Stop Overshopping Sarah Mueller: So let's talk about overshopping. Overshopping is very simply, when you buy more things than you need. This can happen all at once, like in a binge, or maybe it just happens over time. Every time you go out, you buy more things than you need and all of a sudden, you discover that you are left with just more stuff than your house can handle and that you need. So... What is the cause of this? And how can we deal with this? Okay, so the cause for overshopping is really simple and you might not have heard about this before, but, I think, as you listen, that this is going to make a lot of sense for you. The cause for overshopping is due to not adequately managing your brain. So, before you zone out and just write me off as some crazy psychology major, just bear with me because I'm going to explain. Your brain is a little bit like a mischievous toddler, and if you don't closely supervise that toddler, your brain, then it is going to go off and do some crazy stuff, right? It's going to do silly things, it's going to do things that you, as a normal, logical adult, are totally not going to condone or ever dream of doing. But your brain is going to talk you into doing these things and if you're not careful, then it's going to just wreak havoc on things. So... It's a really simple solution that we can employ here. Although, just because it's simple, doesn't mean it's easy. We need to actively learn to manage our brains. And most of us walk around actually, and we're not actively managing our brains. So, let me tell you how this works. The first step in managing a brain is to become aware, to identify, and deal with triggers. So, you probably have some Stop Overshopping Page 1 of 13
things that are particular to you that trigger your overshopping. This may be things like feeling bored, or lonely, or stressed out. You might tend to overshop when you receive bad news. Maybe you feel guilty because you have a kid that complained about not having the latest toy or so-and-so has new sneakers, or like a lot of whining that they want the latest Xbox game, something like that. You might find yourself overshopping when you're feeling depressed and you're like, oh, I just need a little pick-me-up. You might overshop when you've got extra money in the bank or in your wallet, and it's sort of like the money is burning a hole in your pocket, right? And you just cannot, you can't allow that money to just be there, you feel this need to get rid of it. My six-year-old's like this, he wants to spend money immediately, as soon as he gets it. See, there's the toddler coming out again. You might overspend when you don't have enough money in the bank and suddenly you start to feel panicky and nervous about it and the way you deal with it is to go shopping, which is ironic, but it definitely happens. You might overshop when you feel a need to treat yourself, like you've had a hard day, or maybe it's even just a regular habit, but you just get in the habit of buying yourself a little something. And none of these things are bad things, this is what I want you to understand. It's not a character flaw for you to be buying things when you shouldn't, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean you're weak, it just means that you haven't identified those triggers and that you're not actively managing your brain. So, whatever the reason, when you identify your triggers, you're going to become self-aware. And self-awareness is the first step towards making a change in your life. You might already have started making some changes as you're Stop Overshopping Page 2 of 13
decluttering, you're probably thinking, gosh, I really don't need all of these different things that I'm buying. You might notice that it becomes easier to say no to things. Or it becomes easier to let them go as you're going through the decluttering process because you're thinking more, and you're being more intentional, as opposed to just doing what you've always done on autopilot. So, I want you to think about the last time that you shopped and bought too much, and by the way, you get to decide what too much is, that is a question for you and you alone. Everyone's going to have a different answer for that question. But how are you feeling before you went out shopping? Or before you click that buy button and made the decision to buy? Can you identify an event or a feeling that propelled you toward that particular action? And usually there is something that triggered that. Even if it's just a plain old habit. So, now that you've identified your triggers, it's time to address the feelings that crop up when you identified those triggers and when you run into them. It is so common to shop when you're stressed out or sad, or avoiding an uncomfortable feeling. You might do other things as well when you're running into those feelings. And you might not even realize that it's happening until you start paying attention. So, instead of giving into that reaction, I encourage you to just notice your feelings first. You just want to sit and be with those feelings, instead of avoiding them or trying to make them go away. Again, you may try to ignore your feelings or avoid them by shopping, or maybe you go and dig in around in the cupboard and look for the chocolate, or the sugar. Maybe you go on Facebook, maybe you check your email, maybe you work or exercise or too much. Shopping isn't the only way to ignore those feelings. But, it definitely is an issue because when you Stop Overshopping Page 3 of 13
