Coaching Questions Part II: Finding The Blocking Fears And Limiting Beliefs There are almost always unconscious fears, reasons and limiting beliefs to overcoming social anxiety. If these fears and limiting beliefs weren t there, your social anxiety was probably already solved. Your subconscious mind has various reasons as to why it believes it s better for you to not let go of your social anxiety. It might not be safe, you might deep down not feel deserving of it, you might not like confident people so you don t want to become like them, you might have to do something you now don t have to do now because of your social anxiety, you might not know who you will be without it, Etc. Below you will find a list of questions to uncover the blocking limiting beliefs and fears. These questions might provoke you. They might get you angry. You might think to yourself: How dare you assuming I don t want to let go of my social anxiety?! Please take into account that I often reassure my clients that asking these questions is never an attack on them personally and that we are working with a subconscious mind here that is always trying to protect and serve you and keep you safe. 99.9% of people with social anxiety have these fears or limiting unconscious beliefs. I know that consciously you want to change, otherwise you wouldn t be here reading this Take your time for each and every question below and write down your answer. I give an example of a limiting belief or fear for each question. Keep in mind that the examples I give might either sound ridiculous to you or they might sound true to you. If they sound ridiculous, then great. Please know that for other people this is their truth. If the answers sound true to you, then realize that ALL the answers I have given are limiting beliefs or fears. None of them serve you if you have them. And luckily we can always get rid of a fear or replace a limiting belief with a positive belief. And we can do this rather easily
Here are the 12 questions: Allow yourself to be negative here. I want you to be totally honest with yourself. It s OK to be negative in this exercise to get to the limiting beliefs and fears that might are blocking your recovery. Really think about each question. Ponder it. Do what you need to do to come up with the answer. Repeat the question to yourself multiple times, let it sink in and really, really think about what it might be. Take some time for every question, don t rush things as this is important. If you have really given it your best and after 5 minutes you still don t have an answer, maybe there indeed is no answer. Just make sure you take the time you need because often when I ask my clients a question like the ones below for the first time, they don t have an answer but after I keep asking them the question for a while they all of a sudden come up with an answer. OTE: This is an exercise you might come back to a few times to make sure you have covered all the fears and limiting beliefs to overcoming your social anxiety disorder and being socially confident. The Questions: In the examples I have given I made the text red when it displayed a limiting belief. When the example showed a fear I have made the text green. 1. What is the downside to letting go of your social anxiety completely? For extra help use the below sentence: If I let go of my social anxiety completely then will happen or will be scary or will be problematic. Example: When I am socially confident I will be in the spotlight constantly. And it is scary to be in the spotlight. 2. What would you have to do that you do not want to do when you are socially confident? Really visualize yourself being socially confident. Now think and ask yourself the question. Example: I would have to get a full time job that I don t like. 3. What do you OT like about socially confident people (if you don t like socially confident people, your mind will never allow you to be socially confident)? Example: Socially confident people are arrogant. 4. What s the upside to staying socially anxious? Think of the benefits you have now that you are socially anxious. Example: I keep having a lot of time for myself. And when I m socially confident I won t have any time for myself anymore.
5. What positive thing do you have in your life because you have social anxiety? (This might sounds harsh, but really stop to think about this one...) Example: My social anxiety gives me sympathy and attention. 6. Why do you not deserve to feel socially confident? Example: Because I m not attractive enough. 7. What is not safe about being socially confident? Really visualize yourself socially confident. Think about how your life will be. Then ask yourself the question and see what isn t safe for you. Example: If I am socially confident I ll get into arguments. I m afraid of arguments. 8. What would you have to do tomorrow if you were to solve your social anxiety completely today? Example: I d have to follow my dreams. I m afraid I ll fail if I follow my dream. 9. Why do YOU think you have not been able to solve your social anxiety disorder yet? Example: Because I m a tough case. 10. Who will you be when you are socially confident? Think about how you do NOT want to be. Do you think it s inevitable that you become a certain way when you are socially confident? Example: I ll be a popular person who talks to everyone and I won t have deep conversations anymore when I m socially confident 11. Who would not want you to get over this problem? Maybe someone would feel threatened if you overcame this problem. Example: Jenny/Jesse would be jealous of me and I m afraid it ll ruin our friendship. 12. What happened last time you were socially confident? If you for example the last time you were socially confident you were ridiculed, your subconscious does not want you to experience that again. Example: I m afraid I ll get ridiculed again By looking at the answers you have given to the above 12 questions you will find the limiting beliefs and fears you have about overcoming your social anxiety.
