HELEN DRIVING PHOBIA 0:00:04 Jon: Good to meet with you. What comes to the top? 0:00:07 Helen: The top of the heap is I have a phobia. Long story short, when I was talking to Janice, I had met with your associate once, and she said, Oh, I wish you would have talked to Dr. Connelly about this phobia. Maybe he s got some insights or exercises or whatever. So, my phobia is merging in traffic. I have had it since I started driving. I started driving in my early twenties, not at sixteen, but there was no defining moment that, like, you know, I wasn t in a car accident and since then I haven t been able to merge. It s nothing like that. I m just really scared of it. I live in a rural area and for me to get around, it s a liability. 0:01:11 Jon: Yes. Is it, you mean, merging? 0:01:14 Helen: On 95, on highways, on turnpikes. That kind of thing. 0:01:18 Jon: Where there is an entrance ramp? 0:01:22 Helen: Yes. 0:01:23 Jon: So, where there is an entrance ramp. 0:01:26 Helen: Yeah, not like a passing in the lane, which that would make me nervous too, but the big kahuna is the entrance ramp. 0:01:35 Jon: So, how have you up until now handled that? Have you gone ahead and done it in spite of the feeling? 0:01:44 Helen: I go back roads. 0:01:46 Jon: I see. 0:01:47 Helen: Two answers. I either go back roads or when I m going to an event or whatever it is, I will grab a ride with a friend. 0:02:00 Jon: Was there a time that you did merge? 0:02:09 Helen: I have maybe two or three times. I m going to be sixty next month so it s something that I avoid at all costs. 0:02:20 Jon: Ok. So, help me understand more about what the thoughts are that come up as you think about doing the merging. 1
0:02:39 Helen: I feel like I m going to crash and somebody is going to crash into me or something bad is going to happen. I get very anxious. 0:02:52 Jon: And how have you been when you ve been a passenger with somebody who merges? 0:03:06 Helen: I m going to say the majority of the time I have no problem whatsoever. They are good drivers I ve been with and I admire that they, in my world, you know, in my head, that they have the confidence to do so. I m not nervous, unless it s such heavy traffic, and then anybody would be, but it doesn t, you know, it s not like as being a passenger I have the same feeling as being a driver. 0:03:44 Jon: Good. That puts us ahead of the game. That gives us a head start from where I have more often started with people and there are a number of people that I ve met with that had similar issues. One fellow was absolutely terrified of making a left turn, so he learned to travel everywhere only making rights. 0:04:13 Helen: I can understand that. 0:04:14 Jon: It took him some extra time to do that. So, many people have had various kinds of fears associated with specific traffic situations and we have very effectively moved many people past that so I think we can certainly get somewhere. 0:04:47 Helen: I was going to say, this is a better late than never session because I leave to go back to South Carolina tomorrow and I m thinking about maybe going to driving school or whatever but I wanted to come to you. 0:05:09 Jon: Well, it s a very good idea that you did. And I also think that having a few lessons with a driving teacher around that issue also would integrate nicely with what I m going to do with you and get you all the way on the other side of that in a clear shot. Here s what we do first. I would like you to imagine or think whatever you would need to think or imagine in order to purposely cause the feeling of fear that has accompanied the idea of merging. So, do that now. Close your eyes. 0:06:00 Helen: Could you repeat that again, please? 0:06:03 Jon: Yeah, I d like you to cause the feeling of fear. 0:06:09 Helen: Ok. I got it. Got it. 0:06:11 Jon: Ok, good job. Got it. 0:06:13 Helen: I mean, I m getting there. 2
0:06:14 Jon: Oh, when you said got it 0:06:15 Helen: No, I understood what you said the first time. I just wanted to be clear. 0:06:21 Jon: Ok. Got it? Good. Open your eyes. We re done with that. What happened is, I asked you to do something, you are cooperative and you used your mind and caused a feeling. The problem has been that mind has been doing that on its own. It s been doing that because of a particular way that mind has been processing data. There is data that is coming in, like you see my hand moving. That s incoming data. That s how you know my hand is there and moving. My hand moving isn t inside your head. You know it s happening because senses bring in that data into your brain. So, there is incoming data. Our minds also store data. So, there is incoming data and stored data. Our minds attach meaning to data, just like our minds attach esthetics to data, and somebody might say, Oh, that painting is beautiful. Somebody else might say, I think it s hideous. That s because you would explain beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not within the painting anyway and in just the same way, meaning is in the mind of the perceiver. The mind of the perceiver, not within the thing. Somebody might say, Look at cowardice, and you might say, I m seeing courage right there. Meaning in the mind. So, mind causes meaning, mind stores data, mind may attach meaning to stored data so that as she recalls it, she recalls it with the meaning integrating with the facts of what took place. Mind, in addition to storing data, manufactures data. So, people have dreams about things that they haven t experienced exactly in the way they dream. Somebody has a thought of an idea or writes a novel because mind has manufactured. It has the ability to manufacture data. And then mind has the ability to remember data that is has created. So, there s remembered data, there s remembered created data, there s remembered created data with meaning attached. There is all that kind of stuff going on. It s a complicated system and sometimes that system functions less than optimally and data is read by mind in a way that is incorrect. Now, sometimes when data is read incorrectly, the individual experiences that false belief on all levels. So, he says to you, I m afraid that I will get smashed into by a meteor, and you say, Well, there are meteors, and I guess occasionally they touch the earth, but it doesn t seem like a very likely thing. And he says to you, I think it 3
