The 7 BIG Mistakes That People Make When Dealing With The Boss From Hell 1. Think you can change them Perhaps the biggest mistake you can make when you have a difficult, unreasonable boss (or colleague) is to think you can change them. All the time you focus your attention, efforts and energy on trying to change the other person is wasted. One of the simple rules I always follow in life is: You can never change another person, they can only choose to change themselves However, what you can change is the way you think, feel and behave in relation to your challenging boss. Indeed, when people come to me in coaching sessions and say the problem they want to solve is how to deal with their challenging boss, my first questions always focus on the coachee. Questions like, So how do you currently behave with your boss? or What could you do differently?
2. Behave like an ostrich and stick your head in the sand When faced with an unreasonable, demanding boss, ignoring the problem will never make it change. So if you bury your head in the sand and just hope the problem goes away it won t. Your boss is not a mind reader so they may not even be aware of the negative impact their behaviour is having on you. Actually, there is a really simple and very effective 4 step feedback process you can apply to communicate back to your boss the impact his or her destructive behaviour is having on you: Step 1 Give a SPECIFIC example of something they said or did that you did not like Step 2 Tell them how you felt when they said or did it Step 3 Tell them the impact it had on you. Step 4 Tell them what would have been a more constructive behaviour in your opinion For example: Are you aware you interrupted me each time I started to talk about the benefits of our products in that last meeting? Actually, when you did that I felt really irritated and uncomfortable. Not really respected in fact. The impact of that was that I chose not to share any more of my ideas in the meeting, even though I had a couple of good suggestions. I would have preferred it if you hadn t interrupted and allowed me to share my ideas more, which would have motivated me to get more involved.
Notice that when using the process you do not attack or accuse your boss in any way you simply share facts about behaviour, how you felt and the impact of that. This is a very emotionally intelligent way to give feedback to someone who has annoyed you, and almost always they will respect you for your openness and honesty. Of course you cannot guarantee your boss will change but at least they have something meaningful to reflect on. Any by the way, it takes guts to do this but remember if you feel you are not being respected by your boss for who you are, then you have a fundamental right to share this. We all deserve respect for who we are. 3. Attack Attack! Another common mistake I have seen people make is to attack their boss (not physically!) when the feel they are being unfairly treated. Remember, two wrongs don t make a right, and rarely if ever have I seen a good result if you jump into attack or accusation mode to reply to your unfair boss. Now it is perfectly human and normal to feel irritated, frustrated or even angry if your boss treats you in a disrespectful way but it is in your benefit to learn to manage this emotion before responding in a calm, assertive and clear way. So if necessary, take a break or do some deep breathing. Then when you feel calmer, respond to your boss using the 3 step feedback process highlighted in 2 point
4. Complain to others and catch Victimitis One of the common ways people react when they feel they have been unfairly treated by their boss is to go and find someone else to share their feelings with. Whilst it can be good sometimes to unload, if this becomes a habit it will simply spread the negativity to others and won t help you in the long run. Indeed, it is all too easy to catch the disease of victimitis - but being a victim won t help you and you will eventually turn other people away from you if you are forever complaining about how horrible your boss is. So what should you do instead? Find your inner strength, prepare carefully what you are going to say, and go and talk directly with your boss about it
5. Label your boss as the devil Now whist I fully understand that it might feel good to label you boss with all sorts of negative names, again it will not help the situation to change. A far better approach is to try to understand why your boss is being so unreasonable. From my experience, people are rarely unfair, aggressive or unreasonable towards others unless they have got problems of their own. Could it be your boss s low self esteem is triggering their behaviour maybe its easier to attack others and bring them down rather than focuss on their own weaknesses? Perhaps they are afraid feeling enormous pressure from their superiors? Maybe they feel lonely being a leader can often be a lonely place? So try to empathize with your boss and work out how you could help them, rather than taking the easy way out of labeling them as a bad person. I can assure you they are not a bad person and are all too often very grateful for some understanding. Remember, inside every tiger is just a small pussy cat.
6. Pass on the negativity to others When you work with a boss who consistently projects negative energy and behaviours on to us, you have to be careful not to let that destructive behaviour sneak into your subconscious mind and start affecting the way you behave with your colleagues, subordinates, friends or family. All too often I have seen that negative behaviour at the top of an organization can filter its way through the organization at many levels creating a normal behaviour code. Humans are pack animals, so we are genetically programmed to follow a leader. If that leader leads through fear or aggression, it sends a message to our subconscious that this type of behaviour is acceptable. It is not. So stop for a moment and make sure the negative behaviours you are critisising your boss for are not behaviours that have in some way affected the way you deal with others. Remember to hold up the mirror first and become an outstanding leader of yourself before you can expect others to do the same.
7. Fail to get the hell out! OK, so you have tried all of the above 6 tips, and still you find your boss is trying to make your life hell. Then get the hell out! Now I realize this is easy to write and maybe harder to do but bottom line is you deserve better and there is something better out there for you. Ask yourself what is holding you back from leaving. Is it fear of change? Is it financial security? Is it a fear of seeming to be a failure and taking the soft option? Whatever is holding you back, I guarantee there is a way to stop it holding you back you just haven t found it yet. So once you are clear on what is holding you back, start taking small steps to changing that. Set yourself some clear goals and steps to make your exit from the situation and start by making it clear to yourself why you are doing this and the benefits to you and others around you if you take action to change your situation.