ignore those feelings, then you're not actively dealing with them. So, what I want you to do is just identify how you're feeling. You want to think, what is the feeling I'm experiencing right now? And I want you to give it a name. I want you to identify it and name it. So, are you feeling sad? Are you mad? Are you angry? Are you frustrated? Are you tired? Maybe you're hungry. Maybe you're bored. Maybe you're overwhelmed. Just look for a word that describes how you're feeling at that moment. And then you want to let it be. You just want to accept that feeling and kind of, sit with it and think about how it feels. Notice any reactions that are occurring in your body. Is your heart racing? Are you crying? Are you feeling like you just want to go take a nap? Are you sweating? Are you antsy? Notice what is happening in your body as you're feeling those feelings. Some people feel really bad when they start to notice their feelings. They feel like they shouldn't feel the way they are feeling. And then, they start to feel guilty on top of the other feelings. So, feelings for the feelings, and this is completely counterproductive and you don't need to feel this way. You don't need to feel bad for how you're feeling. You don't need to change your feelings. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling a certain way. And here's the thing about feelings, you can't really change them. But, when you let them in and when you're willing to feel them, then something really, really awesome happens. The way I like to think about feelings is they're like a really persistent three-year-old. If you've ever had a three-year-old or you've ever watched a three-year-old, they can be super persistent and if they want your attention, and you're ignoring Stop Overshopping Page 4 of 13
them or you're not giving them that attention, they are going to get louder and louder, and more and more persistent. If you ignore them, they might try to climb on top of you, they might throw something at you, they might make a lot of noise, start jumping up and down and yelling, alright? But when you look that little kid in the eye and you give them your attention, and you just listen to what he has to say, he's immediately going to calm down. He's going to talk to you, his activity level is going to go way down and he's probably going to get a lot happier. And the thing about that is, after a little while, after he's told you what he wanted to say, he might even leave you alone and go off and play by himself. So, feelings are like that, too. When you ignore those feelings, they get louder and more urgent and emphatic. They get stronger, they seem overwhelming, they might cause your heart to race, they might make you cry. But when you listen to them and accept them without any judgment, they calm down. They relax and you do, too. And sooner or later, they may even disappear and you're going to be left feeling better and more relaxed than ever. It is such a cool thing when you let those feelings in and when you let them happen, then you realize that they are not as bad as you thought they were. Feelings aren't going to destroy you, although you might feel like they will. But when you let them in, you discover they're not so bad. And the solution to having an uncomfortable feeling isn't to go shopping, or to eat, or to watch six hours of Netflix, or anything like that. And that is the key to understanding why overshopping never solves that problem of those uncomfortable feelings. And in fact, overshopping, or any of these other things that you do, or that people do to distract themselves from those feelings, make the whole situation worse. Because after the Stop Overshopping Page 5 of 13
overshopping, or the overeating, or the Netflix binge, you've got extra clutter, maybe you've got money that you've spent on top of those earlier issues, maybe you didn't do something that you needed to do. So, your problem is even worse than it was before you started. So... Instead of avoiding those feelings, realize that the solution to an uncomfortable feeling is just to allow yourself to experience that feeling. And when it's time, and when you're ready, that feeling will dissipate, and you will feel better. Okay, so now that you've understood feelings and triggers, I have some practical strategies that you can put into place the next time you find yourself in this situation. Okay, so let's say you're out shopping, and you come across something, and you're thinking, oh my gosh, I have to have this, this is amazing. I want you to stop, and you can even keep those questions with you if you want, but just take a look at the questions and see which one would be the question that is most helpful to you, in this kind of a situation. Question number one, do I completely love it? Do I love this thing? And not just because it's a great deal or it's a good price, but do I adore it? Is it the absolute perfect item? Number two, would I pay twice as much to buy it? Or would I pay full price if this is a free item, or almost free? A lot of times when the price goes up on something, it doesn't look nearly as attractive to us, and that tells us, well, hey, I don't really like this item, it's just the price that's enticing me. But at the end of the day, I'm going to be left with the item, and it's probably not something that's actually as good as I'm thinking it is right now. Number three, is this a high quality item? Is this going to last? Is this something that I'm going to enjoy using over time? Stop Overshopping Page 6 of 13
Number four, where will I put it? Do I have room to store it or display it comfortably? If you've got a lot of clothing, and your closet is overstuffed, then realistically, what are you going to do with clothing when you bring it home? It's going to sit on the floor, it's going to sit in a bag, it's going to end up on the chair, and there's nowhere to put it. So, do you really want to bring that home? Number five, what will I do with it? Is this a just-in-case purchase? Or do I already have a use in mind? I see a lot of people asking questions on Facebook, about, you know, should I buy the instant pot? It sounds so amazing, everybody loves theirs, should I just go buy one? Well, no, you shouldn't! You shouldn't buy that until you know what you're going to do with it. So, if you're considering buying an Instapot, find some recipes, see if you actually like those recipes, maybe you already have a Crock-pot and you're perfectly happy with that. Don't just get pulled into buying something because everybody else is doing it, or you think it might come in handy, but