FROM TANGLED COMMUNICATION

FROM TANGLED COMMUNICATION So You and Your Partner Can Really Connect By Morgan Sontag, MS Break Free to Your Extraordinary Life www.breakfreetherapy.com 2016 Morgan Sontag, MS

TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Who Is Morgan? 2. Introduction 3. What to do to Untangle Yourself 4. What exactly is projection? 5. It can t just be Me! 6. How do you know when you are caught in your own projection? 7. What to do when someone projects on you! 8. Tips for Unhooking 9. Review 10. Conclusion 11. What s Next? WHO IS MORGAN? Morgan Sontag, MS, is a relationship coach, psychotherapist, educator, trainer, catalyst, and Hendricks Institute Transformational Leaders Program graduate. Morgan specializes in cutting-edge approaches that help dissolve negative mental patterns, for example, blaming, criticizing, defending...etc., and the associated feelings and behaviors which prevent full self-expression. Weaving quick-witted humor with fun, Morgan guides clients to expand their capacity for joy by opening stuck places to unleash freedom and hidden potential. Daily doses of tear-streaming laughter, surprises, theater, writing, traveling, meeting people, and learning as much as possible keep life fresh and enlivening for Morgan.

INTRODUCTION You are upset! This inner conflict isn t going away. Something unexpected happened or didn t go well or is unresolved or has repeated. You are fretting, talking with yourself, reviewing what occurred, having a conversation in your head. This nags at you and keeps you awake at night. You have mixed feelings and don t know what to do. You d like to ignore the whole thing but a part of you knows that isn t the best choice. You have communication glitches. With some people it can be a head-scratcher. What is going on? Sometimes, you feel stuck. You don t know how to resolve, solve or even say what is true for you because it can become a tangled mess. Let s start with learning some skills which can help you to shift from reactivity to response-ability. WHAT TO DO TO UNTANGLE YOURSELF! You had an argument or got upset with someone or something occurred and you felt scared or angry. Look back to a recent entanglement. STEP 1. Determine what exactly happened? Look only at the facts. That means only the events as they occurred, no interpretations or feelings or assumptions. Facts only! It is most helpful to write this down when you first begin learning this skill. You can then see more clearly what is happening. HERE ARE TWO EXAMPLES: A. He walked into the room, threw his coat on a chair, didn t look up, mumbled, hello, picked up the newspaper, sat down and started to read. Just the facts nothing else. B. Another example: You receive a text. I am not finished running errands. I won t be able to meet you until after 5pm. It s been a busy day. I ll let you know when I get to the coffee shop.

STEP 2. Identify what you added to these facts. What interpretation, meaning or story did you make-up and add to the facts? What did you assume and interpret? What did you tell yourself about it? Write it down. A. He must be upset about something. Did I do something wrong? He might be mad about. Oh crap, this is going to be a bad evening, I can just tell. I feel anxious or I feel angry that he is ignoring me. He doesn t care. This is not working out. I wonder if he wants to break up with me? etc. B. She doesn t really care about our friendship. She s hardly ever on time. I am tired of her taking advantage of me. I must not matter or be the friend I thought I was to her. I am pissed that I am not as important as her schedule. I ll show her! I am not going to meet her at all, etc. STEP 3. Once you have written down, what exactly occurred and then what you added to it, you can see that it was one-sided. In other words what your mind made up or added to the facts, was not based on any conversation except the one you had in your own head. And then you believed what you thought, and behaved as if it was the truth. STEP 4. Take responsibility for your reactivity, and own it by saying, When this happened, I made up a story that you, then I blamed you, yelled at you, and pulled away. I apologize for getting angry, and then disappearing, etc. or whatever you did. STEP 5. Listen to the impact of your projection or your over-lay/interpretation onto somebody else. I was confused and then felt hurt. Thanks for letting me know what happened. This does not need to be a big process or analysis or even a discussion. Own it, apologize for the impact, hear the response if there is one, and move forward. Many of your internal conflicts and upsets with others are due to getting stuck in your head, in your own thinking, your own limited and one-sided point of view. And then in seconds you have withdrawn or shutdown from the person or interaction. You see or project (like a movie projector) your own script, analysis, interpretation and conclusion. You are caught up in your own internal spin, convinced you are right. Often the drama, chaos, ill-feelings and general conflict you are experiencing is due to projection. It is all in your head!

