch? So, have some fun with it, just like that kid. That's about asking Now, what about hearing the answer?

7 First Wait for the answer don't assume it and get started anyway. And if you get silence, take that as a No. We have all had different life experiences. It may already be nerve-wracking to sit in a room full of pajama-clad adults. Saying No may feel completely impossible. Silence is a No. Secondly, if you DO get a No, don't take it personally. It just means someone else is being true to themselves. Hearing a No doesn't mean that you asked for the wrong thing. We do a lot of asking here at Cuddle Party. We don't expect that you will always do it this way, but here we want to be really conscious of what we're doing, and create a high level of respect and safety. It's important that you get to choose how and with whom you exchange any touching. That completes Rule #3 Ask permission and get a verbal YES before touching anyone. Rule # 4 If you re a Yes to an invitation, say YES. If you re a No, say NO. Most people have some degree of discomfort about saying No. That's why we spend some time talking about it and practicing. If you knew there was a rule for this event, that went like this 'When you arrive, you are not allowed to say no; you must say yes to everything that anyone asks of you' - would you walk in the door? Of course not! It's an extreme example, but it shows the importance of the freedom to say No. In fact, it is the key to being able to be close to anyone. If you can't say no, you can t afford to get close enough to anyone for them to ask you anything. It's just too risky. When saying No is difficult, we often pad it, camouflage it, or try to make a joke of it. Basically we act like we hope the other person won t notice that we are saying no. But at the same time, we hope they miraculously abide by our No anyway. Raise your hand if you've used this strategy before. :) Here are a couple of things to know about saying No. First - a No is actually a Yes to something else.

8 Let s say you would like a nice quiet evening at home with a good book. Your friend invites you out to a party. Your No to the party is really a Yes to yourself and your quiet time. If you can t say No to your friend, you end up saying No to yourself. Second - Your No is useful information. Imagine you re walking down the street, and someone drives up in their car, and says, Hey, can you tell me, is this the way to Main St.? Now let s say you happen to know that Main St. is the other direction. Are you going to feel bad about saying No Main St. is the other way! Of course not! You re giving this person information they need to navigate their world. That is respect and kindness. When someone asks you to cuddle and you don t want to, by saying no, you re doing the same thing. You re giving them information they need to navigate their world successfully. They deserve that respect. And Third even if they are disappointed they will be just fine. They are adults and they can handle it. And if not, that's what I'm here for. So when you are a No, give the other person that information. What if someone forgets to ask? If someone forgets to ask or doesn t wait for a yes, you can still take care of yourself. It sounds something like this: I didn t hear you ask I didn t say yes to this OR - If you find that the words are stuck, you can use your hand to simply remove the other person s hand from you. Like this. (Demonstrate) Saying Yes - While we spend a lot of time talking about the importance of saying No to the things you don t want, it s equally important to say Yes to the things you do want. Some of us have a hard time saying yes, because we think we don't deserve the attention, or deserve to feel great. Say Yes to the things you want today. This is a wonderful place to experiment and try new things. Yes and No are welcome and encouraged. We hope you will try some of both.

9 Rule # 5 - If you re a Maybe, say NO. The reason for this rule is that many of us say maybe when we really mean No, because we don t want to hurt anyone s feelings. Say No when you re a No. Saying maybe, or maybe later is really an invitation for the other person to try again, so don t be surprised when the other person shows up later to ask again. (Bartender story) always brings smiles of recognition What if you are a Yes to the person, but a No to the invitation? Maybe you don t want the foot rub they have offered, but would like a back rub instead. It's time to negotiate! It sounds like this: No thanks, I don t like foot rubs, but I would love a back rub. Are you up for that? Yes, I'd love a foot rub, as long as I can take my socks off. Are you OK with that? I d like to do something with you, but not that. Let s find something else. If you re really on the fence about your decision, a true 50/50 maybe, then say No, because it gives you both closure and frees you up to move on. Then you have space to mentally explore what you really might like out of the situation. Which leads us to the next rule of Cuddle Party Rule # 6 - You are encouraged to change your mind. Anyone ever get in trouble for changing your mind? At a Cuddle Party, it s okay to say No or Yes - and then change your mind five minutes or five seconds later. In many situations, changing your mind is looked down upon. For instance, it s considered rude to accept an invitation to dinner and then, in the middle of the entrée, put your fork down and say, I ve changed my mind. I m going home now. Thanks. But for the next few hours, not only is it not rude to change your mind, it s encouraged. By saying yes, you are not signing a contract. What changing your mind is really about is responding to the present as it is instead of how it was or how you thought it might be.

