EXERCISE GROUP Audition Side (Myrna, Irene, Lillian, Florence, Crystal) MYRNA: Now, ladies, this first exercise is going to reduce your waist and make you look absolutely fabulous. Bend at the waist, like this, (bends forward) and rotate your arms. (Windmills her arms. The GROUP bends and swings their arms, then straightens up, except for LILLIAN who remains bent over.) LILLIAN: (Bent over with arms outstretched) Help me! Help me! MYRNA: What s wrong? LILLIAN: I can t straighten up! (Begins to stagger forward.) IRENE: Where s my chair? I think I m going to faint. (Staggers dangerously.) MYRNA: (Points at LILLIAN.) Get her a chair! LILLIAN: (Staggers around.) Ooohhh! Help me! Help me! FLORENCE: My arm! I broke my arm! (Holds up arm, which dangles from the elbow.) MYRNA: You can t break your arm exercising your back! FLORENCE: I did! I think it came disconnected. (She pushes her hanging forearm and it swings in a circle, limply.) CRYSTAL: (Holding her back and staggering forward) My back! It s worse than all the others put together and I m going to sue! You and your horrid exercises! If I wanted to exercise, I d get myself a husband to beat on. That s what I did for thirty years and it worked just fine. MYRNA: Ladies, please! We have to exercise to keep strong and healthy and beautiful! CRYSTAL: I want a lawyer! LILLIAN: (Staggering) Help me! Help me! I m going to fall! CRYSTAL: I m going to sue, you, and you, and you! (Points to individuals.) I have hurt my body! MYRNA: Maybe we ve had enough exercise for one day. Let s all go out to the pool and relax. IRENE: (As the LADIES exit) Somebody get me a chair!
BINGO LADIES Audition Side (Sarah, Joan, Lois, Elizabeth, Bertha, Rose) SARAH: (Enters briskly leading a line of the five BINGO LADIES all carrying bingo cards.) In here, ladies. We ll have to continue our bingo game the best way we can. JOAN: Why can t we use our regular room? I need my lucky chair. That s what I think. SARAH: Because they re painting that room today. LOIS: And it smells! The last time I smelled something that bad was when my late husband, Harold, rest his soul, caught a skunk right out in our back yard. Can you believe it? And do you know what the skunk did? He raised his tail ELIZABETH: Lois, please! I have a weak stomach. Do we have to hear about it? You know how delicate my system is. LOIS: I was just going to tell what happened to my husband! ELIZABETH: I don t care what happened to your husband! You said it stinks and I believe you. ROSE: (Puts her hand on LOIS s shoulder in sympathy.) I know just what you mean. My second husband was a stinker, too! That s why we got a divorce! No woman should have to stay married to a real stinker. That s what I always say. BERTHA: Yeah. She should get a divorce so she can get married to another stinker. You ask me, they re all stinkers! ROSE: Was that my second husband or third? I always get those two mixed up. BERTHA: Who cares which one it was? They re all alike. I ought to know. I married five of them. LOIS: You had five husbands? What ever happened to them? BERTHA: Ran away. Every one of them. Never did figure out why. JOAN: Some people just aren t cut out for married life. That s what I think. BERTHA: And if I ever catch them, I am going to break every one of their scrawny necks! That ll let them know what I think of husbands. ELIZABETH: How subtle. SARAH: Is everybody ready? (Reaches in her pocket and takes out a button.) B- 4.
GRANDMA AND LARRY Audition Side (Just before this scene begins, GRANDMA and LARRY were holding onto a cane to keep themselves from falling over. Someone caught them holding hands and they dropped the cane. Now they are both stuck without a cane to support them.) GRANDMA: Now look what you went and done! Pick it up, stupid! LARRY: (Tries to bend over but can t because of the pain in his leg.) I can t. My leg won t bend. You pick it up. GRANDMA: I can t get down that far. LARRY: Then what are we gonna do? GRANDMA: You ll have to support me, Larry. (Places her hand on his shoulder so that they stand side by side, their bad legs together.) LARRY: Support you? That s just like a woman. Get away! You re too old for me. GRANDMA: Old? Look who s talking about old! You can t even walk by yourself. LARRY: You re older than me! GRANDMA: Am not! LARRY: Are too! How old are you? GRANDMA: A gentleman never asks a lady her age. LARRY: I never said I was a gentleman. GRANDMA: How old are you? LARRY: (Eyes her suspiciously.) Seventy- four. GRANDMA: Ha! I m only sixty- nine. LARRY: Ha, yourself! I lied. I m only sixty- five. GRANDMA: So did I. I m only sixty. LARRY: (Standing nose to nose with her) Fifty- nine! GRANDMA: I m fifty- two! LARRY: Forty- seven! GRANDMA: Thirty- nine! And if you tell one more lie, I ll break your other leg!
