1 THE GRANNY AWARDS - 2015 VERSION (On the Red Carpet) Joan: Hi, I m Joan Over-Rivers Melissa: and I m Melissa Through-Woods Joan: and it s off to the very first granny awards we go! Melissa: Yes, Granny is giving out special awards to her favorite fairy tale characters. Joan: And here come the accountants with the awards in their sealed briefcases. Melissa: They do take their job very seriously! Joan: The Seven Dwarfs make their way to the stage to set up. Prof., Dizzy, Icky, Sparky, Wheezy, Wimpy and Snoozy. Melissa: It s off to work they go! Followed by that famous TV Announcer guy. Joan: Look out! Here come the Granny Awards Dancers Melissa: Whew! That was a close one. Joan: It s everybody s favorite The Fairy Godmother wearing a lovely (color) gown by Vera Wand. Melissa: Where would some of our characters be without her! Joan: And what would our Fairy Tales be without our Good Witch and our Wicked Witch. Melissa: Here come the future princesses, Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty! Joan: Oops! Looks like she s still looking for that Prince. Coming down the red carpet is the cast of the Nursery Rhymes. Melissa: Yes, It s Humpty Dumpty and All the King s men; Jack and Jill; Little Miss Muffet and her spider; following behind them is Little Bo Peep and her sheep! Joan: Lead by the Three Blind Mice. Melissa: Good luck with that! Joan: Next we some actors who are up for awards tonight! Here are the Prince and his servants; those two crazy stepsisters; The Three pigs and the Three Bears. Melissa: and don t forget that singing sensation, Jack and the Vinettes, fresh off the beanstalk!
2 Joan: We re getting close to show time, but we wouldn t want to forget Little Red Riding Hood; the Wolf; and our Guest of Honor tonight, Granny! (The Wolf rushes Red and passes her to get to the awards table) Melissa: Look out Red! (Granny chases him away from the awards) Joan: Well, it looks like we re almost ready to begin. Melissa: We d better get inside. Prof: Ladies, gentlemen and characters, May I have your attention. I am Prof, one of Snow White s helpers, and it is my pleasure to be the Master of Ceremonies for the first annual Granny Awards. This is a live performance which we are taping for the FTC, the Fairy Tale Channel. Before we go on the air in just a few minutes, we need to go over a few things. First of all please remain seated. We also ask that you applaud generously when Wheezy enters with the applause sign. (Wheezy enters with sign and crosses the stage. Audience applauds.) That s great! Now before we get things rolling, we re going to take five. Icky: Hey, Snoozy, you had better stay here to guard the awards. Snoozy: I d better not sit down or I ll fall asleep. (Nervously pacing back and forth) That s the trouble with me; I fall asleep at the drop of a hat. If that happens during the show, these awards could get lost or even stolen. (Sighs) Oh, how I wish I could stay awake. (Bells tinkle as Fairy Godmother appears) Who are you? Fairy Godmother: Alice in Wonderland. NOT! Seriously, I m your Fairy Godmother, Snoozy. Snoozy: I have a Fairy Godmother? Fairy Godmother: Of course, silly boy. You re a fairy tale character, aren t you? Snoozy: Yes. Fairy Godmother: Well, all fairy tale characters have a Fairy Godmother. Snoozy: What about Aladdin? Fairy Godmother: Okay, so he had a lamp. What s the difference? Now, Snoozy, you just wished that you could stay awake and I m here to grant you that wish. Snoozy: How are you going to do that? Fairy Godmother: Like this. (Points her wand to audience) Do you see those people out there?
3 Snoozy: (squinting) Yes, Fairy Godmother, I do. Fairy Godmother: Well, when you start to doze, I will wave my magic wand at those wonderful people and they will shout, Wake up, Snoozy! Snoozy: They will? Fairy Godmother: Listen. (Waves wand at audience) Fairy Godmother: Oh goodness, you people are going to have to say it louder than that. Let s try it once more. (Waves wand) Fairy Godmother: That s better, but this time, give it all you ve got. (Waves wand) Snoozy: Wow! That ll keep me awake! Fairy Godmother: Of course it will. Now relax and take your seat. Snoozy: (nervously) Don t say, relax. Fairy Godmother: You ll be just fine. Prof: Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to begin. Icky: Ten seconds five four three two one. SONG: The Granny Awards TV Announcer: (during the song) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Granny Awards. We have some great entertainment for you tonight, and it s all brought to you live from The Fairy Tale Channel. TV Announcer: (after the song) And now, introducing our Master of Ceremonies, one of Snow White s helpers Prof! [Wheezy enters and walks across the stage with applause sign] Prof: Thank you. Thank you. I m pleased to be your host. Before I announce tonight s first winner, it is my privilege to introduce the person whose retirement we are all celebrating. Ladies, gentlemen, and characters, welcome GRANNY! [Wheezy walks across the stage with applause sign, Granny joins Doc at podium] Good evening, Granny!