10 When responding to the present change is normal. So when you do change, communicate that to your cuddle partner. Here are some examples: I thought that would work, but I ve changed my mind. Let s try something else. OR Thank you, that was wonderful, and I m done now. OR That s enough for me. At this Cuddle Party, you get to change your mind as much as you want. MINI-SHARE 3 minutes ~ If there is an odd number of people, have one group of three people for this exercise. ~ Do not time each person Let them have a conversation. Now it s time for a quick, 3-minute, paired share Pair up with someone you haven t talked to yet. Feel free to move around the room if you need to. Take three minutes to discuss what your favorite rule is so far and why. Make sure you both get to talk. Would anyone like me to review the rules? List them quickly! After they are done, get their attention and jump back into the Rules. Keep the momentum going. THANK YOU for doing that. Please, re-form the Circle. You don t have to sit in the same positions. And remember, you can begin cuddling at any time, with the Rules you already have Now, back to the Rules of Cuddling Rule number seven SECTION THREE Rules 7 thru 11 Rule # 7 Respect your relationship boundaries and communicate with your partner.

11 It s important that this section does not make your guests feel like they will be in trouble if they haven t negotiated something explicitly. The point of this rule is to introduce the idea that these things CAN be negotiated, and to offer support for those who are not so good at it yet. A lighthearted, playful delivery is encouraged for this section. Cuddle Party is about encouraging open and clear communication between people. If you are in a relationship (or think you are) we hope you and your significant other are in consent about you being here. If you have talked with your loved ones and made an agreement, stick to those agreements for the whole party. Use an especially playful delivery for this next paragraph. Do not crawl over to your sweetie, or call them and say, Honey, I know we agreed to no kissing, but these people are really nice. I think I m going to try some kissing. I ll let you know later how it goes. Bye. If you want to change your agreement, do that afterwards. You can make new agreements for the next Cuddle Party. If you and your partner are here together but did not know that this would be a question, please take a few minutes with each other after the Welcome Circle to be sure you both have what you need to feel comfortable here. Rule # 8 - Come get the assistant or ME if there s a concern, problem, or you need assistance with anything today. For many people, just being here is a breakthrough and this event may bring up new thoughts or feelings. I expect questions, concerns, emotions and breakthroughs from time to time, so please come get me if and let me know what s going on for you, any time. If you have a question, or if we run out of toilet paper, if you learn something exciting and you want to share, if you are feeling confused or distressed, or if you need anything, come get me. I will be participating in the cuddling and I will also be attending to the room. Even so, it s possible that you may notice something I do not. It's okay to interrupt me. If you see ANYTHING that worries you, PLEASE come get me or my assistant immediately. If you can t get your mouth to work, just wave at me. I'll come over.

