Would it be valuable for you to know the antidote to worry? Would your job as a therapist be easier if you did? Would your clients lives be better if they did?
H AV E FA I T H I N YO U R S E L F AND YOUR CLIENTS Have you ever had an experience where someone told you they did not believe you had what it takes to: Succeed in a job, be in a relationship, perform a certain task, or learn to be a competent psychotherapist? It s a pretty withering experience. Let s turn the spotlight away from your clients and toward you as a therapist. Do you have faith in your ability to be a competent and confident therapist? I hope you do. Sometimes, during a session, you may be amazed such awful things could happen to your clients and that they could have the strength to survive and seek help. Along the way, as I listened to countless stories, I would sometimes come across a person whose story was truly overwhelming, where lives were changed, hopes were shattered and worlds were crushed. I would be amazed that anyone could survive such hardships and heartaches. But there they were in front of me, telling me about it. I used to think How have they been able to cope? I remember, in particular, a remarkable 17-year-old girl. She came in due to the collapse of her parents marriage. By all accounts, it was Although unpleasant, I invite you to remember that experience. Remember, right now, what it felt like. Where do you register this experience in your body? Perhaps you noticed a sinking feeling in your chest? A weight on your shoulders? Maybe you noticed how gloomy your thoughts had become? Remember what it was like when that other person did not have faith in you. Give yourself a few minutes to feel this experience. Now I would like you to imagine what it would be like for your clients if they believed you did not have faith in them. Imagine what it would be like for your clients if they thought their therapist believed they didn t have what it takes to: succeed in a job, be in a relationship or make the changes they want to see. What do you notice? How do your thoughts and feelings change when you imagine what it would be like for your clients to believe you do not have faith in their ability to solve their problems? Again, give yourself a few minutes to explore your feelings in this experience. a brutal ending. Her folks were vicious with each other, seemingly locked into a painful game of cat and mouse, like a sociopathic Tom and Jerry routine. She took on a few part-time jobs, kept her grades at a respectable level, maintained a supportive social life, kept herself out of alcohol and drugs, and in the end said how grateful she was that she was having these horrible experiences. She commented how it was just these lessons that would make her stronger and 61
SECRETS O F A PSYCHOTHERAPIST more capable as an adult. I was stunned. I had heard these types of comments from adults, but never from a teenager. I was impressed and inspired by her outlook, maturity and willingness to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when it looked like it was going from bad to worse. Despite her current hardships, she had faith in herself. Even though her path was not always clear, she had faith in her innate ability to survive and learn from her current situation. This was not a kid that needed fixing (as if this is what s supposed to happen in therapy anyway). All she needed was a place to tell someone about her difficult situation. She would drop in every few months, get it off her chest, know what her next steps were, then cinch her belt as she walked out the door. I learned a lot from her. In my own life, I had an opportunity to use this lesson. My father died a few years ago after a short illness. Just as I thought I was getting over that loss, my mother got very sick and died rather quickly. Their deaths were only a year and a half apart. Between these two deaths, my wife s brother was found dead under suspicious circumstances where foul play was considered. She was devastated. He was 47. Additionally, I had worries about the security of my job. For months, no one knew if our office would stay open. On many accounts, my world had been turned upside down. My parents were dead. My brother-in-law was dead. My own brother and I had to close up and sell the family home of 45 years, leaving the neighbors we grew up with. Work was uncertain and if that collapsed, so would our finances. I likened this experience to a cup that was simply being over-filled with water. At some point, the water (or stress) was too much and it just spilled over the sides of the glass. But the water kept coming. I had no more of a grand plan than to simply put one foot in front of the other. I focused on what I needed to do every day. I really didn t have the stamina or psychic energy to focus on anything more. I kept my pace slow, and as the days, weeks and months, eventually strung together, I found myself beginning to come out the other end. I had no idea where I would end up, but seeing the abilities of my clients and hearing the stories of how they survived, I figured I d make it through. I, too, would live to tell my