0:13:11 Helen: Yes. is likely and I m pretty sure it s going to happen to me. That is a fear that is here but also here. His whole mind is unified in that. On the other hand, your friend says to you, I m afraid of public speaking, and you say, Do you think public speaking is dangerous? And she says, No. I m sure it s perfectly safe and would be a great idea, it s just that inside my mind fears it. Well that person is certainly in better shape than the first person. You have been in that category. You get it here that this is something- See nothing is actually safe. Somebody could say it wouldn t be safe to go outdoors so I ll stay inside, and you could say well I hope nothing happens to the house while you re inside it. There is no place to go, and we are not even interested in that. We are interested in relative safety. Total safety isn t there to be had and we are interested in taking reasonable precautions for relative safety. That is why you don t put on a helmet with a face mask before you walk across your room. Is it possible somebody might trip and bang their head? Yes, but it isn t worth the effort of that precaution. So, you see, here you recognize that your mind s reaction to this thing has been kind of out of whack. That is has been seeing something as more dangerous than it actually is. Then what has happened is, because mind has had that response, the fear that has come up at the thought of it has made you concerned that the fear itself would cause the behavior of driving to not be as effective because you are afraid. So, it s sort of like, I m afraid to do it because I m afraid of what it would be like to be doing it afraid. Well, what if you could enter an entrance ramp, what with one could enter an entrance ramp while driving calm and alert. You would think, well, that makes it even still more likely that that will be a safe, secure thing to do. Make sense? 0:13:15 Jon: So, the fear has been of entrance ramps while feeling terrified. That s what the fear has been. Yes? 0:13:34 Helen: Yes. And when you asked me to close my eyes. The first thing I thought of, which, not that it was unexpected but as I m processing all of this doctor, my first thing about the fear was accelerating. As you are going on to the ramp you are accelerating, or you are going slower because how bout if the car right behind you does not go into the next lane, so it is that 0:14:12 Jon: I get what it is. It s a maneuver that requires moving at a particular speed in order to enter a particular opening. 4
0:14:22 Helen: Right. And It could be different every time. 0:14:27 Jon: Yes, it is. 0:14:28 Helen: It could be different every time, you have to be as careful as possible, and not that I m not careful but- 0:14:37 Jon: I get it. 0:14:38 Helen: Ok, thank you. 0:14:39 Jon: I understand what s been going on. Now, let s create a way to visually represent, the fear has been there because of the way your mind has been automatically processing data. It s the way mind has been processing data. Remembered data, created data, current data. It s the way mind has been processing data that has been causing the fear. Let s find a way to create the design that would represent the problematic way that mind has been reading data that has been causing that fear and interfering with your freedom. So, if we could create that design, it s an abstract design, it doesn t have recognizable content, it s more like modern art or finger paints. If we create that design would it be more like harsh, vivid, twisted, glaring, scribbling, dim, dark, murky? What would it look like? 0:16:17 Helen: I don t know if I can answer that. It is panic. So, what does panic, in my design, what does panic look like? 0:16:31 Jon: What we are doing is we are creating a design that is representing the way that mind has been processing data. That little data glitch where mind has been misreading data. If we could read a design for the way that mind has been misreading data, would the design be more like harsh, glaring or dim, dark? 0:16:58 Helen: If I had to pick one of two, it would be harsh, glaring. If I had a choice. 0:17:10 Jon: So, then the design that you ve been seeing is harsh and glaring? 0:17:19 Helen: Yeah, it s not dim, dark. 0:17:23 Jon: There you go, and you see it, that harsh, glaring design. Yes, good job. So, we are done with that. Are you with me? 0:17:36 Helen: I am. I really am. 0:17:37 Jon: Good. Then I begin to see what it is that I am intending for you and here s what it is that I m intending. I m thinking about you, and this is you in the future, and I m thinking about you in your kitchen and in the kitchen, you are remembering what it felt like to be on the highway realizing that you had merged easily and effectively. I am 5
