Transcription

1 Americans have notoriously poor table manners. We slurp our soup, chomp our chocolate cake, spill our salt, and belch our blessings. And while all this slurping, chomping, spilling, and belching can be seen as quaintly charming, we are no longer living in little wooden shacks in the Ozarks where we prop our feet on the table and scoot aside to make room for our 26 cats, dogs, and other varmints. What we need is some table manners! And this SYW is just the piece that'll give them to you. Before we begin, let us assure you of one thing: this SYW is going to teach you the basic table manners you should use at every meal (or at least at the Red Lobster). We're not going to teach you about lesser-used table items (such as fingerbowls) because frankly, you almost never use those things, and even when you do, no one else will know how to use them either. There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to... GENERAL TIP #1: For all questions involving etiquette, just use your brains Men don't have to get all Victorian and insist on standing up every time a woman leaves or returns to the table. Just be polite. Now, if you're a guest at someone's house, don't sit until the host sits first (unless the host told you to just go sit down at the table). In fact, when dealing with hosts, remember GENERAL TIP #2: Never do anything until the host does it first This includes sit, eat, put your napkin on the table, and leave. After all, the host is paying for the shindig, so at least make him/her feel like (s)he's in charge. OK, so we've overcome the enormous hurdle of getting your rump into the chair. Now it's time to take inventory and figure out which stuff is yours. We've all gone to a dinner and used our neighbor's fork, glass, bread plate, or husband. My, how embarrassing! So here's a shortcut so that you can know exactly what is yours: (1) Your plate is in the center. (2) Knives and spoons

2 are on your right, and forks and your napkin on the left. (3) Liquids (e.g., your water) go to your right, and solids (e.g., bread plate) go on your left. Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout in front of you may look like: There might be more forks, knives, or spoons, depending on what the meal is, but you get the general idea. If you need another shortcut, remember that your drink is always on the right because the first two letters in the word "DRink" stand for "Drink Right." Catchy, eh? Just know that your bread plate is on the other side, and you're set! One note if you happen to be the host: remember that all items (e.g., salad, meal, wine, water) should be brought to each diner's RIGHT, and cleared from each diner's LEFT. That's why the glasses are all on the right. There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to... OK, hot shot. You know where your stuff is. But now it's time to know how to use everything properly. Take your napkin and place it in your lap right away when you sit down. (It should never be on the table.) Don't get fancy and try to snap it open. Just put it on your lap (NOT into your shirt). If you're a man, do not put your tie over your shoulder. Now you can take some bread from the breadbasket. Take only one slice of bread. (It's OK to rip it from the loaf with your hands, but be neat. Don't declare war on the bread and cheer when you get your slice separated.) Here's a common mistake: DO NOT butter your bread at this point. Yeah, you heard us. This is how to do it: 1. Take some butter, and put it on your plate, not on the bread. Now you have your own little pile of butter and won't continually fish from the communal butter dish. 2. Tear a bite-size piece off of your bread. 3. Butter that bite-sized piece from your own little butter pile. 4. Eat it with delight.

3 The first part of the meal comes: the appetizers. But what utensil should you use? You can find the answer in GENERAL TIP #3: Use your utensils from the outside in The fork furthest to the outside is the one you should use for the appetizer. When the next part of the meal comes, use the next outermost fork, and so on. Same deal goes for the spoons and knives. If you're in a fancy restaurant or a party at Buckingham Palace, you might be lucky enough to have waiters who will remove any utensils you won't need. But even if you do not have this luxury, we still implore: use your brains! You won't use a knife to eat your soup. You won't use a spoon to eat your salad. But let's say that you lose track of your utensils and get lost. Then, proceed to GENERAL TIP #4: If you're not sure what to do, wait and see what your neighbor does. If that offers no clue, then just fake it Chances are, nobody's watching you closely enough to see that you're using your dinner fork instead of the salad fork (the salad fork is the smaller one). Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't make a big deal of it. Just take a guess and eat. If you used the wrong utensil, the waiter will bring you a replacement. Here is the proper technique for using a fork and knife. Assuming you are right-handed, hold the fork in your left hand and knife in your right. With the tines facing downward (curving towards you), hold down an end-piece of whatever you are cutting (let's assume it's meat). Do not hold the knife or fork like a dagger, but rather, place your index finger along the top of each utensil, holding each at the end. This gives you greater control without looking like you're hacking into the poor dead animal. Gently, using a sawing motion, cut the meat near the tines of the fork, so that you have one bite-sized piece. Then, lay the knife down (without allowing it to touch the table), and switch the fork (complete with pierced meat) to your right hand. Bring it up to your mouth, chew quietly, and swallow when the meat is sufficiently masticated. This is called the American (or Zig-Zag) method of cutting food. The Continental (or European) method consists of not switching hands, and using the left hand for all fork-related activities. Before we move on, remember the thing we said about not letting the knife touch the table? That's because