story another day. I had faith that I would survive my current hardships. I had faith (but no proof) that, no matter what, my family and I would find our way. This lesson is about having faith. This lesson is about the therapist having faith that her clients have all the skills needed to survive, even if they are not sure they can do it. I have found it helpful to notice out loud that my clients are surviving. Are they bruised? Maybe. Broken? Hopefully not. But, they are there in front of me, telling me about it, so they must be doing something right. Whatever that something is, it is helpful for them to know their therapist believes in them and that they will make it and they are already surviving. It is helpful for the client to know they have the skills needed to Make it from here to there, as my father 62
Have Faith in Yourself and Your Clients used to say. They have the skills to get there, even if getting there is nothing more elegant than simply putting one foot in front of the other. Of course, the exception to this is if you are concerned about a client s ability to maintain their own safety in which case you are compelled to conduct a safety assessment. In these situations, I always suggest you get consultation and fulfill your legal and ethical responsibilities. Providing you another example of a client s resilience, I am reminded of one woman who came in because of problems she was having at work. She was being threatened by her employer that if she took anymore time off work, she would face disciplinary action. She was frustrated and angry. As she continued to tell her story, she related a horrific blend of circumstances. Recently, she had been off work due to a car accident in which she broke a few ribs. Her 21-year-old son had cerebral palsy leaving him the abilities of a six-year-old. Her 19-year-old daughter, recently diagnosed as bipolar, had just made a suicide attempt. Her daughter had a long history of alcohol and drugs, but was now four months sober. In her abstinence and beginning sobriety, she was coming to terms with being raped while under the influence of drugs. My client was also bipolar and diabetic. She was a single parent. She had limited family support. She had been retrained under the Americans With Disabilities Act due to carpal tunnel and loved her current job as a lab technician. Due to the recent troubles with her daughter and chronic nature of her son s disability, she recently had taken multiple days off work. She was convinced that her employer was tired of dealing with her various family emergencies and was trying to get her fired. She was probably right. But here she was living to tell the story. Her story sounded tragic, overwhelming and nearly critical. But she was not. She was grounded, focused and proactively trying to deal with all the plates she had spinning. She was doing so many things right: trying to get home support services for her son and aid her daughter s recovery while, at the same time, setting limits on her inappropriate adolescent power struggles. She was actively working with her worker s union, addressing the misapplication of her employer s policies on the use of sick time. She was working with her own MD to stabilize her manic depression and diabetes. She was reaching out to family members for support. She poignantly told me that she would love to take a class for herself, but even if she couldn t do it right now, at least she could dream about her future class time. Despite all her stressors, she was surviving. When I gave her my feedback, I told her that her situation was complex and difficult. But, even with so much on her plate, I was impressed with how well she was doing. Many people could be waylaid with any one of her concerns, but not her! She was slowly and pointedly addressing all the areas in which she was affected. I complimented her on her abilities to cope. I told her I had faith in her; that even with such an avalanche of problems, I believed she would continue to survive and one day be able to take her desired class. Her response surprised me. Thank you! she said. I m trying so hard and 63
SECRETS O F A PSYCHOTHERAPIST people don t often see that. Your belief that I can make my way through all this really helps my self-esteem. It is my sincere hope that you have faith in your ability to become the type of therapist you know you can be. It is my hope that despite any hardships, or perceived setbacks, that you ultimately have faith that you will reach your goal. Believe that your supervisor, your agency, even your clients are all helping you gain skill and competence. I encourage you to be steadfast in the belief that you will reach your goal. You don t have to know all the future steps you will need to take to become a confident, resilient and respectful therapist. It is impossible for anyone to know what the future holds. All you need to know is that the next few steps will be there when you need to take them. Have faith that the next steps will be revealed to you on your path and you will certainly find your destination. You will and are, right now, becoming the therapist you know you can be. 64