WHAT EXACTLY IS PROJECTION? Projection is an involuntary, unconscious transfer of your own feelings and behavior onto another person. The defense system (ego) looks for evidence to protect, and to prove you are right, or not safe or valued. It separates you and turns others into the enemy. When projecting, you hold tightly to your point-of-view, convinced you are right. We learn projection in childhood. It is happening all around us. People misunderstand and distort and make-up what is happening. We are not taught anywhere how to master the skill of recognizing and dissolving our own projections. Looking over and finger-pointing at someone else helps to mask underlying anxiety and emotions. It covers up the unacceptable parts of yourself so that these qualities appear to be in somebody else. Attributing your buried issues and unprocessed emotions to someone else is a defense mechanism. It protects you from facing your own internal struggle or unresolved feelings. IT CAN T JUST BE ME! What if something really is happening over there? LET S LOOK AT THESE 2 EXAMPLES AGAIN. A. First, the fellow who enters, mumbles hello, tosses his coat, and begins to read a newspaper It could actually be true that he was upset about something, or distracted or preoccupied. He could have been running an internal mental conversation, making a list or planning something, thinking about money, food, the news, you name it. Something might have been going on, but you have added an entire story. You have come to some conclusion. In fact, you are now convinced, he s being a jerk. You are bracing for conflict, or gearing up to defend yourself, or you have shut-down and are sulking and unavailable. Take one guess at where this is headed?! You are literally setting up the conflict!

B. The second example with the gal who texts that she ll be late to meet you She could actually be forgetful or poor at time management. She could be having a challenging day. She could have no idea that you are taking her delay personally. She has been late before and you never seemed to mind. She could think you are very supportive and understanding. She could be absolutely clueless that you would be angry, or hurt or conjuring up stories that you don t matter to her, etc. In fact you could matter very much, which is why she pulls over to text you. But instead you have decided that you don t matter to her and you are hurt and pissed. You decide to blow her off and no-show. She texts when she arrives to meet you, and you don t respond. You are convinced that you are right, and that you don t matter. You retaliate and take yourself away. However, what you are demonstrating is that she doesn t matter to you. She doesn t matter enough for you to answer her text or to clear up the misunderstanding. And underneath it all, you don t matter enough to you, to reach out, connect, clear up and get the love and friendship you so desire. You blame her for your feelings of not mattering or being of value. Something can actually be going on the fellow was preoccupied, the gal was late but what you add, what the mind conjures and then what behavior and attitude you take on is what makes it a tangled mess. It is a layering over or blowing up an exchange or incident by adding what you have made up in your head to the actual facts or reality. You will never be happy as long as you are engaging with others in this blind trance of projection.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR OWN PROJECTION? You notice things were good and then suddenly you are uncomfortable, irritated, reactive. You feel yourself getting upset. Then you hear yourself going into a position of I m right, and you re wrong. Once you go there you have just disconnected yourself. The scenario quickly becomes distorted in your mind as you gather evidence, judge and draw your conclusions. Next, you know this experience feels familiar in some way. You can feel the familiarity even if the situation is not the same. You may have a memory, a thought, or hear a voice from the past. The important piece is to realize you have felt this way before. It is an old familiar feeling to you. This is a sure sign you are caught up in a projection! When you add this familiar feeling to your right point of view you can know absolutely you are projecting and distorting or twisting up what actually happened. WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE PROJECTS ON YOU! You will know because you have no idea what they are talking about, their version is so far from your truth! 1. Look first to see if any of it rings true and own that. If it is not accurate at all, you can say, That is not mine. That is coming from you. Please don t assign that to me. 2. The minute you try to discuss or understand, explain, or defend, you have taken the bait. This is the whole unconscious point of projection, to keep the focus over there on you! Rather than face the internal discomfort, anxiety or unresolved issues in the part of the projector, the focus is placed outside and onto you. 3. If the one projecting cannot unhook from their own projection, you can t do a thing. If the projector persists in pointing at you or blaming you, you must remove yourself from the conversation.

