Two more dashes of Jupiter Jolt sauce, my buddy Humphree says as he piles on the ingredients.
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- Willis Matthews
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Transcription
1
2 mega-dog 1
3 This is going to be the best Hot dog we've ever made!!! When dudes eat this they're going to be like hot dog, that hot dog was delicious. Two more dashes of Jupiter Jolt sauce, my buddy Humphree says as he piles on the ingredients. That s me, Cosmoe, the little human with the big hair. Humphree s the big, alien-looking guy. We re on Space Port Funketoun, cooking up a Mega-Dog for the Intragalactic Food Truck Cook-Off. Dude! This thing is the size of a freaking Jeep! People are going to love the Mega-Dog! I exclaim. What s a Jeep? Humphree asks. Ugh. Sometimes I forget I m the only one around here from Planet Earth. Never mind! C mon, let s get this thing to the cook-off!
4 The Intragalactic Food Truck Cook-Off is a major event. Flying food trucks come from all across the galaxy to serve up crazy treats for the Queen. Our truck is the Neon Wiener, and it s docked close to the market where the contest goes down. Sweet scents from a thousand different exotic dishes waft through the air. This could be our ticket to the bigtime, little buddy. If we win this cook-off, We'll be bona fide!
5 Evil Queen Dagger judges the cook-off. She s royalty and she s mega-rich, so she has, like, 37 million soldiers and spies working for her. And if she doesn t like your food, she just might disintegrate you... This jerk. No one likes her. You think Evil Queen Dagger will like the Mega-Dog? I ask Humphree. Humphree can tell I m nervous. He s observant like that. Of course she ll like it, he says. No one s going to have anything nearly as good as this. I doubt there will be any competition at all
6 Intragalactic food truck cook-off Aww, smudge!
7
8 Dude, don t stress it, Humphree says. As long as we have the Mega-Dog, we can t lose. And the Mega-Dog isn t going anywhere, right? WRONG! JUST THEN
9 That hooded jerk nabbed our Mega-Dog! I shout. Humphree doesn t say anything. He just makes his ol rumbling noise. Ever since Humphree retired from the pirate life, he s been a pretty mellow, chilled-out guy. But when he gets really mad, he starts making this rumbling noise and whoo boy, watch out you don t want to mess with him. I mean, look at his stats: BIG HUMPHREE STATS Species: Bronkle Home planet: Bronkellia Age: 127 Bronkle years (34 standard years) Height: 7' 2" Weight: 1.1 tons STRENGTH SPEED SENSE OF HUMOR APPETITE AWESOMENESS FRIENDSHIP LEVEL AWESOMENESS AT FIGHTING Humphree... I say, trying to remain cool and calm. Just relax. Don t get all crazy on me. This is a job for
10
11 FACT: Goober is the rubbery, elastic blob that is forever wrapped around my arm. Goober is symbiotic and lives off my adrenaline that means he can t leave my side or he ll die! But it s worth it, cause Goober is freakin rad and can turn into all sorts of awesome junk, like... GOOBER THE HAMMER! GOOBER THE FIST! GOOBER THE ANNOYING PAL WHO NEVER, EVER LEAVES GOOBER THE FART DAMPENER!
12 BACK TO THE ACTION! I m darting through the market trying to find the thief. I catch a glimpse of the Mega-Dog, bobbing above the crowd. THERE! The crowd clears and goofy aliens step to the side. PERFECT! I flex my wrist, letting Goober know it s about to be action time. Goober, go! I shout, and then... SHMACK! I yank on Lasso-Goober and bring the jerk thief stumbling back. And that s when I discover the thief is...
13 OH MAN. I just Goober-grabbed the heir to the intergalactic Throne of Evil! MY MIND RACES. I m thinking on how bad this is going to get when I hear a voice shout: THE TINY, HOT-DOG-SELLING CREATURE ATTACKED PRINCESS DAGGER Hang on, folks. This is about to get uglier than a butt convention. Whoa, whoa, whoa! I shout. Little misunderstanding here. I didn t attack anyone. And I m not a tiny, hot-dogselling creature I AM COSMOE THE EARTH-BOY! Humphree grabs me by the shoulder. We need to split! I yank the Mega-Dog out of the thief s hands. Not without this! And then it s off to the races...
14
15 EXCUSE ME! WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
16 We come out of the crowd, and I see our ship in the distance! I fish inside my pocket, grab the Neon Wiener keys, and hit the UNLOCK DOOR button. Behind us, energy cannons are blasting away. Lucky for me, Humphree is both heavily armored and heavily protective. Humphree holds up the angry mob while I try to squeeze the Mega-Dog through the door. GET INSIDE! Humphree barks. Not without the MEGA-DOG!