Challenging Limiting Beliefs To Get To A Positive Belief Below I have written down all the limiting beliefs I have given in the examples. I am now going to show you how to challenge your own limiting beliefs, see them in a different light, reframe them, think differently about them and then and come up with a positive belief to install instead: 1. When I am socially confident I will be in the spotlight constantly. Is this really true? Or will I maybe have the opportunity to NOT be in the spotlight if I choose to? Could it be possible that I will only be in the spotlight if I desire to be? I don t lose my free will when I m socially confident, do I? Is it maybe even more likely that I will make my own decisions to be in the spotlight or not in the spotlight because I will have the confidence to do whatever I want without fearing rejection? ew positive belief: I choose only be in the spotlight whenever I want to. 2. I would have to get a full time job that I don t like. Really? How sure am I of that? Have I considered that once I m socially confident I won t fear interviews anymore and therefore can comfortably apply for more jobs? And since I won t take a rejection personally any longer when they not hire me for a job, don t I have much more opportunities? Isn t there any job I would normally be too anxious for that is possible for me once I m free of my social anxiety? Could it be possible that I would actually enjoy a job that I would normally dread since I will feel at ease socializing with my colleagues? Maybe I can even take a part time job until I find what I do want? ew positive belief: I can easily find a job that I enjoy 3. Socially confident people are arrogant. Is that a universal truth or is that my truth? Are they really arrogant or do I just perceive them to be arrogant? Could it be that my own insecurities make them appear arrogant? And if I m convinced they are arrogant, maybe they indeed are. But hey, when someone is arrogant, aren t they insecure deep down inside? Aren t arrogant people trying to overcompensate their lack of confidence? So maybe people that are truly socially confident are not arrogant since they have true confidence and a lack of insecurities?! ew positive belief: Socially confident people are nice and authentic. 4. When I m socially confident I won t have any time for myself anymore. Why do I think this? Have I considered that when I m socially confident I can respectfully tell people no without feeling tons of anxiety about it? What makes me think socially confident people have to attend parties all the time? Maybe I will actually keep my free will and will be better at speaking my mind and choosing what I truly feel like doing once I m free of my social anxiety! ew positive belief: I comfortably make time for myself whenever I want to.
5. My social anxiety gives me sympathy and attention. This might be true. But is it really the attention that I want? If I can be myself socially without any fears, won t I get much more positive attention? Attention that actually makes me feel good about myself? ew positive belief: Being socially confident gives me the positive attention that I want. 6. I don t deserve to be socially confident because I m not attractive enough. So I need to be attractive to feel confident in social situations? I wonder where I learned that Is that the absolute truth or have I picked this belief up from the media (TV, magazines, music, etc)? Have I ever seen someone who was not physically attractive that was confident in a social situation? Am I saying that in the whole world there is not one person who is unattractive that feels confident in social situations? ew positive belief: I deserve to feel socially confident 7. If I am socially confident I ll get into arguments. Why do I assume this? Do I have the right perspective on what social confidence is? Could it maybe be that once I m socially confident I am a very laid back person? Maybe I won t have to prove myself to others since I ll approve of myself And hey, so what if I get into an argument sometimes, I won t be overwhelmed with emotion so I can respond in a normal, mature way! ew positive belief: I calmly and respectfully deal with any arguments I encounter. 9. I m a tough case. Maybe that s true, maybe it s not true. Maybe I think like this because I ve not found a solution yet after all my searching. And even if I am a tough case, maybe if I change my mind about this I will be less in my own way to improving myself Maybe even the toughest cases achieve success with consistent effort using the right tools! And hey, maybe everybody thinks they re a tough case! ew positive belief: I will achieve my goal no matter what 10. I won t have deep conversations anymore when I m socially confident. Why not? Can I not choose the people I want to connect with more deeply anymore once I m over my social anxiety? Do I lose my capacity to connect to people? Will I lose my sense of spirituality/intelligence? Or do I maybe just feel calm and at ease talking about anything I want? Maybe I can simply pick the people I want to talk to and talk about deep topics if I so desire ew positive belief: I can talk to anyone and have the type of conversation I choose to have. Once you have uncovered your own personal limiting beliefs use videos 5 until 10 on the SCS page to get rid of these limiting beliefs. Pick the video that corresponds with the intensity of your belief (you will learn how to rate your belief on a 0-10 scale in STEP #4B) and tap it down to a 0 out of 10. I have written down next to each video what intensity the video is intended for. For the fears you have uncovered, use the exercise below to eliminate it.
