So I m forwarding this to you, brother. All I can say is that you are not alone, these issues are

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2 Introduction Don t ask me why she did this, I ve never met her. I would guess she s been hanging out on the internet and read something I wrote that got to her. It happens. After I read her letter, I began to understand why she is telling ME all of this instead of YOU which is an obvious question. How did I know your address? She ended up giving it to me when she signed you up for my newsletter without telling you. (she shouldn t have done that) You can undo that by unsubscribing to the newsletter. So I m forwarding this to you, brother. All I can say is that you are not alone, these issues are not unique, and they CAN be fixed. But I can tell you that you DO NOT STAND A CHANCE of fixing anything if you read this letter the wrong way. I'm a guy who knows about your frustration, anger, resentment, and your sadness. DO NOT read this letter with those emotions in your heart. DO NOT blame your wife for reaching out for help. No matter what has happened or what has been said, you must read this letter and understand the fear, sadness, and LOVE that helped her write this. In her heart she KNOWS she is not perfect. She KNOWS she can do better. She WANTS to. She knows that her own deepest fears and weaknesses have been at work in your marriage. The same is true for you. The reason most guys will read a letter like this and do nothing is because of their own fears and weaknesses. They will deny this all the way through their 2nd and 3rd divorce. Don't be that guy. Your marriage is the very best place for you to finally admit that you're not perfect either and fix it! Your marriage is the place where you can grow to be a better husband AND person. Drop your guard when you read this and don't waste this chance to change both of your lives. She wants and deserves a happy, passionate, mutually supportive and growing relationship. How about you? Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 2

3 You re here because you are interested in what I've got to say about the letter I received from a frustrated wife. Something in the letter probably resonated with you. Maybe you thought I was a fly on the wall in your living room? The truth is her story is SO amazingly similar to thousands of other couples that you should not feel alone or without hope. You should feel RELIEF that you just took your first step to understanding what s going on with each other and YOURSELF. Whether you are the wife or the husband, you are NOT a bad person because of the problems in your relationship. Of course, finger pointing and blame are a HUGE part of where couples wind up, but this is EASY to fix...if you want to. If your relationship has gotten to the point where talking, compromising, and trying to understand each other has even made things WORSE, marriage counseling will probably not be effective. It s time you heard a few things in an unconventional and very direct way. What I have to say in my responses to them both can feel a little rough. This is because you will hear things that can be considered politically incorrect or even sexist to an outsider. But YOU will know whether or not they are true for you! Please do NOT go to counseling or hire a relationship coach if it is for the purpose of saying, Hey, I tried just so you can save face. That s a waste of money. What s NOT a waste is choosing to listen and understand some things nobody has ever told you before. Things about his ego. Things about her sexuality. Things about his need for appreciation. Things about her need for approval. And things about the unique, unbelievable power (GIFTS!) EACH of you has to make or break every day in each others' life. After you read the responses, make a decision. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 3

4 Keep enjoying whatever it is you are enjoying right now. Or, take the first important step to learning about yourself, each other, and creating the relationship you really want. Give me a call if you want to chat. steve@goodguys2greatmen.com Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 4

5 Dear Steve, I can t believe I m writing to you because I don t even know you. Guess I m frustrated that I don t know what else to do and thought another guy might help me/us. A part of me is ashamed because I know I should be saying all this to my husband. Another part of me is angry because I feel like I have already said these things in so many different ways but he still doesn t get me or seem to WANT to. I guess I m wondering if there is someone else who can put it another way that he would understand without getting mad at me. I m not even sure if I should tell him I contacted you, but he ll probably find out because I used his address to sign up for your newsletter. That will probably get me in hot water with him again. What s going on where do I start? We seem to argue all the time over the littlest stuff. Small disagreements always escalate into major shouting matches that feel like personal attacks to me. In the end, they seem to be all about something unrelated to the cause of the argument. I don t know because he doesn t talk about his feelings very much. We hardly ever have sex anymore because of the fighting. I just don t feel like it after the way he treats me and I can feel hate sometimes. That scares me. Before the kids, we didn t have these issues and it seemed we were both a lot happier and enjoyed time and sex a lot more too. Now I avoid him and usually reject him because my heart hurts from all the negativity. This really ticks him off and we usually fight about that too. What s really weird is that out in public, we put on a show. He is Mr. Likeable and social and I ve always got everything else under control. Nobody even suspects we re having issues. Some days we just get by without speaking and that is starting to feel like the new normal! It doesn t feel like love, but I CAN say that I think we both still really do love each other. The way I would describe my husband these days is that he acts angry and resentful toward me. I know he s unhappy with his job even though he is well respected there. He seems to use all of his energy and skills to excel at work, but doesn t have anything left for home. For me. Instead of talking with me, he just expects me to agree with him and do things his way. I feel like he doesn t respect or appreciate me. This is clear when he acts condescending and belittles me all Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 5