4 Granny: Good evening, Pro! Prof: (clears throat) It s Prof, Granny. Granny: Well, in my storybook, you re a pro, Prof. Prof: Thank you, Granny. Granny: You re welcome. Prof: Granny, the reason we are all here tonight is to celebrate your retirement after 80 years in show biz. Granny: Has it been that long, already? Why, it seems like only yesterday that I began playing the part of the grandmother in Little Red Riding Hood. Prof: Why did you decide to retire at this point in your life? Granny: Well, I guess I m just tired of being tied up by that silly old wolf. You know, he s been talking to me all week about his desire to get an award but then, so have all the other fairy tale characters. Prof: It certainly is generous of you to go behind the scenes and produce an awards show honoring those dedicated fairy tale characters who still entertain us! Granny: My pleasure, Prof. Prof: Granny, it s time for you to take your seat of honor. [Wheezy walks across stage with applause sign, Dwarfs bring in a rocking chair and escort Granny] The first award this evening is for Best Female Vocalist. May I have the envelope, please?... The winner is... (opens envelope) Ladies and gentlemen; I m going to ask the chorus to introduce our winner. SONG: Snow White (Wheezy crosses stage with sign. Prof tries to get Snoozy s attention, but he has fallen asleep. The wolf enters and creeps toward the awards table. Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand) Fairy Godmother: Louder, please. (Half awakens. The wolf slowly backs away shaking his fist at Fairy Godmother) Fairy Godmother: One more time. Audience: WAKE UP, SNOOZY! (He jumps up and gives the thumbs up)
5 Prof: That song brought tears to my eyes. Evidently, it brought sleep to Snoozy s! And now, a word from our sponsor. COMMERCIAL - Little Miss Muffet Bug Spray Muffet: When eating your curds and whey, don t get frightened way... (music) Use Little Miss Muffet Bug Spray! Spider: OH, NO! Not the SPRAY! Hickory Dickory Dock Clocks Icky: Okay, we re live in five four three two one. (Points to TV Announcer) SONG: GRANNY AWARDS INTERLUDE TV Announcer: Ladies, Gentlemen and Characters, here is your host, leader of the beloved Seven Dwarfs - Professor, but we all call him, Prof. Prof: Thank you! We re back! The next award is for Best Male Vocalist. May I have the envelope, please?... The winner is... Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk) Here he is to sing for you. TV Announcer: Let s have a BIG Fairy Tale welcome for Jack, fresh off the vine with his backup group, The Vinettes! (Wheezy crosses with sign) SONG: Gonna Climb That Vine (After song, Wheezy crosses with sign) Prof: Uh.... Nice use of greenery. And now, for all you beasties out there, here s a word from our sponsor, Belle s Beauty Cream. COMMERCIAL - Belle s Beauty Cream (Music Beauty and the Beast ) Belle: Do you wake up some days, look in the mirror and see a BEAST? Beast: (growls) Uhhhhhhn Belle: Just a dab of my Beauty Cream turns any beast into a beauty! (to Beast) Come on, just a little dab. (Beast growls) Come on. (Sings last phrase of song) Beauty and the Beast (Beast transforms into Handsome Prince) Now available in the new Magical Rose Scent! Humpty Dumpty Super Glue Humpty Dumpty: Is your glue not all that it s cracked up to be? (Music) ALL: All the king s horses and all the king s men, now could put Humpty together again!
6 Use Humpty Dumpty Super Glue, for those days when you can t seem to keep it together! Icky: Okay, people we re live in three, two, one. (Points to TV Announcer) SONG: Granny Awards Interlude TV Announcer: Welcome back! Here s your host, who never seems to come unglued Prof! Prof: This next award goes to the fairy tale with the Best Dramatic Scene. May I have the envelope, please? The winning fairy tale is... CINDERELLA! Here is that award-winning scene. (Wheezy crosses with sign while other dwarfs set the scene. Stepsister 1 runs to chair first while Stepsister 2 pouts. SS1 grabs the shoe from a servant and desperately tries to get it on) Stepsister 1: Drat! If it weren t for those stupid corns on my toe, that slipper would fit. I would have had them removed if you had told me you were coming. Stepsister 2: Stop making excuses and let me try it! (She struggles without success) Prince: Perhaps we d better leave. Stepsister 1: Oh no, you don t. Let me try again. (They fight over the shoe) SONG: It s Gotta Be The Corn Upon My Toe (At the end, Wheezy enters with sign. Snoozy jumps up and hands award to Stepsister 1. They fight over the award) Stepsister 2: Give it to me! You know I m much prettier that you! (They fight, as they walk off) Prof: Whew! Those stepsisters certainly take their roles seriously. Now folks, it s time for another word from our sponsor. COMMERCIAL: Jack and Jill Spring Water (they enter and tumble at the end of the song. Jill gets some J & J Spring water for them. They drink it and jump up again.) Jack and Jill: Jack and Jill Spring Water puts the spring back in your step! (Wolf creeps toward table during the song when music stops - Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand) Fairy Godmother: Louder, please. (Half awakens. The wolf slowly backs away shaking his fist at Fairy Godmother) Fairy Godmother: One more time. Audience: WAKE UP, SNOOZY! (He jumps up and gives the thumbs up)
