Why would I even want to contact you now? According to you, I have had plenty of time to process what happened between us.

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Russell Payne
5 years ago
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1 I am sorry that I must still write. With each day that passes, I realize how completely different we are when it comes to relationships, what we want from them, what we are able to put into them and most importantly why we have them. It s the reason I write, it s the reason you detest hearing from me. And I m sure you hate hearing from me. After all, you have been firmly settled into a new relationship for all of 2017 now. The life is comfortable, including a BMW, a trailer, and a boat. I could never give you these things. If that s what you need, I was never your guy in the first place. Why would I even want to contact you now? According to you, I have had plenty of time to process what happened between us. What we had was special, never to happen again. The only person who knows if your Blue Heron life approaches the level of happiness we had in PAG, is you. I would like to think that you aren t over there because of the BMW and other toys. We brought out the BEST in each other. We both know that when we were together we blossomed into our true selves. We did complete each other. Don t lie to yourself Kathy. You know this is true. You would have us believe that in 4 months you found another person who completed you also? Please. There is no way. You had to give up a lot to get the partner. It certainly appears you are embracing old age and a premature entry into senior citizenship. That just astounds me. (I wonder how many times both of you have had to bite your tongues over there, when watching political TV. You NEVER had to bite your tongue with me). I write because I still don t know who you are and what you represent. The amount of compromise that you have had to make just to live with a guy sickens me. The speed with which you entered into another relationship makes me think that I THREW AWAY MANY YEARS OF MY LIFE ON A WOMAN WHO CAN CHANGE LIKE THE WIND IN ORDER TO HAVE A MAN AROUND. This makes me quite resentful. If you are truly living the lifestyle that defines who you are, then we surely pissed away valuable years off our lives over at that beach. The beach isn t you anymore. I wonder if it was when we were together. All of this adds up to a large amount of resentment towards you. Not anger. I still get sad. But I m trying to manage my resentment. I don t consider what we had to be a mere chapter in a book of life. I do believe you look at men as chapters. I m convinced that you aren t able to understand the value of having only one partner for life. It s too easy for you to close one and open the next one instantly. You brought me in to your life before you were even divorced, and due to my selfishness, I became another chapter. Now you are on to another. If he drops dead on you, I m convinced you ll attempt to write another chapter on top of all of the others. We had history Kathy. Years of it. And it doesn t matter how good you are at pushing it out of your mind, we had history. One would think that all that history would at least deserve enough respect for you to read this. Infidelity can kill a relationship. But the difference between what we had and what everybody else does, is that everyone else is able to examine the relationship. The relationship may die in the end, but you never examined anything. You killed it the day you learned what I did. A lot of thinking has been put into your reaction. I believe that some off-shoot form of anger determined everything you did.

2 Anger is a natural emotion when one is betrayed. But it s always a temporary emotion. It s hard to sustain. Not only were you able to sustain it, but your anger now has morphed into a level of toxic venom that pops out of you the second I cross your mind. Those little texts we shared in September, where you claimed that I forced you out of your house reflect the role that venom plays in your head. People screw things up all the time. There is a process for a couple if they want to participate. On my end the process included taking ownership, remorse, apology, and the commitment to change the way I was living my life (meaning, no more travel). On your side, it would have started with listening. That s something you aren t good at. It never happened. I am sorry about the toxic things I wrote. I read those s now and I don t even know the guy who wrote them. It s not me. The great years we had together were me. You have shown an amazing ability to simply ignore the evidence of all those great years. You have painted me black, and you have painted our great times black as well. You washed it off your hands and walked away. Every morning I wake up and you are instantly on my mind. Mornings are difficult for me. I remember all of it. It was great. Once you told me you thought it was beautiful, that you were the happiest you had ever been. Who knows what you would say now. You ve never accepted any apologies from me. That s just you. You aren t interested in what it s like for me, but I live with crushing guilt. I doubt you ve ever experienced anything like that. But I do know that to you, apologies, remorse, and sorrow have no meaning. At some point during the later morning, I force myself to remember some things that aren t so pleasant. Again, I have to MAKE MYSELF think about these things. This doesn t come naturally. And every one of these things is absolutely true about you. You texted that I should focus on myself and not worry about why you do the things you do. I have focused on myself. But I ve learned that I must accept that the whole time we were together, there was something inside you that wasn t all that visible. That something is insecurity. Your insecurity completely contradicts the external person, full of zeal and passion. Inside is a little girl. It s a demon you ve had your entire life. You are aware of it. You have chosen to let it control you. You don t control it. And until I can accept that I never knew you, I m going to continue to struggle. You say I blame you for my infidelity. I ve never done that. But I do blame you for allowing your insecurities about men to run your life. I ve never controlled your life. It doesn t look like you do either. But that thing lurking inside of you does. I have learned more about you since the first of May than I ever knew in 6 years of living with you and another year of living with you on Gandy. You contacted me on Match before you were divorced. That didn t bother me. Now it s one big symptom of something else. I m not used to relationship turnovers like you are. I was married to one person for 37 years. The divorce was not easy for me, and I was still screwed up by it when I met you. Like most couples you and I had ups and downs. I wasn t managing my finances well. That embarrassed me, made me ashamed. You opened up my mail. Not even my ex wife did that. I m not sure that s what most people would have done. I was too ashamed to tell you the truth. Instead of telling me to take a deep breath and attempting to help me with my finances, you told