6 the time. His temper is short these days and he s always judging what I do, what I say, and how I say it. It feels like I can t do anything right in his eyes. He thinks our problems are all my fault and he refuses to go to counseling. I even found a male marriage counselor but he doesn t trust them and doesn t think things are that bad (he has no idea how bad I think they are). On his worst days, he ll call me horrible names I won t bother typing out. I guess if I m to be honest with you, I m not a saint either but I don t know how to change it. I meet with my girlfriends a lot and complain constantly to them about my husband. It s my safe haven where I can vent, but it doesn t feel right. I too will call him horrible names when I m really hurt or angry. I ve stopped being affectionate in any way because I m afraid he will think I want sex. We used to hold hands, give back rubs, and crash next to each other on the couch all the time. We used to always kiss hello and goodbye and now even that doesn t happen. (Typing that makes me realize that it is me who never allows him to get close enough for kissing because he does try) I tend to avoid him and spend more time away with the kids and complain to my mom who lives nearby. He really resents that and says he isn t even on my list of things I care about. That s not true but I don t tell him that. I always accuse him of making me feel bad because he USED to be able to always make me feel good. It s like he doesn t want to anymore. As far as sex goes, I feel starved for it. I miss the closeness and the satisfaction we used to get when we connected sexually. Now the idea feels squeamish to me because I can feel so NOT attracted to him these days. If he only knew how much I thought about it. But he would die to know that it s not him who is in my fantasies. I've never been unfaithful, but I've had opportunities. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be with someone who was really interested in me for who I am. I used to feel this way with my husband. What I really want most is for BOTH of us to just stop! I don t want a divorce, but I think about it a lot. It s like it s not really us doing all this, but the anger and resentment is ALWAYS below the surface. I want to feel like I can talk with him safely without being criticized or minimized. I want us to trust each other again and not try to hurt each other. I want him to listen to me like he respects what I think and feel. I want to feel stronger or more confident in giving HIM what he needs. I want to feel the LOVE again. I DO love him. I want really good sex (or better!) with Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 6

7 him again. I want us both to feel good about US and our future. I don t know how to get all that. I don t think he does either. Sitting and talking it out seems to be out of the question anymore without some kind of help. Do you have any ideas that might help me/us?? Signed, Wants more from life Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 7

8 My Response to Mrs. Wants More Dear Mrs. Wants More, Thanks for your letter. Your story is amazingly similar to other letters I ve read except for the names. You re not alone and your situation is not hopeless. I commend you not only for having the courage to write, but also for admitting your issues are not entirely your husband s fault. This takes a strong woman and is critical to resolving the ongoing conflict you described. You should feel good about that and realize that YOU have an amazing power to improve how he responds to you. I m sure your husband has a lot of things he can change about himself to make your marriage better. If you BOTH can accept the responsibility and work required to move forward, I think you ll find a whole new level of trust, respect, and appreciation for each other. That s the beginning of fixing your intimacy issues, both emotional and physical. It seems you already know that using his account without his knowing was wrong. You say you want trust and respect, yet you are willing to sneak into his . You talk badly about him behind his back with friends and family. You willfully avoid his attempts to connect with you at the basic level of a goodbye kiss. He has told you that he feels unimportant and low on your list of priorities. You've chosen to ignore his attempt to communicate that need of his. You admit it s not even true yet you do nothing to change his perception of your priorities. So, yes, you re no saint and neither is he, no doubt. If he contacts me, I ll be happy to talk and share my thoughts about his role in your situation. You can be sure that I will be as direct with him as I am with you and won t mince words. His behavior you describe is unacceptable and destructive and so is yours. He needs to understand the enormous impact he has on your feelings and on the ultimate fate of your marriage. There are some things about himself and your needs that he probably doesn't know. Most men do not understand how their words, actions, and the energy of their *intention* affect others, especially their wives. Someone like me can help him see his role and help him define changes HE wants to make for himself. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 8