4 GENERAL TIP #5: You should never let any utensils, once used, EVER touch the table again This includes leaning a fork onto the plate, or using a knife and putting it back in its original place. The original reason is because the utensil could dirty the tablecloth (a major faux pas) and result in a cleaning bill for the host. So once a utensil is used, it's lifespan is over. Get over it, and leave it on the plate at all times. One last note should be made about soup. Many people do not know how to correctly use a soup spoon, so we will supply you with GENERAL TIP #6: Do not put the entire soup spoon in your mouth Instead, fill a soup spoon about 75% with soup, bring it up to your mouth, and sip it from the side with as little slurping as possible. When your soup runs low, it's acceptable to tip your bowl away from you so that you can capture the last bits of soup, but don't do that more than twice. And remember to lower your spoon into your soup gently so that it doesn't bang the bottom of the bowl. Imagine 20 people eating soup and banging their bowl bottoms. So now you are sitting at a lovely dinner, using your eating utensils in the most proper way possible. And then you let an enormous burp fly. Whoops! There are a lot more to table manners than just using the right fork. You also have to have correct manners with regard to how you eat. Posture Always sit straight up in your chair, never leaning backward, nor forward. Never let your elbows touch the table (though you can put your hands on the table all you want). When eating, do not bring your face toward the plate (a la a pig's trough), but bring the utensil up to you. You're the master! But what if you drop something? You should suavely signal a waiter so that (s)he could replace the item. (Don't pick up the dirty fork and put it on the table. That's just gross.) But if it's your napkin that escaped, just excuse yourself as you lean down, pick it up, and continue with whatever you were doing.

5 Passing stuff If someone asks for something to be passed to him or her, only reach for it if you are the closest one to the item. In that case, take the one item and place it directly next to your neighbor. (Do not pass it hand-to-hand.) Continue passing the item in this manner until the original requester has the item. And oddly enough, you are not allowed to help yourself to the item until the original requester gets a chance at it (after all, (s)he asked first). When that person is done, you can ask the item to be passed back to you, and enjoy! Salt and pepper An additional note needs to be made about using salt and pepper: if someone asks you to pass the salt, do it in the same manner above, but pass BOTH the salt and pepper (even if only one of the two were asked for). Again, do not use guerrilla tactics and try to use the salt until after the original requester had a chance with it. Also, NEVER use salt or pepper on your food until after you have already tasted it. It's a huge insult to the cook if you try to add flavor before even tasting it stag. And while we think it's blatantly obvious, we'd feel guilty if we didn't remind you: don't ever season a dish that everyone is supposed to share (not with salt, pepper, catsup, parmesan cheese, not with anything). Keep your own creative additions to your own plate. "Embarrassing" Moments Did you burp? Did you spill something? Did your pet monkey poop on the table? To handle these little unfortunate accidents, just try to channel the aura of James Bond and think: be classy, be classy, be classy. If anything comes out of your mouth other than speech (e.g., burp, hiccup, chicken nugget), just excuse yourself quietly (to nobody in particular), and put your napkin to your lips. This is a good time to talk about general napkin etiquette. Never smear your napkin all over your face, or wipe your mouth hard. Just use it to blot your mouth. But if you spill something, then follow GENERAL TIP #7: If you spill something, don't make a big deal of it It happens. Just be calm, quietly apologize, try to prevent anything from spilling over onto the people sitting next to you with your napkin, and get a waiter to help you control the damage. If something spills onto someone's clothes, do NOT try to get it off his or her clothes. That's technically known as a "sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen." Point it out, let them clean

