Psychological Smog Your psychological smog is a potent, toxic blend of unhelpful thoughts, scary predictions, rigid attitudes, harsh judgments, and painful memories. Over the years they have built up, layer upon layer, into a thick black cloud that suffocates and smothers you, and prevents you from seeing your partner and living the life you truly want. This exercise will help you identify ways you create psychological smog that hides from view the barriers to acting more caring, considerate, kind, loving, and compassionate in your relationship. Suppose a miracle happened and your partner suddenly turned into your perfect soul mate, with no faults at all, no annoying habits, always there for you, and able to meet your every need, want, and desire. If that happened, then how would you change? What would you stop, start, do more of and less of? What sort of partner would you try to become? What sort of personal qualities would you develop? What attitude would you cultivate toward your partner? How would you respond to your partner when your partner is in pain? How would you treat your partner when your partner made a mistake or screwed up? The gap between the way you would ideally behave and the way you actually behave indicates where your mind might interfere and try to justify the gap. Common justifications include, I wouldn t be acting this way if she/he would just do X, Y, and Z or If she/he would just stop doing that, then I wouldn t have to do this. These thoughts are normal, but not particularly helpful. Justifications are just one of the many layers in your psychological smog that hold you back. What is stopping you from living by your values right now? What do you fear might happen if you did start to live more by your values? What do you think needs to happen first before you can start living more by your values? Do you believe your partner should change before you do? If so, what do you expect your partner to do? Read the examples of the different types of psychological smog, then complete the activity that follows.
"Painful Past" "Scary Future" "Reason- Giving" "If Only" "Judgment" "No Point Trying" "I Know Why" "Should" Psychological Smog "Deep- Seated Fears" "Should" Why should I bother? It s not my problem; I shouldn t have to change. Why should I make it easy for her/him? She/he shouldn t have treated me that way. She/he should apologize admit she/he is wrong. It shouldn t be this hard. Results in feeling righteous, indignant, angry, or resentful. Should implies there is a rule that must be followed. "No Point Trying" It s too late. There s too much damage. We can never repair it, so why waste my time? She/He will never change, so why should I make the effort?
"If Only" If only she/he would get her/his act together If only she/he would get off my back If only she/he would share her/his feelings more openly If only she/he could get on better with my parents "Painful Past" Painful memories of everything that has gone wrong in your relationship, the million and one ways in which your partner has screwed up, hurt you, or let you down. "Scary Future" If I change, then She/He will take advantage of me. I ll get hurt. She/He won t take responsibility. She/He will never change. She/He will just do it again. She/He will take me for granted. I ll be stuck in this relationship, and it ll just get worse. I m making the wrong choice; I d be happier with someone else. If I don t leave now, I ll be too old to find someone more suitable. If I change, my partner will take advantage of me. I ll be doing all the hard work; I ll be giving, giving, giving, and s/he ll just be taking.
"Reason-Giving" I can t/won t change because I m too depressed/stressed/tired/run-down. I ve had enough. I ve got no energy left to try anymore. I m happy with who I am. S/he needs to change, not me. I m too old to change. I ve always been this way. This is the way I am. Take it or leave it. I just don t care anymore. If s/he changes first, then I ll change! Reasons are usually excuses. In the short-term they help to avoid the discomfort of hard work. In the long-term, if you get caught up in these excuses and allow them to dictate your actions, then what is the effect upon your relationship? "Judgment" Negative judgments about your partner might include S/he doesn t deserve to be treated well. She s a bitch/he s a dick. Why should I be nice to her/him? S/he s a loser. S/he doesn t deserve my respect. S/he s too aggressive; that s her/his problem. S/he s the one with all the issues, not me. "I Know Why" This layer is made up of assumptions. You analyze your partner and try to figure out why s/he keeps doing these things. Your mind comes up with all sorts of plausible ideas: her/his unconscious motivations, hidden desires, and secret agendas. What stories has your mind invented to explain your partner s behavior? S/he s doing it on purpose, to prove a point. S/he s doing it to hurt me. S/he could change if s/he really wanted to. S/he just can t be bothered. S/he s got an unconscious hostility toward men/women. It s because deep down inside s/he wants to leave me.
"Deep-Seated Fears" Deep-seated fears can get in the way of our values. Three of the most common fears are Fear of abandonment (your partner will leave you); Fear of control (your partner will smother you, control you, intrude on you, or even overwhelm you with demands for love and affection); Fear of unworthiness (you are inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable). These deep-seated fears may surface as utterly compelling stories such as S/he s going to leave me. I couldn t bear to be without her/him. I m not good enough for her/him. I know s/he ll find someone better. S/he s trying to control me. S/he won t let me be who I am. If I give her/him what s/he wants, there will be nothing left of me. When s/he finds out what I m really like, s/he ll leave. When you hold on tightly to thoughts of abandonment, what happens? Do you become clingy, needy, jealous, or possessive? Or do you start to act like a doormat and lose touch with your values around self-respect and self-care, too afraid to ask for what you want in case your partner disapproves? While some of your thoughts about your partner might be true, we are less concerned about what is true as what is helpful. If you get caught up in these thoughts and allow them to control what you do, will that help you to create a rich, full, and meaningful relationship? What are your options then? Given that you cannot stop your mind from thinking them, and trying to control them only increases them, and they are probably old thoughts that have shown up in other relationships, what can you do?
You could let yourself get caught up in them, give them all your attention, and treat them as if they are absolute truth. If this is how you respond to your thoughts, does it help you to be the partner you want to be or to build the relationship you want to build? If you dwell on them, replay them silently in your head, replay them aloud to other people, latch on to them, and get completely immersed in them, then what happens to your behavior? What happens to your values? What happens to your relationship? When you get sucked inside your mind, you will disconnect from your partner, become reactive, and neglect your values. It is not your thoughts themselves that create the smog. They only turn into smog if you hold on to them! If your thoughts were creating the smog, then the only way to disperse it would be to get rid of them, but there is no way to get rid of these thoughts permanently. You may be able to push them away for a while, but sooner or later they will return. Instead, you can learn to let these thoughts come and go. Hold them gently like a butterfly instead of clutching them tightly like a ten-dollar bill. Learn to see them for what they are, nothing more or less than words popping up inside your head. Allow them to come and go freely as if they were merely cars driving past your house. When you hold on to these thoughts, they build up. When you loosen your grip, they disperse.
How to Create Psychological Smog This exercise shows you what happens when you hold on tightly to your thoughts, turning them into a thick psychological smog. Using the examples above as a guide, write down as many smoggy thoughts as you can identify: Shoulds No Point Trying If Only Painful Past Scary Future Reason Giving Judgments I Know Why Deep-Seated Fears Now you have a long list of smoggy thoughts. The next step is to read them through and buy into them as much as you can. Give them all your attention, dwell on them, believe them, and get totally absorbed in them. The aim is to make the psychological smog as thick as it can possibly be, to get so absorbed in these thoughts that you basically lose touch with everything else. Do this for at least a minute, and then answer the questions below. When we get lost in the smog, we soon stumble into the quicksand of painful emotions. What are you feeling right now? How do you feel toward your partner right now? Does dwelling on these thoughts help to improve your relationship, or make it worse? Right now, do you feel like you want to act on your values to care for and connect with your partner? Or do you feel more like giving up, running away, or lashing out?