7 Icky: Here we go... in three, two, one. (Points to TV announcer) SONG: Granny Awards Interlude TV Announcer: Well, I feel refreshed! Here he is again - Prof! Prof: Before I announce the next winner, I d like to take a moment to recognize the accounting firm of Prince Castlehouse who has tabulated the results for tonight s awards. Ladies, gentlemen and characters, meet our accountants. (Accountants enter Wheezy crosses with sign) The next award is for Best Choreography. May I have the envelope, please? I knew it! The winner is the fairy tale that has started the new dance craze. By now, all of you know I m talking about doing the Walkie Talkie. Here are the three bears to perform it for you. SONG: The Walkie Talkie (Wheezy enters with applause sign, Wolf creeps toward table during the song when music stops - Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand) Fairy Godmother: Louder, please. (Half awakens. The wolf slowly backs away shaking his fist at Fairy Godmother) Fairy Godmother: One more time. Audience: WAKE UP, SNOOZY! (He jumps up and gives the thumbs up) Prof: I bet you can t wait to get home and try that one, but stay tuned! We have one more word from our sponsor. COMMERCIAL: Little Bo Peep (Music Bo Peep enters with her sheep following behind, but she can t find them at first) Bo Peep: (sings) Leave the with me and set your mind free, I ll keep them safely for you. Icky: One more time, everybody... in three, two, one. (Points to TV Announcer) SONG: Granny Awards Interlude TV Announcer: Here he is again, the guy who never gets lost Prof! Prof: Thanks, Famous TV Announcer Guy. And now folks, I am going to call on Granny, our honored guest, to announce our next award. (Wheezy enters with sign, as Wolf almost reaches award)
8 Granny: Mr. Wolf? Why, it is you! I d know those eyes anywhere. Wolf: (coyly) Hi there, Granny. Granny: Mr. Wolf, your timing couldn t be better. I d love to have you, my fellow actor and dear friend, help me announce these next winners. Wolf: (coyly) With pleasure, Granny. Granny: This award is the category of Best Rap. May I have the envelope, please? The winners are.... You tell them, Mr. Wolf. Wolf: Red Riding Hood and the Rappers! (Wheezy enters with sign. 2 dwarfs drag Wolf to a stool placed center stage) Granny: (to pigs) Let him have it! Red and the 3 Pigs: Okay, Granny! SONG: Big Bad Wolf (After song, Wheezy enters with sign.) Wolf: Gee, guys, do you really think I m okay? Granny: Of course we do, Mr. Wolf. Red Riding Hood: We feel you ve been given a bum rap for always being the bad guy. Wolf: But you say I get too carried away. Pig 1: Hogwash! Pig 2: You just like to ham it up! Granny: Actually, Mr. Wolf, I m proud of you. Wolf: You are? Granny: I sure am. Why, it is quite a grind to perform in two different shows the way you do. Pig 3: Yes, not many actors can keep up that kind of pace. Granny: Not only that, we have all thoroughly enjoyed working with you.
9 Red and 3 Pigs: (ad lib.) We sure have. Yeah! It s been great. Wolf: (getting a bit emotional) Gee, thanks. Granny: And now, Mr. Wolf. I would like to present you with a special award the coveted Best Villain. (Wheezy enters with sign. Snoozy falls asleep as the surprised Wolf hugs Granny, Red and the 3 Pigs. Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand) Fairy Godmother: Louder, please. (He half awakens.) Fairy Godmother: One more time. Audience: WAKE UP, SNOOZY! (He jumps up and gives the thumbs up and hands the last award to Granny who presents it to the Wolf. The Wolf bows and then quiets the audience) Wolf: (sobbing) Thank you, thank you. I don t deserve this especially after I was trying to steal this award all night. (He blows his nose loudly) Granny: That s okay, Mr. Wolf. You re only human. Wolf: All I can say, Granny, is that I am thankful that you see me for what I really am. (Sobs again) I m not that bad a guy, you know. Granny: You re a great guy and you certainly earned this award. Wolf: Thank you, Granny. (Holding up the award) You like me! You really like me! (Wolf sobs while getting congratulated) Prof: Well folks, this has been quite a night! Granny, on behalf of all of us, I d like to thank you for a wonderful evening of fun and entertainment, and I wish you the best in your retirement years! (Wheezy enters with applause sign, Granny mouths thank you to the audience and bows) TV Announcer: From the land of fairy tales, we would like to thank you all for coming. Granny: Good night! And may you all live happily ever after! SONG: The Granny Award Finale