C H A P T E R 0 The Cool-Down Talk Since I m not a doctor, or a college professor, or the host of a daytime TV talk show, what qualifies me to write a book about the fear of fatherhood? I m happy to say I have three important qualifications: (1) I m a dad, which is a far more important, more gratifying, and more fascinating job than being a doctor, college professor, and daytime talk show host put together. (2) I m a 100% regular guy (just like you). Personally I hate books written by those overly sensitive touchy-feely guys who normally 1
C H A P T E R 0 write books like this. For example, rather than walking in the park and playing with puppies, I prefer to watch the NFL draft on a big screen TV. I m a martial artist, a bad golfer, and I spent years playing in rock bands. Now I m a gadget geek who writes books on digital imaging software. I somehow got lucky enough to marry a stunningly beautiful woman who s honestly way out of my league (just ask any of my friends), and after eight years of marriage, we had a son (henceforward known as the greatest little boy in the whole wide world ). But perhaps what qualifies me the most is: (3) I absolutely, positively didn t want to have kids. Why? Because I had a real fear of fatherhood. Now, I didn t have the usual fear guys have of I m not sure I ll make a good dad. I had the other one. The I don t want to give up my fun-filled carefree life of wining and dining for a miserable world of whining and diapers. At least, that s what I thought it would be. Okay, I probably had a little of the I m not sure I ll make a good dad thing going on too, but I was so busy worrying about all the great things I d be giving up, I didn t have time to think how lame I might be as a dad. As this book goes on, you ll find out why that all changed for me, but this really isn t about me. It s about one of my best friends and mentors, John Graden. 2
T H E B O O K F O R G U Y S W H O D O N T WA N T K I D S John is pretty much your average guy in his 40s with the possible exception that he s a world-class martial arts master (a seventh degree black belt, who was the protegé of karate legend Joe Lewis, who was the protegé of Bruce Lee just in case you care). He s one of the best known and most respected names in the martial arts industry today, and he s another one of those NFL-lovin, golf freak, techno-geek, SportsCenter-watchin guys (just like me). A few years ago I was training to earn my black belt in taekwondo, and I asked John if I could come over one day and have him show me some pointers on sparring (knowing all the while that I d be pummeled to death by this world class fighter). As it turned out, the finer points lasted more than six months, training in the searing Florida summer heat ( John was from the old blood and guts school of martial arts, so things like air conditioning were pretty much out of the question). Well, during this brutal summer of training, one day John told me his wife was pregnant. At this point, I was already a dad and knew what it meant, so I gave him a big congratulations but I could tell he wasn t happy about it. At all. He looked like the doc had told him he had six months to live. I started to tell him how great it was going to be, but he clearly didn t want to talk about it, so I didn t press it. (After all, he told me this while we were putting on our gloves, headgear, and mouthpieces. Not a good time to put a champion fighter into a bad mood, so I let it go.) 3
C H A P T E R 0 Weeks go by, and one afternoon I arrived for another blood and guts session (my blood, by the way), and his wife, Lynette (whom I ve known for years, and who is a truly wonderful person), met me out at John s dojo to let me know that he was running a bit late. But she stuck around as I was getting my sparring gear on and she said, I m sure John s told you, I m pregnant. I offered my hearty congratulations, but she had tears in her eyes. John s not very happy about this, she said. He really doesn t want to have kids. I tried to persuade her that he was just nervous (hey, what else could I say?) but she obviously knew John s feelings on the topic much better than I did and there was no way around it John was not happy about his impending fatherhood. Lynette, with tears in her eyes, said, Scott, you love being a father so much, and you re so delighted with your son. Do you think you d mind having a talk with John, and letting him know it s not all bad? That he ll enjoy being a dad. Scott, I know he ll be a really great father, but he doesn t think so and really doesn t want anything to do with it. He really respects your opinion and if he hears it from you, I think it ll really make a difference. I told her I d do my best, and about then John rolled in and within a few minutes we were warming up for our workout. After our workouts, we d always do a 15-minute cool-down walk. We d usually talk about fighting, or business, or what s the quickest route to the hospital should I black out during the walk stuff like that. Well, I seized the 4
T H E B O O K F O R G U Y S W H O D O N T WA N T K I D S moment and started into my fear of fatherhood talk with John. It took more than the usual 15 minutes, but it was a good talk. While I was talking to him I could actually start to see a transformation in his attitude, just by the questions he was asking, and the interest he was showing; but you never really know how a talk like this will ultimately be received. About two weeks later, I got a call at home from Lynette. She said, Scott, I don t know what you said to John on that walk, but he is a totally changed man. He s so involved, so excited, and he s just done a 180 turnaround. I just can t thank you enough. Now, it s years later, and John has his second little boy. John is every bit the father Lynette knew he would be, and today he is without a doubt one of the most devoted, loving, thrilled to be a dad guys on the planet, and one of the best fathers I know (so much so that I asked him to add his own comments about the experience of being a dad at the end of this book). So what did I say on that cool-down walk with John? You re about to find out, because that s what this book is it s what I said to John on that walk. But this time, I m saying it to you. 5