TIPS FOR UNHOOKING The key question to ask yourself is: Would you rather be right or relate? Develop a sense of curiosity to this question. See if you can actually answer the question honestly. Next, you must shift your focus into present time. HERE ARE A FEW SHIFT MOVE TOOLS: A. Notice if you are in the past or future. Where are you? Say it to yourself Past, past, past, past, past Future, future, future You have to unhook and unlock this grip of righteousness. B. Take deep breaths and observe your environment. Lighting, colors, sound, textures, get your head back to the present moment. C. Change your body posture! Move your body get moving. Jiggle, wiggle, keep breathing, but move! REVIEW Learn to recognize when you are drifting from feeling good to feeling bad or angry, etc. Pause to look at what exactly is happening. What has occurred that you are all of a sudden feeling uncomfortable or upset? Facts only. Next, instead of engaging in the thoughts, the argument, the proof collecting, the history, your interpretation, keep your mouth closed, and watch what is happening in your mind. Notice how you have added your interpretation to the facts only. Do not share this perspective. You will only be creating drama and conflict. You must pull yourself into the present moment, and remember that you are caught up in thoughts and feeling states with associated memories from the past. You are projecting which is coloring and clouding your current perspective. You must wait until the trance dissolves. Take some deep breaths and get yourself out of your head and into present time. With practice you can catch yourself drifting into projection and NOT cause yourself or anyone else conflict. You can stop getting tangled up and recognize what is happening. This is incredibly freeing and powerful.

CONCLUSION Unfortunately, if people you care about would rather be right than relate you may be forced to re-evaluate. People who say they know you or know what you really mean or meant and are convinced of their perception, will perpetuate projection in your relationship. Projection is no fun! And it does not have to dominate you and your relationships. Practice these skills to prevent tangling up your communications with others! WHAT S NEXT? In order to change what isn t working, you have to learn new information, new skills and new practices. The old foundation you are struggling from, based on your family of origin, is outdated. It is time to consciously create your support base so you can have results and experiences that expand, delight, and lead to continual harmony and joy. Learning the life-changing skill of untangling projection is one of many effective communication tools. At Break Free Therapy & Coaching, a wide range of simple, yet effective research-based skills and practices are taught which can produce the following results: 1. Chronic struggles within you, or with your partner or family, and co-workers lessen and disappear. 2. Irritating behaviors which have typically triggered you no longer hook and annoy you. You learn to respond rather than to react. 3. You discover the key elements for how you may be inviting and setting up the very thing(s) you say you don t want! And you learn HOW to change these habitual patterns, in order to allow for the outcomes you desire. 4. When the unexpected or unwanted (scenarios and results) happen, you learn to shift from resistance and reactivity to openness and curiosity. Life doesn t bug you as it used to, when unforeseen events occur. 5. You develop a kindness toward yourself which invites ease and flow in all of your relationships. You learn to regard yourself with love and respect. 6. You can experience personal responsibility as you align your full body and mind with your highest values and integrity.

WHY WAIT TO BREAK FREE FROM TANGLED COMMUNICATION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? Learn how to connect with your spouse through clear, honest communication. This communication then becomes the base for developing a conscious, loving, life-affirming relationship. DON T WAIT ANY LONGER! Contact Morgan@BreakFreeTherapy.com