1 Reading # 1 AND Oh, hey, Kate Monster! Princeton! Hi! Say, Kate can I ask you a question? Sure! What s your purpose in life? Oh! Well I m a kindergarten teaching assistant. Right. But what s your purpose? Your dream! Your mission! Nobody ever wants to know that! I do!
2 (Blushing) Well, since you asked No. I can t! I hardly know you! Awww, come on! Okay. When I was a little Monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go. So my dream is to start a special school, only for Monsters. So that, in short, is my purpose. (beat0 But I m not an egghead! I like to have fun and party So you re, like, all into Monster stuff! Uh-huh! Do you know Trekkie Monster upstairs? Uh-huh! Well, he s Trekkie Monster and you re Kate Monster. Right.
3 You re both Monsters. KATEMONSTER Yeah. Are you two related? KATEMONSTER (SHOCKED!) What? Princeton! I m surprised at you! I find that racist! I m sorry. I was just asking. KATEMONSTER Well, it s a touchy subject. No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying to say that we all look the same to you? No, not at all. I m sorry. I guess that was a little racist. I should say so. KATEMONSTER
1 Reading # 2 AND NICKY ( sits in his tasteful apartment, with a book) Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, BROADWAY MUSICALS OF THE 1940s. No roommate to bother me. How can it get better than this? Oh, hi, Rod! Hi, Nicky. (NICKY enters cheerfully) NICKY NICKY Hey, Rod, you ll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me and talking to me. That s very interesting. (uninterested) NICKY He was being real friendly, and you know, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might ve thought I was gay. (uncomfortable) Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don t care. What did you have for lunch today? Rod, there s no need to get NICKY
2 I m not getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met? I m trying to read. (A moment. returns to his book) NICKY Oh, I didn t mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it s something we should be able to talk about. I don t want to talk about it! Nicky, this conversation is over! (Beat) Over!
1 Reading #3 LUCY THE SLUT AND (voiced by same actress) Yeah? LUCY Oh, it s you. LUCY Are you the cleaning lady? I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton? LUCY He s hosing off in the shower. You need something? I wanted to leave him this not, is all. LUCY Aww, man, that kid kept me busy all night. Say, baby, you mind checking to see if there are any scratch marks on my back? Oh, yes, I see them. It looks like they say, Help me. LUCY
2 LUCY LUCY
1 Reading #4 MRS. THISTLETWAT AND Hello? (KATE picks up the phone) MRS. THISTLETWAT Good afternoon, Katherine. You may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced! Oh my God! MRS. THISTLETWAT You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you!? I I overslept I m so sorry - MRS. THISTLETWAT I should have never hired a Monster! What? MRS. THISTLETWAT Your race is notoriously lazy! Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch!
2 MRS. THISTLETWAT Crabby old bitches are the bedrock of this nation! I regret the day I hired you! That s okay, because I quit! MRS. THISTLETWAT No, I m going to fire you! But you can t fire me because I quit! MRS. THISTLETWAT You re going to hell, Katherine! See ya there!
Reading #5 BAD IDEA BEARS AND Hey, Princeton! It s us! Who are you? BAD IDEA BEAR BAD IDEA BEAR The Bad idea Bears! We re your friends! Where ya goin? I m almost broke. So I m gonna get a job while I look for my purpose. Did the check come in from your folks? Yeah. BAD IDEA BEAR BAD IDEA BEAR Then you ve got plenty of money! You should celebrate! You need to do something for you. Buy some beer! Yeah! Buy some beer! Gee, I shouldn t be spending my parent s money on beer. BAD IDEA BEAR (Very sad) Oh. Okay. That makes me sad, thinking about you not having any fun. I m gonna cry.(weeping) Gosh, I m sad. Some days, I wish I was dead. You know? Maybe I could afford a six-pack. How bout a case! BAD IDEA BEAR
Reading #6 BRIAN (with ) Princeton! Yeah. BRIAN BRIAN Listen, buddy, nobody s seen you for two weeks. What s up with that? I went to work for a temp agency and they fired me for being too depressing on the phone. I maxxed out my cards, I m two months behind in rent, I totally messed up my personal life and, Brian I still haven t found my purpose. (A moment) Wanna hear a joke? Sure. BRIAN BRIAN So there s an octopus in line at the grocery store and in his cart is a can of soup, a vibrator and a redhead with gigantic tits. Yeah? (A moment) BRIAN I haven t figured out the punch line yet. Got any ideas?
1 Reading # 7 (with ) (A bit sad) I think it s wonderful that you have someone so special in your life. Are you okay, Rod? Christmas Eve, you re a therapist, right? I have two master degree! So you help people who have all kinds of problems? Nobody want to come to me for helping. I meet with people, we talking for an hour, then they go away and never come back. And I wonder: why? Am I fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out! Why, Rod? Do you need some helping? Well I have this friend Nicky? No, no another friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I think I think my friend is (whispered) gay.
2 What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now. But my friend isn t an artist he s a Republican. And an investment banker. Ew, well, tell him to stay in closet then. He good for nothing. (A moment) Well, okay! Great! Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I wouldn t want a friend like that! Thanks again! Bye now!
Reading # 8 GARY COLEMAN (with ) Oh, my God! You re Gary Coleman! GARY COLEMAN Yes, I am! Come on, kid, I ll show you the place. You know, many distinguished people have expressed interest in this fine address. No kidding! GARY COLEMAN (He s lying) Mmmm-hmmm! What s in all these boxes? Anything good? My parents sent all of my stuff from home! GARY COLEMAN How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill, your credit card bill, your internet bill, your cell phone bill Oh, my God! GARY COLEMAN Oh, kid, don t look so long in the face. Here s a bit of advice from Gary Coleman: never under-estimate the power of long-range planning. If life gets you down, don t sit on your ass and let it pass you by. Cause you know what they say if you rearrange the letters in the word unemployed, it spells opportunity!
Reading # 9 TREKKIE MONSTER TREKKIE MONSTER has very few spoken lines and most of them are singular interjections. So, rather than being asked to read from the script, people auditioning for MALE PUPPETTEER 2 will be asked to recite The Pledge of Allegiance or a nursery rhyme in TREKKIE s voice. Also be prepared to sing a little in TREKKIE s voice the alphabet song? Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Something along those lines.