Living Deeply & Truly with Self-Compassion Kathleen Cator. ANZACBS Conference RMIT Melbourne November 5-9 November 2016

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1 Living Deeply & Truly with Self-Compassion Kathleen Cator ANZACBS Conference RMIT Melbourne November 5-9 November 2016 A moment of self-compassion can change your day. A string of such moments can change your life Chris Germer Co-founder the Mindful Self-Compassion Program

2 Introductions What do you love? Exercise: How do I treat a Friend? Kristin Neff s model of Self-compassion Three core components as: 1. Self-kindness rather than self-criticism self-judgement 2. Common Humanity rather than feeling separate and isolated 3. Mindfulness rather than being on autopilot, over identification Self-compassion = loving (connected) presence Know when you re suffering (mindfulness) & respond with kindness (compassion). Exercise: Exploring personal barriers and fears about self-compassion Physiology of self-criticism and self-compassion Our culture is based on the drive system and our brain is hard wired to default to the threat system. Research shows that we can make changes to bring about a greater state of ease, balance and well-being by consciously practicing activating the contentment / calming system. Working at building new hardware in our brain, something now referred to as: experiential neuroplasticity. Slow down; be gentle and kind to the old brain. - Paul Gilbert In an evolutionary context, we didn t chose or design our brain that generates; thoughts, feelings and reactions aimed for survival and protection, but can also generate unhealthy stress. So remember it is not our fault! But we can choose to do something about it. Activating the calming system: We can do this by tapping into our mammalian attachment system and the calming parasympathetic nervous system, releasing oxytocin & opioids. Slowing the breathing (especially the out breath) Warm and friendly facial expression Physical touch Warm and friendly tone to the inner voice Connecting with a sense of feeling grounded / present Practicing mindfulness: coming to the present moment without judgment 2

3 Exercise: Soothing touch Like giving self a hug (as you would for suffering child) see script below EXERCISE: Self-Compassion Break See script below EXERCISE: Motivating ourselves with Compassion Spiritual Fitness If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you be cheerful ignoring aches and pains If you resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you take criticism and blame without resentment If you face the world without lies and deceit If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs Then, you are probably a dog. EXERCISE: Gratitude & Appreciation for self & others Closing Poem With That Moon Language by Hafiz Admit something: Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me." Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops. Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language, what every other eye in this world is dying to hear? 3

4 SOOTHING TOUCH An easy way to support ourselves when we re feeling badly is to offer ourselves comforting or soothing touch. Hand-on-Heart When you notice you re under stress, take 2-3 deep, satisfying breaths. Gently place a hand over your heart, simply feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. If you wish, placing both hands over your heart. Feel the natural rising and falling of your chest as you breathe in and as you breathe out. Linger with the feeling for as long as you like. Some people feel uneasy putting a hand over the heart. Feel free to explore where on your body a gentle touch is actually soothing. Some other possibilities are: One hand on your cheek Cradling your face in your hands Gently stroking your arms Crossing your arms and giving a gentle squeeze One hand over your heart Cupping your hand over a fist over your heart compassion with strength Gently stroking your chest, back and forth or in small circles Two hands over your heart One hand on your belly and one over heart Two hands on your belly Cupping one hand in the other in your lap 4

5 SELF-COMPASSION BREAK When you notice that you re feeling stress or emotional discomfort, see if you can find the discomfort in your body. Where do you feel it the most? Make contact with the sensations as they arise in your body. Now, say to yourself, slowly: 1. This is a moment of suffering That s mindfulness. Other options include: This hurts. Ouch! This is stressful. 2. Suffering is a part of life That s common humanity. Other options include: I m not alone. Others are just like me. We all struggle in our lives This is how it feels when a person struggles in this way Now, put your hands over your heart, or wherever it feels soothing, feeling the warmth and gentle touch of your hands. Say to yourself: 3. May I be kind to myself or another way of saying this is, May I give myself what I need. See if you can find words for what you need in times like this. Options may include: May I accept myself as I am May I learn to accept myself as I am May I forgive myself. May I be strong. May I be patient. If you re having difficulty finding the right words, imagine that a dear friend or loved one is having the same problem as you. What would you say to this person? If your friend would leave with just a few words in mind, what would you like those words to be? What message would you like to deliver, heart to heart? Now see if you can offer the same message to yourself. 5

6 COMPASSIONATE LETTER TO MYSELF Everybody has something about themselves they don t like; something that causes them to feel shame, insecure, or not good enough. Please think of something that tends to make you feel bad about yourself (an unhealthy habit, your appearance, relational conflict, etc.) From a Friend to Yourself Now think about an imaginary friend who is unconditionally wise, loving and compassionate. Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and weaknesses, including what you don t like about yourself. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind, accepting, and forgiving. Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of this imaginary friend, focusing on the perceived inadequacy you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you from the perspective of unlimited compassion? And if you think this friend would suggest possible changes you should make, how might these suggestions embody feelings of care, encouragement, and support? After writing the letter, put it down for a little while. Then come back to it and read it again, really letting the words sink in. Feel the compassion as it pours into you, soothing and comforting you. Love, connection and acceptance are your birthright. To claim them you need only look within yourself. From Yourself to a Friend Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly loved friend who was struggling with the same concern that you are. What words of compassion and support would you offer? Then go back and read the letter, applying the words to yourself. From Your Compassionate Self to Yourself Write a letter from the perspective of your own compassionate self. This part of you would like to help you because he or she cares deeply about you. The intention behind your compassionate self is I love you and I don t want you to suffer. Put the letter away and read it to yourself later on. 6

7 RESOURCES Free Meditation APP Meditations by Kathleen Cator Free downloadable audios for meditations Metta Health & Psychology Centre for MSC Kristin Neff Chris Germer Self-Assessment How self-compassionate are you? Self-Compassion Research Kristin Neff & Associates (with full pdfs links) Please sign up to my website and facebook page & do not hesitate to contact me if you are interested in further training, or you are looking for a speaker/teacher/facilatator for a special talk, workshop or retreat. Sending you Loving Kindness, Kathleen Cator Clinical Psychologist & Certified Mindful Self-Compassion Teacher E: kathleenc@mettahp.com.au M: W: To Like Us

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