THE TROUBLE WITH BEING ENDANGERED a ten-minute play by Jason Sebacher jasonsebacher.com
ii. CAST OF CHARACTERS The second-to-last female panda F in captivity left on earth. Her former lover. M Scene: The panda cages at the zoo. Time: Late afternoon. NOTE ON ACCENTS The pandas are Irish; however, they do not have a high, light, fanciful brogue, but a hard, gritty one--the speech of suffering. NOTE ON COSTUMES They only intimate a panda: regular clothes and black around the eyes and nose. There are none, whatsoever. NOTE ON JOKES
1. ( lies on the floor, rigid, eyes wide open. enters, holding some very pathetic flowers. Pause.) Uh--. (Sigh.) Rosalind. Eh-excuse me. Pardon, Rosalind? I just came by--i don t want to disturb you. You-- You re asleep, aren t you. I should go. Good morning Jack. (He doesn t move at all.) S afternoon actually. Can I, may I come in then? Jack. My dear. Jackie. Yes. Get out of here, Jackie. Save yourself and me the trouble. I... Rosalind. Of course of course--come in. ( takes a step forward into her area, even mimes opening a door or curtain; wipes feet.) I don t want to disturb you--i just came by. What is it, Jackie.
2. I m...i m sorry. About last week. I m sorry I ate your bamboo; it was in your pile of bamboo, clearly--it was on your side, had your scent all over it. (Not hospitably.) Can I get you some tea? Ah, yes, that d be lovely, thank you. (Rising to prepare tea.) Of course he d say yes. Have a seat. Did you hear me, then? About your bamboo--i m sorry I ate it. Biscuits? Rosalind. Biscuits, Jackie. Let s see...we ve got Tillman s, but you ve never really liked Tillman s, have ye? Always said they upset yer stomach, which I ve never understood, so / Well, I just feel terrible about the whole thing-- believe me, really. I completely lost myself. Here we are. Ah, thank you. What are / those? ( brings a tea service.) Oh! These are for you. Sorry. You didn t have to.
3. Sorry. They aren t much. To look at. You know, I believe I ve got a tin of McVities in the back pantry--i ll be right back. I don t care about the biscuits, / Rosalind. Well I ll put your flowers in some water, at any rate. ( gets an empty vase, fills it with water, and returns to the table; puts the vase on the table; sits. puts milk and sugar in his tea.) Feet off the table. (CONT D) (, flustered, jerks his feet off the table and spills on himself.) Sorry. Thank you. Right. How s Margaret? (Pause. pours himself more.) The feckin zoo put me in there with her-- Aye, but she s a fine lass. Is this the tea--darjeeling? Thank you. (Beat. drinks.) You re looking well, Jackie. No, I--. Thank you. You re looking lovely my dear.
4. No need to return it just because I give it to you. What did, ah, François de La Rochefoucauld say? The only reason one gives a compliment is to receive one, ah--something like that, I m I m misquoting it. Le what? The, ah, the 17th-century French maximist. How s Margaret? Have you lost a few pounds. No. New haircut then. No. Well, you look great anyway. Ahem. Margaret was always so lovely--a rose. I m sorry I ate your bamboo last week. I have lost a few pounds, actually: spinning classes. You can tell. No. You can. Thank you then. What s spinning, anyway? S like biking.
5. Ah. (Beat. laughs to himself.) D ye remember, Rosalind, d ye remember that one time, with the rhinoceros, when-- Ah, no, I don t. Ye didn t even let me finish. I don t need to hear the rest of the story. Why then ye do remember it. No, I don t. But ye just said / I don t want to hear it, Jack. How can ye say ye don t remember? We was laughin till our stomachs hurt at the time! Because I don t. But how could you / ( slams down the cup and saucer.) I just! don t. Jackie. Tisn t just sex, with Victor. Who? My, new...mate. Ah. Not just because we were put together, you see.
6. Rosalind. It s love, it is. But ye don t mean it, certainly. Why would I say it if I don t mean it, then, Jackie. Because you hate me. (Pained.) Oh, Jackie. I don t hate you. Do you love me. (Rising.) D y need something, Jackie--more tea. (Rising.) No I don t want any more of yer fecken tea! I want you again-- Well ye can t have me again! You lost that, when ye--. You bastard. (They are facing each other now; he leans in to kiss her, she pulls back. Beat. He leans in again, she slaps him. Pause. sits.) More tea, then, would be nice. ( sits.) That I can give you. Thank you. And a biscuit?
7. Yes, thank you--a few. ( pours more. Pause.) (CONT D) (In a manner that could be construed as impetuous.) You re very beautiful, Rosalind. I ve always thought so, always. Thanks for the biscuits, anyway. I know you do, Jack. And don t worry--about the bamboo, really don t. It s fine. I just feel like a fool. It s fine. (For the tea as well.) Thank you. I ve always loved you. I know you do, Jackie. Did you love me? Do you--. How s Margaret? She s doing well enough I suppose. You suppose. Well she s been depressed as of late, what with being only one of two o th last females on earth-- --thank you. ( pours more for.) (CONT D) Of course. I know how she feels. Tis is a bit different, though, with her. She s not as strong as you are.
8. Right. Had any cubs together you two? No, no. Why not then. She s not you. You really should, or else we might all go extinct soon otherwise. S alright with me. Jack. You re right. I just can t. Think of what ll happen if you don t. I know. Have you? No. (They drink tea.) (CONT D) But you re tellin me I should. Yes, but / And yer tellin me yer in love with him. It s different with you, Jackie. And how s that. You re stronger than I am--not as stubborn.
9. That s true. (They share a small laugh. Pause.) (CONT D) So he s yer...new...husband, the zoo, ah / Yes. How is it? He sleeps, mostly. Ah. Yes, he sleeps mostly. (Pause. They drink tea and eat cookies. Pause. stops drinking; then, does. They look at each other. Pause. cries. Jack cries. A minute s pause, while everyone cries.) (CONT D) This is simply more than I can bear. I miss you, Rosalind. I know. (Lights very slowly fade. End of play.)