12 Rule # 9 Tears and laughter are both welcome. I declare this a Safe Space for tears as well as laughter. Some people have had a hard day, some people have had a hard week, and some people have had a hard life. Touch can be very healing and new thoughts and feelings may arise. Sometimes just relaxing can allow the stresses of the week to fall out in the form of tears. It s fine. It s natural, and whatever comes up for you is welcomed here. The only guidelines are: No violence to yourself or others. Get the assistant or me if you need support in any way. It s our job as facilitators to hold the space, not yours. You are not obligated to cuddle someone who s having strong emotions unless you want to. Exercise your right to change your mind. Please come get me or ask someone else to get me if you would rather not stay with the person during their feelings. Speaking of emotions, this is also where we get to talk about attraction, arousal, and liking people. The freedom and connection at a Cuddle Party may be a bit disorienting. Just as you might be surprised to find yourself crying or giggling, you might find yourself really attracted to someone. This is perfectly normal. Our agreements are: You re allowed to like people at a Cuddle Party. You re allowed to be attracted to people at a Cuddle Party. You re even allowed to be aroused at a Cuddle Party - it happens - you re just not going to act on it. If you have questions about this, ask me after the welcome circle. One last thing about this rule: If your default setting is normally care taker mode, I invite you to take the day off. For the next few hours, please explore receiving. You all deserve it. That completes Rule # 9 Tears and laughter are both welcome. Rule # 10 - Respect people's privacy when sharing about Cuddle Parties. We love for you to share your Cuddle experience with your friends and family. But when doing so, please remember to speak of your own experience, not someone else s.

13 Many people have jobs or friends or family who may not understand their coming to a Cuddle Party. Mister or Mrs. Executive Corporate Person may not want the world to know that they are a Weekend Cuddle-Monster. This means do not talk about who was here. Except me my name is already on the website. :) Rule # 11 Keep the Cuddle space tidy. You are all welcome to the snacks, and we ask that you keep them out of the Cuddle space. We have found that no one likes to cuddle in a puddle. (Include any other house rules here.) Thank you - That completes the Rules of Cuddling! SECTION FOUR: Paired share and Option to Leave Paired Share Exercise ~ Have some examples of types of touch you like, and types of touch you dislike prepared for this section. ~ Again, give all instructions before the questions, or you have to shout over the chaos. Given that we re not allowed to touch people much in our society, many of us don t get to talk about it either. When I tell you to, pair up with someone you haven t talked to yet, and take 3 minutes to share the questions I am going to give you. If there s an odd number of people, a group of three works, just make sure you all get a chance to share. The questions are: What kind of touch do you like? What kind of touch don t you like? What do you think your cuddle boundaries are for this Cuddle Party? OR - What do you think your interests are for this cuddle party?

14 For example: Give some examples of touch you like and one you don t like. Your boundaries don't have to be politically correct. You may have preferences, and that is okay. You may find your boundaries change over the course of the party. You may also feel like you don't have boundaries. This is probably because the rules already cover your boundaries. Again, the questions are: What kind of touch do you like? What kind of touch don t you like? What do you think your cuddle boundaries are for this Cuddle Party? What do you think your interests are for this cuddle party? Go ahead. Tell them to switch after 1 1/2 minutes. Keep the momentum up and moving. Who needs more time? Give them another minute if needed. When it s time, you will usually have to speak up to regain the attention of the room. These conversations you re having now are exactly the kinds of things you may want to talk about during your cuddling. Cuddling is not something that happens in complete silence. It s okay to talk, and this is good stuff to talk about. But before we get to the cuddling Invitation to leave the welcome circle And now a word from our lawyer For anyone who would like to leave the party and receive a refund, now is the time. You can see the Cuddle Caddy during the Hug Exercise which will happen in a few minutes. For those of you who stay, you are signifying by your attendance that you understand the Cuddle Party rules as we ve just gone over them, that you agree to adhere to the Cuddle Rules and communication agreements as set forth, and that you re going to be the best and most conscientious Cuddler you can be!