9 Assuming he is willing to step up and go first in making some changes you need, you must be ready to support those changes. Rejecting basic affection and his attempts to communicate his needs will soon shut him down from even trying. Your acceptance and leadership are extremely important in keeping him committed to the changes he is trying to make. Most women screw this up by constantly testing and waiting for perfection before responding positively. Don t be that woman. This is important for you to know in advance. Your current negative mindset and behaviors WILL sabotage any attempts he might make to change. You need to change this right away. Even before you feel him trying to make changes you must take your own advice. Just stop. Stop avoiding him. Stop bad mouthing him no matter where you are. Stop making everyone else more important. I know you probably want to see him go first, but you need to be modeling the environment you are expecting from him. You can step up too! Change the energy every time you re together. Make the energy feels like love, appreciation, and acceptance. This is YOUR leadership role. If your husband contacts me, I ll explain HIS leadership role to him. You don t need to know everything I tell him and vice versa. Just be the person you want to be for YOU and then for him. As soon as you BOTH start choosing your thoughts and your actions from a place of love, you will be able to lead and accept leadership in ways that will allow you to reconnect. This allows you to begin trusting and respecting each other again. Emotional safety is important for you and him, not just you. Treat his words and feelings with the value they deserve. And he, of course, must do the same for you. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 9

10 This isn t a just chance to get back to the good old days. This is a chance to LEARN how to relate, communicate, and love on a new level. If you both want it, are willing to learn, and are able to make some key changes in your thoughts and actions toward each other, you will find an emotional, physical, and possibly spiritual connection you ve not had before. The advice I am giving you assumes that you believe you want to and WILL become a woman who takes positive action toward improving yourself and your ability to create the relationships you believe you deserve. If you believe that you cannot CHOOSE to do this work on yourself for yourself because of unresolved personal issues, you may benefit from professional personal counseling. This could prepare you for successful relationship coaching. I can help you with referrals if you are interested. Best Wishes, Steve Horsmon *********************************************** Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 10

11 My Response to Mr. Wants More Dear Mr. Wants More, It was good talking with you yesterday. I m glad you called to talk about the letter your wife sent me. Thanks for trusting me with your view of the situation. Parts of this will sound like a sales pitch. Sure, I d like to help you. But I ll be happy knowing that you've decided take ACTION as a result of this letter with or without my help. To summarize our conversation and your main complaints and concerns, I made the following list: 1. You feel like your wife has completely pulled away from you emotionally and physically. 2. You feel unimportant to her compared to the kids, her friends, her parents, and her online socializing. 3. When you try to be nice or connect she is either dismissive, angry, or disrespectful toward you. You do the same to her. 4. You do love her very much but realize that she probably doesn t feel it from you. And vice versa. 5. She nags you constantly about house repairs and money. You frequently criticize her spending habits. 6. She says and does things in public and private that make you feel minimized, undesired, and unappreciated. 7. You want to have a mutually satisfying sex life with her. Not having this makes you feel unloved and unwanted. 8. You have stopped initiating any plans for family leisure time, fun, or social events. 9. You have stopped treating her as attractive or desirable and do not even initiate nonsexual touching anymore. 10. You find it hard to appreciate or compliment her because you don t feel those things from her. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 11

12 Here s my input to you. This may not easy to hear, but it is what you need to know and act upon. If you do, I predict you will have major success. Your situation is extremely common. The primary cause is extremely common. The good news and the bad news is that it starts with you. Many men feel guilt and shame when they discover the role they played in getting their marriage into such bad shape. You must NOT feel this way. It IS a two way street and the mistakes you ve made have been made thousands of times by thousands of men before you. If you had gone to professional marriage counseling, you may have heard some of these same things. You would have probably been told about the virtues of communication and compromise. Those are wonderful and necessary tools. But they are ineffective at best in the absence of the other changes you need to make. In fact, at this point in your marriage, those tools can be used incorrectly and cause even more problems. Some of what I have to tell you is NOT said by counselors because it can be perceived as politically incorrect or even sexist. The bottom line is that you cannot talk yourself out of a problem that you BEHAVED yourself into. You need help in understanding exactly what those behaviors are and how to change them. If you want to believe that men and women are (or should be) absolutely equal in every respect, I can t help you. If you want to insist that men should have a responsibility at all times for the relationship, I can t help you. However, if you will trust me and listen, you may be able to understand and act upon this: Women ARE equal to us with respect to all legal and human rights but we are NOT wired the SAME when it comes to relationships. Your wife needs you to accept this and not complain about it. She needs you to treat her and her feelings as important. She needs you to take the lead in creating feelings of safety and security with respect to your love and your relationship. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 12

