2 My Dedication: My Lord and savior Jesus Christ; I know I haven t had the best relationship with you but I ve been praying to you for a long time and you have kept me this far. Thank You, Lord. Bless me and keep me, as well as those in my life & those I have yet to meet. Mrs. J Sanks-Pacheco; my 7 th grade English teacher, I will be forever grateful to you. You helped me get started and helped me realize my talent for writing. I remember you giving me my very first journal. I still hold my writing as close to me as I kept that book by my side. To my mother Julia; Even though we don t always see eye to eye, I still want to thank you for making sure I didn t want for nothing. You made sure we never ended up in the projects. You showed me I have to go work hard for what I want and need and also not to depend on other people to give me something. To Ms. Sonya; Even though I m not your child by birth, or you my Mommie by blood, you are my mommie in heart.a spiritual mother. I ll be waiting to read your story. You are a very strong, beautiful, wise, and loving woman. You were always there to encourage me spiritually when I was weak. God Bless To My love interests: (Pink Panther, Rican Boy, Nelson AKA DN, SP, and BW). You all have taught me many lessons of love and lust. Whether good or bad, I thank you for putting me through it all, all of you. NOTE: EVERYTHING YOU READ IS BASED ON REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES. THIS IS A SUMMARY OF A LIFE FROM CHILDHOOD TO THE BEGINNING OF ADULTHOOD. DO NOT JUDGE. APPRECIATE IT FOR ALL THAT IT IS/WAS.
4 A Chance Today I work up this morning, my head held high. My heart filled by the spirit and if it s my time, I m ready to die. I know the Lord, he s always with me. Jesus, he watches me. HE helps me stay in His plan. Sometimes I backslide and get lost on my way. The Lord is forgiving, He gave me another chance today. Daydream Lovin Tracing your every curve with my eyes... Your eyes, your lips & the way you lick them captures me. I'm in a trance; I have the strong urge to constantly be in your presence. I watch you from a distance so I can memorize the way you move, the way you talk & walk. I imagine you with me, you walking next to me. Unsure as to how I can make it happen so I watch you, I watch you. Going certain ways hoping you'll go that way & we could possibly cross paths. Maybe a chance for me to throw you a smile, try to grasp your attention, engage in conversation. Hoping that somehow you would call and anything close to your number ringing on my phone gives me chills and goose bumps...and then at one moment I pick up the phone, Its finally you... Become one with me (2005) Become one with me Make me feel how you feel Slow dance with every bare inch of our skin touching Let your mind glide your hand to where it wants it to be Place sweet kisses on my body Send chills through my spine with the result of goose bumps on my skin Place me in your trance, subjected to desires Sweet nothings and confessions of love placed in ear. Exchanges of stares into the eyes, unspoken passions revealed. Visions of possibilities flooding our mind While continuing to caress my body. I m your playground, become a child. Excite yourself with all you find. Gentle loving, make me shake, quiver. Closed eyes yet I have visions of the stars. No need to be vocal,
5 Just the feeling of one another s heart beats tells of the power. More than a physical connection that makes it all worth while. I m like I m like sweet caramel that sends you a Sugar rush and wakes up your taste buds. I m like a wise old owl with the words of wisdom & courage that come from my mind And flow through your brain, which have you Pondering for days on end. I m like a waterfall that is ever-flowing, Exciting and beautiful. I m like a breeze on a summer afternoon that Cools you down then travels around you and Feels like a tickle, which makes you smile. Getaway To the place where the colors fall, The blankets of fascination. Colors of calmness fall at your feet. Leaves of all colors: Brown, Red, Yellow Make their path for your feet. No thinking, just following their trail Leads you to the getaway place you need right then. The leave s colors begin the process for your imagination, As you close your eyes and leave Behind all of your frustration. Heavy Mystery What happens when you feel captured? Like you re trapped inside your body Yet your spirit yearns to be free. Or when what once seemed so sure, No longer seems so strongly secure. Priorities that were set have been disrupted And the things you wish to gain are so far from reach. The impossible seems to happen and reality becomes a blur. Rather live in your dreams then continue in this tedious routine. Any place other than here seems to be the theme Everything old irritates and nothing new seems to come this way. Time flies by, I loose track of the days Yet I still have nothing to show for the hell I ve been in Dreams of someone to come to me, make me smile, release my mind
6 It s an illusion because I m still here, sitting silently, lonely. Lover here, lover gone, never returned, what went wrong? Friends for hours, friends for days, they say goodbye, does anyone stay? Is there anything permanent? Is there anything pure? Will someone say to me one day, baby, I m yours? Will things ever work in good favor? Will life ever be fair? Will there be a day when the people we deserve to be connected to Stay in our arms forever? Will these questions ever be answered? Can they be answered? Or are they the mysteries of life. Broken Heart Over and over again Pain inflicted into your heart A common thing When you ve loved with all of your heart You chase them, fall for them They break away, you re shattered What happens one day when you find out you did the same to another? What happens when one day you find out you caused someone that pain? When all through time it was you who was broken hearted You who felt the pain..you who wanted a love to love you unconditionally..you caused their heart to shatter. You caused them one of life s deepest pains. And you know what they ve gone through It kind of tares at you because you know how it feels. The pain, memories, tears everything. And to know you ve put someone else through that.. Whew that s heavy. THE BOX My Feelings, So Deep But I m kept from you.
