2016 Carey Nieuwhof. Carey Nieuwhof Communications Ltd. The rethink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

Transcription

1 CAREY NIEUWHOF

2 CAREY NIEUWHOF

3 High Impact Leader Published by Orange a division of The rethink Group, Inc Charlotte Lane, Suite 300 Cumming, GA U.S.A. The Orange logo is a registered trademark of The rethink Group, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form without written permission from the publisher. Other Orange products are available online and direct from the publisher. Visit our website at for more resources like these. ISBN: Carey Nieuwhof. Carey Nieuwhof Communications Ltd. The rethink Group, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America First Edition /23/2016

4 SESSION 9 no LEARN HOW TO SAY NO, NICELY Saying yes to something good now will lead to saying no to something great later.

5 SESSION SUMMARY As we move into these last two sessions together, I want to tell you how glad I am that you ve stuck it out and put in the work. I believe that when all is said and done, you ll walk away with a significant return on the investment you ve made and that your impact as a leader will be multiplied. Looking back to the last session, we talked about creating and keeping a fixed calendar. And while a fixed calendar is great, you probably thought, That s fine in theory, but people are always going to want far more out of me than is on my fixed calendar. And you re right. That s why you need to become an expert in mastering how to say no, nicely. The key word there is nicely. That s so important because even when you re saying no, you don t want to burn bridges. Steve Jobs famously said that innovation is saying no to 1,000 things. I couldn t agree more. As a fellow leader, I want to see you innovate. I want to see you become the best at what you do at work and at home. But innovation takes time and focus. It takes your best energy the kind of energy that only comes after you ve said no to 1,000 other things. That s why it s imperative as a leader that you learn to say it. Most people aren t very good at saying no. I m not much of a people pleaser, but I still don t want people to feel upset with me. However, I realized long ago that can t be my sole motivation for saying yes. Pleasing people is not enough of a reason to give my time and energy to something that isn t honestly a priority. Want some motivation for saying no, nicely? Just remember this: saying yes to something good now will lead to saying no to something great later. Saying yes to a late meeting might be good, but you re saying no to your family time after work in response. Saying yes to a meeting over coffee with someone you don t necessarily need to meet with means saying no to time for your writing or sermon prep. Saying yes to hanging out with a friend you really don t know that well might mean missing your daughter s soccer game, which somehow got scheduled for the same time as your coffee with that friend. No matter what you re saying yes to, you have to remember that in exchange you re saying no to something else. And that something else shouldn t be 53

6 one of your priorities. Saying no nicely is all about the approach. A firm no is still a firm no, but how you say it matters so much. Here are some key strategies that will help you say no, nicely: 1. Tell them you d love to meet with them. That s probably the truth. In a perfect world, you probably would love to meet with them. And that s a great, honest place to start. So start there, but don t stop there. Keep moving through the next steps. 2. Affirm their intention. They re good people who want to meet with you, and that s not a bad thing. Start your response with the positive and tell them you re grateful they want to meet. 3. Express empathy. Empathy diffuses tension. Let them know you understand where they re coming from. You re on their side and want to be helpful even if you can t meet with them. 4. Redirect them. Maybe you can t help them, but someone else might be able to. I take this approach all the time with people in our church (there are 2500 people who call our church home, so meeting with everyone is literally impossible). I can t personally meet with them, but that s why we ve set up staff and small group leaders who can. Redirecting helps structure the problem and gets them an answer outside of yourself. 5. Be firm. Even with kindness, make sure your answer is clear and direct. Let them know that as much as you d love to meet, you simply can t. I have to do this all the time with leaders who want to meet one on one with me or have me mentor them. I explain I d like to but that s why I write books, speak, blog and host a podcast. I get to mentor many through those channels. I keep a few slots open for one on one meetings, but with the sheer number of readers and listeners, I just can t say yes all the time. In fact, if I said yes more often, I wouldn t be able to write books, blog, speak or podcast. (Or stay married for that matter.) None of us can do it all. And remember that you can t serve the ones you ve said yes to if you re serving 54

7 everyone else alongside them. 6. Thank them. Deny the request, but honor the relationship. Let them know how much you appreciate them simply for asking and how grateful you are for them. be respected and valued while making others feel the same way. RETHINK THIS: Saying yes to something good now is going to lead you to say no to something great later. I know this is tough stuff. It s hard. But you know what I ve found to be true? People understand. In fact, they ll respect you for saying no, nicely. In a strange way, it also increases your value (scarcity creates value). If you master the art of saying no in a really nice way, you can 55

8 EXERCISE 9 1. Write some pre-thought out responses for declining invitations. You can pull these out for regular use in conversation or when getting back to people by text or . To practice, write down some options below POTENTIAL RESPONSES FOR DECLINING INVITATIONS Do some role play with a friend or colleague, so you re ready when the request comes in person. 56