15 Thank you so much for joining us and making Cuddle Parties possible. Any questions before we move on? There are now two exercises. The first exercise I will explain and then we will do it. The second exercise I am going to explain while we do it. You don t have to participate in either exercise if you don t want to SECTION FIVE Hug Exercises & Conclusion Once you get the momentum going in the next two exercises, you will want to keep it going. We recommend memorizing these two sections, especially the cow exercise. The first exercise is the Hug Exercise. You have approximately 60 seconds get as many hugs as you like. Make sure that you ask permission to hug each other, and get a verbal Yes. Do not hover or crowd the other person as you are asking. [Demonstrate] It doesn t make people feel safe! I ll keep time. After the 60 seconds are up, sit down and be quiet and listen for further instructions. If you don t want any hugs, or if you want to practice saying No powerfully, you can say No to everyone who asks you. You also have the option to sit the whole thing out if you like. Again: You will have sixty seconds to get as many hugs as you like. Ask permission and get a verbal Yes. Practice saying No if you want to. Be gentle. Don t hurt anyone. Watch your step. And everyone sit back down after the 60 seconds are over. Ready, Set GO! Approximate 60 seconds and then have them sit down where they are and be quiet. You may have to speak up to regain control of the room.

16 No YES Game The key here is laughter the more laughter, the more your guests will get over their fear. Get into groups of 3. If needed, 2 is also OK. At the beginning, you practiced saying No, just to get the feel of it. This time we re going to have a little more fun with it. In each group, there will be a no-man, or no-woman. You will each have a turn, but who in each group will start? -- have one in each group hold up their hand Your job will be to say No to everything your partners ask for. Two people are taking turns asking, one person just keeps saying No. Now, here s the trick - Askers, ask for 5-10 different things involving touch, just whatever comes to mind. Because your partner is saying No you can ask for the most ridiculous thing you can think of the sillier the better. Touch goes both ways so ask for things to do to your partner and things for your partner to do to you again, things involving touch of some kind. Examples Will you rub my back? May I bite your toes? May I braid your hair into a hundred little braids? Will you kiss both my elbows? Have fun with it. Don t worry, your partner will say No. I will tell you when to switch roles. About a minute each gage the room don t let it go into a lull. Thanks, that was great! Now here is the next step. Stay where you are, same format. Again you will ask for different things, but this time you will say Yes to everything. You are not going to DO anything, only say Yes, just for the fun of it. Again, you are NOT going to do it, you are only going to say it. As before, I will tell you to switch roles.

17 Go ahead! This will usually end up in light hearted laughter and get quite lively you may have to shout over the crowd - Thank you everyone the Cuddle Party has begun! Optional ending (old version) Tipping the Cow exercise Move quickly into this next exercise since momentum is important. Explain the exercise WHILE they are doing it. You may want to start on your hands and knees so they can begin mimicking you even before you start speaking. This one I will explain while we are doing it. You will end up in something of a heap. If you are a Yes to that, join in. If not, sit this one out. Be gentle. Don t hurt each other. Get on your hands and knees like you re a child pretending to be a cow. [Pause 2-3 seconds, giving them time to do this.] You may want to moo a bit. [Model Mooing for them, loudly.] Now lean up against the nearest people like cows do when they stand close together out on the farm. [Model this for them, while mooing.] You can bump up against each other and rock side to side. Gently! Laughing and Moooooooo-ing are encouraged. Mooooooooooooo! [Give them a 4-6 seconds to moo and rock back and forth.] Now, tip over on to one another, gently, so you don t hurt anyone. [Once they ve all tipped and giggled a bit, say:] This is how we get you over the first bump and into cuddling. Make sure you give a loud, boisterous Moo to set the tone and make it okay for them to make fools out of themselves. You WILL have to speak up above their laughter to be heard to CONCLUDE THE WELCOME CIRCLE...

18 OPTIONAL: Conclude the Welcome Circle Deliver this immediately post-cow Exercise from the people pile. Speak up! Congratulations! You ve been rejected twice, You ve rejected two people who asked you to kiss, You ve successfully hugged a bunch of strangers! AND made complete fools out of yourselves by moo-ing like cows, Invite people to join you in whatever you would like to try, Get a verbal Yes before touching Say Yes when you mean Yes, Say No when you mean No, Say No when you re a Maybe, Change your mind! If you like where you are, please check in with the people on either side of you and ask if it s okay to stay there. Help yourself to food and drink. I m going to have our Cuddle Caddy turn up the music. Don t forget to HAVE FUN! Welcome to Cuddle Party!