7 It s like you re in a clear box. I can see you but I can t Be near you, touch you, feel you The Other Woman Yeah, I m the other woman No, I m not a whore and no, it wasn t planned Yet we still have something, no one will ever understand Oblivious to the fact that you re not completely happy I know all the problems; she just thinks you two are happy I soothe your fears, clam your spirit, keep your dreams alive. We need one another s embrace We speak to each other through our eyes Things unspoken already known We have this connection, one his girl hasn t shown. We can t leave our situations so we settle We re behind the scenes, almost like a dream, then return to reality. Hidden jealousy as feelings seem strong But it doesn t matter because together we don t belong It s true, opposites attract, all to lose for something so wrong. And as we return to reality, with that smirk on our face We remember the dream, our escape from reality, our release. Only yours To you, in your mind, you think I m only yours. Your lover, a play toy, your listener no matter what. You say your heart is with me yet you run the street. You say it reminds you that you always have and can come back to me. One minute, I m your queen. The next, I m your floor You walk all over me. You don t cling to me unless you see me near another And think I could move on. Give me your tired love speech And say you want to show me how much you love me. Then the cycle begins again. I despise you but something in me can not leave you alone.
8 Somebody s somebody The sadness is great, my heart is heavy. -I sink to the floor I reach but can not touch you. The tears swell in my eyes -But don t want to cry, oh no. No fight to win, just reminded that you re no longer mine. How can I begin to let go? -I have to let go I can not cling to someone else s somebody. A love, my love, so deep, so real turned so painful which was once so happy, beautiful. To act like I do not love would be a front. Continuing to love will cause me pain -but I know I have to stop. Loving somebody s somebody will thrust forth more pain. Leaving me to wonder what if, where if, if we, he, I was Rewound Letting go the embrace As the last of my fingers Slide from your hands Our cheeks brush, the last time Our lips will touch As I back away, tempted to clutch The person I must leave. Conflicting thoughts confuse me And I do nothing. The streams, from my eyes, My face, to the floor Not wanting to walk out the door But what once was is no more. Each step, like a piercing pain. Wondering what is to remain Of a heart torn by pain Vision blurred, carelessly I walk, we stray. From nothing, to something, To madly in love. We rewind back to zero, there s nothing,
9 Nothing at all. Real Woman (Ryde or Dye)? So, you say you want a real woman? One that s down for you, that ll clown wit you. Independent, with class, unconditional love for you? Through no matter what, standin right beside you. The one that don t mind ya niccahs bein around you. All trust, no games because that s for girls. Sensual, doin things for you, aggressively satisfying you. Little girls hawkin gold diggahs jealous & stalkin Because her style, they can not emulate. Never ashamed to claim you her man, says it with pride. Someone to wife, stay wit for life. So it s a real woman you want? Someone like me.really. One-Way Ticket I got this one-way ticket to hell I didn't buy it or trade for it, I earned it. I didn't see it coming, it was all a blur. But they were my actions and I must suffer I looked for someone to help me pray I find no one and in the Lord, I m weak I thought I was on top yet I felt something was coming to me Something...it was coming to humble me And when I got that something, it hit hard Hit hard enough to make me think about taking my life I got a one-way ticket to hell so which way should I go Should it be by my hands or through hands of someone, something else? I look to my phone, 66 numbers yet I can't call even one They can not help me and they won't understand And if I called on God again he'd probably mock each word I said The tears, each tear that streams down my face means nothing I can regret yet change nothing It s difficult to move from here
10 If I looked, I wouldn't even recognize myself in the mirror Things I said I d never do, I ve done, maybe more So how do I deal with this stranger?...how can I deal anymore? My emotions, responses, my reactions, I can not control The Game of Lust The air was heavy and the atmosphere weary Rushed by overwhelming frustration My point I can t get across Trembling from the fear, your voice gets harsher every moment Your volume like a storm s thunder to overpower the truth The fire of your eyes goes to symbolize malicious satisfaction Tearing at my spirit, I drop to my knees as to show that I surrender No longer can I fight for something, someone I can no longer please The defeat feels like I ve been choked, I can not breathe The streams of tears will be in vain Memories in replay make me insane as it is not easy to break away clean Wounds don t magically close up, feelings don t fly away Words pierce like a dagger, heart tortured with flames. Wanting to cling hard but torn against due to betrayal No remorse, no compassion just thrusts of words causing pain Your words offer no confession but denial and blame Descending into a world of dejection The game of lust and wrongs halted, now the end Game over... Untamed Feelings So distant we are, I long to be near you. Your brown eyes, your hands on my thighs, The tears from my eyes as I begin to cry. I wish on a star, so far, to bring a change to my situation. I say I can settle as friends but that's just pretend. To be real, I know I can't hide what I feel. And if we get face-to-face, you already know the deal. I can't behave, I'm like a tiger untamed. I can't let go because I'm so, so in love. The chase begins, I never seem to win.