From I have the Utmost Respect for my Opponent (who happens to be a Godless Radical Marxist sure to destroy America), by Don Zolidis
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- Carmella Wheeler
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1 , 40ish, campaign manager, 40ish, a candidate for city council We ve got him by the balls. Literally. What? I happen to have here Jack Whitby s home laptop. (He produces the laptop.) Ta-da. How did you get that? Um his house was undefended. A couple of guys I know happened to be mowing his lawn. They happened to realize that his house didn t prevent burglaries. And ta-da. You stole it? I didn t steal it! Someone took it and then I gave them money for it. Here we have the smoking gun. You know what his password is? Password. Real original, right? That s my password too. Me too, but it s probably a bad idea. Look, if he didn t want his laptop taken he should ve made more of an effort to keep people from breaking into his house. I don t think we should be stealing his computer. You should ve thought of that before we stole it. I just assumed, since you conveniently hadn t mentioned that you didn t want us to break into his house and steal his computer, that you had given us the implicit go ahead.
2 I don t like this at all. That s all right. I like it for both of us. So here s what we do we go through his computer, reconstitute his browsing history, check out his online porn habits, and then launch attack ads after that. How do you know he has online porn habits? That s a joke, right? Then we scour his records to see if he s been in any chat rooms, sending pictures over twitter, sexually harassing interns, that sort of thing. I don t know about this. Maggie you have to think of the voting public as a bunch of horny fourteen year old boys. Policy stuff, that s confusing, `I have to pay attention and understand what s going on! My brain hurts! It s like homework. But a good sex scandal? That s candy. Everyone pays attention as soon as a penis comes out. This will be like my Mona Lisa. No. I m sorry, what? I don t think we should do that. You were fine with us inventing conspiracy theories and making up cancer kid statistics but now you have a problem? I feel like this is going to destroy him personally. Of course it is! That s the only way you win.
3 It feels over the line to me. Line? This is a concept I don t understand. There s a line? Yes there s a line. And he didn t cross that line when he called you a slut? When he said Destiny was going to be a stripper? When he claimed you were going to forcefully abort babies? That wasn t over the line? Those things were pretty despicable but And none of those things were actually true! Personally, I was hoping on the slut thing because I ve been kind of lonely and desperate lately, you know, and we ve been spending a lot of time together I figured late at night, we d be celebrating something with a little bubbly, things would get a little hot, maybe your blouse would slip off Oh my God! But I didn t act on it! I was just fantasizing! Just to clarify are you saying that s never going to happen? That s never going to happen. Damn it! But he s free to lie about anything personal about you and you re not free to tell the truth about him, is that it? It s a felony to steal his computer You have been given a nuclear option. All you have to do is use it. One video detailing his time on a few S&M chat rooms, and it s over. In the final analysis, is it going to matter who played by the rules and who didn t? Or are we just going to see the score? (Pause.)
4 You re fired. I m sorry, what? You re fired. I m dropping out of the race. Are you kidding me? I m not doing this. I m dropping out of the race. You re fired. No. You are fired. You can fire me, but you can t fire Progress Breckenridge. And you re already on the ballot. You re going to win this election. You are Progress Breckenridge. No. Progress Breckenridge is a non-partisan political action committee that is unaffiliated with your campaign. We re not legally allowed to coordinate. Well, your candidate isn t running for president anymore, so coordinate that. I disagree. You are running. Good luck with that.
5 You think Progress Breckenridge needs you to do anything? You think anyone s going to vote for you because of your sparkling personality or your oh-so-awesome after-school program for disadvantaged youth? Nobody cares about that, Maggie. They care about flash. And we re going to steamroll Jack Whitby and you re going to win, whether you like it or not. So go ahead and quit. And remember who won this election. If you use that computer at all I will go straight to the police. You don t tell me what to do. That would be coordination. We ll both go to prison for that one, sweetheart. (to read the rest of this play, contact me at donzolidis@yahoo.com)
From Miles and Ellie, by Don Zolidis
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