thinking about you in the kitchen remembering being on the highway, realizing that you merged easily and effectively. Now, put your hand like this. Good. Look at your hand, look at one spot and try to open your fingers keeping them even and doing it very slowly and watch what happens as you attempt to open the hand slowly and evenly. Notice the jumps and jerks and movements that seem to be happening that aren t intended. And then, close your eyes. And with your eyes closed, continue to be aware of your hand. As you are aware of your hand, you don t need to do anything to it or with it. Simply be aware of it and interested in how it feels and how it moves on its own. So, it s different from trying to make it move. That s it. It s instead being interested in movement that happens, that s it, automatically. The movements that you become aware of are manifestations of energy. Indeed, all movement is energy, that s it, and so movement that you are aware of is a manifestation of energy and movement that you are not aware of is a manifestation of energy. And you can realize that whatever it is, that you are able to be aware of any movement, that there is always movement that you aren t consciously aware of. And as arm them moves down, on its own, to rest, down, notice how your arm moves down and how differently your arm moves down. Different from the way that you would purposely or consciously cause it. As all that is going on, you will remember that we spoke about you in the kitchen. You are in the kitchen and you remember a very nice feeling on the highway, easily moving down the highway, straight ahead, knowing just what to do. And while enjoying driving on the highway, straight ahead, easy and good, you recall the easy flow on as you moved easily into the space and then flowed on forward with all the other cars. And, as you are in the kitchen remembering being on the highway where you felt good about the entrance, you remember realizing as you are driving down the highway that the process of merging is a cooperative venture. You remember realizing that each of the other drivers is cooperating with the single purpose of keeping space between each of the automobiles and that that is a give and take that flows through each unit. In the kitchen seeing the refrigerator, seeing the stove, considering the contents of the refrigerator and what might be found in a cabinet, you recall the easy feeling of exiting from the right lane off of that road and gradually onto a smaller road. In the kitchen, noticing the way that the chairs are structured, the handle of the refrigerator, the top of the stove. Now, each process builds on the one before it. So, again, just take your time, and when you are ready, once again, you can open your eyes. There we go, and tell me a little 6
about what you noticed in terms of thoughts during those few moments. 0:26:50 Helen: A lack of trust of other drivers. 0:26:58 Jon: So, and that thought came up particularly when we talked about it being a venture in which all people had the same goal, yes? That was the point where that thought came up. 0:27:14 Helen: I guess. So, it was that, I guess that concern. I intellectually felt the understanding. I think kitchens are a peaceful place and that when you put me in the kitchen and imaging things, it is something that is comforting. 0:27:52 Jon: Yes, you were in the kitchen remembering having been on the highway, and as you experienced the in the kitchen, remembering having been on the highway, what did you notice during those few moments. 0:28:17 Helen: A little bit of relief. There s a bit of road in South Carolina that I can merge on and it s between the shoreline and up until sort of an area, it doesn t matter, but I go down to the shoreline fairly often, but I usually merge. I usually, because the traffic is much less than 95, a real highway, and I am also cognizant of what time of day I merge. And sometimes you can t help that. But when I do merge, I feel a sense of relief. 0:29:28 Jon: Yeah. 0:29:29 Helen: And then I am fine. 0:29:32 Jon: Right. 0:29:34 Helen: But it s like, I did it. And there are times that I could take the back roads and I decide to take that strip of turn pike, because I don t consider it a highway. You know, it s two lanes per side, but it is merging and there are times that I decide to take that route because of the back route because it s just going to make things worse if I don t. 0:30:05 Jon: Yes. So, you remember doing that. Good. 0:30:10 Helen: And then other times I take the back roads. 0:30:13 Jon: So, you are giving me a history kind of? 0:30:15 Helen: I don t know. I just know that it is interfering with my life and I will tell you this, doctor, I think why it is bubbling right now is because there are professional options that I need more confidence, or whatever 7
0:30:54 Jon: Yes, I understand. you want to call it, to merge. There is also AA meetings that I want to go to that just aren t in my hamlet, and I really live in a hamlet. 0:30:55 Helen: And, to be able to explore my options and go to different AA meetings and go to different things, and also, I think what really fed the phobia in the past four or five years, being now that I accept that I m an alcoholic and I m always going to be in recovery, doctor, I know that now, but when I denied that, I would stay at home. I ve never gotten a DUI. I ve never been pulled over. Why? Because I stay in and drink. Now, and I am firmly committed, I m sure you ve heard this a million times, but I m firmly committed that I am not drinking and that gives me, that alleviates one fear because I don t want to- first of all, it s dangerous, drinking and driving. I get that. But it s also, I ve been caught up in the worry of if I drive and I drink, not only is it the wrong thing to do, but it could impact me in other ways. Law wise, so this is why it s bubbling up right now. Because that deterrent is off the table and now I ve got to spread my wings in a very positive manner. 