3 me you had put your profile back up on Match and I had to leave Gandy. This is probably the first red flag that I chose to ignore. The biggest red flags were the divorces. I m not rehashing that. The divorces reveal a pattern of leaving relationships rather than working on them. I m not trying to hit you below the belt with this. But these are facts. You move on to the next guy before the ink is dry. The divorces scared me, but I loved living with you too much to get out. More patterns became evident. You worked at Shriners. Every day you came home upset. I understand that you have zeal and passion. But you just walked out of that job. I have no idea if you even gave them notice. You weren t there long. I was there for you, I listened to you tell me that you were surrounded by dumbasses there. Maybe you were. But I started wondering if you could ever get along with anybody. Jay. When I first met you it appeared you were close. When you moved to PAG she was a frequent visitor. You hated her kids with venom. Then you started disliking her. You only crossed paths with her under family situations that required it. I ve always known you were a different girl. I really didn t care if you got along with anybody or not. I was like you in that I didn t require a lot of friends. You had some girlfriends when you lived in Gandy. But that all ended. I didn t care. But it appeared that it was easy for you to walk away from relationships, jobs, and any acquaintances. I also noticed that it was hard for you to forgive people. You seemed to have a scorched earth policy if anyone crossed you. It didn t seem to matter if it was relationships, friendships, jobs, if you didn t like what you saw, you walked. Infidelity can end relationships. Most survive. All of them involve dialog. For months I begged for the dialog and never got it. It made me crazy trying to figure out why you never wanted to get to the bottom of what happened, and why did I do it. Now it s obvious. Walking away from people who upset you is the way you cope with them. Your quick return to Match hurt me horribly. My reaction was unacceptable. Reading your s wasn t right either. But I would have never known what I know about you now had I not done this. Reading your own words to guys like Sandy Crump left me speechless and dumbfounded. I realized that I really didn t know you. I realized that inside you was something that had lain dormant during our years together. But it survived our time together and burst out. You throw yourself at men, it s like you panic if you don t have male attention. I never knew this until I read your own words. Then you moved in with a guy within mere months of the ending of a long relationship. To your family, your friends, and your circle, this is known as a rebound relationship. Please don t think people are dumb. They see it, they have seen it before. They know it could happen again. Whatever monster lives inside of you is in full throttle now. And it s hard to take. Your confidence, your zeal and passions mask someone with severe security issues. And this is the biggest problem for me now. Accepting the fact that the inner person is so different from the bravado driven woman I loved so much.