17 Little buddy, I am going to kill you when we get out of here. Forget about the hot dog! No! We spent a lot of time cooking up this winning wiener! I push and push and push. Arghhh! I m totally scuffing up the Mega-Dog. Finally, it squeezes through.
18 Inside the cockpit, I m flipping switches, and pressing buttons, and spinning knobs like crazy. Humphree makes it inside, and about 5 space seconds later, the engines are heating up and the ship is undocking. Another 7 seconds and the Neon Wiener is rocketing into interstellar space, leaving behind Princess Dagger and the angry Port Funketoun mob.
19 But now Big Humps wants to talk... He places one of his massive paws on my shoulder. COSMOE HEART-TO-HEART TIME. YOU CAN T JUST BE WHIPPING GOOBER AROUND AND LASSOING EVIL PRINCESSES. IT S BAD FOR BUSINESS! I hang my head. I m sorry, Humps. But she was stealing the Mega-Dog! Humps scratches his chin. Good point, but still We re interrupted by a silky smooth voice saying... Excuse me, Gentlemen.
20 My throat goes gulp. It s Evil Princess Dagger. And she is aboard our ship! What the butt?! What are you doing here?? Stealing your ship, silly. I m an evil princess. Y know? I start stuttering, NO-NO. NO-NO. NO. You can t be here! Your evil mom is gonna think we kidnapped you. She ll kill us! Princess Dagger is about to respond, when BLEEP Brace for impact, our pet robot, F.R.E.D., says.
21 The Royal Navy SMUDGE! I exclaim. They re trying to shoot us out of space! The princess has a sly smile on her face. Duh! They think you kidnapped me. I shoot her a suprememean look. and then I hang on tight...
22
23 F.R.E.D. FACT Jack Jet THESE WICKED-FAST FIGHTER SHIPS MAKE UP THE EVIL QUEEN DAGGER S ROYAL NAVY. PILOTED BY ROBOT SOLDIERS KNOWN AS JACKS AND ARMED WITH ENERGY CANNONS AND SUPER-FLAME ROCKETS, JACK JETS ARE BAD NEWS.
24 Prin cess Problem 2
25 I m scared. Not going to lie big-time nervous. These two royal rockets are closing in fast. I m at the cockpit, hands on the wheel, squeezing it so tight my knuckles are fleshy white. I m pretty definitely positive I m about to get blown up. Suddenly, Princess Dagger yells out, HEY, WEIRD HAIR. WATCH OUT! and lunges at the brakes
26 The explosion is massively, monstrously King Kong sized and white-chocolate hot. We all tumble back onto our butts. Princess Dagger sits up, scratches her head, and whispers, Wow, that was heart-nukingly crazy. Humphree chuckles as he gets to his feet and says, The princess is good, Cosmoe. I ll give her that. She saved our butts. What the fuzz?! I m supposed to be the hero, doing all the saving and everything! Where does this princess get off?! It's coolio. Just consider it payback for kidnapping me. I did not kidnap you...
27 Humphree says, in his deep, DEEEEEP voice, We need to skedaddle, bud. We re lucky we re not applesauce right now. Soon the whole Royal Armada will be after us. And you, little lady we're dropping you off directly at the next space port. Good plan, Humps. ONE UNHAPPY PRINCESS But then the smoke clears...
28 We are most definitely not out of trouble yet. My eyes are as wide as flying saucers. That Royal Armada that Humps mentioned...? I THINK IT S ALREADY HERE...
29 F.R.E.D. makes a frazzly noise. The robot s screen-face flashes, and my HEART ABOUT STOPS. I m staring right into the gray, soulless eyes of Evil Queen Dagger. She s hijacked the radio! CREW OF THE AHEM NEON WIENER. POWER DOWN YOUR SHIP. OR ELSE. Oh yeah, or else what? OR ELSE YOU WILL BE DISINTEGRATED. Okay. I m convinced. Annnnd powering down... I AM SENDING A JACK JET TO UN-KIDNAP MY DAUGHTER! FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME, WE DID NOT KIDNAP SILENCE! she yells. Her voice sounds like a metal spoon scraping along an empty bowl of cereal. Hand my daughter over, and you may continue about your business.