C H A P T E R 1 You Still Get to Do Your Favorite Stuff Plus, You Get Some Cool New Stuff When John and I started our walk, I quickly steered the conversation over to his impending fatherhood (hey, I only had 15 minutes so I had to work fast). I knew I d better start right off the bat with what I figured was probably his biggest fear (a pretty safe bet, since most of the guys I ve talked with over the years pretty much shared the same #1 fear): The fear that freaks out would-be dads is that once they have a baby, they ll have to give up all the things they love to do. Going to a sports bar after the game? Out! Going to the game itself? Out! Hanging out with the guys? Out! Dinner and a movie? Out! You re probably afraid that once you have a kid, your world will become a world of crying babies, dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and bloodshot eyes. 7
C H A P T E R 1 Look, I d be lying if I told you that you ll be able to do every single thing you did before you were a dad (well, you could still do them all, you d just be a really bad dad), but I will tell you this, and it s absolutely the truth it won t matter. I know that s a pretty bold statement, but once you have a kid, you ll find out that your personal priorities have changed. I m not talking about your fatherly responsibility and all that; I m talking about what you, personally, find important. This is something that you ll do on your own, not something that will be done to you. Before the baby came, you didn t miss a Saturday college game, but once the baby s here, not only will you miss many Saturday games, you simply just won t care if you miss them. I must admit that this is one of the hardest concepts to come to grips with in the entire book, because you re sitting there thinking, This guy is whacked if he thinks I d rather be on the floor with a rattle than watching the game on my big screen, but that s one of the most amazing things about this whole process things that used to be so incredibly important suddenly (and almost overnight) become somehow not that important. Here s the thing: Babies make you do weird stuff. Not all babies, mind you your baby. There is no more powerful object on the planet than your own baby. Here are two examples rolled into one. Close your eyes and think back to your first serious girlfriend. If she s not the one that broke your heart, keep scrolling through your mental Rolodex 8
T H E B O O K F O R G U Y S W H O D O N T WA N T K I D S until you come to that girl back in middle school or high school that really broke your heart. Really took it out, jumped on it again and again, and then kicked it in the dirt. Remember how that felt? It was the worst feeling in the world, right? Out in public with your friends, you acted as if you couldn t care less about her, but in private, you were just about down on the floor in the fetal position engulfed in a gutwrenchingly painful heartbreak that knew no bounds. At that point you would have done anything, said anything, spent anything, changed anything just to get her back (I ve been there; most of my buddies have been there). But time goes on, you mature, you get other girlfriends better girlfriends, prettier girlfriends and that once all-important girl becomes a faded memory. In fact, if you could have her back right now, today, you wouldn t. You wouldn t give up your current girlfriend (wife or fiancée) to go back with that seemingly magical girl you pined for back in high school. Not for a million bucks. So what happened? This girl used to be the most important thing in the world to you your life, your love, your only true happiness and you couldn t imagine living another day without her. But now you wouldn t have her. You changed. On your own. Things happened in your life (better girlfriends, prettier girlfriends, etc.) and that relationship that was once so incredibly important seems silly now. That s exactly what I m talking about when it comes to your kid. 9
C H A P T E R 1 Once you have your own child, all these things that seem so important now (the college games on Saturday, hangin out with your buddies, etc.) will be voluntarily replaced with something that will become so important to you (spending time with your child) that all the stuff that you re giving up will become, well, silly. Does this mean you ll never want to have a drink with the guys? Nope. Does it mean you won t get to watch the game? Not at all. You ll still do most of the things you love, they just won t be as important to you as they are right now. You ll miss a game so you can be with your daughter for her first visit to the zoo. You ll miss playing softball on Saturday because your kid is taking his first steps and you ve got to be there to catch it on video. You ll want to be there. You wouldn t miss it for the world. This is one thing I can absolutely promise you. Everything you give up, everything you stop doing, every good time you think you re losing will be replaced by something so much more important to you, so much more fun, so much more fulfilling, that you will be absolutely amazed at how little you care about missing the game, or the guys, or work, or everything else. That s the most important thing to remember that you won t mind one little bit. Your personal priorities, what s really important to you, will have changed forever, but you will do the changing yourself, not with anyone else s urging or coercion. Ask any dad. 10