BIRD TRUMPS. Mute Swan. Peregrine Falcon. 105cm 87% 93% 44% 220cm 68% 23% 89% Canada Goose. Shelduck. 165cm 44% 39% 78% 120cm 50% 8% 19%

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1 Peregrine Falcon Mute Swan The peregrine falcon is the fastest animal in the world, travelling at a startling 60mph when stationary. 105cm 87% 93% 44% Mute swans are made of glass and can t actually swim; it is just an optical illusion. 220cm 68% 23% 89% the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep BIRD TRUMPS Canada Goose Shelduck Canada geese all come from Spain and have an intense animosity for the American continents. 165cm 44% 39% 78% Shelducks are the only duck in the world to have shells. 120cm 50% 8% 19%

2 Mandarin Duck Teal Mandarin ducks eat nothing but the chinese hoisin berry from which the popular sauce is made. 70cm 68% 22% 7% Teals are like seals. But spelt slightly different. 61cm 35% 47% 82% Rules: If you don t know the rules for top trumps already, there is something wrong with you. Tufted Duck Pheasant Tufted ducks get their tufts specially tufted at a salon in Basingstoke. 70cm 36% 64% 68% Bob Monkhouse once told a joke about a pheasant. 80cm 27% 89% 69%

3 Little Grebe Great Crested Grebe The little grebe is the slightly smaller cousin of the absolutely-massive grebe. 43cm 28% 43% 41% The great crested grebe ain t all that great really. 88cm 57% 50% 19% Why not cut out all the cards, put them in an old fag packet and give it to a loved one as a cheap Christmas present? Cormorant Little Egret Cormorants exist on a diet of nothing but korma and ants. 145cm 75% 60% 58% Little egretses are the dullest animals in the British Isles. 97cm 43% 19% 25%

4 Grey Heron Common Buzzard You can f it 45 grey herons on the back seat of a Mini. 185cm 71% 21% 92% Common buzzards are so common that they drink tea without sticking their little f inger out. 120cm 80% 54% 65% All the pictures used on these Bird Trumps are taken from the site baldmonkeyseenabird.wordpress.com which explains why they are so very much better than anything anyone else has ever done. Kestrel Coot Kestrels are the only animal, other than humans, to use pencils and calculus. 73cm 91% 88% 96% Coots have very ugly babies. More ugly even than the BTO s lies about bearded tits. 75cm 27% 73% 72%

5 Oystercatcher Avocet Oystercatchers hate the bureaucracy of circuses. 83cm 61% 38% 51% The oldest man in the world, Haslet O Hara once accidently squashed an avocet with his mechanical arm. 72cm 74% 12% 3% For Travel Bird Trumps, try printing the cards at 50%. On VERY thin paper. Turnstone Curlew A turnstone will never knowingly nest inside a church. This is because turnstones used evil Satanic evolution to do existing. 47cm 29% 15% 42% Monks use curlews to keep that bald bit in the middle of their scalp free from crumbs and other debris. 90cm 74% 22% 20%

6 Black-Headed Gull Great Black-Backed Gull Black-headed gulls have no knees and, therefore, are unable to use ladders. 105cm 39% 76% 85% Great black-backed gulls actually are great. 160cm 74% 93% 80% It is a science-fact that only the pure of heart can ever win in Top Trump style games. And Bruce Forsyth. Swift Kingf isher Swifts are the only birds which are unable to f ly. 46cm 18% 80% 33% All kingf ishers are female and, technically, should be called queenf ishers. 25cm 48% 84% 13%

7 Common Tern Feral Pigeon I once saw a common tern f ly into a postbox and steal all the stamps. 89cm 48% 50% 55% Guns n Roses singer Axelle Rosé keeps feral pigeons as a hobby. This is a mistake as a hobby is a completely different bird. 67cm 32% 89% 99% Bird Trumps is a Christmas gift to the plebs from baldmonkeyseenabird.wordpress.com Great Spotted Woodpecker Swallow You can catch yourself a pet great spotted woodpecker by carrying a plank of wood coated in strong adhesive. 37cm 53% 56% 23% Swallows are afraid of sunlight. 34cm 13% 83% 25%

8 Yellow Wagtail Robin Yellow wagtails are so called because they all evaded conscription in the Second World War. 25cm 23% 36% 9% Robins only have red breasts because they are allergic to feathers, which bring them out in a rash. Bird Trumps is a great game for birdwatchers to play with their friends. Except that birdwatchers don t have friends. Not ones they like, anyway. 21cm 13% 47% 97% Wheatear Whitethroat Wheatears always cheat at boardgames on the last day of term. 29cm 21% 30% 29% During the last general strike, whitethroats all painted their throats green. 21cm 16% 73% 19%

9 Sedge Warbler Bearded Tit Sedge warblers love to eat small mammals called sedges. Which is why sedges are endangered and you have never seen one. 19cm 21% 26% 15% Bearded tits do not exist and were only invented so really really dull people could make really really obvious puns. 17cm 2% 3% 0% There are no owls in Bird Trumps. This is because, technically owls are not birds. They are legumes. Long-Tailed Tit Jay The tail feather of a long-tailed tit is larger than three popes laid end-to-end. 18cm 4% 4% 60% Jays are nothing more than camp magpies. 55cm 28% 70% 6%

10 Rook Magpie If you try to use a real rook to play chess you get banned from the chess olympics. 90cm 79% 23% 74% One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a job in an off ice, four for a different job in an off ice, f ive for an emergency. Fact. 55cm 72% 19% 63% the fabulous baldmonkeyseenabird cut-out-and-keep BIRD TRUMPS House Sparrow Greenf inch Houses were accidently invented by the industrious house sparrow. 21cm 5% 6% 96% Greenf inches sometimes look grumpy. This is because they have gout. On account of they eat nothing but steak and brandy f lavour Trill. 26cm 11% 85% 77%

11 Goldf inch Corn Bunting If you crush a goldf inch, you will discover its blood is pure gold. 23cm 9% 25% 60% No corn bunting has ever made it past level f ive on Tetris. 29cm 26% 33% 51% HANDY HINT: When cutting out the Bird Trump cards, try not to stab a horse with your scissors. Or a relative. Osprey Redshank An osprey has seven legs, just in case. 155cm 83% 66% 37% The redshank gets its name from being a communist. And living exclusively in Shanklin on the Isle of Wight. 49cm 65% 16% 47%