6 it up, offer to pay the dry cleaning bill, and then let it go. Hey, as we all learned when we were two years old, accidents happen, and they can often be wet and messy. Just keep your cool. Oh, and if your pet monkey poops on the table, then carefully remove the primate, and take everyone out to a very expensive restaurant where monkey brains are on the menu. Then everybody will laugh! No. Using your fingers A big question regarding eating properly is when it's OK to use your fingers, and when you must use a utensil. While we provide a small list of finger foods, there is a tip you can follow, which is... GENERAL TIP #8: If you're not sure whether or not you can eat something with your fingers, just use a utensil Hey, we're not brain surgeons here, but this just makes sense. Better to be over-careful than under-careful. As for foods that you can eat with your fingers, they include: artichoke asparagus (as long as there is no goo on it, and it's not too long) bacon (but only if it is crisp) sandwiches cookies small fruits or berries with stems french fries and potato chips hamburgers and hot dogs corn on the cob caviar pickles Pacing This is not the Indy 500, and the food is not going to walk away. So take your time! Don't fill your mouth with too much food. Try to keep the same eating pace as your host, so that you all finish at the same time. It is not a compliment when someone leans over and says "Boy, good thing you didn't eat the plate" or "Wanna finish some time before the next thaw?"

7 Mom-isms Just think of this as the potpourri of things you've heard all your life about table manners. Most of them were 100% correct: don't grab food don't talk with your mouth full chew with your mouth closed and no noise excuse yourself if you get up to go somewhere (e.g., bathroom, to make a call) don't pick something out of your teeth (just excuse yourself to the bathroom) don't leave lipstick smears on anything don't put crap on the table (meaning a purse, papers, keys, or monkey poop) don't smoke don't tilt or squirm in your chair Phew! You made it through the entire meal, and you are just about ready to leave! So how do you end with a good impression (aside from the one you left on the seat)? Well, since you read the section on pacing and everyone else is just about done, here's the landing procedure: place your knife and fork on the plate so that they are parallel to each other, at the eleven o'clock position (a diagonal from bottom right to top left) with the points facing away from you. This is different from the "X" position, with the knife and fork crossing like an X over your plate, which indicates that you are not done with the plate, but merely resting between bites. To correctly use the "X" position, the fork bottom should be on the left, and the knife bottom on the right. Place your napkin next to your plate on the table (but again, NEVER until everyone is done eating and drinking). Place it loosely (not twisted or crumpled) and don't put it on the chair (or the chair might get dirty). And after the bill is paid, stand up, make sure you have your belongings, and get the hell out of that oppressive environment of manners and etiquette and whatnot. Now you can go home, put your smelly old feet on the coffee table, and eat as we were all meant to: stuffing our faces with popcorn and spitting watermelon seeds into a jug that has never been cleaned out -- all the while knowing how to fake good manners with the best of them. Happy dining!

8 Basic Table Manners It is inappropriate to ask for a doggy bag when you are a guest. Save the doggy bag for informal dining situations. It is best to order foods that can be eaten with a knife and fork. Finger foods can be messy and are best left for informal dining. Do not order alcoholic beverages. Drinking too much when dining out is one of the most disliked behaviors. Do not smoke while dining out. Sit up straight at the table. It makes a good impression. When you are not eating, keep your hands on your lap or resting on the table (with wrists on the edge of the table). Elbows on the table are acceptable only between courses, not while you are eating. Do not season your food before you have tasted it. Never chew with your mouth open or make loud noises when you eat. Although it is possible to talk with a small piece of food in your mouth, do not talk with your mouth full. Do not slurp soup from a spoon. Spoon the soup away from you when you take it out of the bowl and sip it from the side of the spoon. If your soup is too hot to eat, let it sit until it cools; do not blow on it. If food gets caught between your teeth and you can't remove it with your tongue, leave the table and go to a mirror where you can remove the food from your teeth in private. Eat rolls or bread by tearing off small bite size pieces and buttering only the piece you are preparing to eat. When ready for another piece, repeat the same process. Engage in table conversation that is pleasant but entirely free of controversial subjects. You should not leave the table during the meal except in an emergency. If you must go to the bathroom or if you suddenly become sick, simply excuse yourself. Later you can apologize to the host by saying that you didn't feel well. If you need something that you cannot reach easily, politely ask the person closest to the item you need to pass it to you. For example, "After you have used them yourself, would you please pass me the salt and pepper?" If a piece of your silverware falls onto the floor, pick it up if you can reach it and let the server know you need a clean one. If you cannot reach it, tell the server you dropped a piece of your silverware and ask for a clean one.