4 The only person who knows how happy you are now is you. The only person who knows how much of your interests you have had to sacrifice now is you. The facts are mind blowing to me. You live in a house that was decorated by another woman. It just screams old age from the outside, with things sitting in the windows. You are with a man who never had children. I can t imagine what that s like. A man who only had one relationship his entire life. A guy whose social media pages show him as a Republican and a gun owner. A guy who is closer to 70 than 65. You have no interest in the beach, the music, and the lifestyle you lived for so many years. You have given all of these things up, and hastily sought security from the first nice person you met. And this isn t the first time you did it, but it s certainly the most extreme episode. To those on the outside it looks almost like desperation. But you will sell him to your family because he is a nice guy and totally the opposite of the cheating, lying, Jerry. Whether you love him or not is insignificant. And you are surely blind if you think he is going to love you the way he loved Rosemary. She has you outnumbered in years; 40 plus to 10 months. He s lonely. You are too blind to even see it. Next is your anger. I never saw that in you for years. Now your anger and animosity towards me is astounding. You do hate me Kathy. Nobody can sustain this emotion as long as you have. I realize I hurt you. I realize that anger is a natural response. But it is always a temporary response. I never hear from you. But those short texts we had in September were saturated with venom and worse, prejudice. You are going to brand me for life anyway you want to. To you I will always be a liar and a cheater. Yet the overwhelming evidence, for many years, was that I was neither. Apparently, at least in my case, anger, venom, and outright hatred, coupled with extreme prejudice, represent the way you cope with a problem in a relationship. I never saw the permanent, toxic level of anger in you before. Perhaps I should not have had you notified of my hospitalization. But the prejudice that s inside you meant that you never once asked Jennifer or Susan if I was ok. Susan said she told you I was ok. That just meant I was alive. You never once asked about the extent of my injuries. As you read this letter you still don t know if I ve suffered permanent nerve damage. All your energy went into an attempt to see if I was lying. You simply don t care what the outcome was, and until we run into each other somewhere again, you simply won t know. I do believe your lack of empathy towards me, and what happened to me is the result of the hatred and animosity that you have for me. All that animosity is probably another method you ve had of coping with relationship issues. I am dumbfounded by the life you seem to lead now. You still have your parents, your kids and grandkids. But I m not sure how you spend your time now. I just know it doesn t include the things we enjoyed so much. Your partner looks like walking death, with one foot in the casket already. Does he deliver the energy you need, the intelligence, the humor? Recently I sent you a text and asked if he sang to you. We both know the answer is no. It upsets me to know you have redefined your life just to feed the security demon, but I have to accept that. I don t take any pleasure in writing a letter like this. I don t feel like it helps anything. I do know that I know you better than any man has ever known you. I know what makes you tick. You can be as angry as you like, call the police, lawyers, everybody. But I m the only guy you will ever meet who accepts you for the person you really are. I understand what s rumbling inside you, wanting to be fed. You have lived an entire adult life which masks what s inside. I take no pride in saying I figured it out. So, it was just easier for you live the senior life without attempting to examine what we had and accept that we did complete each other. It would have taken work. I would have done it. You can t let your

5 heart lead your soul. It s never happened. I never knew that until we broke up. I don t even know if there s a heart inside of you. You changed. You never helped Hillary probably because you disliked somebody in the local organization. It is important to me to understand who you are, why you were able to get involved again so quickly, and why you never wanted any dialog. That s why you are getting this letter Kathy. And NONE of this was clarified for me during the winter. But as soon as I heard about Blue Heron, a lot of questions were answered, when I paired what I learned with what I had observed while living with you. So it s easy for you to waltz away from what we had like it never happened. It s easy for you to live as itf we never knew each other. We did know each other and It did happen Kathy. It is hard to be in love with a chameleon. But I did love you. I made a stupid ego driven mistake. I have beaten myself up for that mistake. I would have been better off if I had never met you. I would not have wasted 8 years of my life. I would be happier than I am now. I m tired of beating myself up. You are a difficult woman to care for. You have proven how easy it is for you to detest me. It s easy. I don t detest you. I wake up every day and have to accept some unpleasant facts about you. But it s not easy to accept these things.

The Stop Worrying Today Course. Week 5: The Paralyzing Worry of What Others May Think or Say

The Stop Worrying Today Course Week 5: The Paralyzing Worry of What Others May Think or Say Copyright Henrik Edberg, 2016. You do not have the right to sell, share or claim the ownership of the content