Clearing The Uncovered Fear Use the steps below to clear any fear you have uncovered. Try to make it a proper sentence when you notice a fear in one of your answers. You do this by starting out like this and then finishing the sentence: I m afraid Examples: I m afraid it ll ruin our friendship. I m afraid I ll fail if I follow my dream I m afraid of being in the spotlight. The use your proper sentence and use that sentence to fill in the blank in the exercise below. Example: Tap continuously on your karate chop and say the following phrases out loud while visualizing the thing you fear: Even though I m afraid -say the thing you fear-, and I feel this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I deeply and completely accept myself and my feelings Even though I m afraid -say the thing you fear-, and I feel this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I choose to feel calm and confident Even though I m afraid -say the thing you fear-, and I feel this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself anyway Then start tapping on the points: EB What if -say the thing you fear- SE I fear -say the thing you fear- UE This fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- UN I m afraid -say the thing you fear- CH What if -say the thing you fear- CB This fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- UA What if -say the thing you fear- LP I m afraid -say the thing you fear- WR This fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- CHR What if -say the thing you fear- Example: Even though I m afraid of -them staring at me-, and I feel this fear in my -chest- I deeply and completely accept myself and my feelings Even though I m afraid of -them staring at me-, and I feel this fear in my -chest- I choose to feel calm and confident Even though I m afraid of -them staring at me-, and I feel this fear in my -chest- I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself anyway
Then start tapping on the points: EB What if -they stare at me?- SE I m afraid -that they will stare at me- UE This fear in my -chest- U I fear -them staring at me- CH What if -they stare at me?- CB This fear in my -chest- UA What if -they stare at me?- LP I m afraid of -them staring at me- WR This fear in my -chest- CHR What if -they stare at me?- If after the above step you still feel fear, use the 2 nd format below to tap away the remaining fear: 2 nd Format: Tap continuously on your karate chop and say the following phrases out loud while visualizing the thing you fear: Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -say the thing you fear-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I deeply and completely accept myself and my feelings Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -say the thing you fear-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I choose to feel calm and confident Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -say the thing you fear-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -say where you feel the fear inside your body- I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself anyway Then start tapping on the points: EB What if -say the thing you fear- SE I m still somewhat afraid of -say the thing you fear- UE This remaining fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- UN I still fear -say the thing you fear- CH What if -say the thing you fear- CB This remaining fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- UA What if -say the thing you fear- LP I m still afraid of -say the thing you fear- WR This remaining fear in my -say where you feel the fear in your body- CHR What if -say the thing you fear- Example: Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -them staring at me-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -chest- I deeply and completely accept myself and my feelings Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -them staring at me-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -chest- I choose to feel calm and confident Even though I m still somewhat afraid of -them staring at me-, and I still feel some of this this fear in my -chest- I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself anyway
Then start tapping on the points: EB What if -they stare at me- SE I m still somewhat afraid of -them staring at me- UE This remaining fear in my -chest- U I still fear -them staring at me- CH What if -they stare at me?- CB This remaining fear in my -chest- UA What if -they stare at me?- LP I m still afraid of -them staring at me- WR This remaining fear in my -chest- CHR What if -they stare at me?- If after this 2 nd round of tapping you still have some remaining fear, go to the beginning of the 2 nd format of this exercise again and do another tapping round using that format. And once more after that in case necessary. Get your fear to a 0 out of 10 as always! TROUBLESHOOTI G: If the emotion is not going down A. Ask yourself What does this feeling remind me of? Your mind will then almost surely come up with a S.E.E. Try to find the earliest time where you felt that feeling before. Then use the STEP #2C Clearing a SEE video to get all the emotion out of that SEE. Once that is done (and if you want to do your inner work properly you also make sure you get rid of the limiting beliefs you have learned from that S.E.E. using the STEP #3B Clearing a S.E.E. s belief video -or any of the other videos that I have created to clear limiting beliefs-) try again to tap down the fear. B. Use the #10. Psychological Reversal for Emotions video to clear any subconscious resistance to letting go of the fear. C. Be very specific. So instead of saying Even though I m afraid they will stare at me say Even though I m afraid Bob and Sally will stare at me when I confidently say my name as I introduce myself to someone new. 2008 Social-Anxiety-Solutions.com All rights reserved