WHO/MARTHA/MYRTLE/MARY/PETER Audition Side MYRTLE: (To WHO) Maybe I could help you solve this mystery. (Flutters her eyelashes at him.) I used to be awfully good at finding things. (Takes his arm.) I could be your assistant. MARTHA: What? (Pushes MYRTLE out of the way and faces WHO.) What about me? WHO: Exactly! Every great detective needs an assistant. (Places a hand on MARTHA s shoulder.) You shall be my assistant What! MARTHA: I m What? WHO: Yes. Thrilling, isn t it? MYRTLE: (To MARTHA) Where do you get off being his assistant? I saw him first! MARTHA: You did not! MYRTLE: Did, too! MARTHA: Did not! MARY: What about me? MYRTLE and MARTHA: Be quiet! MARY: You don t play fair! WHO: (To MYRTLE) And you will be my assistant Where! MYRTE: Who? WHO: No. I am Who. You are Where. MARTHA: (Smiling broadly) I m his first assistant, What! MYRTLE: (Still not understanding) And I m Where? WHO: And I m Who. Splendid! (Looks at MARY.) Why are you here? MARY: Why, I don t really know. I was just standing over there and WHO: (Crosses to her.) Perfect! You can be Why! MARY: Why? WHO: (Speaking to others) I think she s got it.
LARRY/TOM/HARRY Audition Side (LARRY and TOM are playing checkers. HARRY is reading the paper.) LARRY: Go on. Play. TOM: I m thinking. I m thinking. (Continues to study the checkerboard.) LARRY: Well, hurry up. I don t have all day. TOM: You don t? Why? You got something important to do? HARRY: (Lowers his newspaper and looks at the board, then speaks to TOM.) Jump on his king. That ll slow him down. TOM: (Moves checker.) Gotcha! LARRY: (Shaking his finger at HARRY, who has gone back to reading his paper) You stay out of this! This isn t your game! TOM: Heh! Heh! Heh! That was a good one. That s two million dollars you owe me. When you gonna pay? LARRY: I ain t! Not till old what s his- name stops butting in. TOM: His name s Harry. He s your brother. Remember? I ll swear, I think you re getting simple, Larry. All these years I ve known you and now I think you re losing your marbles. LARRY: (Places hand behind ear to help him hear.) Marbles? I don t want to play marbles. I want to play checkers without old what s his- name jumpin in where he ain t wanted. HARRY: (Folds up his paper.) It s time to be getting back to our room to clean up for supper. (Speaks to LARRY.) You comin? LARRY: Not with you, I ain t. I don t want nothin to do with a man who interferes with my checkers. (Folds arms and turns away from HARRY.) HARRY: You better come along while you got the chance. (Stands.) You re apt to get lost if you try to do it alone. LARRY: Don t want to! I want to play checkers. (Looks at checkers, then at TOM.) Well, sit down, stupid! TOM: (Speaks loudly.) Don t call me stupid! My name is Tom! Tom! LARRY: (Looks at TOM.) You don t say. (Offers to shake hands.) Nice to meet you, Tom- Tom. You want to play checkers?
GRANDMA/PETER Audition Side PETER: Help me! Help me! I been wobbed (robbed). Wobbed! GRANDMA: Will you stop making all that noise! PETER: I been wobbed and I wump (want) the poweef (police)! GRANDM: Silence! (She hits PETER on the head with her newspaper.) PETER: (Rubs his head.) Oou hip (you hit) me! GRANDMA: (To PETER) I know. And if you don t calm down, I ll hit you again. PETER: (Calms down, grumbles.) I been wobbed! GRANDMA: I warned you. (Whacks him with paper. LARRY runs a few steps away from her.) Get over here! I need a shoulder to lean on. PETER: You do? GRANDMA: That lame- brained Larry stole my cane. PETER: He did? Den maybe he s the teeff (teeth) feef (theif). GRANDMA: And maybe I m the tooth fairy. Now get over here! PETER: No! No! Got to go! Got to find the teef feef. (Exits)