Cheat Sheet: How To Listen To Your Emotional Woman by Jayson Gaddis
Understand Her Experience Like A Pro So She Stops Shutting Down Or Freaking Out And Instead Softens And Opens To You A short guide for you (the man) or the man in your life (if you are a woman). The first thing us men need to get is our way of listening often makes our woman crazy. You ve noticed this right? If she doesn t feel understood by your problem-solving ways, she ll get pissed, shut down, or make the conversation way worse, yes? So, if you want less drama in your relationship, you ve gotta earn your way out of the drama, by learning to listen to her like a badass. That way, she ll open up to you and you learn how to support her like a stallion. Win-win. Step 1 - Admit Your Way Isn t Working Can we agree your way sucks and doesn t work? If you don t believe me, ask her. Have her rate you on a scale of 1-10 by asking her this question: Honey, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being amazing and 1 being weak, how understood do you feel by me? How deeply do I get you, see you, and know you? And, honey, please don t hold back. I can handle the full truth so bring it. Now, don t say that if you are going to play small and be a victim here when she tells you are a 3. And, let s face it you, like me, have a trigger around getting it right. If you perceive your woman is unhappy with you, you often do one of two things: 1. You posture and defend yourself (which is a total waste of time) 2. You collapse into the poor me, shame pile. Are you really that weak? Are you going to let your woman take you out like that? Hell no. 2
So, step up and love her by learning to give her what she wants---deep listening. And, don t make excuses here. I was a total jackass when it came to listening to my girlfriends, for years! Even after I got married and had training as a psychotherapist, I still had my head up my ass. So, if I can learn it, you can learn this. All right, let s go: Step 2 - Listening Without FRACKING What is Fracking? Fracking is what we do when we listen in our habitual ways. Both men and women do this, and women tend to be better listeners than men. So, while this guide is geared toward men, it s also for women. Basically fracking is an acronym for really bad listening skills. Why guys Frack? I used to frack all the time because, when the women I was dating were upset, I was uncomfortable. I wanted to make it better, fast. I didn t know how to be with strong emotions, so I d frack all over her. You are probably like me. F-Fixing R-Rescuing A-Advice C-Complaining K-Killing Fixing: When you try to fix your woman, you assume she wants fixing. And, if you are a stereotypical man, this is one of your default settings. A girlfriend would share her problem and because I was uncomfortable in the unknown and her feelings around it, I d try to make it better. Fixing is one way you try to make it better. Your woman doesn t want to be fixed. Granted, sometimes my wife wants help solving a problem. In those moments she asks me to help her fix it. But most of the time, she just wants to be heard. Keep your fixing skills. They rock, but don t bring them to your woman when she s emotional and wants you to just be present with her. 3
Rescuing: Rescuing is the arrogant assumption that your woman isn t okay with how she s feeling and needs you to come in to rescue her. This often will shut a woman down or enroll her in taking care of you because she feels bad that you are missing the mark and so she may let you rescue her because she know that helps you. But that s completely backwards here. You are the one trying to support her. So, I know it sounds confusing, but DO NOT rescue her. Advice: Don t give your woman advice unless she wants it. Remember, she wants to be heard, validated and understood. She wants you to be with her on the ride of intimacy. Some of your guy friends want advice. Even though this is an exceedingly limited way of relating to other men, it works for most guys. When you learn true relationship skills with your male friends and bust out of your fear-based conditioning, you ll start to see the depth and power of male friendships. Deepening your male friendships is one key to go deeper with your woman. Complaining One of the most unattractive human qualities people have is complaining. And, even worse is you complaining about your woman either behind her back or to her face. Complaining just demonstrates that you have more work to do. It shows you where your emotional maturity is. Killing her experience Want to shut her down? Deny her experience. This means that whatever we say or do in response to her upset ends up killing or squashing her experience. Our way denies or makes her experience wrong. This is sure to shut her down or have her close her heart and body to you. Before my wife trained me, I killed the experience of nearly every woman I dated. Remember, no one s experience is wrong or invalid. It s just their experience. Nice work! Now, here s your next step: If you want her to be less naggy, needy, whiney, then step up and learn how to validate her feelings. 4
In the next document, we cover how to validate her experience like a pro. Step 3 - Get Her World & Validate Her Experience Getting her world simply means you are committed to understanding her experience. This is the ability to Get someone to the point where they feel understood with anything they are sharing or experiencing. Since you are no longer fracking her, you have but a few options left. My rule of thumb with my wife is this: I don t understand her until she feels understood. It is a complete waste of time to get defensive and justify your behavior. Listen so she feels understood first. Do not move on until she gives you the green light. Then once she relaxes, ask them if they d be up for listening to you and your side. This took me years, mostly because of my style of wanting to problem solve, fix, or make her feel better (fracking). As I got more comfortable with her strong emotions, and I learned how to listen to her deeply, it started to click, a huge win for my wife and I. Whew. Please note, as Byron Katie reminds us No one can ever fully understand you. But, we do our best to get as close as we can. GTW (Getting Their World) is a life -skill that can change the course of any relationship. Why? Because when people feel understood, they don t have to fight; they relax, they soften, they feel seen and their heart opens more. So, let s rock some examples: You never listen to me. I m so angry at you. The typical response is to get defensive. That s the animal in you. We re not playing that game anymore here. Instead, try, Sounds like you are angry with me because I didn t return your text and it was an important moment for you, is that right? 5
I hear that in your experience I didn t return your text so you got mad at me, am I following you? If you keep trying and you just can t or don t get it, own that. It s far better to say something like, She says, You then say, Wow, I keep trying and I still don t get it over here. I m guessing that s upsetting to you. You always do that. What exactly do I always do? I want to understand since it seems upsetting to you. Then you keep asking questions and reflecting back what you got, in your own words, until she says you got it. or yes. She says, You say, I m so upset about work and our relationship. I just want to quit. Honey, I hear you. I m getting that you are upset about our relationship and work. That s a lot to deal with. I m up for listening if you want to take them one at a time and just vent. I ll do my best to listen. If you are really stuck, you ll want to get an outsider to help you get your partner. I ve had to do this many times. Next, you want to Validate Her Feelings. This requires its own cheat sheet. You can download that here. It s also in the email I sent over. I can assure you, once you get these, you ll spend way less time on meaningless fights and drama and way more time in an easeful connection. Remember, if I claim I want more ease in my relationship with my wife, then I need to earn that by listening to her like a total badass, so she melts and opens instead of shutting down or getting emotional. Okay, go rock these tools with her and report back. 6