0:32:57 Jon: Yes. So, I do understand your motivation to move ahead. 0:33:02 Helen: So, from where I live, it petrifies me, because there is this bridge and everybody.i mean, there s like four lanes on each side, but I ve got to figure out a way to break this, but I think also, I m sorry I m talking so much 0:33:37 Jon: It s your time, sweetie. 0:33:38 Helen: Yeah, yeah. But next month I m going to be sixty and if not now, when? 0:33:47 Jon: So, I get it that the way you are organizing this has put it as not only desirable, but tremendous pressure. And are you finding that tremendous pressure to be something that is comforting for you? 0:34:07 Helen: Honestly no. 0:34:08 Jon: Well I wouldn t think so. But I ve noticed that as you are describing the thing, you have been describing it adding more and more pressure. I don t know that that would be advantageous. I think it s fine to just accomplish this because it s something that is of interest. And that will be enough. So, you are opening things up as you are talking with me today and then you will have the actual experience of moving through this with somebody sitting right next to you who s saying, Ok, here and good, and now go for it. And that is going to be very reassuring and will have you acquiring the experience of 8
safely being guided through something a number of times until it becomes automatic to do the same maneuver without requiring the guidance. It makes sense to be guided initially and as you are guided, it becomes easier and easier as you acquire the experience to be doing it with more and more ease. Guidance will be somebody sitting next to you saying, Ok, now accelerate and veer left. And that person will have awareness of the entire traffic pattern and will have a great commitment to your success with moving onto that road in a safe and effective way. And so, will be guiding you in a way that is calm and precise. You will naturally follow that guidance and will move ahead and then you will be back in the kitchen, remembering what it was like to be on the highway, feeling good about having entered it. So, you will be in the kitchen, remembering what it was like to be on the highway. On the highway, realizing you ve entered the highway and gotten that done. In the kitchen, remembering being on the highway, on the highway realizing that you ve entered the entrance to the highway and have gotten that done. Yes. It makes sense to get that you are interested as you are entering and moving into that space that is there, but as you do that, you can also do it with the assurance that every other driver is also quite interested in having space around his vehicle also. So, I don t think much trust is actually required there, you don t have to be introduced to that guy to understand he would rather not crash into you. And that he has all kind of things he can do about that, like speed up or slow down or move this way or that way, and you re waiting for an open space where you move through. People in the right lane are expecting people to move in. People who don t like people moving in move out of the right lane, into one of the other lanes where that doesn t happen as much, but certainly people in the right lane expecting that part of the deal is they deal with people who are merging onto that lane. They can see somebody going and they can see if that person is ahead, that they are going to be moving in front. If that person is level, that they won t and that person will fall behind to move behind. So, that s what it s like if you are here, and it s level, then you move behind. And if you are here, then you move in. And that will just become automatic for you. If you are here, he s here, then in. If you are here, he s here, then back. It will be really clear and obvious. If he is here, would it be good for you to move there too. No. If he is right behind you here, would it be good for you to move here too? 9
No. If you are here, he certainly doesn t want to be here when you go there. So, that s where it s a cooperative venture. He knows if you are ahead and you are in the right entrance ramp, that you are not planning to continue going on that entrance ramp, that you are going to be going onto this. He absolutely knows that you are doing that. If he can see your car bumper, he knows you are going to be in front of it. If you are to the right and he can see the bumper, he knows you will be moving in front of him and is very interested in you being in front of him, not anything but you being in front of him, so he is invested in this process also. It is obvious to him as he is looking that you are there. He can t very well miss that as he s driving. He sees you there, there is a space here, and you are going to absolutely move into that. It becomes more and more and more automatic as you do it and the coaching with that instructor will enable you to be on your way to the kitchen remembering that it has been accomplished and there is a feeling of exhilaration. Make some sense? 0:41:48 Helen: Sounds good to me. 0:41:50 Jon: Alrighty. I m glad we had an opportunity then to think about that together. I think your mind is now organized in a somewhat different way and there is an opening for the next step as you move into doing that even more easily. It was great to see you. Congratulations 0:42:14 Helen: Thank you. 0:42:15 Jon:...on completing your time here and I know you will do just fine as you move ahead from here. 0:42:23 Helen: As I merge ahead. 0:42:26 Jon: Enjoy your day dear. 0:42:27 Helen: Thank you, you too. 10