YOUR GUIDE TO BUILDING CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF Natural Confidence By Marius Panzarella 2002, All Rights Reserved It is illegal to copy, steal, or distribute all or any part of this book or web page without the author s permission. By purchasing this book, you agree to the following: You understand that the information presented contained on this book is for personal entertainment purpose only. It is not to be considered legal or personal advice. The author is not responsible for any actions or results from the use of this book.
Introduction In my main manual, I gave you a simple exercise on how to get used to rejection, as well instructions on how to use body language to fake confidence until you really have it. But since confidence is such a big issue when it comes to dating women, I ve decided to write a further guide on how to overcome whatever fears you may have and build up the natural self-confidence within you. Preparation Before we go any further, I would like you to take a few minutes to think about why you would like to become more confident. Please take the time to think about the following questions: 1) How would being more confident help you in life? 2) In what situations do you need more confidence? 3) Where and when do you already have confidence? (In small groups? When you re with your best friend?) And where and when do you not have it? (At a podium? With a girl?) Understand that you will need motivation to change yourself. You cannot just say, I want to be less nervous around women and then not doing anything about it. You will need to know WHY you want to change. You will need to know where you come from and where you want to go. You should now come up with a list of things about your life you want to change. Start your sentences with I want and I don t want, and come up with as many of them as possible. Write them all down on a piece of paper. Some examples are: - I want to be able to talk to a woman without sweating too heavily 2
- I don t want to be afraid of women - I want to get a girlfriend - And so on Next, I would like you to visualize how confidence could help you to change these things. Start by sitting down in a comfortable position where you cannot be disturbed for the next 15 minutes or so. Then relax your body by first tensing your muscles and then releasing them. Start with your toes, then up to your ankles and thighs and then up to your waist and chest. Do the same thing with your arms. Just tense your fingers real hard and then release. Move up to your forearms and to your arms until you finally reach your shoulders. Do the same thing with your neck. Don t forget to breath in and out while you re doing this. Gradually slow down your breath until you feel your whole body is relaxed completely. Next, close your eyes and think of a person you know or somebody on TV who is very confident around people including women. Focus on the way they walk, the way they interact with people, the way they stand or sit, the way they talk, the way they gesture and the way they use their facial expressions to communicate, etc. Think about that person for a few minutes, until you have a clear picture of him in your mind. Once you re got a good image in your head, imagine yourself drifting into his body. Imagine what it would be like to be that person. Imagine how others would look at you, how they would talk to you, how they would admire you, how they would interact with you, and generally how good it would feel to be that person. Visualize what it would be like to walk around as that person. How would you walk? How would you talk? How would you stand? How would you sit? Take a few minutes to visualize yourself walking down the street as him. 3
Once you ve got a good idea, open your eyes and BECOME that person. Slowly stand up and BE that person. Imagine you ve just wakened up in the morning as him. How would you walk or talk now? And how would you approach the situations that used to be problematic for you? What is your body image now to other people? How would you act around women now? Notice all the details. Then look at your list of things again, and try to think about how your new character would response to those situations. You should take half an hour to do this exercise everyday. In time, you will see a dramatic change in your body. The point of this exercise is to fool your body into thinking that you re a confident person. I have put this exercise as a shortcut to give you a sense of what it is like to be confident. We will now go back to the beginning and learn other ways to improve your confidence. I am going to start by telling you what confidence really is. What Confidence Really Is Confidence is an attitude which allows people to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. Confident people trust their own abilities and have a great sense of control in life. People with a high confidence are usually very positive when interpretating their own performances. Their goals are usually very realistic and achievable. And even when they do not meet their expectations they will only see it as a small setback or obstacle, but never as a complete failure. They don t believe they need to be approved by anyone, and they are willing to take risks because they don t fear failure. In contrary, people with low confidence are always insecure about their own abilities. They tend to avoid any kind of risks because they are afraid of failure. They usually depend on the approval of others in order to feel good. They also expect negative outcomes in whatever they do. Even when they are mildly successful at something they usually still see it as a failure because they are so negative about themselves. They expect to fail, and so they do. (This is called a 4
