Improving a Paragraph. Day 1 - If you could be any super hero, who would you be? Day 2 - Which chore do you dislike doing the most?
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1 Day 1 - If you could be any super hero, who would you be? I would be superman! Superman is able to fly and he has super strength and he has freeze breathe and he has heat vision! With all of those powers I could do anything I wanted! But I would spend most of my time flying around stopping criminals and maybe I d go on a site seeing. Being superman for a day would be amazing! Suggestions: Avoid redundancy, Reiterate question, spelling, punctuation (proper name) Day 2 - Which chore do you dislike doing the most? I hate mowing the lawn! At my house we have a chore wheel and it seems like every week I get stuck mowing the lawn, while my brother Sam only has to take out the garbage which wouldn t be so bad except our yard is super large so I end up spending over an hour in the hot sun! Still I guess it s better than cleaning the litter box! Suggestions: Reiterate, separate sentences 1
2 Day 3 - Would you rather be 10 feet tall or 1 foot tall? I would rather be really big! If I were really small someone could step on me or I could be attacked by normal sized animals! If I were big I could do all kinds of things a whole lot easier! Like getting on the roof of my house or playing basketball! Of course I d have to buy all new clothes, but being that tall would definitely be worth it! Suggestions: Reiterate, adding detail, adding examples Day 4 - The largest omelette. Have you ever woked up and wanted an omelette? Well if you were in Turkey on World Egg Day you would have more than you could stomach. That s because chefs cooked an omlet weighing 2,000 pounds! WOW! They created it to break the world record! An omlette the size of a garage? Wow what a sight to see! Suggestions: Reiterate, tying thoughts together, adding examples 2
3 Day 5 Improving a Paragraph If you could be any super hero, who would you be? Which chore do you dislike doing the most? Would you rather be 10 feet tall or 1 foot tall? Choose one of the responses above and write your own paragraph answering the question. 3
4 Example Day 1 - If you could be any super hero, who would you be? I would be superman! Superman is able to fly and he has super strength and he has freeze breathe and he has heat vision! With all of those powers I could do anything I wanted! But I would spend most of my time flying around stopping criminals and maybe I d go on a site seeing. Being superman for a day would be amazing! Suggestions: Avoid redundancy, Reiterate question, spelling, punctuation (proper name) If I could be any super hero I d definitely choose Superman. With all the powers he has such as super strength, flying and heat vision I could do almost anything I wanted! But, I d probably spend most of my time like Superman does, flying around catching bad guys. Of course I d have to go site seeing too. Imagine seeing the Statue of Liberty up close or soaring over the great pyramids. Just thinking about all the possibilities makes me wish I could be Superman for a day! Day 2 - Which chore do you dislike doing the most? I hate mowing the lawn! At my house we have a chore wheel and it seems like every week I get stuck mowing the lawn, while my brother Sam only has to take out the garbage which wouldn t be so bad except our yard is super large so I end up spending over an hour in the hot sun! Still I guess it s better than cleaning the litter box! Suggestions: Reiterate, separate sentences, The chore I hate doing the most is mowing our lawn! Every week my brother and I spin our chore wheel and it seems like every week I m stuck mowing the lawn while my brother gets to do something simple. The worst part about mowing our lawn though is how large it is. Every Saturday I end up spending over an hour in the hot sun pushing around a heavy, noisy, dirty contraption while my brother gets to stay inside the air conditioned house washing dishes. Still, I guess it beats cleaning out Mr. Meow s litter box. 1
5 Example Day 3 - Would you rather be 10 feet tall or 1 foot tall? I would rather be really big! If I were really small someone could step on me or I could be attacked by normal sized animals! If I were big I could do all kinds of things a whole lot easier! Like getting on the roof of my house or playing basketball! Of course I d have to buy all new clothes, but being that tall would definitely be worth it! Suggestions: Reiterate, adding detail, adding examples If I had to be either really small or really tall I d definitely choose to be tall! I mean if I were small any normal sized cat would like a lion! Yikes! Plus being that tall would have all sorts of advantages. I could climb up on the roof of my house no problem or become a star basketball player. Heck, I wouldn t even have to move away from the hoop I could just wait for someone to throw me the ball! Of course if I were that tall, I d have to buy all new clothes, but it would be worth it. Day 4 - The largest omelette. Have you ever woked up and wanted an omelette? Well if you were in Turkey on World Egg Day you would have more than you could stomach. That s because chefs cooked an omlet weighing 2,000 pounds! WOW! They created it to break the world record! An omlette the size of a garage? Wow what a sight to see! Suggestions: Tying thoughts together, exaggerated details Have you ever woken up and wanted an omelette? Well if you woke up in Turkey on World Egg Day you d have more than you could stomach. That s because chefs got together to cook an omelette weighing 2,00 pounds! Wow! But they weren t trying to feed Paul Bunyan, they were just trying to break a world record. But waking up to an omelette the size of a garage? What a sight that must have been! 2
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