you really don't know what you're going to do with it. Number six, do I already have something else that does the same job? Again, with the Crock-pot and the Instapot, they're pretty similar, right? And I don't have an Instapot at this point, and my Crock-pot just does the job for me, and I don't really have the time to invest in learning a new system, and life has gone on pretty well for me up until this point. So, I just don't need another appliance that's going to do a similar kind of job. Number seven, do I have everything else I need in order to use this item? For instance, again, let's say it's a piece of clothing and, does it go with the other things in your wardrobe? Is it going to work like that? Or if it's... If it's another kitchen gadget, do you have recipes to go along with that gadget? Do you have the ingredients? Or is this just going to kinda sit on the shelf and be abandoned once you bring it home? Stop Overshopping Page 7 of 13
Number eight, this is one of my favorites. In a week, how will I feel about this item? Will I still think it's as great as I do now? This question is so good for people who do a lot of impulse buying because the thrill with an impulse buy wears off pretty quick, right? And you probably have experienced that, so. Once you bring it home, and maybe once you put it away, then it's like there's this huge letdown. And the thrill is all in the buying, and the thrill doesn't really have much to do with the item itself, it's all centered around the act of buying, and maybe the act of choosing this out and imagining it. But then, a week later, that thrill is gone, and then you have to buy something else to get that thrill again. So, imagine yourself, a week from now, are you going to feel as happy about this? Or are you going to regret this purchase? Number nine, and here's the kicker, if I knew I couldn't return it, would I still buy it? Do you love it enough to buy it even without the possibility of a return? So, these are all questions, again, they're questions to ask yourself, there's no test on this. But if you are self-aware, and you're really looking to make a change, honest answers to these questions will definitely give you pause and make you think twice. And maybe save you from buying something that you just definitely don't need. Okay, so those were some good questions. Now let's talk about safeguards. So, maybe you're totally onboard, and you don't want to overshop, and you think it sounds fantastic and you're just really gung-ho about it, but you still anticipate a weak moment and you do need to go out, or you are browsing the web. Here are some things that you can do to help yourself in a weak moment so that you don't overspend. Stop Overshopping Page 8 of 13
One thing you can do is you can leave your debit card or your credit card at home, or you can leave it in the car and just take a fixed amount of cash with you into the store. Alright, if you don't have the money, it's going to be pretty much impossible to buy something that you don't need. Another thing you can do is have an accountability partner. Check in with that person before you go shopping. Tell her what items you plan to buy, and how much you're going to spend, and then ask her to text you when you're done, and say, how did it go? And just knowing that that person is going to check up on you, may be enough to keep you from buying something that you don't need. Another really good strategy is to wait 24 hours before buying. And again, most impulse purchases are going to lose their appeal after some time has passed, so, you know, I'm just going to wait. And make it a policy, anything that's not on your list, take a picture of it, and tell yourself, hey, I'll come back tomorrow, or I'll come back next week and if I still want it, it's going to be here. And if it's not here or if I don't want it, then it wasn't for me. Definitely take a photo of something you're considering. We've had people do this before in our Facebook group and maybe you just love looking at that thing, and you can just enjoy and shop in the store, and enjoy all the things in the store, without having to bring them home. And this strategy might work well for you if you just really love shopping. You can just go walk through the store and then come out on the other end without having bought anything, and just really appreciating all the stuff that you took a look at in the store. This next one is challenging, but it's so, so valuable and so worth it. Just shop with a list and stick to it. When you go to Target, have your list, don't get a shopping cart, just have one of the little baskets and put the couple things that you need into that basket, and stick to that list. Stop Overshopping Page 9 of 13
Another thing to do is to look up your credit card balance before you go shopping, that can be painful, right? If you have some credit card debt that you're working on paying off, just remind yourself what that is before you go shopping. And the last tip here is to just stay out of stores that are difficult for you. If Target is your weakness, just don't go to Target. If thrift stores are your weakness, stay away from the thrift stores, don't even drive by them. You might find that it's easier to shop online because it's easier to stick to a list that way, or to grocery shop online. Now, let's talk about binge overshopping. Binging when you're shopping is a little bit like overshopping on steroids, right? It's a little bit like going on an overeating binge. You might find yourself in a store, and all of the sudden, your cart is full and you don't even know what happened, and you're checking out. It's like being on a runaway train that you feel you have no power to stop. But, here's the thing. This is good news. There is a moment during, or before, every shopping binge, or every overeating binge, where you decide to go for it. Maybe you've told yourself, it doesn't matter. Or, I can't stop, or, it's just one more time, or, I really just have to have this. But there's definitely a conscious decision, even if you made it like in the blink-of-an-eye at light speed. So, if binge overshopping is a problem for you, it's critical to notice that decision point and treat it as a really big, red stop sign. Because that is the point where you can step on the brakes and stop the train. Once you start and once you've made the decision, it's very, very hard to stop. But if you can stop things before, and if you can recognize and notice that point where you decided, hey, I'm going for it? Then you can do something about it. And it's so important to do the other work that we've already talked about beforehand, so you're able to think more clearly and Stop Overshopping Page 10 of 13