30 A single Jack Jet departs the massive wall of ships, leaving a gap in the perfect arrangement. They re coming to take me away, Princess Dagger says quietly. Good, I think. I want the princess gone, now. She s fuzzing up me and Humphree s relaxing life of awesomeness! BUT THEN I feel something weird and sort of cold and clammy on my hand. I look down. It s Princess Dagger. HER TINY HAND IS NESTLED INSIDE MINE. I swallow, thinking maybe she really doesn t want to go home. And then, from out of nowhere, Princess Dagger reveals... A SWORD? AN ENERGY GUN?? A LASER AXE??? NO... A
31 RANGE OF DRAMATIC EMOTION! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! DON T MAKE ME GO BACK THERE. MY MOM S EVIL! I yank my hand away from hers and yell, Princess, you re evil! You acted way not cool and you stole from us. I just wanted to be friends, she says. That s not what friends do! I exclaim. The princess hangs her head. I don t really know how to be friends, I guess. I ve always been evil. But I don t want to be! It s just I I HAVE to be. It s in my genes... Your jeans?! I scream. Evil jeans?! Why didn t you say so earlier?? I ll handle this I dealt with a pair of evil jeans one time on the Moon of Leevye. HE S NOT SO BRIGHT...
32 I don't think she means blue jeans, buddy. She means her genes. Like, it's part of her like she was born to be evil. But maybe But maybe what? Maybe I don't have to be evil? But there s no more time to talk. The ship shudders and shakes as the Jack Jet docks alongside the Neon Wiener. ROYAL BAD DUDES HAVE ARRIVED.
33 F.R.E.D. FACT Star Wars ACCORDING TO COSMOE, STAR WARS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIES. HE S SEEN IT 432 TIMES. HIS FAVORITE LINE IS I M LUKE SKYWALKER. I M HERE TO RESCUE YOU! HE HOPES TO SOMEDAY HAVE THE CHANCE TO SAY I M COSMOE THE EARTH-BOY. I M HERE TO RESCUE YOU!
34 jacked up 3
35 I inch closer to my buddy Humphree as the air lock rumbles. There s a loud CLANG, CLANG, CLANG. The door slides open with a VOOSH, revealing JACKS! Oh boy. Jacks are Evil Queen Dagger s royal robot soldiers. I hate these guys! GET TO KNOW JACK! BIG HEAD, NO BRAINS VOICE LIKE A ROBOT DUCK ARM PISTONS FOR SUPER ROBO-STRENGTH PULSE CANNON FOR BLASTING DUDES POWERED BY ENERGY ROCKS FROM THE ROYAL MOONS
36 Come with us, Princess. My head is confused. I really don t think we should let those Jack jerks take her! I mean, I know we re in big trouble the minute we start stealing princesses. But we re not really stealing her! She doesn t want to go home! Right now, there are tears welling up in her big, evil eyes! Humphree looks down at me and shakes his head. He knows what I m thinking. It's a classic lady trap, kid, and you're falling for it. Look how cute and helpless she is...
37 NOT HELPLESS! YES, CUTE. Aww, c mon! You re a bully, Princess! WHOA! I can t believe what I m seeing! The princess is slugging it out with those brainless Jacks! Humphree bellows out, Guess we ve got no choice but to CRACK SOME METAL SKULLS! I flex my wrist, letting Goober know it s time for a royal robot rumble...
38 We've really stepped in it now, Cosmoe! DON'T yell at me. yell at HER! Can you two please stop blabbing and get us out of here!
39
40 I sprint into the cockpit Humphree can handle the fighting. I need to lose that Jack Jet hanging off the side of this ship. EMERGENCY I SLAM my fist down on the DISENGAGE BZZZT KA-KRAK button. There s a shattering mechanical tearing noise, and then, just like that, the Neon Wiener is ripping away from the Jack Jet. It s all like
41 Princess Dagger bursts through the door and points to the wall of ships ahead of us. So now we gotta try to outrun the Royal Armada?! I turn to the princess and narrow my eyes. I m looking way concentrated and super pilot-like. We re not outrunning em. We re going right at them right for the gap left by that Jack Jet. NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS! SIR, THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATING A ROYAL ARMADA IS APPROXIMATELY 3,720 TO 1. That's from Star Wars. Star Wars? Princess Dagger asks. Y know, the movie, I say. What s a movie? I sigh. Sometimes I really, really miss Earth... NOW HANG ON. HERE GOES
42 SOMETHING REALLY DUMB!
43 F.R.E.D. FACT Interstellar Highway THE INTERSTELLAR HIGHWAY STRETCHES FROM ONE END OF THE GALAXY TO THE OTHER. AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, THERE ARE ROUGHLY 6 BILLION SHIPS TRAVELING ITS LENGTHS. REST STOPS ALONG THE HIGHWAY ARE NOTORIOUSLY NASTY: FULL OF GREASY FOOD, BREATHING BATHROOMS, AND SHIP-DEVOURING TRAV-GRAB MONSTERS.
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