13 Within your one on one relationship, nearly everything you see, hear, and feel from your wife is a reflection a reaction to you and your behavior. Women will react positively or negatively toward you based on the nature of your character, confidence, and your INTENTION toward them. You should stop reading now if this implied responsibility and accountability makes you want to run. I can t help you if you choose to not accept this. The problems in your marriage are directly related to: 1. Your lack of leadership to a set of clearly defined personal and marital values. 2. Your reluctance to hold yourself accountable to a standard of behavior regardless of how others react or what they think or feel about you. 3. Your fear of establishing boundaries for acceptable behavior from others and fear of their reactions to the consequences. 4. Your insecurity in consistently operating as a man whose deepest intentions are love, respect, trust, appreciation, and acceptance. You cannot succeed at numbers 1 3 above if your thoughts and actions come from a place of resentment, judgment, superiority, disrespect, or fear. Yes, your wife has a huge responsibility for learning and changing as I told her. Her responsibility starts immediately even if you take none of your own. The result of that will likely be the end of your marriage as she continues to work on being a woman who deserves a better man. Your wife was telling the truth in her letter. She does love you. She wants to feel emotionally safe with you. She wants to feel secure about her future with you. And she wants more passion with you! (In that order that s how she is wired) She really doesn t know how to get that with you. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 13

14 This is because she is waiting for YOU to help lead her to those places. Then she will join you in co leading your new relationship the one that you both want. I made it clear to her that she has EQUAL POWER in leading the transformation. All she needs is for you to step up and go first. I help men understand their women and their needs. By working with me, you will learn how your past beliefs and behaviors have affected ALL of your relationships. We will discuss your TRUE masculine operating principles and what it means to live by them. You will discover your secret power in providing love and leadership without expectation. Your fears and insecurities will fade as you gain confidence. This happens when you learn that the reactions and choices of others do not change your happiness and commitment to being the man you want to be. Don t make the mistake of thinking that small attempts to compromise, communicate, or to be nicer will have any lasting impact on your marriage or your life. These half hearted efforts will only serve to amplify your lack of commitment to being a man who deserves better. A guy who responds like that is making it clear to his wife that he is not willing to GIVE her anything. He is simply trying to keep the peace and GET his short terms needs met. Instead, make a goal of transforming yourself into a man who has long term appeal and will attract respect, passion, and personal success. This is what will attract YOUR WIFE again. If you are still reading and not afraid to move forward, I can help you and you should contact me. I can tell you that many men have the ability to CHOOSE their thoughts and actions if they are willing to let go of their long held excuses. With the support of other really great men who have gone before you, you CAN do this! If you decide that you cannot be that man for other personal emotional or psychological reasons, you might consider professional personal counseling or therapy. This could help Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 14

15 prepare you for a very successful relationship coaching experience in the future. I am happy to help you with referrals if you are interested. Best Wishes, Steve Horsmon Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 15

16 SPECIAL BONUS OFFER TWO FOR ONE! Because I want so much to help you both, I am also offering a TOTALLY FREE 8 week coaching package of TWO for the PRICE of ONE!! This offer is good only until July 4, There is room for only 16 total clients or 8 couples. That s right, if one spouse chooses to purchase an 8 week coaching contract, I will provide the same amount of coaching time with the other person FREE in either private or joint sessions. That's $1200 worth of professional relationship coaching FREE! It s IMPORTANT to me that you have the best chance possible to be successful. That s why I want to make it as EASY as possible for the both of you to get the help you want. Contact me today to take advantage of this offer! Just say that you want to use the Dude Letter Two For One Discount. It IS possible for one partner to attempt a solo marriage recovery using the information and personal development tools I coach. BUT, your chances of success are MUCH LESS than if the two of you decide to do this together. This is your BEST CHANCE! Remember. This is NOT an offer for marriage counseling or professional therapy. If you believe the core reasons for your behavior are out of your current personal control, relationship coaching is not for you. If you want to rehash the past and not move forward, then coaching is not for you. But, if you are a person who believes in your heart that you CAN make the changes in yourself, FOR YOURSELF, needed to create the marriage you want, then you are going to be WILDLY SUCCESSFUL! My style of coaching will help you discover the person you really want to be and how to be the person your spouse needs you to be. With your desire to change yourself AND your relationship, we will make headway quickly. And with a lot of brutally honest discussion, feedback, and HOMEWORK you will find it refreshing to feel confident in what you EXPECT OF YOURSELF and what you can EXPECT FROM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE! Contact me today to take advantage of this offer! Just say that you want to use the Dude Letter Two For One Discount. Dude, Your Wife Sent Me a Letter Page 16