make some new decisions when you do come to this decision point, and you're faced with, you know, do I keep going or do I stop and turn around? Now that we've talked about some of these in-the-moment things that you can do, let's talk about some more longterm ways that you can redirect yourself from overshopping. One thing you can do is to set a financial goal. So, if you've found that you spent a lot of money, either on big things or even on little things over time, those little things can add up. And as we see over and over again in our Facebook group, the little actions that we take, add up in a big way over time. And little purchases can add up, you know, even five or 10 dollars here and there, can add up in a big way over time. So, if you set a financial goal, then you will be more likely to stick to it and to not indulge in the overshopping if you've got this goal to look forward to. So, maybe you want to pay off a certain amount of debt, maybe you want to pay off your mortgage, maybe you're saving up for vacation, or maybe even want to go buy something that's really special, some kind of article of clothing that's really high-quality, or a new phone, or something like that. When you have that kind of a goal, it's going to help you ring yourself in, when you're tempted to overshop, and just put that money towards your goal instead. And you want to keep track of your progress, so you have that as a motivation and a reward for making good choices. The second thing you can do is to keep a journal. Write down your thoughts and your feelings every time you resist overspending, and also when you don't resist it. Write down what happened, how you felt, whether you regretted it later, and then go back through and read through your journal entries over time. And you'll see, you'll start to notice patterns and then you'll be able to do something about them. Stop Overshopping Page 11 of 13
Number three, practice self-talk, positive self-talk. If you've been decluttering, you want to remind yourself you don't want all that hard work to go to waste. You can say things like, I feel like I want this now, but I'm going to regret it later. You can say, the little kid in me is dying to have this, but I'm going to be an adult and say no. You can talk to yourself out loud like I do, or do it in your head if you don't want your family to think that you're weird. Number four, make some rules for yourself. So, for example, if you are a crafter, and you're prone to buying too many craft supplies, decide that you're only going to buy new supplies if you have a project in mind, and if you've set aside the time to do that project, right? These are hard choices, again, to make. This is requiring some brutal honesty, but, a lot of crafters find themselves in the situation where they just find all this cute stuff, and they think, oh, I could do something with that. And then that something never happens, so, require yourself to have a project in mind, and the time set aside for it, before you do buy those supplies. Or if you wanted to, you could make a rule that you have to give away any unused supplies for the last project you started before you can buy anything new. And you may not want to give anything away. So, that will force you to make a decision, do I want to keep adding to this stash and letting things pile up and up and up? Or do I want to keep making progress on my decluttering work and not add things to the stash until I've used them up? You can have a family member keep you accountable to these self-imposed rules. You can write them down in your journal and they can be really helpful in keeping you from spending too much. This last tip is... Is one that's really, really close to my heart and this is just to be true to yourself. Okay, when we overshop, we're doing something that's a little bit like cheating on ourselves. And most people would never dream of lying to their spouse or cheating on their spouse, or lying to their child, but they're really much more willing to go against their word Stop Overshopping Page 12 of 13
to themselves. And we need to treat ourselves as well as we would treat other people. And so, just realize when you're tempted to ignore your budget, or you're tempted to buy something that you don't need and you've already decided you don't want to buy, remind yourself that this is like cheating on yourself and you deserve better than that, because you do. You completely deserve the best treatment that you can give yourself. And when you do, you're going to feel so much better about yourself than if you just give in to that urge to overshop. Okay, so in summary, you're going to want to manage your brain, or it's going to be that out-of-control toddler. You want to identify your triggers, and those things that make you have this urge to overshop. You want to be willing to feel those uncomfortable feelings when they crop up. You're going to ask yourself questions before buying. You're going to implement safeguards to help you stay on track. You're going to notice the decision point that happens before you binge shop, because it is there. And you're going to work to employ some longterm strategies to prevent overshopping. I hope this has been helpful for you, I would love, love, love to hear your thoughts on this topic, and which of these ideas you feel is going to help you most. I'll talk to you soon. Stop Overshopping Page 13 of 13