THE NO LIST Saying no can feel stressful. Here are all the no s we ve said lately: Can you meet me for coffee to help me with my book proposal? No. Are you coming to our housewarming party? No. Can you give a department Ted Talk this month? NO. Do you want to take the kids in the family to see a play next week? No. I learned to say no. Saying no is often saying yes to the right things. Here s strategies and examples.
Step 1: Prepare yourself to say No. Take good care of you first, by saying no. It is much easier to say no to an invitation or request when we have a concrete reason and methodology for doing so a way to justify our refusal beyond the vague notion that we are just avoiding the commitment in question. For example, one rule I have for myself is that I don t go out (dinners, coffees, a movie, visiting whatever) more than two nights in a given week, because I know that when I do this, I feel overextended, tired, and run down. So if someone asks me about a third evening one week, I have the structure I need to tell them (Oh Carol, I ve accepted too many invitations already this week are you free next week?) In addition to making rules for myself, I block out time on my calendar for things like writing (in the morning, when I m most productive), walking (in the afternoon, when I need a break), and for tackling administrative tasks. This means that a lot of time on my calendar is blocked out, which can be really annoying to people who are trying to make an appointment with me. At the same time, blocking time out for the things I need to do to feel calm makes it totally clear to me why I am not available. This makes it much easier to give a good no (because I remember the yeses in my life). Step 2: JUST SAY NO, 21 ways, under 21 circumstances. (here s my preformatted list) 1. Vague but effective: Thank you for asking, but that isn t going to work out for me. 2. It s not personal: (Thank you for asking, then insert the personal reason for refusal) Example: Thank you for asking, but I m not doing any interviews while I m (writing my book ). 3. Ask me later: I really want to do that, but I m not available until April. Will you ask me again then? 4. Let me hook you up: I can t do it, but I ll bet Shelly can. I ll ask her for you, if you would like. 5. Keep trying: None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates, and let s make it happen.
6. Tried me last minute: I can t put anything else on my calendar this month (notice you re not outing them for their last minute mess), but I d love to do that with you or for you in the future. I will check back in on you and I would love to see how it went, please keep me posted on how it goes. Thinking about you, and looking forward to catching up soon. 7. Gratitude: (Express gratitude first) Thank you so much for your enthusiasm and support (or other adjectives)! I m sorry I m not able to help you at this time. 8. Give Dad a chance: You know, I feel like moms are always getting to do the holiday parties at school. Let s ask Dads if they want to help this year. 9. 5-minute favor: I can t speak at your event, but I will help you promote it on my Instagram or pass the word. 10. Just No: Thank you but, I ll have to pass on that. (Say it, then shut up.) 11. Gracious: I really appreciate you asking me, but my time is already committed. 12. I m Sorry: I wish I could, but it s just not going to work right now. 13. It s Someone Else s Decision: I have to decline. I promised my coach (therapist, husband, close friends etc.) I wouldn t take on any more projects right now. I m working on creating more balance in my life. 14. My Family is the Reason: Thanks so much for the invite, that s the day of my son s soccer game, and I never miss those. 15. I m Already Booked: I appreciate you thinking of me, but I m afraid I m already booked that day or have a prior commitment. 16. Setting Boundaries: Let me tell you what I can do Then limit the commitment to what will be comfortable for you. EXAMPLE: Oh Amy planning a teacher recognition
night sounds so amazing! You are so thoughtful and sweet. I cannot help with favors, but I can say the welcome at the event. 17. Not No, But Not Yes: Let me think about it, and I ll get back to you. 18. Let it all hang out: Name your circumstance tactfully so people back off. Example: Recently, my co-worker s dog got attacked by another dog. My co worker s dog died. She informed people what was going on, which sort of shut down the requests for a bit. This is a strategy to use when life hands you a predicament. Example: I won t be talking on any new commitments until my son s season is over, until my house repairs are finished, until my committee rotation ends, etc 19. Make a declarative statement: I m underwater right now. We need a safety word for saying no an easy way to tell people that we can t/won t do the thing they are requesting, but that it s not personal I m underwater is my phrase to let people know that I m asking them to respect that I m taking care of myself right now and saying no is healthy for me in that moment and that I also respect their need to take care of themselves. (I use this when I have too many dead line driven projects going on). 20. I have competing priorities: when you need a graceful out. Example: Sarah I wish I could write your letter of recommendation. Presently, due to many deadlines and competing priorities I don't think it would be wise for me to agree to write your letter. I would not want to compromise your application process in any way. My heart says yes but wisdom cautions no. Please keep me posted. I am both cheering for you and thinking of you. 21. It s not you it s me. State that you want to be at your best for them but you can t for whatever reason. So no. EXAMPLE: Can I come to talk to you right now? Sarah I want to give you my full undivided attention and best listen to you undistracted. Next (week, tomorrow.name the time) would be better can we do it then? Other points Be timely in your response about no. The longer you let an uncommitted decision linger (especially through email), you could feel pressured to agree. SO RSVP s, request for help, invitations etc if you re answer is no be quick and timely (this can be done sweetly)
Plenty of research suggests that when we make a decision in a way that allows us to change our minds later, we tend to be a lot less happy with the decisions that we make. Say no firmly and be ok with that. So once we decline an invitation, we need to make an effort to focus on the good that will come from saying no, not the regret or guilt we feel about turning down an offer. Perhaps we will be better rested because we didn t go to a party, or we ll feel less resentful because we let someone else help out. Maybe saying no to one thing frees up time for another (more joyful) activity. Whatever the case may be, focus on the positive outcome of your effort to give good no. Good self care is not selfish. People pleasing can sabotage your self care can possibly make you irritable or resentful. Being clear on your top priorities and accomplishing those, positions you to be your best self for other people. The airlines have it right: PUT ON YOUR OXYGEN MASK FIRST, then help other people. Saying yes to detriment is dangerous, no matter how good the cause, important the person, temptation to be well liked is, fear of being labeled selfish.it doesn t matter. Sometimes no is smart, healthy, and ultimately best. Because that is what all this saying no is really about: Allowing ourselves to really enjoy what we are doing in the moment, whatever that might be and being our best self for ourselves as well as other people.