self-defeating pattern.) They also tend to take criticism from others too seriously while ignoring the compliments they get. The Roots Of Confidence While some studies show that biology does play a small part in how confident a person is, confidence is generally accepted as a result of a person s childhood. It seems that parents who are too demanding, overprotective or critical may cause children to feel inferior or incapable when they grow up. But if their parents offer unconditional support and love to their children even when they make mistakes, the children will be more likely to accept themselves as who they are when they grow up. Think about it. If you get punished every time you try to do something but fail, soon you are not going to want to try anymore. Let s summarize what we have mentioned about people with low confidence so far. A Summary of Characteristics of People With Low Confidence: 1) They seek approval from every person they come across. 2) They have unrealistic goals that they cannot possibly achieve. 3) They have self-defeating patterns. Now, let s look at each of these characteristics and find ways to defeat them! Seeking Approval This is a big one. It travels way back to a boy s childhood when the poor kid is always trying to seek approval of his parents, hoping they won t punish him for doing anything wrong. And as he grows up, he begins to fear failure because he doesn t want to be punished or criticized. He simply gives up trying. After all, you can t do anything bad if you are not doing anything at all. 5
There is only one-way to defeat this: by not seeking approval from others anymore. Try to put on an I don t need you but you need me attitude. It really helps. Remember that the whole world evolves around YOU as long as you believe it. YOU are the center of the universe in your perspective. If somebody doesn t like you, too bad for them. There are billions of other human beings here on earth. Yes, this may be harder then said, but if you try hard enough, it is possible to break out of this pattern. Unrealistic Goals A lot of people are all-or-nothing perfectionists who try to set up goals so high that they will never be able to achieve them. And guess what? They then blame themselves for not being able to do something that simply cannot be done. Don t make the same mistake. Keep your goals small and realistic. You will feel a lot better already. Self-Defeating Patterns I personally think this is the one that screws up most people. When I say self-defeating patterns, I am referring to ANY harmful assumptions that can mess up your confidence. They usually go around and around in circles and can lower a person s self-esteem more and more as time passes on. Here are a few examples of self-defeating patterns and ways you can counter them: Being Too Damn Negative Most people with low self-esteem are so negative about life that they generally talk themselves into failure. Here is a good remedy: STOP as soon as you begin to think negatively. You may want to do the introductory exercise as a quick boost of energy. 6
Magnification of the Negative/Minimization of the Positive This is another big one. People who are not confident are usually oversensitive about failure and under sensitive about success. In short, good things simply aren t as important as bad things to them. To stop this, next time you fail, just remind yourself of the accomplishments you have achieved. Being Too Modest Some people with low self-esteems hate compliments. If you fall under this category, just learn to love them from now on. As a matter of fact, you may try praising yourself and start being just a bit cockier. If you re worried about being too cocky, simply remember the following rules: 1) Share your achievements with people who helped you to achieve them. (Share the credits.) 2) Find the right audience. 3) Admit your mistakes if you make any. Then immediately continue to praise yourself (about other things). 4) Keep the things you boost about fresh. Praise yourself on something you did yesterday, but don t talk about the soccer match you won when you were eleven. Not Giving Themselves Enough Credits People with little or no self-esteem often see failure as their own inability while seeing success as a result of luck or other external factors. For example, if they fail an exam, they tell themselves it is because they are dumb. But when they get an A, they tell themselves it s because the test was easy. To start giving yourself a bit more credits, just remember my golden line, In my experience, there is no thing such as luck except bad luck. 7
Ways To Build Up Confidence To build up your confidence, simply be more positive about things and start giving yourself credits. Call me arrogant, but I personally do not care what others think of me. Remember that there are lots of people in the world, and not everybody will like you. I like to see the people who dislike me as being jealous of me. Start setting up more small realistic goals that you can accomplish, and give yourself a small prize every time you accomplish one. In the long run, this will really build up your self-confidence. Also, remember that you are usually more confident in your own special field. This is because you are generally more prepared for whatever may come your way. So what does this tell you? Experience can make you more confident in an area! If you re afraid of women, then practice the techniques I ve taught you in my books and you should feel conform table around women knowing that you will know what to do. A lot of players are only confident because they are experienced and know what to do. If you start practicing now, pretty soon you will be just as confident as they are. One last thing. Don t be afraid to fail. Go out and take risks. Do the get yourself rejected exercise in my main manual. Here is a good idea: Do the introductory exercise at the beginning of this manual. Then change into a costume. Just wear something you don t usually wear. Put on your sunshades and take on a new persona. BECOME the person in your visualization. Then drive to the other side of town and get off. Strike up conversations with strangers, and get yourself rejected over and over. In a few hours, you will learn that rejection isn t such a big deal at all. That is when you should take off your sunshades, put on your best smile, walk as tall as you can, and approach the girl of your dream. If you have any questions, suggestions or comments, please email me at mariuspanzarella@datebeautifulwomen.com. I would love to hear from ya! 8