9 If you or someone you are dining with is left-handed, it is best for the left-handed person to sit at the left end of the table or at the head of the table. This arrangement helps ensure that everyone has adequate elbow room to eat comfortably. If food spills off your plate, you may pick it up with a piece of your silverware and place it on the edge of your plate. Never spit a piece of bad food or tough gristle into your napkin. Remove the food from your mouth using the same utensil it went in with. Place the piece of food on the edge of your plate. If possible, cover it with some other food from your plate. 12 Basic Table Manners for Kids Whether in a restaurant or in a home, here are some basic table manners to teach kids: 1. Eat with a fork unless the food is meant to be eaten with fingers. Only babies eat with fingers. 2. Don't stuff your mouth full of food, it looks gross, and they could choke. 3. Chew with your mouth closed. No one wants to be grossed out seeing food being chewed up or hearing it being chomped on. This includes no talking with your mouth full. 4. Don't make any rude comments about any food being served. It will hurt someone's feelings. 5. Always say thank you when served something. Shows appreciation. 6. If the meal is not buffet style, then wait until everyone is served before eating. It shows consideration. 7. Eat slowly, don't gobble up the food. Someone took a long time to prepare the food, enjoy it slowly. Slowly means to wait about 5 seconds after swallowing before getting another forkful. 8. When eating rolls, break off a piece of bread before buttering. Eating a whole piece of bread looks tacky. 9. Don't reach over someone's plate for something, ask for the item to be passed to you. Shows consideration.

10 10. Don't pick anything out of your teeth, it's gross. If it bothers you that bad, excuse yourself and go to the restroom to pick. 11. Always use a napkin to dab your mouth, which should be on your lap when not in use. Remember, dab your mouth only. Don't wipe your face or blow your nose with a napkin, both are gross. Excuse yourself from the table and go the restroom to do those things. 12. When eating at someone's home or a guest of someone at a restaurant, always thank the host and tell them how delicious it was, even if it wasn't. Again, someone took time, energy, and expense to prepare the food, show your appreciation. (quiz) (quotes)

11 Basic Table Manners Good basic table manners are important because they ensure that both guests and hosts are comfortable at the table. Table manners are mostly common sense. Following these will carry you through most common situations from Formal Dinners to a night of poker with the guys. 1. Sit up straight. Try not to slouch or lean back in your chair (even if you are playing cards and don't want you opponents to see your hand). 2. Don't speak with your mouth full of food. Sure, you've heard your mother say it a hundred times, but no one likes to see a ball of masticated meat in your mouth. If you feel you must speak immediately, if you have only a relatively small bite, tuck it into your cheek with your tongue and speak briefly. 3. Chew quietly, and try not to slurp. This is a corollary of rule number 2. Making noises is not only unappetizing, and distracting, but it can also interrupt the flow of conversation. 4. Keep bites small. In order to facilitate the above rules it is smart to keep bite sizes to a moderate forkful. Cut meat and salad so that it doesn't hang from your mouth after you shovel it in. Don't cut all of your meat at one time, this tends to remind people of feeding small children - and the messiness associated with this activity. 5. Eat at a leisurely pace. This rule, besides being good for the digestion, also shows your host that you want to enjoy the food and the company. Eating quickly and running is sign of disrespect for the host, as it shows that your focus is on the food and that you would rather be at home watching the grass grow than passing time with your host. 6. Don't wave utensils in the air, especially knives or if there is food on them. Besides the danger of knocking over glasses, piercing waiters or launching a pea into the eye of your date, this is a sign of over-excitedness that may be unappealing to those present. Earnestness is to be commended, but irrational exuberance goes beyond the limits of good table manners. 7. Keep your elbows off the table. You have also heard this one from your mother, ad infinitum, but in close dining situations it is a vital rule. Elbows take up table space and can be a danger in knocking plates or glasses. Elbows on the table give you something to lean on and tend to lull you into slouching. If you must lean on the table a good tactic is to take a roll or piece of bread into your free hand and rest part of your forearm on the table.

12 8. Don't Reach. You don't want to get in the way of people either eating or talking. Not only is it as impolite as standing in front of a TV with other people behind you, but there is always the possibility of upsetting glasses or running your sleeve through someone's mashed potatoes. 9. Don't forget please and thank you. These are handy words in most situations but especially vital at the table where common courtesies are noticed by everyone present. 10. Excuse yourself when leaving the table. You don't want people to think that you are tired of their company. If you must leave the table make your excuses somewhat obvious and appear to be pressing. You want to leave people with the impression that you would rather remain at the table talking with them than doing anything else, but the matter at hand is so pressing that it must be attended to at once. tasty." It is always pleasant to end a meal on a positive note. 12. Wipe your mouth before drinking. Ever notice that disgusting smudge on the edge of your wine glass? This can be avoided by first wiping your lips with your napkin. (Thanks to Lindy Hill for this contribution.)